30 Nov 09 - mutantX

i cannt believe i'm turning into a movie/soap freak~ i'm actually surfing for mutantX to find out why adam kane and emma delaurd are not in season3! cant believe i found it!
http://tv.blinkx.com/show/mutant-x/myYfGIC8b4yKrPGaF7JOrrUd5PI#s3e1

i really got to find more of these stuff to kill these office hours.. not that i've nothing to do, but i used to be so busy and so lack of time, now i'm facing such emptiness of time.. lotsa time with minimum tasks. ok, i'm complaining over my relax job, but trust me.. pretending to be busy is not easy.

28 Nov 09 - disappointed with people

can i tell u that i'm very upset.. over 2 persons?

1) i had a dinner date with a guy i met online.. yes, i'm that bored to agree to his date but trust me, he's so OUT! first, he's late; second, he didn't even offered to pay for the meal (we shared some dishes); and lastly, he's a total BORE!

i'm sorry, but if i had to initiate conversation, which my 'aggressive' attitude usually compels me to kill the silence, then you are out of the list~ and i'm not a person of giving chance for second date. and even as we chat, if the topic is not 'in-tuned', then please.. i'd prefer to eat alone or stay at home with my hugo.

i'm not 'high expectations'.. but being a 'buddy' girl who thinks and behaves boyish, if u still cant be the man as u are called to be, then trust me, i can be more manly than u.. what should i need a date then? silence and telepathy with my hugo is more comfortable than being with such 'weak' man. next better date, please~

2) i'm kinda grounded from going out in cold (cool) weather, esp at night, bcos of my sensitive lungs. didn't i tell u i've been coughing mad these days and cos of my bad cough i've been keeping away from service?

yes, i know church service is important.. but at the rate that someone doesn't trust me on my health, really discourages me from pushing myself to attend anyway.. i told u it's natural for anyone to doubt me cos i'm so healthy in the day, but why should i curse myself if i'm all so well?

anyway, i went to the doc for the 2nd time on my cough.. she said my lungs is really weak, esp in the extreme weather these days. i have to be careful and really keep as warm as possible and as cool as possible, so not to trigger the sensitive lungs. of course, being so sensitive to flu and colds, i'm in high risk of H1N1. i just have to be extra careful in this crazy weather.

trust me, people, when u see me healthy and well in the day, do not be deceived by my looks. when i'm suffering with bad hard coughs and running sensitive nose at night, i am often near my death-bed literally. the fight i've to put on to survive every night, esp in this Oct-Jan season.. i can just die if i dun fight at night.

yes, i know it'll be very hard for u to believe, but seriously why should i lie? why should i keep myself at home when i need to step out for a walk or to relax? dont i want to live and go out like normal people? when everyone is enjoying the cool breeze in this tropical island, cant you be more understanding to people like me whose death trigger is this coolness? u may not experience what i do, but try to believe there're weakness in everyone even though they are 'perfectly' ok.

27 Nov 09 - all thanks to this weather

what's the matter with the weather these days? when taiwan is having cooling temperature of 23C, i'm melting under a high scotching hot heat of 33C! worse still, where's my spring wind?? i cant even feel a breeze under this blazing sun! weather station expects storm in the afternoon, but where is it?! please come quench this drying land~~ i seldom have chapped lips, but now i've to apply lip balm every hr! hot hot hot~~

as much as it's logical to get in aircon environment now, but it's too hot for me to get out of my house! trust me, though i'm a sunny girl but i've never experience such crazy weather before - so hot too hot!! rain rain come, spring wind where are you?

and oh, did i tell you i'm suffering mad becos of this weather? i cant sleep cos of the warm night; then i'll coughing my lungs out (with tears and cant even breathe!) in this dryness; but i'll have such bad cold and flu at 4am cos of the coldness of dawn that i've to get up and grab my winter jacket, then battle with running nose till 6am.. and when i get up in the morning to this crazy sun, my body is totally normal that no one will believe i was fighting such a strong battle last night! (i know i'm getting on someone's nerves when i complain i'm so sick yet so normal in the day, it's just too hard to believe).. trust me, i am still very sick and weak at night! stupid weather!

ok enough of my useless complaints.. i'm still thinking about my spiritual walk. (and i chose the wrong person to confide this morning, he made me feel worse.)

anyway, i've to reconcile my walk myself.. the Bible says if you seek Him, He will surely let you find Him. even though i'm totally faithless, He is totally faithful in His Perfect love for me. i miss the 'heartache' i experienced in a cab, on the journey to B's house one day. the very heartache that caused me to weep in the cab, because of His great love for me despite of my backsliding and denial of His Holiness. (dont ask me why, I always have divine visions and experiences in cabs) that is the hurt yet love of 'giving you free will yet seeing you hurting yourself'... trust me, that is heartache in love

so what can i do to help myself now?
1) start praying - be it 5mins or 3mins, let the prayer engine warms up
2) start reading the Bible - a few more small books before completing the whole Bible
3) start attending service - after missing 2 services, it's about time to get connected corporately

26 Nov 09 - 心态会比较

i just had a late night 'chat' with my boss who told me to rest early (apparently he doesn't know i've been sleepless past nights).. anyway, i mentioned about church meeting (cos i just came back from it and working on my daily work report now).. his reply is ‘你信仰宗教'and‘心态会比较'.. of course, my response is about me enjoying what i do which is more important, not comparison. it really makes me ponder what does he mean by having a comparative attitude? did i interpreted it wrongly or i'm just over-sensitive? i really hope i interpreted his words correctly and with a corrent reply..

i really not the 'comparing' type of Christian.. perhaps in the past, yes, but now having been through 2008, i really it's all in God's timing and plan. very often, human fails to see our similiarities and focus on our differences, hence making such a divisional judgement. i also believe the way to share Gospel is not comparing faiths, not theological debate, but living your life as testimony.

of course, i'm pretty sure every Christian will agree with me - being a good living testimony for God. but to be frank, it's a forever-daunting-task for every human being. i'm sure you'll agree to 'we are not perfect' statement when you are in that 'we' but how forgiving can you be to the others?

Christians, including myself, experience ups and downs of life, hipes and pits in various cycles. trust me, it is very tiring trying to live out a good testimony but it's a goal we all strive at. for example, i was able to inspire some with my 'Bible knowledge' yet i can confess i also have my faithless and giving-up moments with the Word. i know i've been hogging some of you in your prayer discipline yet i also confess i've my prayerless months which my spirit is so dried up.. does that disappoint you? making you think i'm a fake or comparative judgemental?.. cos i'm also a human like you - imperfect.

24 Nov 09 - sleepless with God

cant sleep.. dunno if it's my hot milo or if it's my irrating throat which coughed so badly just now.. i could almost coughed out my lungs with the strength i was coughing.. i practically coughed with sweat and tears! i'm wet all over after 10mins of severe bad coughs and chokes, as if i'm in summer!

anyway.. i really cant sleep.. wonder if my bio-clock being disfunctional or i'm afraid to sleep.. or it's time for me to start praying and read my Bible, which has been laying on my bedside cupboard for a long time.. since my depression.

not that i've given up on God, but i really cant keep my faith up. there were times i felt so close to God, and others i'm ten-thousands-billion miles away from Heaven.. and this is one of those latter times. imagine me simply lazing on my bed, waiting for a sign from Heaven to fall without even lifting my hands to God~ yes, that's J now. totally 'keep doing what is right' despite the faithlessness within.

but somehow, from last week's cg message, i felt He is trying to cheer me on with the title 'dont give up'.. in the past i'd regard that as timely revelation, but now in my faithless and 'lifeless' spirit, i just know He will work something out.. and here i go-lazing and waiting for something to happen.. *gosh, i know this is not a good testimony but hey, i'm not perfect.. i also experience ups and downs of life* and i really need to sleep but my eyes are still so wide awake!!

24 Nov 09 - teary dreams

this is the 2nd time i'm crying in my sleep... real tears flowing down my cheeks with my eyes closed.. for the same person.. when i woke up, my hands covered my right chest as if to protect my aching heart.. trust me, it hurts much even in dream..but this time he didn't have accident.. just some hurtful things which i cant remember now..

the remant dream i remember now is the fleshy (real flesh!) exposed animals walking around me.. trust me, i was weeping like mad, calling every one present 'selfish'.. cos they were having a feast and having these poor skinned animals parading around!! it hurts, it really hurts..

i wonder if it's cos i've been eating meat, out of my special diet, cos of my poor health these days.. trust me, if you ever dreamt the dream i had, u will think twice or even more for eating meat again! those poor animals, skinned for their flesh and had to parade around.. it just breaks my heart~ok, ok.. i'll back to my fast now, since i'm also better in health.. i really cant bear those poor animals..

all in all, i didn't have a good night's sleep again.. *yawn*

23 Nov 09 - piggy J

i'm so turning into pig~ even though i wake up at 830am to log on msn, but i slept till 12 noon today! i also realised i've been yawning every other moment i'm out of house! seriously, i'm becoming a 101% 宅女 who cant even go out for work!

oh my goodness, i'm so dead.. i cant sleep at night.. when i sleep, i have strange long dreams.. and i can hardly wake for morning jog! how?! someone, help me! i need to get up at 730am for work, after office is renovated~! how how!! i cant be yawning for 8hrs in the office!!

yes, i'm having good life now - having only to work 4hrs (or less) literally and escape the other 4hrs in own time own target (as long as i dont get caught).. can you believe i actually worked 1hrs today, after waking up at noon? and spending the rest of afternoon in orchard, practically roaming around, cos there's less crowd on rainy day. envy? pls dont! i'm totally bored and yawning all the way from raffles place to orchard and orchard back home..

yes, i'm a pig..

22 Nov 09 - coughs with dreams

nov 21 is the first morning which 'spring wind' blew onto my face.. seriously, i really like this wind which only can be felt in this season.. trust me, the wind is very different in other seasons..

this spring wind is cool, strong and yet welcoming even to a cold-fear person.. it's just so nice to know spring is approaching.. even though i've been sick and nearly 'died' from real bad coughs due to season change, i really like this cool wind.. sigh, this is just me - when temperature changes for the 'cool', my respiratory system is on super hyper alert with sensitivity. this is the reason why i've not been attending church for 2 weeks - real bad coughs which i have to 'isolate' from the crowds.

anyway, i didn't practice full quarantine.. i attended a BBQ gathering with my ex-colleagues last night. even though the work topics are different now, but i really enjoy their company. (did i tell you one of them is leaving? returning to china to rest before finding another job? what good life! unlike my boss, she's not a spoilt chinese brat).. as usual, i dont think i was chatty in the gathering (that's my nature), i just simply enjoy listening (i'm not advertising for prudential). i could have written so much more thoughts and reflections last night but i was simply too tired when i reached home... so, that's all i can write for now.

p.s: i dreamt abt having a stupid exam, in which i'm so angry with the lecturer who simply cut and project those exam questions from various papers, hence making the whole exam so confusing and frustrating.. and i dreamt about mikii, something abt she's having a better life than my hugo (how could she be? my hugo is living like a king, with me as his 'pet'~)... and i dreamt i've this person who really cared for me, even though i was still half-hearted about accepting him (pls dont ask me who, it's a DREAM~) and this dream was really long cos i only woke up at 1030am~

18 Nov 09 - work from home

who says working from home is good?
i really dislike bring work home, let alone working from home.. i cant eat, watch tv in peace even though i'm spending 90% of my 'office hours' in front of my tv.. even watching my favourite Star Trek is so 'uncalming', and i cant leave my house~!!

yes, i enjoy the waking up an hr later (cos i dont have to travel to work).. but finding myself 'locked' in my own home is not something i'd wake up to.. but hey, u'll hear me complaining again when i have to wake up early to travel to work, and to find myself 'locked' in a 88sq metres office.. well, people are just hard to please.. but i still dislike working from home~

15 Nov 09 - coughing weekend

another weekend at home.. bad bad nasty cough which nearly 'killed' me in early mornings (4-6am) and when the nights turn chilly (8-10pm).. one of the things i really hate is cough - so much energy to cough and it also triggers my asthma. i'm just helpless...

but what warms my heart is the company of my whole family and my sons.. yes, i'm like a big baby who requires my mum to nag at me for my medication, wear warm clothing etc.. but it's a very warm feeling. even my hugo follows me and wants me to hug him all day.. it's a very nice feeling to be at home, even if i'm really going to die at home with this cough..

ok, speak of something cheerful.. i'm working tmr without boss and without things to do.. i merely have to collect company stamp, submit documents to designers - that's all my work tmr. yes, i'm pretty sure some of you may envy me but i dont really like it myself.. i wonder if i'm able to survive these 'relax' days.. not very value-adding to my resume..

u know what, i kinda have escalation in my condition.. everything seems to be screaming at me to use/hold/open them.. so many things to do, waiting for me to do.. totally overwhelming.. while standing in the kitchen, i was overwhlemed by all the things which are screaming at me to do- the food, the cups, the water flask, everything i see is do-able. anyway, i managed to shake it off.. i know it's just me - things dont shout on its own. sigh.. i really need to rest..

13 Nov 09 - taiwanese over PRC

finally! i'm back to my freedom, away from snobbish entertainment!! i really kinda had enough of 'putting a false front'.. thankfully it's over~!! until mid dec when the office should be ready for operation. meanwhile i'm working from home..

seriously i'm really sacrificing a lot for my depression.. my beloved workload, my challenging career, and excellent salary and all for a really lower salary and very simple 'do-nothing' job.. i'm starting to wonder how long can i stand this 'no/low challenge' job.. in meanwhile, i'll try to enjoy the paid-for-doing-nothing job and concentrate on my recovery..

seriously, in comparison i really prefer taiwanese than chinese.. they're world of difference in their attitude. taiwanese are more humane and better in human relations, despite of social class. these rich PRC are simply selfish and self-centred.. sigh.. societal displacement - good hardware poor software in china; bad hardware good software in taiwan. this is why gracious society is only a utopia. people loses respect for one another as they get richer.. this is so not right~ and i just feel taiwanese has a more international perspective, over PRC who is so satisfied with getting rich from internal trading.. such a country-pumpkinview in this international market!

ok, if u r concerned with my fever and flu, i'm going to start my real rest for recovery next week.. just waiting for emails, waiting for documents before i can initiate contractors to start renovation.. i'm just a 'errand girl' in this 'black market'..

12 Nov 09 - prejudice chinese

it's been a while since i came in here.. not that i dun want, but i simply too weak - down with bad flu and fever for past days due to the crazy weather.. not to mention i still continued working, walking around with my boss to meet his clients and his friends in this petroleum trading market. what a lucrative market, but i have to say there's a lot of 'black' money.. at least this is what i'm hearing from the past days.. just pure network and entertaining..

i nearly have the half mind to disassociate myself with this disorganised trade.. do you know my big boss is filthy rich, and so does my boss (who 'sacrificed' his high-paying 5-figure salary in big company to help my big boss out in this small company).. and though corporately we have 5 registered companies under this one holding but there're only less than 10 people in the whole corporate umbrella?! this is way way way smaller than wherever i used to work for!! no proper department, no IT!! i can just die with proper IT support!! and did i mention rich chinese are very prejudiced?! if u want to know what's snob, i can introduce u to my bosses! they are hopelessly snobbish rich chinese who totally forgotten they were once poor! ya china economy is growing but so what? the human software are snobbish!!

i'm so happy that i'll be left alone in this office, unless they travel to singapore (which i really hope they'll seldom).. totally snobbish brats! and racist too! trust me, their mindset is so 'PRC' - i'm rich so i can undermine those not as rich.. so old-fashion and so biased!! yucks!! trust me, if not for my medical conditions, i'd have resign and find a better and bigger company with good corporate culture who value employees!

9 Nov 09 - surprise at work

being severly lack of sleep (i only slep at 3am after arrival at 130am), i took another prozac just in case of possible freak and dragged myself to meet my beijing boss for signing of employment contract.. *i'm so tempted to call in sick for more sleep hours~*

to my surprise, nothing was prepared... it's all verbal negotiation but at the end of it, we managed to put some terms down as contract.. wow, this is the first time i'm doing my own contract! they dont work overtime and what's more, i get to rest on china's public holidays too! so basically i will have a lot of time resting.. what a good job! i'm so blessed by God!! really thankful and grateful for God's favour!

trust me, i could not wait to get this contract done and get home to sleep.. but my boss told me i'm officially starting work today!! wow, if he knows what's my internal reaction on this news, i'm almost so sure that he'll have permanent bad impression of me.. so, i basically tried to cheer myself up, cover the yawns and dragged myself to meet contractor after contractor with him.. trust me, i was so happy when he finally 'released' me from work, after visiting 2 office furniture shops.. how i wanted to fly home and sleep~

7-8 Nov 09 - recap of weekend in HKG

day 1: woke up reluctantly at 4am only to drag myself out of bed at 4.30am for a 6.30am flight, thru it all, i kinda worried that i might break down due to the 'excitment' and fear of 'facing the world alone'.. forced myself to sleep throughout the flight (if possible, i'll not take budget flight again, it's so boring!)..
went straight to Luk Yu TeaHouse for dim sum lunch upon arrival and met this lovely old jap couple, with my broken japanese and their limited english, we managed to break the ice of sharing same table.. they are just so lovely and his wife also had the same asthmatic inhaler like me~ food is not that fantastic but it was nice experience *first step of overcoming depression alone overseas* and a high tea at Ho Hung Kee for its excellent smooth porridge!
did something which i'd never do - went up The Peak for night skyview on HKG.. it's totally expensive but the really cool breeze is just what i needed to cool myself down from the city heat and walking.. reminded me of Kaoshiung harbour where i really had my peace up at the hillslope, overlooking the brightly lit harbour (i'm supposed to wait for daybreak but..i dun remember if i did); reminded me of YangMingShan over Taipei's night city where i had such fun thrilling ride up the hill in pitch darkness (it's so spooky that i didn't dare to turn my head around or look behind, just in case i see 'something'.. we just keep driving forward in those dark small bushy lanes).. i know i'm in HKG, but being with natural really brings my memory so close to taiwan.. i miss those confident and carefree days..
completed my shopping mission for boots within 5mins in ladies' night market.. i like the 2 pairs so much that i barely bargain on price, as long as they're reasonable affordable to me..

day 2: breakfast at Australia Dairy Co was a great mental challenge - it upset my whole body system esp my emotions that i had to rest at macdonalds to calm down.. yes, the scrambled eggs are excellent but i prefer the macaroni soup.. trust me, if u ever think of going there for breakfast, brace ur heart for a really noisy fast-action atmosphere (definitely wrong place for depressed person).. otherwise be like me, just concentrate on eating and get out fast~
practically walked the whole of Jordan-MongKok area in midst of maddening crowd.. it's so pack with people i just merely followed the crowd instead of shopping around..

on my return flight i reflected seriously on my 'performance'.. not bad cos i didn't break down even though day 1 was quite tough, facing the chaos streets and noisy crowd. it's so hard to find a quiet cafe to rest in hong kong island! but i survived and adapted well on foreign land exploration.. overall, i must say i did myself proud cos i know i'm learning to cope depression alone overseas and start doing what i used to enjoy - individual travel..

will i go back to HKG again? nope! perhaps another 5yrs more~ gwen told me once - people who like taiwan dont like hongkong; and people who like hongkong wont like taiwan.. TRUE - i vouch for it!

6 Nov 09 - death

sorry... a bit late on blogging today, partly cos of 'star-trek' and 'eureka' this morning. anyway, i'm relatively fine, except for some irregular heartbeats.. generally i'm ok, calmer.. my guess is this weekend trip is giving me stress before i actually could 'enjoy'.. if anything happens to me on this trip, this will be my last blog entry~

actually.. come, let me - being under depression, tell you how we think death is not a bad option afterall..
1) no more fighting with depression, which is a daily torture to be on guard against something u cant see..
2) no more being under public stigma, that depression is a 'mental illness' thingy.. (mind u, we are NOT psycho!)
3) no more anxiety attack (mild version of depression), so your heart can rest in peace..
4) no more thinking about the future, which addes uncertainty and possible fear..
5) no need to burden family members who have to take 'extra care' of us..
.. well, there're more if i can keep ruminating.. but i know i'll go crazy if i do

to counteract my dying thoughts, here's why i'm still alive..
1) i was dead twice and alive twice - there has to be a good reason for not allowing me to die
2) my family are very supportive despite the adjustments they have to make
3) my secret weapons are my friends - we may not be on constant contact, but we are always here for one another
4) my precious hugo needs my love and care
5) the feeling of being alive after death is greater than death itself

5 Nov 09 - rumination and blogging

rumination is creepy.. for days i've managed to block this co-partner of depression, but in the background of classical music, lazing on bed, staring at my white ceiling and lime-green walls, it just crept back into my mind.. first i started to think about minor things like 'it's time to wake up','what am i doing today','why i cant sleep last night' before it span off into greater issues 'friendship','work','depression' etc and into greater details.. my heart started to feel the stress.. that's why i identify this menacing foe - rumination. in the end i woke up with such heavy heart, all thanks to this stupid creep.

i'm going to have an official employment this monday.. wonder if i can take it before i lose it.. wonder how is the workload esp i'm working alone in singapore.. wonder if i could work happily with my boss (he was so stern during the interview)..

i'm going to HKG this weekend.. wonder will i be able to walk around alone, enjoying myself or staying in hotel room all day.. wonder if i'm able to enjoy the 'lost' feeling if i get lost.. wonder if i can withstand the cold (below 23C).. wonder will i die there.. should i get travel insurance for a 2D1N trip..

i'm still unable to start my morning exercise and i'm starting work soon.. wonder if starting employment now is good for me.. wonder if i'll ever be disciplined enough to get up for morning jog (i need to expose to dawn to adjust my bioclock).. wonder if i'd ever get out of depression, despite knowing and doing all the changes to lifestyle..

my old friend's issue.. wonder if it's true (i still choose to give him benefit of doubt).. wonder what's in his mind now.. wonder what's he doing.. what's the real situation.. will i be able to trust him as i do now.. will i be able to cope with disappointment if it's true..
....etc etc etc

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time check 1.50pm, abt 4hrs after i've gotten out of bed.. but my heart rate is amazingly irregular fast, that i have to place my hand over to ensure it's not popping out.. took my daily pills and vits but not really working.. watched my favourite sci-fi programmes but it's not calming down..

the rain stopped,it's cool outside.. thinking of going for a walk later (if i can get out).. somehow i know this heart rate has to slow down, i have to stop putting pressure on myself (the power of invisible stress), somehow i know blogging helps me to download this stress (it's starting to work now).. gosh, what if i've started working and i cant blog to download... will i die of overloading myself with this invisible pressure? gosh, where else can i download...

i seem not to be enjoying what i used to enjoy.. classical music makes me ponder and sleepy (i've been oversleeping - another extreme of depression), watching sci-fi provides no reality escape, even walking on the street makes me guilty for roaming around.. it seems like the best place to be is on my bed, in front of my laptop..blogging with my hugo snoring besides me..

4 Nov 09 - friend/ cheat?

finally i managed to have a dreamless night, slept so well despite the shock last night..
6.30am - wakey rang and dismissed; attempted to get up for morn jog
7am - work rang and dismissed; still attempting to get up
8.30am - a call from old friend who franatically trying to explain his rship with his gf..

from the fact that he was anxious to explain himself via sms early morning, and when i'm not responding he called in person instead, i guess i can give him the benefit of doubt.. dun get me wrong - it's not that i'm gullible or naive (perhaps) but i'd rather trust in our friendship, taking the risk that he might have been a bad guy all these while.. well, it's not as if i'm going to marry him, but for the benefit of himself, as a man, i think he has better to have some integrity if he treasure our friendship. that's minimum requirement of a man, right?

i confess it did hurt me when i received the news last night, out of sudden.. but i'm hurt cos i felt 'cheated' all these yrs of friendship.. is this the friend i've known and cared for all these years? it can be very hurtful to a friendship..

anyway, i just replied him that i'll trust on on our friendship, but i also hope he'll settle whatever issue he has with the lady who 'claimed' to be his gf.. though she's not threatening me (not yet?), but as a man, i expect him to be clear and clean with such issue.. if he cant, i just have to say i'm really disappointed in him..

"好朋友"

just read a FB message.. which i'm totally shocked yet i have to be happy for him..
but still, i just dun understand why my good male friends cant tell me directly, and i often have to get this kind of news through their gfs? am i that 'scary' that they cant share their joy of new relationship with me. their so-called '好朋友'

honestly, this is not the first time that i receive such news from his girlfriends.. in fact, this time is much friendly, compared to the previous 2.. but still, i just dont understand why guys can say somethng which obviously they dont mean.. where's their so-called 'perserverance for love'? this is the reason why i still cannot trust him completely.. it's just too horrible to trust and disappoint again..

anyway, to my dear old friend if you are reading this -
honestly, i'm happy for u cos u have found someone who cares for you.. but i'd prefer to be informed by you, rather than your girlfriends.. it's not a good feeling when someone you do not know suddenly message you to inform you of such news. sometimes, in fact very often, i just dont know what are you thinking in your mind.. hopefully one of these days you can finally be true and be yourself in front of me.
老實說,老朋友,我真的為你交到好女友而高興..但我畢竟還是希望從你得知,而不是你的女朋友.. 突然間又有陌生女生說是你的女朋友,當'好朋友'的我卻甚麼也不知道,這滋味真的是不知所措地不好受. 雖然認識你已有十幾年,但還是真的越來越不了解你到底在想甚麼.. 只能希望有一天你能老老實實,真真確確地向我露出真你.

3 Nov 09 - mild attack n match-make

not a gd morning for i'm having this emotional tension n physical panting since the moment i woke up.. and of course, i lazed on my bed for 2hrs before i really get up.. hey, dun envious - i was fighting a bad cold from 3am-5.30am, hence i'm super tired when i woke at 9am..was dragged to lunch with my father, despite the hard pounding of heart and weak body.. trust me, even i was surprised to see how frail and pale i am this morning.. even now at 1pm,my lips are still whitish pale..

anyway, in this state today, i cancelled an interview but trying to rest well for a fun profiling later, before meeting gwen for dinner. fun profiling = a nice way of match-making.. yes, i'm allowing myself to go thru this nonsense later.. but for sure, i'm not going to join their membership till i'm emotionally stable.. just an excuse to drag myself out of house later..

ok, let's see what's wrong.. last night i cant sleep, having another mild nervous attack.. i thought of my HKG trip this weekend - what's to bring etc (esp i'm travelling VERY LIGHT); thought of someone (in the end i decided to sms him); thought of my employment which i've not seen the contract; thought of my finances.. all in all, it's able to trigger a mild nervous attack.. i simply cant sleep no matter how tired and watery my eyes were.. even when my sleep pacer - hugo is snoring loud besides me, i just cant sleep.. then the next thing i know is i'm fighting a serious bad cold at 3am.. sigh..

what shall i do? one moment i seem to be in control, another day i'm having this mild attack (which could be worse if not for my suppression).. i'm like a stretching rubberband, just dunno when i'd be snapped off.. just trying to hold onto as much sanity as i can now..

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before i rattle off abt myself, i really want to tell you how my father loves me~! i told u that he sacrificed his hard-earn money for my bills, and today after knowing i'm going HKG trip over this weekend, he pushed another few hundreds to me again, insisting that 'you're not working how to have money to eat dim sum'.. yes, behind the ugly truth that i'm near broke, but it's the love from his little egoistic acts that touches my heart.. really, he may not the most approachable or sociable father but his love is beyond his willingness to sacrifice.. i thank God for putting me in his fatherly care, into this family!

ok now, back to myself.. when i came back, my mum was eager to know what's the outcome of the fun profiling (ie match-making).. to be honest, i went with a pure reason to drag myself out, even knowing it'll be very futile.. and true enough, even the consultant was teasing and suggesting why didn't i consider taiwanese guys since i used to work in taiwan (of course i didn't disclose further details) and my reply was to enlarge my circle of friends here in singapore.. gosh, why is everyone telling me to consider taiwanese guys? didn't they know it's very hard to maintain long-distance relationship? ..anyway, in the end, the consultant could match me to no one as my preference is really very focused :P

anyway, i'm also learning to let loose of time.. i used to grip on time management; plan my work and life with such precision and schedule.. and now i've decided to take a week at a time (see, i'm improving from a day at a time).. dun ask me anything further than this week - i dun wan to have another anxiety attack. a week at a time, each day to enjoy. this will be my motto from now on, till i'm able to cope with more challenges.. meanwhile,J,take ur time to recover from depression :)

2 Nov 09 - loved

i had another dream.. this time i didnt want to wake up (in a way)..
i was with someone who really cares for me (bro,ur prayer for someone who loves me more than i love him came true in this dream).. i was really well-taken care of, even though he had to leave for work.. somehow being with him, i was happy and i know i can trust him completely.. *clue:i know this guy in real life but i cant trust him completely yet*
next scene - i was on my bed, lazing to get up as usual.. when i finally up, i saw my little siblings (about 8 of them) all watching tv when they should be in school.. i started teasing and asking them for their reason of truant.. it was fun being around with kids who hugs and snuggle to u (it's so contrasting to real life where i'm rather 'scare' of little children who'll cry for no reason)..

strange, i know.. but it's a total feeling from the previous dream.. i cant say i love them but i certianly felt loved.. well, if u r believer of 'dreams reveal secrets', i must say these nights i've revealed quite a lot of my darkest secrets, kinda scary too... wonder if this is a recovery process or just me?

1 Nov 09 - bad bad dream and father's love

i was in a comfortable setting with B.. before i braced up my encourage to ask 'how're u and her?'.. his reply was as calm as he was when he last came to my house to apologise to my parents.. such expression with no feeling.. he even told me he's proposed to her and i pressed in further, knowing it wont get me anywhere, 'how abt with me?'.. he explained he felt suppressed, inferior when he's with me.. i jumped 'how's so?'.. 'maybe bcos i'm comparing with the others where they are so cared for'.. the pain stabbed my heart, i began to cry (in my dream).. 'have i not been caring for u? i didnt ask u for more and give u all the freedom to be yourself'..'i know but it works both ways'..'ya, BOTH WAYS and how abt u?'.. he's speechless.. in my raging tears, even though knowing he's already engaged, i just wanted to hear from him.. 'is this ur way of loving me for hurting me this much?'.. silence and he turned away.. i was so enraged that things appeared and i grabbed and threw at him.. trust me, it hurts me everytime the items hit him so i stopped.. decided to end it, i whispered the words in his face and i woke up..

what a bad dream! not nightmare, just bad bad dream!! i was on the verge of slipping into depression with the pain prolonged from the dream, so much so that i quickly popped my prozac in. why.. why am i having this dream..it's like someone is opening up sealed chest of memories with B.. some people say dreams reveal the deepest secret, does it mean i've not 'closed the case'? and by having this dream and closing it like that, does it mean i'm closing it? gosh, the pain of 'revisiting' is still in my heart (i'm trying to ease it within) omg, this is really a bad bad bad dream! and i really hope i've closed the case now and no more revisit~!

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i really thank God for my father~ esp thru this depression, he is the most understanding and supportive for my rest.. when he knows i'm stressed for money, for new work, he could even suggested sponsoring my driving lessons so i can apply to be taxi-driver!! imagine me as a cab driver!!! his intention was really good - cos cab driver works on his own time, hence less stress than management corporate level.. well, i know he really meant well and i really thanked him for his suggestion, but i'm just not a car-driving person..

anyway that's how thoughtful he is, not to mention he'll always make it a point to deliver or bring me out for lunch every weekdays.. as much as i really have no appetite and didn't want to get out of house, i just had to cos his patience and love behind these naggings that i should eat~ and did i mentioned he's concerned on my monthly bills payments that he shoved few hundreds to me so i can pay off the bills.. i mean, few hundreds! ok, for those of u working, few hundreds is small amount but for a cab driver, even one hundred bucks is huge cos it'll require one whole day of hard work to pay cab rental ($100 per day)+high cost of fuel(imagine the high consumption for all the distance)+carpark charges+daily meals+possible 'income' to survive! let alone my dad's memory is really so bad now so he cant really drive far, not even to town - those buildings and directions confuse him.. all in all, it's really hard for him now to earn enough to pay for his daily rental and fuel charges, let alone having balance to pay for my bills..

i really thank God for my father. he may not be the easiest-to-please or even 'friendly' father, but he's always there for me, always dependable (package inclusive of his naggings n ego).. in his subtle ways of love, he dotes on me more than my sisters.. trust me, i could never have been so close to him or even been patient to listen him if not for my depression periods.. thru this depressing periods, it is his gentle love which surpasses the love from other family members.. i guess this is what people describe as 'still water runs deep'..it's not the normal times he shines, but in extraordinary situations~ i love you, father, though i still dun have the courage to say that in person.


Matt 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!