30 Dec 09 - **so loved**

my goodness gracious~~~ can u believe how much loved and protected i am? i really mean it!
after episode with CK, i've been receiving sincere advice.. some open-minded, some are seriously concerned and some seriously piss off; all in all the message is 'stay away n stay open'.

ok, there's something i seriously feel 'not right' is the ambiguity, and i dislike ambiguity.
when i was younger, much much younger, i did have my share of flings.. but i've always been a honest fling, if i can name that.. i've always let it known that i'm not into serious rship.. well, i guess why GOES around COMES around.. how true! but i've change, ya? thru maturity + time + tribulations??.. perhaps that is why i'm VERY FOCUS now?

anyway, i really thank you people for all your offline concerns, be it nagging or ceaseless sms.. u people are the BEST~ i love you!! if the guy is 'right' for me, you guys will be the first to vet! (but seriously, if he is the one, i'm pretty sure he'll be smart enough to gain all ur favour and trust!) again, i must say, i love love you people~!

30 Dec 09 - 期待,期待,期待...

可能你還不了解菁的閱讀習慣.. 菁一律只習慣閱讀英文書籍, 但唯有小說籍菁還是比較喜歡華文的貼切. 菁真的超喜歡閱讀'藤井樹Hiyawu'的小說! 還記得較年輕時, 在偶然的情況下開始他的< 我們不結婚,好嗎> , 過後就是<貓空愛情故事>, <這就是我的答案>, <有個女孩叫Feeling>等等等.. 也許是因為年齡差距不大(他是1976年的baby; 處女座,O型) 他的文法簡直牽著我的感動.. 甚至還深深影響我的文法呢! 厲害吧? 他真的是.. 超讚!! 每次回台灣都會到成品查看與購買他的最新作品, 真的可以說他'迷倒' 菁吧?

但不知何時, 飄洋過海買回來的新書被擱在書櫥裡也有5年的時間, 最近才重見天日..
也許是菁現在想念著台灣.. 也許此刻的菁需要些些愛情的愛情滋潤, 不管怎麼樣成了包包的'必須物件'. 不管是在等候時間觀念差的朋友還是享受一人乘搭列車, 菁將周圍的人以置之度外深深地活在林子學的故事裡.. 好可愛溫和愛心的男生.. 若現世社會有如此聰明和體貼的男生, 菁一定去追~! 期待,期待,期待...

注: 有人能告訴我台灣還能買到<薯水街的三月十一號>嗎>?

29 Dec 09 - 29Dec again

it's 29 Dec again.. the fateful day when all these happened.. and it left its sting today..

to be honest, i am surprised and proud of what i did last night - making a firm stand. but yet, i cant help feeling disappointed.. what's wrong with guys these days, even though they are Christian guys? i really cant help wondering if there'd ever be a not-so-spiritial guy i'd be attracted to and he's really faithful in commitment.. ya, i know it's rare, esp at my age. but seriously, it's better to be single than to be in wrong rship. (trust me, i've been there done that and learnt it hard)

ok, today was not a good day cos i really had a hard time sleeping last night, hence my neck+shoulder tension came back. i really need a good sleep tonight~ but can i? i think i've managed my disappointment with this acquaintance but will i be able to sleep well over this?? why is it 29 Dec again?

28 Dec 09 - now or never

ok, it's either now or never.. i told CK straight what i want in rship and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for his understanding n respect (despite his ego).

it's only our 2nd meet-up and i can feel the 'attraction' is getting out-of-normal.. this is way not normal! hence i decided.. it's either swim or die. i told him that i really cant trust him yet and it's a haunting qn on why he is still single. not to mention, i really dont want our friendship to develop so fast - it's always better to slow thing down, even though alcohol was the catalyst. i seriously know how to take care of myself, after learning a hard lesson previously. and if he's not sharing my view, then i'd rather wish him happiness in other rship~

yes, i'm very 'traditional' when it comes to rship now..i've also learnt the hard way of its adverse. if we are meant to be, we will be.. if not, i'll still wait for God to send His planned one for me.. though patience is not my virtue, but i'm pretty sure of what kind of relationship i want now. let God lead the way~

27 Dec 09 - the Lord has spoken.

what do you do when the Lord divinely plant a seed of 'keenness' in you to attend last-weekend-of-the-year Mass with your godparents, after being absence from them for a yr and despite your 'regular' church? obedience, right??... so i went Mass instead of service this morning..

what do you think when it's so just happened to be 'Feast of Holy Family' day (note the word "family") and the Homily by Fr Peter on 'family vocation' was so timely divine, as if Father God is speaking right to you, even though you've always known this concept in your mind?! ... seriously, if this is not divine arrangement to get my spirituality back, there wont be anything else.. my eyes were tear-flooding, and even 'threaten' Father that He really cannot do this to me everytime i return to this main church hall.. this is just so overwhelming, really overwhelming~~

trust me, it's been a long time since i felt so 'at home' in God's Presence. even though it's not charismatic manner, but i really enjoy the joyful solemn of Mass order, esp being with my god-family! everyone welcomes everyone with a great hug of love~ i really kinda miss my god-daddy and everyone in RCIA.. it's really wonderous how God always provide and direct me to a 'new discovery' place whenever i feel down down down..

to top it up, i also had a great lunch with the family, and to know there's a new god-brother from 2009 process~ cool guy with nice wife. john and lucinia - they are still as cheeky and teasing as ever.. what a pair. paul, 'uncle' paul, is still so 'charming' and surrounded with pretty girls from RCIA.. everyone is so cheerful as ever! what a nice family gathering at His Divine Timing!

*disclaimer: yes bro, i didn't mention u.. cos.. i see you much very often lah! still the same caring 'egoistic' bro i knew, known and know :)

25 Dec 09 - 1st Christmas wish ever!

u know what.. after watching Hallmark's "Boyfriend for Christmas" it kinda get me fuzzy up with all the Christmas wishes and hopes.. kinda wish santa will also arrange such a 'timely' boyfriend at my doorstep.. yes i know this season is about Christ, not santa, but hey i just have this little hope lit up, dun extinguish it (yet)!

u know what.. i do have this childhood dream which i've always wanted to fulfil yet.. ok i'm not that commited.. and i've NEVER told anyone, not even GQ. if anyone by any chance fulfils it for me, i'll sure be his girlfriend.. is that a good deal? hahah.. i'm serious.. that has been my secret wish for years, if santa knows it..

let's see.. my clue to u guys is there are 6 books in this series, written by an infamous author. through the years i've managed to keep the 2nd and 5th book, while the rest remains mystery.. i simply love this series which brought so much joy in my childhood days.. in fact, i'm named after one of its characters.. ok, that's about all i can disclose..

if God is willing, may the collection be completed. Amen!

24 Dec 09 - what a night

in midst of my family conflict, i kinda directed my energy to work (as usual).. trust me, translation is really not a nice thing to do, esp when it involves professional trading terms which i am so unfamiliar in.. it's easier to translate China/Singapore's HR regulations than these trading contracts~~ but i kinda enjoying it till i realised my eyes are so worn out by the pc..

then, the next joyful part kicks in when my bro came all way to my office to pass me my christmas present! seriously, i am so glad that he bought the 'right thing'; not just right but GREAT too! u seldom get to see such 'heater' around anymore, let alone so beautifully dressed. i really intend to safekeep in my office!! i need the heat so much on my freq headache, neck strain and shoulder pain!! bro, u r my so lovely lovely great brother!!

ok, i guess this is the part which i suppose you people are more interested in..
i went out for dinner with this guy... he found my profile on SDU and we started to chat over msn.. then i was just in the mood yesterday to plan for today when he asked for dinner, so i agreed - nothing 'special reason' ok?

what abt him? he's of my different world.. seriously, capable guy from a rich family who owns 3 'expensive' cars? his personal car is a BMW.. plays rugby, tennis and enjoys golf (i hate it) for business network? i must say, he's also very witty, smart and sociable hence it's an enjoyable date, even though i was listening (and evaluating) most of the time. if anyone wanna a dependable n presentable bf, i'll recommend him.

as for myself, i guess i tend to 'enlarge' our differences even though we are of common faith (he's a Catholic converted Methodist).. n i did reveal that i dont really like rich guys (which is a surprise fact for u people, i know). same perception for pilots. not that i feel 'inferior' but i just know their social world is very different from mine.. one day i might not like their way of socialising or he would have issues with my friends n family. or perhaps i just dun trust these rich people to understand my depression condition.. ok i wont dwell much on this thought.

que sara sara despite a nice night out.. kinda 'special' that i was not in church today like i'd usually be

23 Dec 09 - spoilt brat

hahaa.. trust me, i know it's evil to laugh at people behind their back, but simply cant help it.. who ask her to spoil her? and when i'm correcting her, she stood on her side and blame me for correcting her! yes, that is what u get when u breed a spoilt brat like my sister.

apparently i also given up on my sister, by ignoring her for past days. i simply IGNORE her and they all who stood by her! seriously, why bother making things 'better' when i can never be 'part of them'? since young, they are just not my league / frequency.. i think i prefer to chat with my god-bro over them.. their words are never encouraging, let alone respectful. i give up.

ok what happened was.. she wanted to wash her laundry but my mum was soaking her clothes in it. then she screamed aloud that 'ok lah, everyone can wash clothes except me lah!' (see, this is how selfish and unreasonable she is!!) instantly, she stormed into her room and slammed the door! my mum was so taken aback while i just watch the scene.. expected behaviour from a spoilt brat~ and now, my mum is finally complaining abt her attitude (as if it's not obvious through these years, esp past days)..

so, this is it - a glimpse of my sister, who has been totally spoilt by my parents.

21 Dec 09 - might as well..jump

yes, i've not cooled down yet.. which i also know it's very unusual for me to be angry for more than a day.. but what the hell, it takes 2 hands to clap if they continue to be rude and disrespectful.. i'm perfectly fine with silence esp since i really dont like to talk in the first place.

like what i told my dear bro this morning after his qn on how did i manage to get up early with no/less sleep(see, i remember every word i heard n said) .. i was (still) fuming mad that i forced myself to sleep in order to fight that tempting thought of suicide.. trust me, if i've not been able to sleep or if i woke up in middle of night, i'm pretty sure i'll just jump down.. at least jumping down is better than running across the road to be hit down, it wont implicate another person for killing me.. the seducing thought of dying was just so good and right..

which is why i've always said, if you've never been through depression, you'll never know how relentless this monster is.. its provacative suicidal thought is forever lurking around and you need to be on-guard 24-7 against it. dont freaking tell me, it's 'a matter of mind'! try to be in depression yourself!! to make the dish more appealing, add bad flu n cough to it! try fighting the battle with all that! and spice it up with that rude attitude from my sisters!

yes, i was that freaking angry! dun ever piss me further now!!

20 Dec 09 - my last will

if i'd to write my will, i kinda wish this entry will be it..

i freaking dont understand why people, even your own siblings, can be so selfish and irresponsible! if you want to help housechores, then jolly well do 101% of it! if you can give your best at work to clean up the mess, why not at home? if you are half-hearted abt it, then what the hell you want to give half-done work? u can clean so well for your own room, yet why such sloppy work with other rooms! it's mere immature and irresponsible attitude!! i'd rather pay someone who can do better than your half-done attitude! if you want to do it, freaking do it to your best! you'd rather pay hefty sum to full work out in gym, yet giving me half willing attitude and not even move the furnitures to really clean it well! what the hell!! it's better than you dont do at all!!

and if you are so unreasonably lazy and yet angry with me, that you do not want to acknowledge my presence, so be it! you are such a complaint slacker who only knows how to complain and nag at others! look at yourself! your work and attitude!! no wonder u dont enjoy your singlehood, who else can stand your stubborn and spoilt attitude, except your ex! just bcos you 'tend to do more housechores', u are ready for marriage? pls!! marriage is a merger of 2 families, please look and reflect on your selfish attitude towards people!

because i dare to voice out, challenge this spoilt selfish attitude, i'm now the 'common enemy' of my 2 sisters.. so be it! if no one wants to acknowledge my presence, then i jolly well die from this h1n1. what the heck, everyone has to die why not now? if being considerate is common enemy, then i'd rather die than to live in this selfish world. let your parents continue to spoil you in your selfish attitude!! just bcos you are younger, i have to be blame for correcting you?! what the f!

19 Dec 09 - Candlelight Service

went for Candlelight Service, despite my doc's 'warning' of h1n1 (me, i'm suspected). yes i know that is not very socially responsible, but hey.. i'm down with this h1n1 for more than a month, i should have passed to alot of people by now.. moreover, if i dont turn up today, who knows what's someone will be thinking next.. at least i 'risked' my life to show face and physically display how sick i am, even though i look well and normal.. mind you, i had to wear fleece hand-gloves throughout service~~ that is how cold i am!

but i do admit... the Presence of God was so great today.. i even weep while worshipping Him. it's just so good to know, while people judges me, my Heavenly Father still lifting me up and accepting me and my situation.. seriously, it's good to be embraced by God after 1mth of absence, and experiencing His acceptance and love again. anyway, since He is the Reason of this season, i forgave that someone and hugged her.. well, no point resenting, right? season of Reconciliation :)

anyway, i've a new question... why do i always attract guys when i'm at my spiritual low?? when i'm in my high (ie high maturity), guys seem to regard me as a threat.. for better or worse, i seem to be 'the attraction' for drawing them back to God.. and this usually happens when i'm in my low~!.. why why why....

18 Dec 09 - pain..and PAIN!

if anyone is really fed up with his/her body, that'll be me..
i'm freaking fed up with what is this body is trying to tell me she is feeling some (alot) tension somewhere, where? or telling me, i'm going to die?? frankly, at this rate of nightly physical torture, i'd rather be the latter.

yesterday, my head ached so much together with my neck+shoulder.. i simply cant walk across the block any further, hence i just walk into a traditional massage palour for a 40mins quick fix @ $32! (talk about being thrifty~) it was 'instant' relief but tha pain returned as i made my way back office.. then it started to scream in pain again, that i had to go for a full back accupunture treatment straight after work! my neck was so painful that it could zap the living life out of me~ the treatment was aching painful. every points connecting to my back, shoulder, head and neck was a deadly points (though i enjoyed it).. apparently, all my 'yang qi' is trapped within my very cold 'yin qi' outer body, so much so that the body heat within is bursting out with tremedous discomfort now, like an volcano erruption. i had to release those heat by scrapping my body (gua sha).. ok, there it went and became better..

but today, this pain is back AGAIN!! my shoulder is stiffening and my headache is returning.. i dont know if cos of the cold rainy morning, or the cold aircon above my office seating.. or it's just me. can someone exchange my body with me? or better still, use those ancient martial arts to 'release' my internal 'qi' and loosen all my nerves? gosh, i must really go and learn these super ancient martial arts to use my body 'qi'!!

16 Dec 09 - back to school

today was my first tuition lesson, after 3yrs of laziness..
i call it laziness cos i've always like to teach but.. first was my depression, then my pre-occupation of work, i was really lazy to even think of sparing 2hrs per week for the kids. yes, i've been slacking..

ok, why do i like to teach?.. i dunno. perhaps cos that is my only 'affinity' with kids? trust me, i really cannot play with them like those big sisters/brothers in children church. i can just flip out~ but i dare say i'm a very good teacher to the kids.. i dont teach them the way it should be, but the way each individual is naturally wired to learn.. and i enjoy teaching those who have difficulty or less interest in learning. i'm pretty confident i can spark their learning interest and get them to build their foundation again. i guess, this is my gift with kids.. pls dont ask me to play with them or nanny after them~ in fact, i've never find it pleasing to 'hang around' with kids.

will i be a strict mum in future? ya, i suppose.. looking at my hugo, i can say i've this certain standard of discipline despite the 'excessive' pamper. i believe one should have fun in life, however, also taking on the responsibilities of trust and respect. am i too profound for your thoughts?

15 Dec 09 - Favours from God

ok, for those of u who are 'guardians' of my spiritual walk..
i give thanks to God for ...
1) favour with my boss
seriously, i've no idea why this company wants to have a headcount (ie me!) in singapore office when there's really nothing much to do.. the only 'real' work is those administrative payments and.. cleaning the new office?? yet i have to submit a daily report on my work progress, which obviously kept me 'busy' having to find something to write about each day.
despite all these, i thank God that my boss really trust me with every possible decision i'm making for the office. even though there's a major dispute in renovation works, he didn't fault me for non-active anticipation or following up closely to his requirements.

2) good friendship with gwen
after leaving SAP, one would have thought rship would be distanced. however, whenever we meet up, the rapport is still as strong as she pours her woes to me and concerns over me. frankly, though i'm not physically in the company anymore, i can still relate to her frustrations, challenges at work.. not to mention that i'm still as 'updated' as before.
when it comes to dining and shopping, i've always find it hard to find female companion of the similiar interest (taste) and budget! their are either 'girlish'+spendthrift or 'executive'+expensive, not even near my range of economical sense (cents). yet, with gwen.. even though her income is REALLY good, with a good sum of 'retirement fund', her cents+sense are so much better than others. if i can put it bluntly, she is a rich good-fashion sensed 'tai-tai' who dine in hawker centres!
trust me, while people meet for dinner at cafes/restaurants, our dinner dates are usually in foodcourts or hawker. not that we are miser, but what is the point of having such 'luxury' meals for every gathering, not as if the food quality is really worth the price..

i really thank God for His favours! :)

12 Dec 09 - interesting chat at wee hours

piece of good news - morning coughing has subsided but nose is still uncomfortable at night as before.. in fact, i nearly caught another mild flu today because of the immense afternoon heat+humidity~ ya, i know i'm very sensitive to weather change, it cant be cold and not too hot.. i might as well be a walking weather-station.

few nights ago, due to my flu, i cant sleep hence i stayed online surfing for something to do.. until an interesting invitation to chat came in. yes, it was so interesting and interactive that we chatted for 6.5hrs, till 4.30am!! yes, u saw it right! chatted till 4.30am on a thurs night~ (my bro was surprised that i actually could wake up at 7am later).. well, i have to work, remember? i spent that friday setting up my office network, download free softwares that might help in my work and all those IT stuff.. by myself! (i'm so kinda proud of myself!) and no, i didn't feel sleepy till 6pm. by 6.30pm, i could almost walk with my eyes closed~ bed bed i need my bed..

since then, i wonder if i'd ever meet this interesting guy again. however one should always be careful and skeptical abt these 'online' friends, even though the feel/flow felt so right and comfortable. not that i've fallen at first 'sight' but it's always good to have such good wits interactions. then again, it's good not to have high hopes unless mutal consensus is ascertained.

nevertheless, i'll just wait and see what the future beholds.. first of all, this flu must go away~

7 Dec 09 - H1N1

time's now 11:55pm.. i've been wearing this thick SAP windbreaker over my long sleeves pypamas and long pants for past 2hrs in this cool night where everyone is enjoying a good cooling sleep, except me.. i'm sneezing, choking and my nose has been running and blocking.. what an experience to have this every night~ (even after taking my all-powerful yellow flu pill)

qn of faith comes to my battling mind.. what have i been doing? ever since my return from HKG, i've been sick with fever, sorethroat, cough and flu.. 4 out of 6 symptoms for H1N1.. ya, and i've not been to a western doc for consultant..but what if, it's H1N1?? well, i was 'lucky' enough to have dengue, out of the so many people.. i'm not surprised if so.. and not to worry, in fact H1N1 hsa become so common that likelihood is now more than 25%... 'common flu' just a bit prolonged..

i'm not dying in physical.. i know i wont die.. but i'm dying in spiritual. cos of this cold air curfew and nightly battle, i've not been attending cellgroup meetings (8pm), evening service (5-7.30pm) and even cant make it for morning services (10am).. basically if i would to rate my spiritual life, it's a big fat ZERO dead.

without social support (and understanding), no one inspires me biblically.. my only prayer is when i'm praying in my dreams, and i was really praying aloud - i can hear in my subconcious waking state! the Word? i try to remember what i had read before.. new reading? zero.. so what does that make me? spiritual death?? i've been dead 'physically', emotionally and now spiritually?? wow.. anyone wants to trade my interesting life?

very often, i thought of ending my whining blog and start something healthy to feed my spirit, but .. i'll be stucked.. what can i share? bible verse? God's promises? or inspirations?? give praise and thanks to God (which i know i should - 1 Thess 5:18)? .... now i know how great Jesus is when He chose to sacrifice His Life for us - it's not easy to keep following the will of God, esp when we are in sickness and sufferings. Great is His Love for us!

5 Dec 09 - cause of death

my family says i've too much saliva hence my frequent chokes.. but when i started coughing, choked and suffocated all out of a sudden, while i was watching tv (not even talking).. they agree i'm going to die soon.. what great family support i have.

yet i cant deny- everytime i coughed+choked like this, i know i'm so near death as i really had to breathe and grasp air with all my might, whatever i've left in my physical. trust me, if u ever seen someone choked to death, yes that's me when i was struggling to breathe..

times like this i cant help wondering when will i ever die.. when will i run out of this strength to breathe so hard so vitally.. seriously, i really wish those of you who doubt my 'sickness' can see me in that state, just to justify myself.. if i'm older (weaker) i wonder if i've the strength to grasp for air when my lungs are so crushed and suffocated.. it's either i'd die of asthma or bad cough/choke. i can even tell you my season of death = end of year where cold wind dominate the air..

to help myself, i have already placed curfew at 8pm on myself... see, i'm really taking care of myself~

4 Dec 09 - working from starbucks

guess where am i now? working from STARBUCKS cafe in raffles place.. minutes from my future 'cage' - office. thankfully, there's power plug available here! save me the trouble of going national library which is 3 bus-stops away.

good life? ya, i agree.. which is why i'm contemplating if i should do this in future, to stay out of the office. what i need is a power plug and broadband connection which i'm using the company's mobile broadband.. see, i'm so good in 'planning for future' :) as long as my boss and clients dont see me having such 'easy life'~

on the cons, i'm carrying this heavy load of 'mobile office' around.. trust me, with all my notebook, namecard holder, electrical stuff and a heavy laptop~ (i think my laptop loves me quite a lot. with me, it has travelled to several places outside home, even to SuZhou and Taiwan~).. but seriously, i did consider a smaller+lighter! netbook but doubt i'll like the feel of such limited space area. :P oh come'on, i used to work with 2 big LCD monitors simultaneously ok.. big space required for efficient work :P

anyway, if you are wondering why i'm not working in comfort of home.. well, i like to see people busy and rushing around for work while i'm working leisurely comfortably in cafe? haha.. yes, gloating is the word.. and i really enjoy being 'tourist' in singapore :)