30 Dec 09 - **so loved**

my goodness gracious~~~ can u believe how much loved and protected i am? i really mean it!
after episode with CK, i've been receiving sincere advice.. some open-minded, some are seriously concerned and some seriously piss off; all in all the message is 'stay away n stay open'.

ok, there's something i seriously feel 'not right' is the ambiguity, and i dislike ambiguity.
when i was younger, much much younger, i did have my share of flings.. but i've always been a honest fling, if i can name that.. i've always let it known that i'm not into serious rship.. well, i guess why GOES around COMES around.. how true! but i've change, ya? thru maturity + time + tribulations??.. perhaps that is why i'm VERY FOCUS now?

anyway, i really thank you people for all your offline concerns, be it nagging or ceaseless sms.. u people are the BEST~ i love you!! if the guy is 'right' for me, you guys will be the first to vet! (but seriously, if he is the one, i'm pretty sure he'll be smart enough to gain all ur favour and trust!) again, i must say, i love love you people~!

30 Dec 09 - 期待,期待,期待...

可能你還不了解菁的閱讀習慣.. 菁一律只習慣閱讀英文書籍, 但唯有小說籍菁還是比較喜歡華文的貼切. 菁真的超喜歡閱讀'藤井樹Hiyawu'的小說! 還記得較年輕時, 在偶然的情況下開始他的< 我們不結婚,好嗎> , 過後就是<貓空愛情故事>, <這就是我的答案>, <有個女孩叫Feeling>等等等.. 也許是因為年齡差距不大(他是1976年的baby; 處女座,O型) 他的文法簡直牽著我的感動.. 甚至還深深影響我的文法呢! 厲害吧? 他真的是.. 超讚!! 每次回台灣都會到成品查看與購買他的最新作品, 真的可以說他'迷倒' 菁吧?

但不知何時, 飄洋過海買回來的新書被擱在書櫥裡也有5年的時間, 最近才重見天日..
也許是菁現在想念著台灣.. 也許此刻的菁需要些些愛情的愛情滋潤, 不管怎麼樣成了包包的'必須物件'. 不管是在等候時間觀念差的朋友還是享受一人乘搭列車, 菁將周圍的人以置之度外深深地活在林子學的故事裡.. 好可愛溫和愛心的男生.. 若現世社會有如此聰明和體貼的男生, 菁一定去追~! 期待,期待,期待...

注: 有人能告訴我台灣還能買到<薯水街的三月十一號>嗎>?

29 Dec 09 - 29Dec again

it's 29 Dec again.. the fateful day when all these happened.. and it left its sting today..

to be honest, i am surprised and proud of what i did last night - making a firm stand. but yet, i cant help feeling disappointed.. what's wrong with guys these days, even though they are Christian guys? i really cant help wondering if there'd ever be a not-so-spiritial guy i'd be attracted to and he's really faithful in commitment.. ya, i know it's rare, esp at my age. but seriously, it's better to be single than to be in wrong rship. (trust me, i've been there done that and learnt it hard)

ok, today was not a good day cos i really had a hard time sleeping last night, hence my neck+shoulder tension came back. i really need a good sleep tonight~ but can i? i think i've managed my disappointment with this acquaintance but will i be able to sleep well over this?? why is it 29 Dec again?

28 Dec 09 - now or never

ok, it's either now or never.. i told CK straight what i want in rship and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for his understanding n respect (despite his ego).

it's only our 2nd meet-up and i can feel the 'attraction' is getting out-of-normal.. this is way not normal! hence i decided.. it's either swim or die. i told him that i really cant trust him yet and it's a haunting qn on why he is still single. not to mention, i really dont want our friendship to develop so fast - it's always better to slow thing down, even though alcohol was the catalyst. i seriously know how to take care of myself, after learning a hard lesson previously. and if he's not sharing my view, then i'd rather wish him happiness in other rship~

yes, i'm very 'traditional' when it comes to rship now..i've also learnt the hard way of its adverse. if we are meant to be, we will be.. if not, i'll still wait for God to send His planned one for me.. though patience is not my virtue, but i'm pretty sure of what kind of relationship i want now. let God lead the way~

27 Dec 09 - the Lord has spoken.

what do you do when the Lord divinely plant a seed of 'keenness' in you to attend last-weekend-of-the-year Mass with your godparents, after being absence from them for a yr and despite your 'regular' church? obedience, right??... so i went Mass instead of service this morning..

what do you think when it's so just happened to be 'Feast of Holy Family' day (note the word "family") and the Homily by Fr Peter on 'family vocation' was so timely divine, as if Father God is speaking right to you, even though you've always known this concept in your mind?! ... seriously, if this is not divine arrangement to get my spirituality back, there wont be anything else.. my eyes were tear-flooding, and even 'threaten' Father that He really cannot do this to me everytime i return to this main church hall.. this is just so overwhelming, really overwhelming~~

trust me, it's been a long time since i felt so 'at home' in God's Presence. even though it's not charismatic manner, but i really enjoy the joyful solemn of Mass order, esp being with my god-family! everyone welcomes everyone with a great hug of love~ i really kinda miss my god-daddy and everyone in RCIA.. it's really wonderous how God always provide and direct me to a 'new discovery' place whenever i feel down down down..

to top it up, i also had a great lunch with the family, and to know there's a new god-brother from 2009 process~ cool guy with nice wife. john and lucinia - they are still as cheeky and teasing as ever.. what a pair. paul, 'uncle' paul, is still so 'charming' and surrounded with pretty girls from RCIA.. everyone is so cheerful as ever! what a nice family gathering at His Divine Timing!

*disclaimer: yes bro, i didn't mention u.. cos.. i see you much very often lah! still the same caring 'egoistic' bro i knew, known and know :)

25 Dec 09 - 1st Christmas wish ever!

u know what.. after watching Hallmark's "Boyfriend for Christmas" it kinda get me fuzzy up with all the Christmas wishes and hopes.. kinda wish santa will also arrange such a 'timely' boyfriend at my doorstep.. yes i know this season is about Christ, not santa, but hey i just have this little hope lit up, dun extinguish it (yet)!

u know what.. i do have this childhood dream which i've always wanted to fulfil yet.. ok i'm not that commited.. and i've NEVER told anyone, not even GQ. if anyone by any chance fulfils it for me, i'll sure be his girlfriend.. is that a good deal? hahah.. i'm serious.. that has been my secret wish for years, if santa knows it..

let's see.. my clue to u guys is there are 6 books in this series, written by an infamous author. through the years i've managed to keep the 2nd and 5th book, while the rest remains mystery.. i simply love this series which brought so much joy in my childhood days.. in fact, i'm named after one of its characters.. ok, that's about all i can disclose..

if God is willing, may the collection be completed. Amen!

24 Dec 09 - what a night

in midst of my family conflict, i kinda directed my energy to work (as usual).. trust me, translation is really not a nice thing to do, esp when it involves professional trading terms which i am so unfamiliar in.. it's easier to translate China/Singapore's HR regulations than these trading contracts~~ but i kinda enjoying it till i realised my eyes are so worn out by the pc..

then, the next joyful part kicks in when my bro came all way to my office to pass me my christmas present! seriously, i am so glad that he bought the 'right thing'; not just right but GREAT too! u seldom get to see such 'heater' around anymore, let alone so beautifully dressed. i really intend to safekeep in my office!! i need the heat so much on my freq headache, neck strain and shoulder pain!! bro, u r my so lovely lovely great brother!!

ok, i guess this is the part which i suppose you people are more interested in..
i went out for dinner with this guy... he found my profile on SDU and we started to chat over msn.. then i was just in the mood yesterday to plan for today when he asked for dinner, so i agreed - nothing 'special reason' ok?

what abt him? he's of my different world.. seriously, capable guy from a rich family who owns 3 'expensive' cars? his personal car is a BMW.. plays rugby, tennis and enjoys golf (i hate it) for business network? i must say, he's also very witty, smart and sociable hence it's an enjoyable date, even though i was listening (and evaluating) most of the time. if anyone wanna a dependable n presentable bf, i'll recommend him.

as for myself, i guess i tend to 'enlarge' our differences even though we are of common faith (he's a Catholic converted Methodist).. n i did reveal that i dont really like rich guys (which is a surprise fact for u people, i know). same perception for pilots. not that i feel 'inferior' but i just know their social world is very different from mine.. one day i might not like their way of socialising or he would have issues with my friends n family. or perhaps i just dun trust these rich people to understand my depression condition.. ok i wont dwell much on this thought.

que sara sara despite a nice night out.. kinda 'special' that i was not in church today like i'd usually be

23 Dec 09 - spoilt brat

hahaa.. trust me, i know it's evil to laugh at people behind their back, but simply cant help it.. who ask her to spoil her? and when i'm correcting her, she stood on her side and blame me for correcting her! yes, that is what u get when u breed a spoilt brat like my sister.

apparently i also given up on my sister, by ignoring her for past days. i simply IGNORE her and they all who stood by her! seriously, why bother making things 'better' when i can never be 'part of them'? since young, they are just not my league / frequency.. i think i prefer to chat with my god-bro over them.. their words are never encouraging, let alone respectful. i give up.

ok what happened was.. she wanted to wash her laundry but my mum was soaking her clothes in it. then she screamed aloud that 'ok lah, everyone can wash clothes except me lah!' (see, this is how selfish and unreasonable she is!!) instantly, she stormed into her room and slammed the door! my mum was so taken aback while i just watch the scene.. expected behaviour from a spoilt brat~ and now, my mum is finally complaining abt her attitude (as if it's not obvious through these years, esp past days)..

so, this is it - a glimpse of my sister, who has been totally spoilt by my parents.

21 Dec 09 - might as well..jump

yes, i've not cooled down yet.. which i also know it's very unusual for me to be angry for more than a day.. but what the hell, it takes 2 hands to clap if they continue to be rude and disrespectful.. i'm perfectly fine with silence esp since i really dont like to talk in the first place.

like what i told my dear bro this morning after his qn on how did i manage to get up early with no/less sleep(see, i remember every word i heard n said) .. i was (still) fuming mad that i forced myself to sleep in order to fight that tempting thought of suicide.. trust me, if i've not been able to sleep or if i woke up in middle of night, i'm pretty sure i'll just jump down.. at least jumping down is better than running across the road to be hit down, it wont implicate another person for killing me.. the seducing thought of dying was just so good and right..

which is why i've always said, if you've never been through depression, you'll never know how relentless this monster is.. its provacative suicidal thought is forever lurking around and you need to be on-guard 24-7 against it. dont freaking tell me, it's 'a matter of mind'! try to be in depression yourself!! to make the dish more appealing, add bad flu n cough to it! try fighting the battle with all that! and spice it up with that rude attitude from my sisters!

yes, i was that freaking angry! dun ever piss me further now!!

20 Dec 09 - my last will

if i'd to write my will, i kinda wish this entry will be it..

i freaking dont understand why people, even your own siblings, can be so selfish and irresponsible! if you want to help housechores, then jolly well do 101% of it! if you can give your best at work to clean up the mess, why not at home? if you are half-hearted abt it, then what the hell you want to give half-done work? u can clean so well for your own room, yet why such sloppy work with other rooms! it's mere immature and irresponsible attitude!! i'd rather pay someone who can do better than your half-done attitude! if you want to do it, freaking do it to your best! you'd rather pay hefty sum to full work out in gym, yet giving me half willing attitude and not even move the furnitures to really clean it well! what the hell!! it's better than you dont do at all!!

and if you are so unreasonably lazy and yet angry with me, that you do not want to acknowledge my presence, so be it! you are such a complaint slacker who only knows how to complain and nag at others! look at yourself! your work and attitude!! no wonder u dont enjoy your singlehood, who else can stand your stubborn and spoilt attitude, except your ex! just bcos you 'tend to do more housechores', u are ready for marriage? pls!! marriage is a merger of 2 families, please look and reflect on your selfish attitude towards people!

because i dare to voice out, challenge this spoilt selfish attitude, i'm now the 'common enemy' of my 2 sisters.. so be it! if no one wants to acknowledge my presence, then i jolly well die from this h1n1. what the heck, everyone has to die why not now? if being considerate is common enemy, then i'd rather die than to live in this selfish world. let your parents continue to spoil you in your selfish attitude!! just bcos you are younger, i have to be blame for correcting you?! what the f!

19 Dec 09 - Candlelight Service

went for Candlelight Service, despite my doc's 'warning' of h1n1 (me, i'm suspected). yes i know that is not very socially responsible, but hey.. i'm down with this h1n1 for more than a month, i should have passed to alot of people by now.. moreover, if i dont turn up today, who knows what's someone will be thinking next.. at least i 'risked' my life to show face and physically display how sick i am, even though i look well and normal.. mind you, i had to wear fleece hand-gloves throughout service~~ that is how cold i am!

but i do admit... the Presence of God was so great today.. i even weep while worshipping Him. it's just so good to know, while people judges me, my Heavenly Father still lifting me up and accepting me and my situation.. seriously, it's good to be embraced by God after 1mth of absence, and experiencing His acceptance and love again. anyway, since He is the Reason of this season, i forgave that someone and hugged her.. well, no point resenting, right? season of Reconciliation :)

anyway, i've a new question... why do i always attract guys when i'm at my spiritual low?? when i'm in my high (ie high maturity), guys seem to regard me as a threat.. for better or worse, i seem to be 'the attraction' for drawing them back to God.. and this usually happens when i'm in my low~!.. why why why....

18 Dec 09 - pain..and PAIN!

if anyone is really fed up with his/her body, that'll be me..
i'm freaking fed up with what is this body is trying to tell me she is feeling some (alot) tension somewhere, where? or telling me, i'm going to die?? frankly, at this rate of nightly physical torture, i'd rather be the latter.

yesterday, my head ached so much together with my neck+shoulder.. i simply cant walk across the block any further, hence i just walk into a traditional massage palour for a 40mins quick fix @ $32! (talk about being thrifty~) it was 'instant' relief but tha pain returned as i made my way back office.. then it started to scream in pain again, that i had to go for a full back accupunture treatment straight after work! my neck was so painful that it could zap the living life out of me~ the treatment was aching painful. every points connecting to my back, shoulder, head and neck was a deadly points (though i enjoyed it).. apparently, all my 'yang qi' is trapped within my very cold 'yin qi' outer body, so much so that the body heat within is bursting out with tremedous discomfort now, like an volcano erruption. i had to release those heat by scrapping my body (gua sha).. ok, there it went and became better..

but today, this pain is back AGAIN!! my shoulder is stiffening and my headache is returning.. i dont know if cos of the cold rainy morning, or the cold aircon above my office seating.. or it's just me. can someone exchange my body with me? or better still, use those ancient martial arts to 'release' my internal 'qi' and loosen all my nerves? gosh, i must really go and learn these super ancient martial arts to use my body 'qi'!!

16 Dec 09 - back to school

today was my first tuition lesson, after 3yrs of laziness..
i call it laziness cos i've always like to teach but.. first was my depression, then my pre-occupation of work, i was really lazy to even think of sparing 2hrs per week for the kids. yes, i've been slacking..

ok, why do i like to teach?.. i dunno. perhaps cos that is my only 'affinity' with kids? trust me, i really cannot play with them like those big sisters/brothers in children church. i can just flip out~ but i dare say i'm a very good teacher to the kids.. i dont teach them the way it should be, but the way each individual is naturally wired to learn.. and i enjoy teaching those who have difficulty or less interest in learning. i'm pretty confident i can spark their learning interest and get them to build their foundation again. i guess, this is my gift with kids.. pls dont ask me to play with them or nanny after them~ in fact, i've never find it pleasing to 'hang around' with kids.

will i be a strict mum in future? ya, i suppose.. looking at my hugo, i can say i've this certain standard of discipline despite the 'excessive' pamper. i believe one should have fun in life, however, also taking on the responsibilities of trust and respect. am i too profound for your thoughts?

15 Dec 09 - Favours from God

ok, for those of u who are 'guardians' of my spiritual walk..
i give thanks to God for ...
1) favour with my boss
seriously, i've no idea why this company wants to have a headcount (ie me!) in singapore office when there's really nothing much to do.. the only 'real' work is those administrative payments and.. cleaning the new office?? yet i have to submit a daily report on my work progress, which obviously kept me 'busy' having to find something to write about each day.
despite all these, i thank God that my boss really trust me with every possible decision i'm making for the office. even though there's a major dispute in renovation works, he didn't fault me for non-active anticipation or following up closely to his requirements.

2) good friendship with gwen
after leaving SAP, one would have thought rship would be distanced. however, whenever we meet up, the rapport is still as strong as she pours her woes to me and concerns over me. frankly, though i'm not physically in the company anymore, i can still relate to her frustrations, challenges at work.. not to mention that i'm still as 'updated' as before.
when it comes to dining and shopping, i've always find it hard to find female companion of the similiar interest (taste) and budget! their are either 'girlish'+spendthrift or 'executive'+expensive, not even near my range of economical sense (cents). yet, with gwen.. even though her income is REALLY good, with a good sum of 'retirement fund', her cents+sense are so much better than others. if i can put it bluntly, she is a rich good-fashion sensed 'tai-tai' who dine in hawker centres!
trust me, while people meet for dinner at cafes/restaurants, our dinner dates are usually in foodcourts or hawker. not that we are miser, but what is the point of having such 'luxury' meals for every gathering, not as if the food quality is really worth the price..

i really thank God for His favours! :)

12 Dec 09 - interesting chat at wee hours

piece of good news - morning coughing has subsided but nose is still uncomfortable at night as before.. in fact, i nearly caught another mild flu today because of the immense afternoon heat+humidity~ ya, i know i'm very sensitive to weather change, it cant be cold and not too hot.. i might as well be a walking weather-station.

few nights ago, due to my flu, i cant sleep hence i stayed online surfing for something to do.. until an interesting invitation to chat came in. yes, it was so interesting and interactive that we chatted for 6.5hrs, till 4.30am!! yes, u saw it right! chatted till 4.30am on a thurs night~ (my bro was surprised that i actually could wake up at 7am later).. well, i have to work, remember? i spent that friday setting up my office network, download free softwares that might help in my work and all those IT stuff.. by myself! (i'm so kinda proud of myself!) and no, i didn't feel sleepy till 6pm. by 6.30pm, i could almost walk with my eyes closed~ bed bed i need my bed..

since then, i wonder if i'd ever meet this interesting guy again. however one should always be careful and skeptical abt these 'online' friends, even though the feel/flow felt so right and comfortable. not that i've fallen at first 'sight' but it's always good to have such good wits interactions. then again, it's good not to have high hopes unless mutal consensus is ascertained.

nevertheless, i'll just wait and see what the future beholds.. first of all, this flu must go away~

7 Dec 09 - H1N1

time's now 11:55pm.. i've been wearing this thick SAP windbreaker over my long sleeves pypamas and long pants for past 2hrs in this cool night where everyone is enjoying a good cooling sleep, except me.. i'm sneezing, choking and my nose has been running and blocking.. what an experience to have this every night~ (even after taking my all-powerful yellow flu pill)

qn of faith comes to my battling mind.. what have i been doing? ever since my return from HKG, i've been sick with fever, sorethroat, cough and flu.. 4 out of 6 symptoms for H1N1.. ya, and i've not been to a western doc for consultant..but what if, it's H1N1?? well, i was 'lucky' enough to have dengue, out of the so many people.. i'm not surprised if so.. and not to worry, in fact H1N1 hsa become so common that likelihood is now more than 25%... 'common flu' just a bit prolonged..

i'm not dying in physical.. i know i wont die.. but i'm dying in spiritual. cos of this cold air curfew and nightly battle, i've not been attending cellgroup meetings (8pm), evening service (5-7.30pm) and even cant make it for morning services (10am).. basically if i would to rate my spiritual life, it's a big fat ZERO dead.

without social support (and understanding), no one inspires me biblically.. my only prayer is when i'm praying in my dreams, and i was really praying aloud - i can hear in my subconcious waking state! the Word? i try to remember what i had read before.. new reading? zero.. so what does that make me? spiritual death?? i've been dead 'physically', emotionally and now spiritually?? wow.. anyone wants to trade my interesting life?

very often, i thought of ending my whining blog and start something healthy to feed my spirit, but .. i'll be stucked.. what can i share? bible verse? God's promises? or inspirations?? give praise and thanks to God (which i know i should - 1 Thess 5:18)? .... now i know how great Jesus is when He chose to sacrifice His Life for us - it's not easy to keep following the will of God, esp when we are in sickness and sufferings. Great is His Love for us!

5 Dec 09 - cause of death

my family says i've too much saliva hence my frequent chokes.. but when i started coughing, choked and suffocated all out of a sudden, while i was watching tv (not even talking).. they agree i'm going to die soon.. what great family support i have.

yet i cant deny- everytime i coughed+choked like this, i know i'm so near death as i really had to breathe and grasp air with all my might, whatever i've left in my physical. trust me, if u ever seen someone choked to death, yes that's me when i was struggling to breathe..

times like this i cant help wondering when will i ever die.. when will i run out of this strength to breathe so hard so vitally.. seriously, i really wish those of you who doubt my 'sickness' can see me in that state, just to justify myself.. if i'm older (weaker) i wonder if i've the strength to grasp for air when my lungs are so crushed and suffocated.. it's either i'd die of asthma or bad cough/choke. i can even tell you my season of death = end of year where cold wind dominate the air..

to help myself, i have already placed curfew at 8pm on myself... see, i'm really taking care of myself~

4 Dec 09 - working from starbucks

guess where am i now? working from STARBUCKS cafe in raffles place.. minutes from my future 'cage' - office. thankfully, there's power plug available here! save me the trouble of going national library which is 3 bus-stops away.

good life? ya, i agree.. which is why i'm contemplating if i should do this in future, to stay out of the office. what i need is a power plug and broadband connection which i'm using the company's mobile broadband.. see, i'm so good in 'planning for future' :) as long as my boss and clients dont see me having such 'easy life'~

on the cons, i'm carrying this heavy load of 'mobile office' around.. trust me, with all my notebook, namecard holder, electrical stuff and a heavy laptop~ (i think my laptop loves me quite a lot. with me, it has travelled to several places outside home, even to SuZhou and Taiwan~).. but seriously, i did consider a smaller+lighter! netbook but doubt i'll like the feel of such limited space area. :P oh come'on, i used to work with 2 big LCD monitors simultaneously ok.. big space required for efficient work :P

anyway, if you are wondering why i'm not working in comfort of home.. well, i like to see people busy and rushing around for work while i'm working leisurely comfortably in cafe? haha.. yes, gloating is the word.. and i really enjoy being 'tourist' in singapore :)

30 Nov 09 - mutantX

i cannt believe i'm turning into a movie/soap freak~ i'm actually surfing for mutantX to find out why adam kane and emma delaurd are not in season3! cant believe i found it!
http://tv.blinkx.com/show/mutant-x/myYfGIC8b4yKrPGaF7JOrrUd5PI#s3e1

i really got to find more of these stuff to kill these office hours.. not that i've nothing to do, but i used to be so busy and so lack of time, now i'm facing such emptiness of time.. lotsa time with minimum tasks. ok, i'm complaining over my relax job, but trust me.. pretending to be busy is not easy.

28 Nov 09 - disappointed with people

can i tell u that i'm very upset.. over 2 persons?

1) i had a dinner date with a guy i met online.. yes, i'm that bored to agree to his date but trust me, he's so OUT! first, he's late; second, he didn't even offered to pay for the meal (we shared some dishes); and lastly, he's a total BORE!

i'm sorry, but if i had to initiate conversation, which my 'aggressive' attitude usually compels me to kill the silence, then you are out of the list~ and i'm not a person of giving chance for second date. and even as we chat, if the topic is not 'in-tuned', then please.. i'd prefer to eat alone or stay at home with my hugo.

i'm not 'high expectations'.. but being a 'buddy' girl who thinks and behaves boyish, if u still cant be the man as u are called to be, then trust me, i can be more manly than u.. what should i need a date then? silence and telepathy with my hugo is more comfortable than being with such 'weak' man. next better date, please~

2) i'm kinda grounded from going out in cold (cool) weather, esp at night, bcos of my sensitive lungs. didn't i tell u i've been coughing mad these days and cos of my bad cough i've been keeping away from service?

yes, i know church service is important.. but at the rate that someone doesn't trust me on my health, really discourages me from pushing myself to attend anyway.. i told u it's natural for anyone to doubt me cos i'm so healthy in the day, but why should i curse myself if i'm all so well?

anyway, i went to the doc for the 2nd time on my cough.. she said my lungs is really weak, esp in the extreme weather these days. i have to be careful and really keep as warm as possible and as cool as possible, so not to trigger the sensitive lungs. of course, being so sensitive to flu and colds, i'm in high risk of H1N1. i just have to be extra careful in this crazy weather.

trust me, people, when u see me healthy and well in the day, do not be deceived by my looks. when i'm suffering with bad hard coughs and running sensitive nose at night, i am often near my death-bed literally. the fight i've to put on to survive every night, esp in this Oct-Jan season.. i can just die if i dun fight at night.

yes, i know it'll be very hard for u to believe, but seriously why should i lie? why should i keep myself at home when i need to step out for a walk or to relax? dont i want to live and go out like normal people? when everyone is enjoying the cool breeze in this tropical island, cant you be more understanding to people like me whose death trigger is this coolness? u may not experience what i do, but try to believe there're weakness in everyone even though they are 'perfectly' ok.

27 Nov 09 - all thanks to this weather

what's the matter with the weather these days? when taiwan is having cooling temperature of 23C, i'm melting under a high scotching hot heat of 33C! worse still, where's my spring wind?? i cant even feel a breeze under this blazing sun! weather station expects storm in the afternoon, but where is it?! please come quench this drying land~~ i seldom have chapped lips, but now i've to apply lip balm every hr! hot hot hot~~

as much as it's logical to get in aircon environment now, but it's too hot for me to get out of my house! trust me, though i'm a sunny girl but i've never experience such crazy weather before - so hot too hot!! rain rain come, spring wind where are you?

and oh, did i tell you i'm suffering mad becos of this weather? i cant sleep cos of the warm night; then i'll coughing my lungs out (with tears and cant even breathe!) in this dryness; but i'll have such bad cold and flu at 4am cos of the coldness of dawn that i've to get up and grab my winter jacket, then battle with running nose till 6am.. and when i get up in the morning to this crazy sun, my body is totally normal that no one will believe i was fighting such a strong battle last night! (i know i'm getting on someone's nerves when i complain i'm so sick yet so normal in the day, it's just too hard to believe).. trust me, i am still very sick and weak at night! stupid weather!

ok enough of my useless complaints.. i'm still thinking about my spiritual walk. (and i chose the wrong person to confide this morning, he made me feel worse.)

anyway, i've to reconcile my walk myself.. the Bible says if you seek Him, He will surely let you find Him. even though i'm totally faithless, He is totally faithful in His Perfect love for me. i miss the 'heartache' i experienced in a cab, on the journey to B's house one day. the very heartache that caused me to weep in the cab, because of His great love for me despite of my backsliding and denial of His Holiness. (dont ask me why, I always have divine visions and experiences in cabs) that is the hurt yet love of 'giving you free will yet seeing you hurting yourself'... trust me, that is heartache in love

so what can i do to help myself now?
1) start praying - be it 5mins or 3mins, let the prayer engine warms up
2) start reading the Bible - a few more small books before completing the whole Bible
3) start attending service - after missing 2 services, it's about time to get connected corporately

26 Nov 09 - 心态会比较

i just had a late night 'chat' with my boss who told me to rest early (apparently he doesn't know i've been sleepless past nights).. anyway, i mentioned about church meeting (cos i just came back from it and working on my daily work report now).. his reply is ‘你信仰宗教'and‘心态会比较'.. of course, my response is about me enjoying what i do which is more important, not comparison. it really makes me ponder what does he mean by having a comparative attitude? did i interpreted it wrongly or i'm just over-sensitive? i really hope i interpreted his words correctly and with a corrent reply..

i really not the 'comparing' type of Christian.. perhaps in the past, yes, but now having been through 2008, i really it's all in God's timing and plan. very often, human fails to see our similiarities and focus on our differences, hence making such a divisional judgement. i also believe the way to share Gospel is not comparing faiths, not theological debate, but living your life as testimony.

of course, i'm pretty sure every Christian will agree with me - being a good living testimony for God. but to be frank, it's a forever-daunting-task for every human being. i'm sure you'll agree to 'we are not perfect' statement when you are in that 'we' but how forgiving can you be to the others?

Christians, including myself, experience ups and downs of life, hipes and pits in various cycles. trust me, it is very tiring trying to live out a good testimony but it's a goal we all strive at. for example, i was able to inspire some with my 'Bible knowledge' yet i can confess i also have my faithless and giving-up moments with the Word. i know i've been hogging some of you in your prayer discipline yet i also confess i've my prayerless months which my spirit is so dried up.. does that disappoint you? making you think i'm a fake or comparative judgemental?.. cos i'm also a human like you - imperfect.

24 Nov 09 - sleepless with God

cant sleep.. dunno if it's my hot milo or if it's my irrating throat which coughed so badly just now.. i could almost coughed out my lungs with the strength i was coughing.. i practically coughed with sweat and tears! i'm wet all over after 10mins of severe bad coughs and chokes, as if i'm in summer!

anyway.. i really cant sleep.. wonder if my bio-clock being disfunctional or i'm afraid to sleep.. or it's time for me to start praying and read my Bible, which has been laying on my bedside cupboard for a long time.. since my depression.

not that i've given up on God, but i really cant keep my faith up. there were times i felt so close to God, and others i'm ten-thousands-billion miles away from Heaven.. and this is one of those latter times. imagine me simply lazing on my bed, waiting for a sign from Heaven to fall without even lifting my hands to God~ yes, that's J now. totally 'keep doing what is right' despite the faithlessness within.

but somehow, from last week's cg message, i felt He is trying to cheer me on with the title 'dont give up'.. in the past i'd regard that as timely revelation, but now in my faithless and 'lifeless' spirit, i just know He will work something out.. and here i go-lazing and waiting for something to happen.. *gosh, i know this is not a good testimony but hey, i'm not perfect.. i also experience ups and downs of life* and i really need to sleep but my eyes are still so wide awake!!

24 Nov 09 - teary dreams

this is the 2nd time i'm crying in my sleep... real tears flowing down my cheeks with my eyes closed.. for the same person.. when i woke up, my hands covered my right chest as if to protect my aching heart.. trust me, it hurts much even in dream..but this time he didn't have accident.. just some hurtful things which i cant remember now..

the remant dream i remember now is the fleshy (real flesh!) exposed animals walking around me.. trust me, i was weeping like mad, calling every one present 'selfish'.. cos they were having a feast and having these poor skinned animals parading around!! it hurts, it really hurts..

i wonder if it's cos i've been eating meat, out of my special diet, cos of my poor health these days.. trust me, if you ever dreamt the dream i had, u will think twice or even more for eating meat again! those poor animals, skinned for their flesh and had to parade around.. it just breaks my heart~ok, ok.. i'll back to my fast now, since i'm also better in health.. i really cant bear those poor animals..

all in all, i didn't have a good night's sleep again.. *yawn*

23 Nov 09 - piggy J

i'm so turning into pig~ even though i wake up at 830am to log on msn, but i slept till 12 noon today! i also realised i've been yawning every other moment i'm out of house! seriously, i'm becoming a 101% 宅女 who cant even go out for work!

oh my goodness, i'm so dead.. i cant sleep at night.. when i sleep, i have strange long dreams.. and i can hardly wake for morning jog! how?! someone, help me! i need to get up at 730am for work, after office is renovated~! how how!! i cant be yawning for 8hrs in the office!!

yes, i'm having good life now - having only to work 4hrs (or less) literally and escape the other 4hrs in own time own target (as long as i dont get caught).. can you believe i actually worked 1hrs today, after waking up at noon? and spending the rest of afternoon in orchard, practically roaming around, cos there's less crowd on rainy day. envy? pls dont! i'm totally bored and yawning all the way from raffles place to orchard and orchard back home..

yes, i'm a pig..

22 Nov 09 - coughs with dreams

nov 21 is the first morning which 'spring wind' blew onto my face.. seriously, i really like this wind which only can be felt in this season.. trust me, the wind is very different in other seasons..

this spring wind is cool, strong and yet welcoming even to a cold-fear person.. it's just so nice to know spring is approaching.. even though i've been sick and nearly 'died' from real bad coughs due to season change, i really like this cool wind.. sigh, this is just me - when temperature changes for the 'cool', my respiratory system is on super hyper alert with sensitivity. this is the reason why i've not been attending church for 2 weeks - real bad coughs which i have to 'isolate' from the crowds.

anyway, i didn't practice full quarantine.. i attended a BBQ gathering with my ex-colleagues last night. even though the work topics are different now, but i really enjoy their company. (did i tell you one of them is leaving? returning to china to rest before finding another job? what good life! unlike my boss, she's not a spoilt chinese brat).. as usual, i dont think i was chatty in the gathering (that's my nature), i just simply enjoy listening (i'm not advertising for prudential). i could have written so much more thoughts and reflections last night but i was simply too tired when i reached home... so, that's all i can write for now.

p.s: i dreamt abt having a stupid exam, in which i'm so angry with the lecturer who simply cut and project those exam questions from various papers, hence making the whole exam so confusing and frustrating.. and i dreamt about mikii, something abt she's having a better life than my hugo (how could she be? my hugo is living like a king, with me as his 'pet'~)... and i dreamt i've this person who really cared for me, even though i was still half-hearted about accepting him (pls dont ask me who, it's a DREAM~) and this dream was really long cos i only woke up at 1030am~

18 Nov 09 - work from home

who says working from home is good?
i really dislike bring work home, let alone working from home.. i cant eat, watch tv in peace even though i'm spending 90% of my 'office hours' in front of my tv.. even watching my favourite Star Trek is so 'uncalming', and i cant leave my house~!!

yes, i enjoy the waking up an hr later (cos i dont have to travel to work).. but finding myself 'locked' in my own home is not something i'd wake up to.. but hey, u'll hear me complaining again when i have to wake up early to travel to work, and to find myself 'locked' in a 88sq metres office.. well, people are just hard to please.. but i still dislike working from home~

15 Nov 09 - coughing weekend

another weekend at home.. bad bad nasty cough which nearly 'killed' me in early mornings (4-6am) and when the nights turn chilly (8-10pm).. one of the things i really hate is cough - so much energy to cough and it also triggers my asthma. i'm just helpless...

but what warms my heart is the company of my whole family and my sons.. yes, i'm like a big baby who requires my mum to nag at me for my medication, wear warm clothing etc.. but it's a very warm feeling. even my hugo follows me and wants me to hug him all day.. it's a very nice feeling to be at home, even if i'm really going to die at home with this cough..

ok, speak of something cheerful.. i'm working tmr without boss and without things to do.. i merely have to collect company stamp, submit documents to designers - that's all my work tmr. yes, i'm pretty sure some of you may envy me but i dont really like it myself.. i wonder if i'm able to survive these 'relax' days.. not very value-adding to my resume..

u know what, i kinda have escalation in my condition.. everything seems to be screaming at me to use/hold/open them.. so many things to do, waiting for me to do.. totally overwhelming.. while standing in the kitchen, i was overwhlemed by all the things which are screaming at me to do- the food, the cups, the water flask, everything i see is do-able. anyway, i managed to shake it off.. i know it's just me - things dont shout on its own. sigh.. i really need to rest..

13 Nov 09 - taiwanese over PRC

finally! i'm back to my freedom, away from snobbish entertainment!! i really kinda had enough of 'putting a false front'.. thankfully it's over~!! until mid dec when the office should be ready for operation. meanwhile i'm working from home..

seriously i'm really sacrificing a lot for my depression.. my beloved workload, my challenging career, and excellent salary and all for a really lower salary and very simple 'do-nothing' job.. i'm starting to wonder how long can i stand this 'no/low challenge' job.. in meanwhile, i'll try to enjoy the paid-for-doing-nothing job and concentrate on my recovery..

seriously, in comparison i really prefer taiwanese than chinese.. they're world of difference in their attitude. taiwanese are more humane and better in human relations, despite of social class. these rich PRC are simply selfish and self-centred.. sigh.. societal displacement - good hardware poor software in china; bad hardware good software in taiwan. this is why gracious society is only a utopia. people loses respect for one another as they get richer.. this is so not right~ and i just feel taiwanese has a more international perspective, over PRC who is so satisfied with getting rich from internal trading.. such a country-pumpkinview in this international market!

ok, if u r concerned with my fever and flu, i'm going to start my real rest for recovery next week.. just waiting for emails, waiting for documents before i can initiate contractors to start renovation.. i'm just a 'errand girl' in this 'black market'..

12 Nov 09 - prejudice chinese

it's been a while since i came in here.. not that i dun want, but i simply too weak - down with bad flu and fever for past days due to the crazy weather.. not to mention i still continued working, walking around with my boss to meet his clients and his friends in this petroleum trading market. what a lucrative market, but i have to say there's a lot of 'black' money.. at least this is what i'm hearing from the past days.. just pure network and entertaining..

i nearly have the half mind to disassociate myself with this disorganised trade.. do you know my big boss is filthy rich, and so does my boss (who 'sacrificed' his high-paying 5-figure salary in big company to help my big boss out in this small company).. and though corporately we have 5 registered companies under this one holding but there're only less than 10 people in the whole corporate umbrella?! this is way way way smaller than wherever i used to work for!! no proper department, no IT!! i can just die with proper IT support!! and did i mention rich chinese are very prejudiced?! if u want to know what's snob, i can introduce u to my bosses! they are hopelessly snobbish rich chinese who totally forgotten they were once poor! ya china economy is growing but so what? the human software are snobbish!!

i'm so happy that i'll be left alone in this office, unless they travel to singapore (which i really hope they'll seldom).. totally snobbish brats! and racist too! trust me, their mindset is so 'PRC' - i'm rich so i can undermine those not as rich.. so old-fashion and so biased!! yucks!! trust me, if not for my medical conditions, i'd have resign and find a better and bigger company with good corporate culture who value employees!

9 Nov 09 - surprise at work

being severly lack of sleep (i only slep at 3am after arrival at 130am), i took another prozac just in case of possible freak and dragged myself to meet my beijing boss for signing of employment contract.. *i'm so tempted to call in sick for more sleep hours~*

to my surprise, nothing was prepared... it's all verbal negotiation but at the end of it, we managed to put some terms down as contract.. wow, this is the first time i'm doing my own contract! they dont work overtime and what's more, i get to rest on china's public holidays too! so basically i will have a lot of time resting.. what a good job! i'm so blessed by God!! really thankful and grateful for God's favour!

trust me, i could not wait to get this contract done and get home to sleep.. but my boss told me i'm officially starting work today!! wow, if he knows what's my internal reaction on this news, i'm almost so sure that he'll have permanent bad impression of me.. so, i basically tried to cheer myself up, cover the yawns and dragged myself to meet contractor after contractor with him.. trust me, i was so happy when he finally 'released' me from work, after visiting 2 office furniture shops.. how i wanted to fly home and sleep~

7-8 Nov 09 - recap of weekend in HKG

day 1: woke up reluctantly at 4am only to drag myself out of bed at 4.30am for a 6.30am flight, thru it all, i kinda worried that i might break down due to the 'excitment' and fear of 'facing the world alone'.. forced myself to sleep throughout the flight (if possible, i'll not take budget flight again, it's so boring!)..
went straight to Luk Yu TeaHouse for dim sum lunch upon arrival and met this lovely old jap couple, with my broken japanese and their limited english, we managed to break the ice of sharing same table.. they are just so lovely and his wife also had the same asthmatic inhaler like me~ food is not that fantastic but it was nice experience *first step of overcoming depression alone overseas* and a high tea at Ho Hung Kee for its excellent smooth porridge!
did something which i'd never do - went up The Peak for night skyview on HKG.. it's totally expensive but the really cool breeze is just what i needed to cool myself down from the city heat and walking.. reminded me of Kaoshiung harbour where i really had my peace up at the hillslope, overlooking the brightly lit harbour (i'm supposed to wait for daybreak but..i dun remember if i did); reminded me of YangMingShan over Taipei's night city where i had such fun thrilling ride up the hill in pitch darkness (it's so spooky that i didn't dare to turn my head around or look behind, just in case i see 'something'.. we just keep driving forward in those dark small bushy lanes).. i know i'm in HKG, but being with natural really brings my memory so close to taiwan.. i miss those confident and carefree days..
completed my shopping mission for boots within 5mins in ladies' night market.. i like the 2 pairs so much that i barely bargain on price, as long as they're reasonable affordable to me..

day 2: breakfast at Australia Dairy Co was a great mental challenge - it upset my whole body system esp my emotions that i had to rest at macdonalds to calm down.. yes, the scrambled eggs are excellent but i prefer the macaroni soup.. trust me, if u ever think of going there for breakfast, brace ur heart for a really noisy fast-action atmosphere (definitely wrong place for depressed person).. otherwise be like me, just concentrate on eating and get out fast~
practically walked the whole of Jordan-MongKok area in midst of maddening crowd.. it's so pack with people i just merely followed the crowd instead of shopping around..

on my return flight i reflected seriously on my 'performance'.. not bad cos i didn't break down even though day 1 was quite tough, facing the chaos streets and noisy crowd. it's so hard to find a quiet cafe to rest in hong kong island! but i survived and adapted well on foreign land exploration.. overall, i must say i did myself proud cos i know i'm learning to cope depression alone overseas and start doing what i used to enjoy - individual travel..

will i go back to HKG again? nope! perhaps another 5yrs more~ gwen told me once - people who like taiwan dont like hongkong; and people who like hongkong wont like taiwan.. TRUE - i vouch for it!

6 Nov 09 - death

sorry... a bit late on blogging today, partly cos of 'star-trek' and 'eureka' this morning. anyway, i'm relatively fine, except for some irregular heartbeats.. generally i'm ok, calmer.. my guess is this weekend trip is giving me stress before i actually could 'enjoy'.. if anything happens to me on this trip, this will be my last blog entry~

actually.. come, let me - being under depression, tell you how we think death is not a bad option afterall..
1) no more fighting with depression, which is a daily torture to be on guard against something u cant see..
2) no more being under public stigma, that depression is a 'mental illness' thingy.. (mind u, we are NOT psycho!)
3) no more anxiety attack (mild version of depression), so your heart can rest in peace..
4) no more thinking about the future, which addes uncertainty and possible fear..
5) no need to burden family members who have to take 'extra care' of us..
.. well, there're more if i can keep ruminating.. but i know i'll go crazy if i do

to counteract my dying thoughts, here's why i'm still alive..
1) i was dead twice and alive twice - there has to be a good reason for not allowing me to die
2) my family are very supportive despite the adjustments they have to make
3) my secret weapons are my friends - we may not be on constant contact, but we are always here for one another
4) my precious hugo needs my love and care
5) the feeling of being alive after death is greater than death itself

5 Nov 09 - rumination and blogging

rumination is creepy.. for days i've managed to block this co-partner of depression, but in the background of classical music, lazing on bed, staring at my white ceiling and lime-green walls, it just crept back into my mind.. first i started to think about minor things like 'it's time to wake up','what am i doing today','why i cant sleep last night' before it span off into greater issues 'friendship','work','depression' etc and into greater details.. my heart started to feel the stress.. that's why i identify this menacing foe - rumination. in the end i woke up with such heavy heart, all thanks to this stupid creep.

i'm going to have an official employment this monday.. wonder if i can take it before i lose it.. wonder how is the workload esp i'm working alone in singapore.. wonder if i could work happily with my boss (he was so stern during the interview)..

i'm going to HKG this weekend.. wonder will i be able to walk around alone, enjoying myself or staying in hotel room all day.. wonder if i'm able to enjoy the 'lost' feeling if i get lost.. wonder if i can withstand the cold (below 23C).. wonder will i die there.. should i get travel insurance for a 2D1N trip..

i'm still unable to start my morning exercise and i'm starting work soon.. wonder if starting employment now is good for me.. wonder if i'll ever be disciplined enough to get up for morning jog (i need to expose to dawn to adjust my bioclock).. wonder if i'd ever get out of depression, despite knowing and doing all the changes to lifestyle..

my old friend's issue.. wonder if it's true (i still choose to give him benefit of doubt).. wonder what's in his mind now.. wonder what's he doing.. what's the real situation.. will i be able to trust him as i do now.. will i be able to cope with disappointment if it's true..
....etc etc etc

******************

time check 1.50pm, abt 4hrs after i've gotten out of bed.. but my heart rate is amazingly irregular fast, that i have to place my hand over to ensure it's not popping out.. took my daily pills and vits but not really working.. watched my favourite sci-fi programmes but it's not calming down..

the rain stopped,it's cool outside.. thinking of going for a walk later (if i can get out).. somehow i know this heart rate has to slow down, i have to stop putting pressure on myself (the power of invisible stress), somehow i know blogging helps me to download this stress (it's starting to work now).. gosh, what if i've started working and i cant blog to download... will i die of overloading myself with this invisible pressure? gosh, where else can i download...

i seem not to be enjoying what i used to enjoy.. classical music makes me ponder and sleepy (i've been oversleeping - another extreme of depression), watching sci-fi provides no reality escape, even walking on the street makes me guilty for roaming around.. it seems like the best place to be is on my bed, in front of my laptop..blogging with my hugo snoring besides me..

4 Nov 09 - friend/ cheat?

finally i managed to have a dreamless night, slept so well despite the shock last night..
6.30am - wakey rang and dismissed; attempted to get up for morn jog
7am - work rang and dismissed; still attempting to get up
8.30am - a call from old friend who franatically trying to explain his rship with his gf..

from the fact that he was anxious to explain himself via sms early morning, and when i'm not responding he called in person instead, i guess i can give him the benefit of doubt.. dun get me wrong - it's not that i'm gullible or naive (perhaps) but i'd rather trust in our friendship, taking the risk that he might have been a bad guy all these while.. well, it's not as if i'm going to marry him, but for the benefit of himself, as a man, i think he has better to have some integrity if he treasure our friendship. that's minimum requirement of a man, right?

i confess it did hurt me when i received the news last night, out of sudden.. but i'm hurt cos i felt 'cheated' all these yrs of friendship.. is this the friend i've known and cared for all these years? it can be very hurtful to a friendship..

anyway, i just replied him that i'll trust on on our friendship, but i also hope he'll settle whatever issue he has with the lady who 'claimed' to be his gf.. though she's not threatening me (not yet?), but as a man, i expect him to be clear and clean with such issue.. if he cant, i just have to say i'm really disappointed in him..

"好朋友"

just read a FB message.. which i'm totally shocked yet i have to be happy for him..
but still, i just dun understand why my good male friends cant tell me directly, and i often have to get this kind of news through their gfs? am i that 'scary' that they cant share their joy of new relationship with me. their so-called '好朋友'

honestly, this is not the first time that i receive such news from his girlfriends.. in fact, this time is much friendly, compared to the previous 2.. but still, i just dont understand why guys can say somethng which obviously they dont mean.. where's their so-called 'perserverance for love'? this is the reason why i still cannot trust him completely.. it's just too horrible to trust and disappoint again..

anyway, to my dear old friend if you are reading this -
honestly, i'm happy for u cos u have found someone who cares for you.. but i'd prefer to be informed by you, rather than your girlfriends.. it's not a good feeling when someone you do not know suddenly message you to inform you of such news. sometimes, in fact very often, i just dont know what are you thinking in your mind.. hopefully one of these days you can finally be true and be yourself in front of me.
老實說,老朋友,我真的為你交到好女友而高興..但我畢竟還是希望從你得知,而不是你的女朋友.. 突然間又有陌生女生說是你的女朋友,當'好朋友'的我卻甚麼也不知道,這滋味真的是不知所措地不好受. 雖然認識你已有十幾年,但還是真的越來越不了解你到底在想甚麼.. 只能希望有一天你能老老實實,真真確確地向我露出真你.

3 Nov 09 - mild attack n match-make

not a gd morning for i'm having this emotional tension n physical panting since the moment i woke up.. and of course, i lazed on my bed for 2hrs before i really get up.. hey, dun envious - i was fighting a bad cold from 3am-5.30am, hence i'm super tired when i woke at 9am..was dragged to lunch with my father, despite the hard pounding of heart and weak body.. trust me, even i was surprised to see how frail and pale i am this morning.. even now at 1pm,my lips are still whitish pale..

anyway, in this state today, i cancelled an interview but trying to rest well for a fun profiling later, before meeting gwen for dinner. fun profiling = a nice way of match-making.. yes, i'm allowing myself to go thru this nonsense later.. but for sure, i'm not going to join their membership till i'm emotionally stable.. just an excuse to drag myself out of house later..

ok, let's see what's wrong.. last night i cant sleep, having another mild nervous attack.. i thought of my HKG trip this weekend - what's to bring etc (esp i'm travelling VERY LIGHT); thought of someone (in the end i decided to sms him); thought of my employment which i've not seen the contract; thought of my finances.. all in all, it's able to trigger a mild nervous attack.. i simply cant sleep no matter how tired and watery my eyes were.. even when my sleep pacer - hugo is snoring loud besides me, i just cant sleep.. then the next thing i know is i'm fighting a serious bad cold at 3am.. sigh..

what shall i do? one moment i seem to be in control, another day i'm having this mild attack (which could be worse if not for my suppression).. i'm like a stretching rubberband, just dunno when i'd be snapped off.. just trying to hold onto as much sanity as i can now..

***************
before i rattle off abt myself, i really want to tell you how my father loves me~! i told u that he sacrificed his hard-earn money for my bills, and today after knowing i'm going HKG trip over this weekend, he pushed another few hundreds to me again, insisting that 'you're not working how to have money to eat dim sum'.. yes, behind the ugly truth that i'm near broke, but it's the love from his little egoistic acts that touches my heart.. really, he may not the most approachable or sociable father but his love is beyond his willingness to sacrifice.. i thank God for putting me in his fatherly care, into this family!

ok now, back to myself.. when i came back, my mum was eager to know what's the outcome of the fun profiling (ie match-making).. to be honest, i went with a pure reason to drag myself out, even knowing it'll be very futile.. and true enough, even the consultant was teasing and suggesting why didn't i consider taiwanese guys since i used to work in taiwan (of course i didn't disclose further details) and my reply was to enlarge my circle of friends here in singapore.. gosh, why is everyone telling me to consider taiwanese guys? didn't they know it's very hard to maintain long-distance relationship? ..anyway, in the end, the consultant could match me to no one as my preference is really very focused :P

anyway, i'm also learning to let loose of time.. i used to grip on time management; plan my work and life with such precision and schedule.. and now i've decided to take a week at a time (see, i'm improving from a day at a time).. dun ask me anything further than this week - i dun wan to have another anxiety attack. a week at a time, each day to enjoy. this will be my motto from now on, till i'm able to cope with more challenges.. meanwhile,J,take ur time to recover from depression :)

2 Nov 09 - loved

i had another dream.. this time i didnt want to wake up (in a way)..
i was with someone who really cares for me (bro,ur prayer for someone who loves me more than i love him came true in this dream).. i was really well-taken care of, even though he had to leave for work.. somehow being with him, i was happy and i know i can trust him completely.. *clue:i know this guy in real life but i cant trust him completely yet*
next scene - i was on my bed, lazing to get up as usual.. when i finally up, i saw my little siblings (about 8 of them) all watching tv when they should be in school.. i started teasing and asking them for their reason of truant.. it was fun being around with kids who hugs and snuggle to u (it's so contrasting to real life where i'm rather 'scare' of little children who'll cry for no reason)..

strange, i know.. but it's a total feeling from the previous dream.. i cant say i love them but i certianly felt loved.. well, if u r believer of 'dreams reveal secrets', i must say these nights i've revealed quite a lot of my darkest secrets, kinda scary too... wonder if this is a recovery process or just me?

1 Nov 09 - bad bad dream and father's love

i was in a comfortable setting with B.. before i braced up my encourage to ask 'how're u and her?'.. his reply was as calm as he was when he last came to my house to apologise to my parents.. such expression with no feeling.. he even told me he's proposed to her and i pressed in further, knowing it wont get me anywhere, 'how abt with me?'.. he explained he felt suppressed, inferior when he's with me.. i jumped 'how's so?'.. 'maybe bcos i'm comparing with the others where they are so cared for'.. the pain stabbed my heart, i began to cry (in my dream).. 'have i not been caring for u? i didnt ask u for more and give u all the freedom to be yourself'..'i know but it works both ways'..'ya, BOTH WAYS and how abt u?'.. he's speechless.. in my raging tears, even though knowing he's already engaged, i just wanted to hear from him.. 'is this ur way of loving me for hurting me this much?'.. silence and he turned away.. i was so enraged that things appeared and i grabbed and threw at him.. trust me, it hurts me everytime the items hit him so i stopped.. decided to end it, i whispered the words in his face and i woke up..

what a bad dream! not nightmare, just bad bad dream!! i was on the verge of slipping into depression with the pain prolonged from the dream, so much so that i quickly popped my prozac in. why.. why am i having this dream..it's like someone is opening up sealed chest of memories with B.. some people say dreams reveal the deepest secret, does it mean i've not 'closed the case'? and by having this dream and closing it like that, does it mean i'm closing it? gosh, the pain of 'revisiting' is still in my heart (i'm trying to ease it within) omg, this is really a bad bad bad dream! and i really hope i've closed the case now and no more revisit~!

******************
i really thank God for my father~ esp thru this depression, he is the most understanding and supportive for my rest.. when he knows i'm stressed for money, for new work, he could even suggested sponsoring my driving lessons so i can apply to be taxi-driver!! imagine me as a cab driver!!! his intention was really good - cos cab driver works on his own time, hence less stress than management corporate level.. well, i know he really meant well and i really thanked him for his suggestion, but i'm just not a car-driving person..

anyway that's how thoughtful he is, not to mention he'll always make it a point to deliver or bring me out for lunch every weekdays.. as much as i really have no appetite and didn't want to get out of house, i just had to cos his patience and love behind these naggings that i should eat~ and did i mentioned he's concerned on my monthly bills payments that he shoved few hundreds to me so i can pay off the bills.. i mean, few hundreds! ok, for those of u working, few hundreds is small amount but for a cab driver, even one hundred bucks is huge cos it'll require one whole day of hard work to pay cab rental ($100 per day)+high cost of fuel(imagine the high consumption for all the distance)+carpark charges+daily meals+possible 'income' to survive! let alone my dad's memory is really so bad now so he cant really drive far, not even to town - those buildings and directions confuse him.. all in all, it's really hard for him now to earn enough to pay for his daily rental and fuel charges, let alone having balance to pay for my bills..

i really thank God for my father. he may not be the easiest-to-please or even 'friendly' father, but he's always there for me, always dependable (package inclusive of his naggings n ego).. in his subtle ways of love, he dotes on me more than my sisters.. trust me, i could never have been so close to him or even been patient to listen him if not for my depression periods.. thru this depressing periods, it is his gentle love which surpasses the love from other family members.. i guess this is what people describe as 'still water runs deep'..it's not the normal times he shines, but in extraordinary situations~ i love you, father, though i still dun have the courage to say that in person.


Matt 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

31 Oct 09 - tea trap

woke up early at 8am for an exercise appointment with joanne n gwen.. however, my period started and there's no sun today so joanne n i decided to call it off.. trust me, i was 80% well dressed when decision was made.. but i was kinda grinning within, first day is always not a good feeling.. so i'm staying at home for now before church service.. what a cool day to stay indoor~~

emotionally i'm feeling ok; physically i'm in menstruation agony.. now i know why i've this compulsive craving for tea (a direct no-no with menses).. once u fall into its tea trap, ur period days will really be hell (take it from the one in pain now).. one thing good from this pain is i have a valid reason for lazing today, while others are helping out in housechores.. haha, 'blessing' in disguise.

30 Oct 09 - 紅顏知己

根據Depression Cure書上說,若躺在床後的15分鐘還失眠狀態,就不要再躺下去了.. 找些輕鬆的活動讓自己鬆懈,疲累才回床睡. 菁不知道為甚麼總是睡不著.. 反反覆覆了20分鐘還是決定寫部落格來'下載'心情..

菁有一位很要好的朋友,一位非常關心愛護菁的老朋友.. 雖然有點曖昧但菁還是堅持了友情的立場, 畢竟十多年的友情真的很可貴.. 但最近傳來了簡訊使菁的思緒(加上現在的病狀),真的讓菁想了又想..

為甚麼不能接受呢? 是菁對自己的要求太嚴格, 或是彼此的生活已不是當初的簡單了? 是倆人原本就是兩個世界還是生活的變化? 是異國的差異嗎,還是自己對感情的信心已經到谷底了? 雖然渴望愛護與扶持但又非常害怕付出的代價.. 想到這裡,菁就不禁頭痛起來, 不禁覺得憂慮.. 對這位常常惦記菁的朋友,自己也不知道該怎麼面對.. 雖然知道他不想只是朋友但'朋友'還是最好的,不是嗎? 菁自責因為紅顏知己的關係, 也常常會想聯絡這朋友.. 尤其是在失落的時候,他是菁訴苦甚至哭訴的理想對象.. 時常被挨罵的他總是能將菁的淚水換為笑聲, 讓菁可以輕鬆地'下載'種種的鬱悶和悲傷.. 這樣的男生何處有? 但菁終覺得朋友最好..

也許應該說說他的不足吧.. 認識他多年,老實說對他的了解並不深.. 他總是'大哥哥'似的愛護但他的內心事總是會讓菁猜不著.. 有時幾乎感覺是單方面的依靠,, 也可能是信仰的差異,所以菁不敢和他查經書,聊天主的啟發等等.. 雖然這小子很會得人喜歡但說到細心和主動,他還真的有好長的學習路喔. 還有,也許處處禮讓菁是他愛惜的方式,但菁還是覺得男生應該有些固執和無理.. 鬥智才有情趣,不是嗎?

不管怎麼樣,菁打從心底感激這位老朋友的友誼.. 感恩上帝奇妙的安排! 謝謝你,朋友! 你在我心永遠是'特別地位'的紅顏知己!!

30 Oct 09 - power of tea

power of tea.. i had a cup of chai tea ytd and i'm having signs of some depression.. well, for days i'm 'free from anxiety' but today i woke up with a sense of anxiousness.. thankfully i managed to identify and control it before i start hiding in a corner of my bed.. seriously, J, no more coffee or tea for u - too risky. i'm still trying to control the heart-beat now..

i've been thinking abt the counselling conversation ytd.. either he's good as counsellor or he's great leadership.. i realised he was actually diagnosing my depression with such sensitivity and tactfulness! ya - my trigger point is lack of emo support. considering B's sudden decision to walk out, my whining on finding a bf (to the extreme i really felt 'just find a guy, get married and not work') and then loss of work support.. all these leads to my depression.. and this is a path i've to learn to walk on my own cos no one can be forever with me in this earth.. saying is easier than done but if i dun, i'll always be trapped with this trigger.. *see, i told u he's good* and it'll make it harder for me to find a support cos he must be really strong and loving to take care of a depressed partner! frankly, he'll have been extincted since 19th century..

gosh, what can i do from now till 8pm(cgm).. i know it's boredom to stay at home, i should make a walk under the sun (afterall it's cool now after a drizzle), i can read my book, listen to music or make a trip to library.. but i simply have no initiative, resting on my comfort chair is all enough for me now.. lazy? tired?? or just depression??? whatever.. i'm going back to sleep soon..

**************
i know i'm 'asking for it'.. but i just couldn't resist KOI temptation - when i've lotsa time to spare so watching the crowd with a cup of pearly bubble tea is really too hard to resist.. i sure hope i wont get into another 'fit' tmr morning.. or perhaps i should take additional prozac before i sleep, just in case..

anyway, today was the first night of a new cellgroup.. if i've not been to my previous cg, i'd say this is 'THE' cell for me.. cos the flow is so 'CHC hollywood days', not that God is not innovative, but the familiarity of such flow is really very homely.. anyway, i guess God is trying to teach me something.. after a yr of switching and transferring, i'm back to this flow - the one i was searching for initially.. but now, i'm glad i'm made new friends and new perspective during this 'de-tour' trip. wherever God is, that's all it matters..

29 Oct 09 - proud of being 30%

i'm so proud of myself..for admitting to depression; for being the 30% of depression patients who acknowledge we are under depression.. but it's very scary to know the 70% still suffering alone out there, under the torment of depression stigma and denial of this illness.. trust me, depression is NOT a 'mind thing'..

met up with my zone supervisor this evening.. practically dragged myself out to orchard after lazing at home for whole day.. come to think of that, i'm really thankful, this time round, i've lotsa friends who really initiated and dragged me out from my house.. as much as i know staying at home is not healthy, but when u r in depression, initiative is just disappeared from ur vocabulary. this illness will consume all ur energy and initiative, but it's not a mind thingy..

anyway, so happened that he's a counsellor by profession too.. hence it's really nice to talk to someone who really understand depression, someone who knows the scream of protest in pain inside my body although i'm physically 'cheerful', someone who knows every little step i take requires a lot of my energy and concentration.. to be able to go orchard alone is really quite acomplishing task.. we chatted, this is the first time i chatted so openly about my condition with someone i respect within my circle of friends.. we spoken about depression, the possible discovery of myself on cause, about God, about the Bible.. and to my surprise i really like talking to him (i used to 'fear' him cos of his leadership).. anyway it was a really great chat and he wanna meet me again next week~~ (the last rememberance i had about meeting high church leadership was when i had to be discipled) but this time i really kinda look forward to meet him, despite his busy schedule (i'm glad i've a slot)

u know, he kinda brighten me up - highlighting that God is guiding my every step, despite i've not been wanting to speak to Him.. eg getting the right book to 'cure' depression, sending people to date me out, and helping me to accept who i am.. it's really wonderful to be open about under depression! :)

29 Oct 09 - morning flu

not good not good..
briefly awake at 2am (again) to know the time before awaking at 6am with a serious bad flu, caused me to really get up and look for my small yellow pills.. which work like a miracle pills - within 5mins my flu is gone and i'm able to sleep at 615am.. and because i'm under the drowsy spell, i missed my 7am dosage of prozac.. which i fanatically popped into my mouth at 11am.. gosh, the strong spell of flu medicine - nearly 6hrs of sleep!

anyway, i had dreams again.. it's a happy one (at least i felt so in the dream).. it's like i'm in a 'tour' or something.. a couple of good friends whom obviously i've not known in real life.. been to places which i could identify as 'been there' but seriously doubt so in my wakening hours.. all i know is i sang a praise song to God in the travelling vehicle.. to be frank, i've not been talking much to God, let alone praising or worship Him (other than service/cgm).. but i really sang my heart out in my dream to praise Him, kinda like sing-along with CD.. but it was nice, praising God, i mean..

**************
just received a call from Eirene - her invitation to Night Safari for FREE holloween outing tmr.. really, i really thank God for this galfriend.. we are poles apart even though our birthday is the same.. she's the outspoken, bubbly gal whereas i'm more 'no-nonsense' listener, and the only common area - we think a lot ahead.. there are friends who call themselves friends but seldom think of you, but there are friends who u dun really regards them as close friends yet they think often of you.. my dear eriene is the latter.. nevertheless, she's really a gem to me. God has His wonderous ways of bringing friends into our life.

28 Oct 09 - futile attempts but will keep trying

trust me, i really made attempts to wake up at 630am, 7am and 8am for a jog.. i was awake at 2am and 4am, thanks to my bioclock.. anyway, the attempts were obviously futile cos my body was only dragged out of bed at 1030am.. i tried, i really tried..

anyway, people are asking me when is my start date with the new employer.. ermm.. actually i really do not know. i know my future/potential boss will only be back in singapore on 10nov.. but to start work? unknown. it's weird that i didnt ask during interview (usually i would), in fact this interview was so 'efficient' and too swift that i didn't ask any questions~! so i decided to ask for a copy of employment contract for reference.. still waiting for his reply.. i've this preparation that if it turns out to be a coax, i'll start sending resume after my HKG trip, but need to start working asap (i'd be declaring bankrupt very soon!)

if u r concerned abt my mental health, u will be happy to know i'm under stablisation. besides from the morning jog battle, no more anxiety attack.. but if u r concerned abt my stomach flu, gosh.. keep praying.. i still have this 5% of air trying very hard to get out and i really want them out! nevertheless, i'm able to stand up straight etc, just a very often yawn+burp+fart.. anything to get those air out~

27 Oct 09 - Dreams

slept easily without much tossing (i suspect it's the multi-vitamins - dun take vitamins before sleep).. but i still woke up at 6am, 7am, 830am, 9am and finally 10am with a dream which i cant remember now.. it has something to do with family gathering, animals go wild in city and protecting my daughter (she's a really lovely girl~)

ya i know it's kinda of weird and frustrating.. finally i can sleep at night yet having such dream which kept me awake.. now then i'm get of the bed, my stomach flu is not gone - less but still here.. gosh, stupid cold crabs.. whoever says cold crabs taste good (in fact they do), beware of the consequences!

wanted to wake up at 630am for a jog, apparently it didn't come to pass.. now it's raining outside with such thunders that my 2 dogs scurried to my chair, snuggling next to me on my little seat.. they are just so cute when they do that (u shld see hugo's eyes-'yearning for comfort' look).. and sydney basically hid under my leg hole of the chair, even though it's a small space.. gosh, they are just so cute!

26 Oct 09 - crabby flu

one of the worst state of body is stomach flu or bloatedness.. since last evening, my tummy is such a airbag with all conventions of air flows.. i can barely stand upright with the misery of knot-tied stomach with breathless grasp of air exchange.. yet i had to walk my precious son who was so excited about going out (gosh, he's totally ignorant of my agony when he looked forward to his 'gai gai' trip)..nevertheless i still managed to walk him to bishan park and let him go free in the field while i squatted in such agony..

if any of you had seen the medicated oil commercial - the one with a little girl who felt much better after farting.. ya, that's how i was last night.. finally getting much better to rest.. with no problem to sleeping.. that little red bottle is really a wonder, no wonder my sis always keeps such a big bottle in her room.. peace and ease for whole of last night..

this morning the bloatedness and knot in my stomach returns.. i'm resting helplessly in my comfort corner, applied the wonder oil (hoping it'll work fast cos i'm thinking of going library later).. my sis told me it's the crabs i've tried to finish with my mum.. but that was 3 days ago~ my digestive system cant be that delayed in processing.. or perhaps it processed hence leaving all the air behind? whatever it is, this is not a good state to be in.. i'd rather be in flu than stomach flu!

25 Oct 09 - self-help

expected.. i was a sluggard when i woke up, in fact how i hope i could continue sleeping but it's sunday.. family breakfast on sunday morning.. i relectantly pulled myself out from my bed and get ready for breakfast.. what a 'exhausting' breakfast, at least for me cos my heart was beating at such fast rate throughout the meal.. i cant even finish my noodle in peace..

ok, let's look back and see what did i do wrongly.. prozac, EPA, daily vitamins - my essential stablizers.. did i drink tea/coffee? as much as i crave for KOI bubble milk tea, i have been able to resist caffine intake.. have i been eating? yes, i've been eating despite no appetite.. exercise? i just went jogging and swimming this week..sunshine? i sun-tanned ytd.. ok, so what went wrong? and oh yes, did i mention i was feeling cold for the whole day under the hot sun? feverish?? nope my temperature is fine, i just have lower tolerance for cold than usual (at first i tot it's H1N1..:P)

on overall, i'm better than i was 2weeks ago.. but still under self-monitor in hope to stablize myself.. now i'm upgraded myself to be my own shrink cum doctor.. that sure saves a lot of consultation fees.

24 Oct 09 - sleepless in amk

time now is 0044am.. what am i doing up at this wee hour, esp depressed patients need alot of rest.. well, one simple reason which has been haunting me for past nights - I CANT SLEEP. i simply and really cant sleep.. no matter what i do - watch tv, read books or even took sleeping pill (only if i really have to).. i just cant sleep.. when i was watching tv, my eyes are so tired.. when i was reading, my mind told me i need to sleep 'now' .. but the moment i lay on my bed, i'm 101% awake as an owl.. tossing ard or even rocking myself to sleep have no effect to make me less awake..

so be prepared for the morning 'slug', J.. cos u r so dead if you still cant sleep, yet ur bio-clock will wake u at 7am!

23 Oct 09 - better or not

hi, J, how r u feeling today? afterall u found ur job (even though it's so much lesser in renumeration), but hey, it's a less stress job which i'm sure u can comfortably stay in the position for at least 3yrs (assuming u enjoy the work environment when it starts).. all things work for the good of those who love God.. somehow one day things will be clearer..

i'm still feeling a bit hard on the heart.. waking up with a pressured heart that i really dont feel like waking at all.. other than that, i guess i'm feeling fine, under medication and regular intake of vitamins and EPA... i really wonder where does this heart pressure comes from..

anyway, u remember abt joanne - the dear friend cum ex-colleague i spoke about.. we decided to meet for a swim in The Sail condo tmr.. trust me, she's anti-sports but cos of sun-tan, she's willing to get to the pool~ (amazing things women do for beauty)..believe it or not, i'm really spoilt.. cos i like the heated pool (rich people's pool). i sure hope i wont get any 'heart attack' or sort tmr.. someone, help me to ease this pain..

22 Oct 09 - offered and accepted

good news or bad news first?
bad news - i'll be getting a lower salary, much lower than my last drawn..
good news - i'm offered on the spot (again) to a new PRC energy trading office set-up..

this time i readily accepted the offer.. i know it's a way big compromise on pay-cut but .. i'll be working alone in singapore office, unless the VP comes over.. basically they just need someone physically in singapore office, tending over some admin, some invoices and some banking matters.. an 'errand' girl per se..and working hrs is 0830-1700hr, which is good for me (after working long hours for years).. ya i know, having a 'relaxed' job, how could i expect to be paid equally or higher than my previous.. but hey, this is really way way below my negotiable expected.. but anyway, my greed on its job scope got me to accept the offer.. guess i just have to re-budget my expenses and lifestyle..

and another blessing is that i'll only need to get to work in mid-nov, meaning i can have 2more weeks of rest to overcome this depression :) thank God for such arrangement! though i've not been into the actual work environment, but i hope it cant be that bad cos it's singapore land tower (raffles place mrt).. u know, my ministry leader shared this with me when she knew depression caused my last resignation-"when God pours blessings, He really pours them all out, just wait for Him". despite my 2 on-the-spot job offers, i'm getting more interview arrangements from agents.. *dun worry, i'm settled on this position, so i'll give the others a chance for those interviews :P*

thank You, God, for your providence and grace! indeed, Your plan is greater than my plans; Your way is higher than my ways!

21 Oct 09 - God and prayer

it's really hard to be God.. imagine making the decisions of life and death, joy and suffering, to every creations which you hold so dear in ur heart.. ok, perhaps trials will make people stronger, but i'm sure making death decision is not a delightful thing to do..

anyway.. my heart is under some pressure again.. i really dont wish to wake up, not even at 930am~ for those of u who dun (and i pray u wont) have this illness, depression is a terrible illness, corroding parts of u from psychological to physical, disabling u to do anything and eventually suicide.. i know people keep telling me it's mental thing, but trust me, if it's mental it's depressed, not depression. honestly, i dun think the term 'depression' justify the pain and torment we have to go thru in depression.. u guys should read more into depression - it's a rising star in modern day lifestyle, affecting millions yet they disregard it to be 'bad mood'..

*************
quick, kneel on ur knees and pray with me.. i've this job interview which is getting me excited.. sounds like a great office job which i was doing in the taiwanese firm.. with the similiar scenario of new office set-up, i really hope i can join their pioneer team in singapore.. i really pray it'll be a successful interview.. may God's wisdom and favour of men be upon me. Amen!

20 Oct 09 - offered but reject

i'm offered the position on the spot.. but it's nothing that i'm proud of.. i've a good piece of mind to reject the offer actually... though it's of my expected salary and job scope, but it's a local company whose boss was from MNC (hence she can tell you all the pros n cons of being in MNC).. but ultimately, i ask myself am i ready to work.. cos my heart is so much under pressure that i've to quicken my pace back home before i drop dead or worse, break down in depression..

let's go back to my option; i can continue to job hunt or accept this offer. job scope wise, i've no issue - it's what i enjoyed doing as office manager. but the working culture and environment is another issue which leaves me stressed.. i tried not to compare my previous 'best' 'ideal' work environment but .. somehow this work environment does not give me the peace nor the 'yes i want to work here' feeling.. instead, to be frank, i had the good piece of mind not to work here before the interview started, be it my condition or my intuition.. but now i'm in this fast-pounding stressed heart when they offered me.. what the heck am i doing? now i've to take another dose of prozac to calm me down..

********************
with the increased dosage, my body is reacting to its effects - fatigue.. and the more i tried to convinced myself to accept the job, the more i feel obligated.. so i decided to give them my rejection tmr.. perhaps it's not the time to work yet, perhaps it's really not a suitable environment.. but whatever it is, i have to bear the consequences of rejecting this offer... J, you really have to stay close to God, only He will give u the best~

19 Oct 09 - no pressure

good news~! no pressure on heart this morning (though it's still a struggle to get up at 930am)! went out to have breakfast and a short trip to library~ gosh, it's so packed with people on monday morning~ exam period??

borrowed a book on MS Excel and another on Depression Cure.. wonder how am i going to finish it within 2wks! looking at the library receipt, i realised i'll be leaving for HKG in 2wks' time too! well, i arranged this trip as a 'reward' that i'd have finished my 3mths after resigning.. but looking at it now seems like a mockery.. anyway, i sure hope i'd have the sanity and joy to take care of myself overseas, even though it's only a weekend getaway..

***********
after deleting my salary details, i finally receive a call for a job concern.. admin job scope wise i'm fine with it, but my next worry now is the environment.. it's a local training company, so no expats.. well, we'll see how it goes.. *pray prayer* (btw, i'm really enjoying this book - 'The Depression Cure' by Stephen S Ilardi... this is what depression is about and the pain within~!)

17 Oct 09 - diagnosis and trust in God alone

today is saturday but i still have this pressure acting on my heart.. told my cg that i'll be attending service later (afterall i missed last week's service and cgm last night) but i dont know how to 'face' them.. not that i've to be answerable to them, but it'll be kinda weird to explain that depression is not mental illness, esp i'm in depression itself. but what the heck.. i just have to give it a shot somehow later..

can someone telll me what is the cause of my heart-pain, if that's a better way to put it.. the pressure that is acting on my heart.. soft classical music, tv programmes and streaming movies, u name it i guess i've tried all known ways to relax and ease this stress.. but it's not helping. i really need to get back my normal heart rate before i drop dead of heart attack..

if any of u is a doctor, tell me what should i do?
hard pounding heart beat; no/less appetite; hard to sleep at night and hard to wake up; besides from blogging, i'm simply 'lost of what to do'; take my pills and vit on time (knowing very well the high price of missing dosage).. what's your diagnosis?

***************
i was reminded of how lifted i would be whenever i attend church, be it service/mass, or cgm.. today's message was so apt on the book of Job.. and we all know Job was successful and lost it all in 1 day.. what a blow he must had, but in midst of physical, mental and emotional (fyi he slipped into depression too~), he kept his faith in God and trusted God in all that happened.. yes, this is the book which prepared me for my first depression.. and now, it's coming back at me now.. and i cant tell you, how much i've ignored His guidance and comfort for past days (how ingrateful i am~) ..

well, what can i say.. God is still watching over me. all these happen for a reason, a reason which i'm too young to know now.. He will light my path and guide my steps! God is good all the time; and all the time, God is good! He who is in me is Greater than he who is in the world!! J, trust in Him, o ye faithless one..


Job 13:15
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.

16 Oct 09 - slow-death

another day started with such pressure on the heart.. trust me, i tried to relax myself but nothing ease the pain except sleep.. so i slept.. till 11.30am.. ya that's about the time i wake up every day now.. even though my bio-clock still works, waking me up at 7am, i simply took my pill then.. so that makes my routine - 7am fluoxetine, 11.30am cod syrup and vitamins, 4pm cod syrup and 9pm cod syrup.. anything that keeps me sane..

now that i'm sane, no more panic attack, i have to find a way to keep my heart from all the pressure everyday.. it might be my slow-death if this pressure keep acting on my heart like this, i might have a heart attack anytime..

today is exact 1 week since i'm not working.. i really dont know how long this recovery will take, but it's really testing my patience.. at this rate i'm going, i might as well be 'scare' of talking to my sisters.. obviously, our conversations kinda limited than before cos i just dunno what to say to them.. looking at them - preparing for work and tuitions, i feel kinda useless..

15 Oct 09 - Friends who stand in the gap

last evening i managed to make a trip to amk hub alone.. that was quite a acomplishment for me. i met up with joanne, whom i think she's a very dear friend cum ex-colleague.. when work is concerned, both of us work closely as a team.. people say it's easier to be friend than work in a team, but for me and joanne, our team works fine and well.. and she's always there for me when depression strikes.. like i said, she is a very dear friend to have..

talking to her, knowing how depressed she is at work.. make me feel i'm not alone (besides the part she still has her monthly income).. in fact, i thank God for sending friends during this period, friends who seldom contact .. david, vincent, KK, dennis, keith, eirene, joanne, gwen, valerie and also mr anonymous.. i know they are concerned for me, i may even be in their prayers.. though i'm faithless, they are faithful, standing in the gap for me.. i really thank God for these friends in my life..

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read this article about 'Depression Really is a Medical Condition' which i felt it's TOTALLY GREAT esp "If you are a family member or care giver or friend of someone who has depression, don’t tell them to cheer up. All you will really be doing is making it worse, because, honestly, the depressed person wants to cheer up."

and guess what, i'm suffering from High Cyclothymia disorder now, out of the 6 different disorders~ and some tests disclose that i'm suffering under moderately severe depression..whatever that means..but it kinda give me an idea where am i standing.. one thing i have to comment - the western culture is more open to this illness than asians.. help is all around in USA and UK, but less in Asia..

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/61324/depression_really_is_a_medical_condition.html?singlepage=true&cat=5
http://www.depressedtest.com/cyclothymia.html

14 Oct 09 - how long

woke up in cold sweat and pain in chest again.. wonder when will i be normal again.. i tried not to think about unemployment, but it's not really helping.. God, when will this end? will i be able to work as normal again? what shall i do? times like this i kinda hope i'm dying of some kind of disease or somthing.. at least i dont have to feel painful for being alive.. how long did i take the last time? 2mths? ya, i took 2 mths... but can i afford the 2 mths now? i know thinking abt these wont help me, but i cant help thinking..

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what do u do when u r alone at home? after feeding my dogs, i really dont know what else can i do.. eat, watch tv, sleep.. these are my daily activities now.. usually i'll always find something to occupy myself, eg cooking or reading.. but this time i'd rather sleep all day and not dream abt anything! if this is the life of housewife, i dun mind being housewife now - at least no unemployment stress.. then again, who will want someone so sickly to be his wife?

do u think i can put this unemployment thingy behind me, at least for today? i tried to remind myself that God is my best career consultant.. so when there's no interview arrangement, it's just not the time yet; He knows when it's time for me to work.. be it HR or admin, i should let go and let Him have the control.. trust me, it's not as easy as i type..

12 Oct 09 - disapproval and a wake

today is really not my day.. usually i'll be calmer and normal in the afternoons, but my chest is still so tight even at 3.30pm~ yes, i took my morning medication, daily multivitamins and even the cod-oil syrup.. but i'm still listless and breatheless as this morning.

i'm supposed to meet my friend for lunch - another initiative of mine to help myself get out of the house.. but it started to rain and .. it seems it's 'better' for me to stay at home.. took a nap (now i've to worry what if i cant sleep tonight).. getting worried abt my future job.. the stress of unemployment is really getting to me, esp i'm the only one who is not contributing now, not even doing housechores.. trust me, as much as my parents understand, accept and comfort me in this condition, but i cant help feeling the 'disapproval' from my 2 sisters who think depression is only a 'mind' thing.. wonder why i'm so useless..

to be frank, thought of dying crossed my mind again n again today.. even though i was chatting on msn with couple of friends, but the thought of 'useless' and 'dying' is constantly floating at the back of my head (that's another reason why i think staying at home is safe for me).. i really want this depression to leave, but i really dont know how.. and i wonder how will i die... i know being anxious now does not help, but it's part and parcel of my condition.. wonder when will this end..

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received a sudden news - my buddy's dad passed on.. it's all really very sudden.. and very soon. i remember i attended his late mum's wake only last yr? also during my depression perod.. cos i had to drag myself out for the great friend... and now.. gosh, i know i've to drag myself out, to leave house.. but this reason is really too affecting.. and the whole family is going for the wake later~ (i better control myself, lest my parents will worry)

had a good chat with eirene too. kinda weird to have her chatting over the book of Job (last week's sermon which i missed cos i cant step out)..honestly, i kinda lost the spirit of Job now.. totally don't know how to hear from God now..

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back from the wake.. cant help feeling life is indeed so fragile - anything can happen.. cant help feeling i need to treasure more of my time with my parents.. though they are around me now, they may not be around ..

11 Oct 09 - chewing and research

firstly, i have to say i'm surprised to receive comment on my blog (besides my dear brother, david, who is forced to read, i dont think anyone else will be interested)..

well, one thing good abt having depression - i'm more expressive in my words now, after a long break. i tell you, watching tv programmes all day is no laughing matter.. it's so tiring, yet I CANT SLEEP! seriously, with all the medication and stress upon me, i really dont understand why cant i sleep all day this time.. i mean, time will pass much easier and faster in sleep.. what else can i do at home? i simply laze around like my 2 dogs at home..

someone told me to 'get in touch' with my emotions (stress).. so i kinda reflected.. what the hell happened this time? no BGR this time, just work.. revamping HR policies & processes is my forte.. but.. perhaps i'm just too sick and tired of revamping (seriously, why orgainisations nowadays like to revamp policies and processes?).. if u talk abt work culture, ok, perhaps moving into local firm is not a wise move but i sure learnt my lesson.. oh, how abt putting additional work expectations on myself.. ya, i guess so, perhaps that's why switching paths is good for me cos i'll be in totally different field with no idea how much i can contribute.. but that's just speculating and what really happened.. i'm still chewing to get some juice out of it..

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after wasting time on the "Sorrogate" movie online, i decided to use my remnant sanity to research on depression. well, the last time i was busy fighting this beast 24-7 that i didn't really do any research, so i guess i might as well now..

guess what.. i'm not the only workaholic who are under depression..
Most people who have gone through one episode of depression will, sooner or later, have another one. You may begin to feel some of the symptoms of depression several weeks before you develop a full-blown episode of depression. in fact, due to lack of sleep, workaholics are prone to depression~it’s a flaw of being a type-A, driven, workaholic personality. (hey, that's me~) Stress can be invisible and subconscious, from guilt about a variety of things, personal and professional and it can induce productivity-grinding panic and anxiety attacks. (tell me abt it-i'm already guilty stress for not working~) When it comes to diet, grains, nuts, and fruit helps to fight depression (no wonder i've been craving for nuts past weeks)..And not to forget daily intake of vitamins and water! (ok, i will take my vitamins n water.. no more coffee or tea for me~)

ok ok, to sum it up, i've to take more vit E stuff, more omega-3 and more folic acid (vit B9) stuff in order to increase my serotonin level.. ok, bananas here i come!

http://www.depression.com/
http://www.foodforthebrain.org/content.asp?id_Content=1644

10 Oct 09 - relapse needs me to step down

ok, i'm having a relaspe.. what the heck.. i suffers from panic attack in mornings, calmer in afternoons, and yet restless in nights.. never know when will this timebomb explodes.. but when it does, fear grips me so tight that i can nothing but crying and sleep, hoping sleeping will ease the pain within.. yes, many people will say it's 'matter of mind' but unless u r physically and mentally in this battle, u can never say it's a mind issue afterall.. cos even now, when i'm calm and doing nothing, my heart rate is so fast that i'm taking in twice the air at inhale. mind over body? think again.. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

just as i'm learning to take a step back from my career, to step down from my career plan.. i'm also learning to acknowldge this timebomb in me. besides financial adjustments, i'm also learning on how to cope with my expectations, people's expectations, and perhaps soon, my boss' expectations.. honestly, i know my resume is a bit over-qualified but for job i'm looking at now.. God really has to make a way.. even teaching as career now is a challenge cos i know the stress in teaching is amounting..

my dear friend-gwen, has her sister in this situation before.. according to her, it took her several job switches and months, before she settled into her current (great!) job.. i wonder will it happen to me? my leader told me though i'm good in HR, but perhaps it's not the beneficial job for me.. honestly, i dont know how long it'll take for me to settle into my job, i'm already trying not to think abt the stress of unemployment..

ok, what have i been doing these 2 days.. alone at home (my family is all out on a Bangkok trip).. well, i thank God that i'm still living, though thoughts of dying did cross my mind.. i did a 'counselling chat' with my god-dad (trust me, he and i have this chemistry which we cant explain).. he called cos he was feeling down over loss of his beloved dog.. i know the pain so i comforted him and i'm glad he's ok now (well, at least i did something worthwhile even though i'm in this pit myself).. then, for the rest of the past 48hrs, my eyes were on the tv programmes for a very simple reason - to tire myself out. no mood to read, no mood to pray, no mood to do anything, including eating.. even hugging my hugo i've no energy.. if u ask me, i'm a real bummer for the past 48hrs.

did i thought of going out? yes, of course i did.. i know i cant stay at home like this all day.. it'll scare the wits out of my family. but for now, i just dont want to push myself to do anything.. let me stay and rot at home. when they are back, i pray this depression will loosen its grip on me.. i'll be normal and breathe properly (seriously, with this kind of stress acting on my heart, i wonder how long can i live anyway?)..