dont know why.. i kinda feel down today, and decided to go out on rainy day. nowhere in mind, i headed down the most crowded part of singapore - orchard. but the moment i arrived, i felt so lost and started to loiter (walk aimlessly).. even though the stores are having sale, but i simply have no mood to look around or walk around.. to be frank, i'm like a dolled-up zombie walking in the flow of crowd.. after 15mins or so, i gave up my afloat condition and headed home by bus.. i'm actually quite glad i'm caught in a traffic jam~
my sisters? didnt u know i'd rather go out alone than to shop with them, lest it'll sure be a 'cat-fight' scene.. let alone they have their own programs n bf... my girlfriends?? if u r at my age, ur girlfriends will be spending time with their hubby/ in-laws/ boyfriend.. seriously, the only time they'll call me out if when their hubby/bf is not available, i'll stand in as their 'back-up'.. sounds pathetic? ya, that's a sad fact..
what abt my bf.. sometimes i really dont know if i'm in a rship.. if having a partner is for emotional support, my support is my work.. if the partner is for companionship, i dont feel his presence... i know he loves me very much, cherishes our rship but as the old saying goes - nothing beats being around for you. when i wanted to buy something for him, i realised we've not spent enough time to know each other's preference and fashion sense. when i want to share my food, there's no one at my table..
i start to wonder how long this will last, esp knowing myself as 'out-of-sight,out-of-mind' person.. since our disagreement on my job offer fr previous company, i started to wonder how to communicate,how to reason with him..he has his views and refuse to hear my arguments without labelling me as 'inconsiderate'.. bcos of this topic, i have been avoiding 'heart-to-heart' chat with him past week.
anyway, he just returned fr US this early morning, in taipei.. he wanted to continue his flight hours by coming to singapore - that's 10hrs fr US to taipei + another 6hrs indirect flight to singapore~ totally unacceptable for my rational mind! hence, i kinda ticked him off the idea..
but when i called him after my orchard drift, he's not answering his mobile and his mother told me he's gone out early afternoon.. the first thing that came to my mind was 'is he flying over now?'.. i checked the airline - indeed there's a evening flight (his intended flight this morning).. 'a surprise?' my heart suddenly felt excited.. i called and sms again but he's still not contactable.. it's just so happened that i had to pick my sis up fr airport at the same arrival time, hence i was really in mix of excitement and wonder in my journey to airport.. even though i tried to reason with myself with all the impossibilities, i cant help feeling hopeful..
at 8.45pm, 2 sms came in at same time - one was fr my sis announcing her flight had just touched down at changi airport, another was his apology for leaving his mobile at home whole afternoon. in that instant, all impossibilities became reality. my heart kinda sank, yet knowing very well he did nothing wrong. serious, i was kinda saddened by this cruel reality, no matter how much i've prepared myself to face 'no surprise' scenario... yes i miss him..
why must i be so complicated?.. like i told my bro - cos i'm a female.
); oh no monkey~))))))))))))); why like that? sigh..actually sometimes it is best to be alone isnt it? as in even now that i am travelling with hz they all, i still feel alone you know. so it actually doesnt matter if you are with anyone but who you are with. i think maintaining a relationship is never easy/: if it was, there wont be so many divorce and stuff alr. even the basic friendship also takes a lot to maintain, nthing is as simple as it is i guess. everyone will have to face this complication i guess..so dont so sad okay? jiayou! it takes two to maintain a relationship but one to touch the other(: he will be touched by the commitment you are putting in, maybe not in a way you know or can see it but i think he really loves you(: and i love you too monkey!(:
ReplyDeletemonkey~ u r really 小老人!! so sensible leh!! *i'm so touched!*
ReplyDeleteyes, i agree - it actually doesnt matter if you are with anyone but who you are with. you can be in the group,yet feeling lonely. trust me, i have the feeling frequently, even in my family.
sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me when i have all the friends,family and lovely darling ard me, yet i still feel lonely.. i guess it's a 'goat' thingy?
erm.. i'm not sure if he'll ever understand my 'commitment' as u mentioned, let alone be touched.. in fact after reading this blog entry, we kinda had an argument again on time management.. before i decided to fly over with few days' notice.
i have been through quite an amount of drama, esp for my family, to see things like an old woman alr-.- all that matters lie in you monkey!:D try to be more positive lor! for me, being alone is okay cause like a lot of my friends also like a bit too childish for me alr haha! i am happy on my own sometimes:D time off for myself!(:
ReplyDeleteif he cant understand, your challenge is to make him understand(: it takes two to communicate!(: if one is blind or deaf, the other will be the eyes or ears. so if he cant understand, you will be the dictionary(: at least you can tell yourself "at least i tried..:D" leave no regrets, whatever can be explained, should be(:
Hey ur frens r still ard k, despite their marriage lives. Wk has been bz dat I'm diggin out time for hubby too. Juz ring mi, anytime. I'll stick my ear onto e fone for a chat, event if it's a short one. Fyi. Events in e comin week - 1st week of aug. So b careful when u ring mi aka overseas charges lol
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