24 Jun 10 - 3 signs?

sign 1: i dreamt of rushing for a flight to a cold country, in 30mins! my first response was 'i need winter wear!' *may i remind u that i'm totally intolerant of low temperature* i actually had the thought of buying everything at destination, but in the end, being rationale (in my dream too), i decided to rush home to get my jacket cos i'll be freezing in the flight~ despite all the rushing and stress in the dream, i missed my flight!! i woke up with a shout (seriously!) and my heartbeat was still racing and tired after all those stress and hassle!

sign 2: darling asked me a weird qn today. by that qn, i kinda have a better idea on his preference of relocation..

sign 3: for no apparent reason, my colleagues came to my desk and started asking me about my rship - how we met, and what's our plan etc.. i dont know why but i shared darling's qn with them.*normally, j doesnt like to talk about personal stuff at work, esp her LDR* they ended up rather concerned for me, even helping me to analyse possible situations..

what's the qn? i believe u must have guessed it by now, judging from the 3 signs...
to be frank, this qn came to me several times a week, esp when darling is in US now. and my response? honest response?? well, i simply pushed it aside - is it not too early to think that far now? (my colleagues beg to differ)

ok, since u really want me to face it, ..
1) i can get myself prepared for relocation, but how about my hugo? i wont be able to leave him here with my family, though they will take care of him.. i simply cant live anywhere without hugo. (fyi, hugo is only 6yrs old, he still has at least 9yrs to live under my love and care) i know human are very mobile these days, but hugo is not~
2) my work skills are very country-specific, how can i support myself beyond this island?? what can i work as? waitress?? housewife???
3) moving around can be a challenge cos i m very afraid of driving! yes, u read it right - i have phobia of the driver's seat. i dont think i'd ever want to drive or learn to drive again.. this will be a living problem, other than Singapore. *i m just so pampered by all the taxis, buses and even mrt easily available, even without 'chauffeur' now*
4) being typical singaporean, i know i'm spoilt with good food choices - east to west, north to south whichever the cuisine, you surely can find it here.  in fact many of my relocated friends are screaming in fb for singapore's galore of food. reading how much they miss local food, i know i'll double that desire if i'm in their shoes. i'll miss inexpensive indian breakfast, economical chinese lunch, affordable malay supper and wide choices from french to japanese, turkish to swedish, *did i tell you how much i miss curry fishhead that i practically had whole month of curry fishhead after staying 1mth in taiwan?*

i admit i'm really a spoilt singaporean, be it living standards, communication, transportation and food. yes, cost of living might be higher than others in the region. but hey, our income tax is the one of the simplest and lowest in the world. ok, i know relocation is a reality i have to face in future to come but...settle it with my hugo first..is my hugo part of your relocation plan?? no matter how much i pack my luggage full of spices and curry or how i can try to adapt, if my hugo is not going i am not going anywhere.

To you,he's a pet; To him, you're his whole world

Having a pet is a life-time commitment.

23 Jun 10 - day of surprise

today we wanted to take a 'department' break from work, and have a coffee chat downstairs, esp we have been really working long hours for past months.. wanted to reward ourselves, in the end we really couldn't spare this time. :( nevertheless, one of my colleagues took the initiative to packet little gifts for each of us - tiramisu!! when i saw the delicate slice in front of me, i was thrilled for 2 reasons. (1) i really like tiramisu cake; (2) tiramisu reminds me of you. i really miss you, darling.. i cant even bear to eat that slice, cos it reminds me of our good days in taiwan (fyi, my darling made a LARGE tiramisu cake for me in taiwan).. savouring each bite, i closed my eyes and reminisced those times we had, smiling to myself at my desk.. wondering if there's be such wonderful time again.. i really miss you~ 

keeping to my promise, i reached home earlier than usual - 8pm. when i thought i could just waste the time away, before giving you morning call, i saw an overseas mail on my table. overseas mail? a handwritten letter somemore~ (i simply LOVE receiving handwritten letter!) my first speculation was to wonder if this from US, but at closer look i nearly had a shock~ it's  from taiwan!! it's been a long time since any of my taiwanese friends wrote letter to me, i really wonder who's the sender.. at even closer inspection, it's from a friend of old friend!! and i have only met this friend-friend ONCE a DECADE ago!! i was totally surprised and excited..


it so happened this acquaintance has moved to taipei for work.. being lonely in big city, he chanced upon an old photo of me which brought him memories *dont ask me how he has gotten my photo*.. hence he decided to take a gamble of mailing to my 'last known address' *yes, i've been living under the same roof for past 2 decades* if you ask me, i kinda admire his courage in this letter.. and that is as much contents as i can reveal.^_^  no matter what, i'm really very amazed how things turn out for him and i'm happy to befriend another 'new' friend. most important, i'm really very happy to receive a handwritten letter ^o^ ohh, i really LOVE receiving letters with personalised effort!

erm.. speaking of which, am i supposed to return a handwritten letter? my handwriting has deteriorated so much after years of typing (side-effect of technology), let alone writing chinese characters! gosh @_@ talk about personalised EFFORT~~~

22 Jun 10 - the last thing i want to be is 'language burden'

"i love you" has become a sentence i'd often hear.. not that i dislike the notion of proclaiming, but to a certain extent, i'm beginning to doubt its sincerity and solemness of it. then again, perhaps it's my current raging hormones that i'm rather over-sensitive when i'm actually feeling of losing him.. i know he still loves me a lot, i still choose to believe in his words....

perhaps it's just me who cant feel the fuzziness of 'love'. i'm sure every couple goes through this - at one time or another, u just dont feel as loved as u thought so. maybe because we're (i'm) too tired (sick), hence letting thoughts go wild (too wild?). in any case, i really hope to know what's in his mind, his heart every day..yes, this is unlike the usual j who would rather wait with 'heck-care' attitude to be informed but this time, i really really hope to know his thoughts each day, 'fresh' from the horse's mouth. i really want to know everything about him.. *sounds like a possessive gf?*

yet, i am also aware of the danger of becoming nuisance and overpowering in rship. the last thing i want to be is 'language burden'. being in my condition, sometimes little actions or words might spark off negative thoughts, an active contributor to depression. i know he's been very tactful and considerate for my feelings, my thoughts. so very often that he might even filter his thoughts and views before expressing. i must admit, i m really appreciative of his love efforts to do so, however it also makes me feel i'm adding onto his burden. how can i be his pillar, if i m becoming a communication burden?

i know he reads my blog, my venting space of all my feelings (mostly negative).. after reading he would want to 'protect' me from my negative thoughts, but i hope he would understand the law of covers- the thicker the protection layers, the further the core.. what is the core of our rship? our honest love.. if in the name of protection we find ourselves distanced from that love, what's the point of protection? in fact, last night, i dreamt of the days when we were so frank to each other as normal friends, how i could sense his presence in his absence (silly as it may sounds, but it's true)... when morning came, i really didn't want to wake up.

darling, if you are reading now, pls read my blog with a pinch (LARGE pinch) of salt.. since young, my journals have been my venting space to pen down all thoughts, esp negativity. i know you will be concerned after reading, but please remember my rule of thumb - once vented out, the thoughts stay in this blog and i'll be fine. so, please dont be too concerned for me. just be yourself, be frank and open to me, ok? just like how we were as friends.. dont delay your first instinctive response, otherwise i'd have to block you from my blog~ that's a threat, but i mean it.

20 Jun 10 - how do i know i've really loved a man?

when his every word means the world to me *of course, God is still the World*
when his silly actions never fail to tickle a smile from my tears
when his smile is all it takes to make my day bright
when his quarrelling words hurts like knife piercing through my heart
when every minute of his absence intensifies my longing to be with him again
when every night escalates my yearning for his hugs and goodnight kisses
when receiving his morning call is like blowing kisses to my ears
when my long hours work motivation is a domino effect of his absence
when my future starts to visualise even though i might be still in doubt
when my long-accrual sleep has taken second place just to see him on vchat
when i really cant bear to hang up his call, no matter how busy i am
when i close my eyes his face and laughter fill my mind, bring smile to my face
when i'm able to sleep in peace because of his love
when i look forward to share his day, to know him deeper inside each day
when i wish him wings to fly higher and achieve greater in his destiny
when i can forget any painful exchange because of his healing promise
when i know my trust in him is fully secured, never taken granted
when i know all my painful wait is worthwhile
when i really missing him badly now..
I LOVE YOU, DARLING

I Finally Found Someone

18 Jun 10 - rigid locals n... am i woman?

how glad i am to be working under foreign bosses! ok, other than some 'short stay' with some local companies, all my work experiences work with foreigners..fyi, there is a reason why those are SHORT stay, read on..

the trigger point was in my class today.. even though the participants are from big corporations (some are even global companies), they are all local HR practitioners, be it HR VP, HR Consultant etc.. when the topic of contractual terms and disciplinary actions arises, all of them are so into the idea of tardiness even when the speaker was 'defending' that most employees work long hours in office, beyond contractual hours, managers should be appreciative to turn a blind eye to slight lateness!! boy, i tell you, these local HR people are SO RIGID n insisted 'but the contract stated 9am means employee has to be in company by 9am'!! at that instant i really felt so blessed to have foreign bosses!!

ok, i confess i'm not a very punctual person even though i'm in HR.. i really hate the idea of unappreciative bosses who give me the crap that HR should set a good example in clocking in early/on time!!*how about the time i was required to work overtime/attend cross time-zones meetings at night?!* i mean,if my boss is so rigid in such matters, you can be sure that i'll leave ON THE DOT, not a minute longer than my contractual hours! *in the first place, i will resign within 1week!* anyway, seeing how rigid they are, i feel so blessed to have appreciative bosses in all my positions..seriously,it's hard to believe that they are fellow singaporeans whom i thought should be 'westernised' and more open-minded to better people management!

anyway after course, i decided to take a short walk in orchard area, taking into consideration of my limited wkday time nowadays and Great Singapore Sale. from far east plaza to intl building, i strolled past mango sale (my fav~), isetan sale and other sales stores. i did walk into those stores and eye-browsed through the items, miraculously I WAS TOTALLY NUMB AND RATHER DISGUSTED BY SHOPPING! i walked the 3 levels of isetan only to find myself GLANCING across the items; standing in front of mango store with strong hesitation to enter!! even branded bags at DFS grossed me out!

what is happening to me? the word 'sale' has no enticement on me!! am i still a woman? am i too lazy to shop, besides online shopping?? or.. i need to find someone to shop with??? am i normal????

17 Jun 10 - 3rd day 4th night or sleepless night...whatever

2am - my sydney dog was barking so loudly that i just had to get up from my sleep *i wonder why no one in the family cant hear it-they are so sound asleep or too lazy to bother??!!* in midst of my subconsciousness, i gave him a pat at the bedroom door where he's so afraid to step out. when he finally pluck his courage to scramble out, my first thought was 'why is he so afraid?'.. fyi, he is the fearless one, nothing can scare him on normal situation..anyway, still drowsy in sleep, i turned back to my bed..

'something just not right' keeps ringing into my ears.. so i pulled myself up, fully awake this time. to my gruesome realisation, there's a pool of PUKE at the bedroom door~~ SO, that's why he's afraid of! he has not been feeling well and puked out all his stomach contents~!! imagine all the stuff he ate and the water!! ok u get the picture~

in the end, i had to drag myself to clean up the mess which obviously will stink the house by morning. the smell, the tiredness..gosh, i must really give it to myself! keep up the good job,J! though it took me 5mins to clean the mess but i m simply too tired to wash the stained cushion, hence i left it in the washroom.simply too tired..

yet... back on my bed.. I CANNOT SLEEP! oh my goodness!! please, bioclock of J, please let me sleep! i know once i m disturbed from sleep, i wont be able to sleep again.. but i really need to sleep! tmr i have a full day of labour legislation course (boring~/ to attend and i dont want to doze in class!!

at this point, i really feel like calling my darling (he insisted 'proper title' instead of 'him') who should be near lunch hour at his time. i really miss his voice now.. *one thing positive abt different timezone, he's awake now compared to same time zone where he'll be sleeping like a log, totally imperturbable* anyway i refrained myself from calling him.. he must be enjoying his lunch w his colleagues *it turned out to be so* (have a good lunch, darling).. argh~! someone help me! i want to sleep before i start thinking about work!!

16 Jun 10 - 2nd day 3rd night

no no.. dont get me wrong i'm not going to log the 30 days of him being in USA, it's just so happen i (finally) have the time to blog (usually i'd be on vchat at this hr~)..

i read a chapter today in the book of 'Cat and Dog Theology'.. first, let me introduce that this book magnified the thin line between 'praying for God's glory' and 'praying for one's glory'.. human, being so creative, is often blinded by all the blessings promises of God that we forgot all things (good and BAD) comes from Him for His glory. ok, that's the gist, please get the book for more details..

anyway i was at this chapter on Minor Characters.. very often we hear stories of Job, of Moses and even the Christmas story where death was sentenced for greater purposes to come, however have we ever thought for the those who were 'nobly' sacrificed, instead of focusing the 'hero'? i mean, all first-born in jerusalem were killed, just bcos of one Baby birth, was it fair to those babies - they were killed before they had the chance to grow? revelation from this chapter is that life is not about fairness. God gave us life to bring Him glory, we are created for His glory. yes, it might be hard to swallow for starter, but i really think it's very true. even when all family members of Job had to suffer a sudden death (many still young and able, full of dreams n visions), it all happened cos God allowed a trial to Job and that trial brought God glory through Job's faithfulness. was it fair to his young faithful sons n daughters? think again.. *even death is part of a great stage to reveal His glory*

i'm not saying God is egoistic who only does all for His own glory, but He does have greater reward for us in Heaven. being on earth, He is our Creator and He knows the best for us, if only we accept His Plan. if you lost me by now, ask yourself on your purpose on earth.. why are you created for? why are you here? let God reveal His glory through you~

Rom 11:36

For from him and through him and to him are all things.
      To him be the glory forever! Amen.

15 Jun 10 - 1st day 2nd night

can i comment i like the way we resolve our tiff or differences - when i cant find the words to speak, my blog becomes his 2nd informer. i like the way he is totally frank at my comments, even though he's filtered with care and consideration.

i'm absolutely amazed with the fact that every 'dispute' we had is resolved with such openness and the turn-around time is really amazingly fast. just imagine how deeply in doubt i was last night, it only took us an hr or so of instant messages (in midst of my busy daily tasks) *talk about multi-tasking and switching concentration!* to straighten things out, to clear the clouds! now, at least i see a blink of light at end of the tunnel *hopefully that blink will not fade off*

seeing him in bright morning sunlight while it's all night on my side, is so contrasting.. looking at how he prepared his microwaved eggs sandwich, smiling at the way he wolfed it down to get ready for work, it's such a fresh experience.  i ve never seen him getting ready for work before.. words were hardly exchanged, rather i'm enjoying every moment of watching him getting ready for his day. this must be the fastest and quietest vchat we ever had - 45mins past so quickly~

while he's at work now it's my turn to rest for my day...fyi, San Jose is 15 hours behind Singapore

14 Jun 10 - i choose to remain silent..

14Jun2010 10:50pm - i hang up on him. i know he really didnt want to end the call despite the fact he's on his flight to US (no mobile connection allowed on flight, remember?) but i really dont have anything to say..

to be frank, last wkend i thought through a lot of things.. matters on my work, issues of my rship and also concerns of my health (mental health?)..shall i share with you guys? before i do, may i declare i'm NOT in  depression yet, perhaps it's a sign but no, i'm not under depression now :)

u know i've just came back to my 'rice-bowl' job, back to long hours and fire-fighting days. and just so happened i also had opportunity to discuss on another position with my taiwanes ex-boss.. thus qns started to emerge in my mind, 'why do i want to look for job again','am i sure of relocation in future? if not,why disrupt my career planning in such short span?' etc etc.. cant deny the fact i m rather affected, no doubt, but i really tried to cast it aside, reasoning with taking a step at a time, after all the position is not an confirmed offer. ok, many of you would have guessed - i might just be tempted cos of my rship, perhaps one day i have to be relocated etc etc.. but we seem to miss the qn of 'is J really game/ready for relocation?' ok, perhaps that too far of a future to consider, let's bring the picture nearer - am i really ready for LDR? *didnt i scream on top of my lungs that i didnt want LDR?!*

what on earth came over me when i agreed to enter LDR? did i overestimate myself for being 'independent' or just another stepping stone towards another depression? as if my last rship was not complicated enough, i'm actually allowing myself to be in a more complicated rship now, dealing with physical absence.. am i really in the right mind?
*disclaimer: i'm not regretting on my rship, but just wonder why did i 'forsake' my firm stand against LDR..
**disclaimer again: i'm not saying he's mistreating me but just wonder why did i allow him to come into my life when i was pushing him away due to physical distance..


anyway i kinda 'awaken' now..especially when i realised what a good man he is, the seed of doubt started to flourish with light of awakening.. how long will we continue to be apart? are we really going to rely on air travel,just to spend a weekend together? how long will it takes before one of us starts to feel tired, i mean emotionally n physically draining? 3yrs? 5yrs? one thing i can be sure is i'm not ready to relocate in next 3yrs - something i feel 'right' to my very bones.

at this thought, i find myself speechless in front of him.. are we really serious about moving forward? or rather, am i? what else can i talk to him? how can i 'tactfully' voice out without casting fear/anxiety on him? i know he's full of faith in our rship, but 'faith without works is dead' will this turn out to be sheer malarkey?.. i dont know.. i cant even foresee how we spend Christmas, his birthday, let alone my birthday and many important festivals ahead..i choose to remain silent..