28 Oct 10 - welcome to 21st club,xu!

ok i might be too old-fashioned for my 'modern' lifestyle. what the heck anyway~ i love the feeling of being 'auntie' among my aunts and uncles and cousins! it's always nice to have everybody in one house. yes it can be noisy but heck it, this is what family bonding and communication is! even shouting across the living room, my cousins know what the hell i'm talking about, in the midst of all the discussion between the 'elder' generation. yes, my cousins bonding are surprising rather strong for our X/Y generation. we are proud of one another!

today is my dear cousin - xu's 21st bday. 21st!! i remembered i was so unhappy when i held my 21st bday celebration.. what a big hoo-ha over it! it's so crowded with my parents' friends and relatives, neighbours over my own friends. i just didnt like celebrating birthday then. but when i am this old now, i simply ENJOY ANNOUNCING my birthday to everyone, esp in such family gatherings. heck the numbers, i freaking dont look my age *thanks be to God!* not to mention my bday next yr is on CNY reunion day! of course i must 'remind' them to double up the angbao. though i'm abit too old to collection CNY angbaos, but hey i'm never too old to collect my BIRTHDAY ANGBAOS!!
so, a REMINDER to all of you reading - my 2011 birthday is on CNY eve (2nd Feb 11)! I EXPECT PRESENTS AND A HUG! you can do away with the birthday kiss~

anyway, back to xu's bday - what a FREAKING FEAST! the moment i walked into the house, it's like having a buffet spread where everyone, i really mean EVERYONE, is gathered at the table FEASTING and CHATTING! oh my gosh, u cannot imagine the rush of warmth that overcame me~ totally overwhelmed my work fatigue!! *i was so so tired after work* in that freaking instant, i transformed into my 'auntie' attittude+social butterfly. F! care what came over me, i just suddenly become the 'life' of the party, heating the whole atmosphere up (though it's already quite hot~) of course, i didnt forget this big day for my dear birthday cousin hence we opened a bottle of italian wine to celebrate her 'legal' age for alcohol. *disclaimer: i just drank HALF a glass, sharing with my sister!* i'm NOT freaking alcoholic ok! there are some occasions where you just have to be wild and f! the care of everything on your shoulders. just enjoy being yourself!!

though the feast, noise and shouting chat lasted for mere 2hrs, i really had GREAT fun. i really dont mind being 'auntie' if that is what it takes to have my fun and be myself~ my work is already really freaking stressful and professional-presenting, i need a freaking break to be myself, to remove the 'serious' j to return to 'wild' j. to those who dont know me that well - yes i'm a daring wild crazy fun-loving BITCH in my school days. if u dare me, i WILL do it! sigh.. those were the days.. and i freaking miss it!

oh, by the way, i hugged EVERYONE in the gathering just now. i stick to my resolution - a hug each day to everyone i meet!

26 Oct 10 - strenghtening up

ok, i really need to build my muscle up~ i think the girls are getting stronger each week that their throw is so strong! well, might as welll since i have to build my strength for shotgun training. angie said girls with moderate muscles are sexy, but i dont think i can ever make that mark. i'm freaking TOO THIN!

u cant imagine how much i enjoy my tights muscle so stretched and my arm muscle getting sore. ok i'm a bit sadist - but hey, that is my old young days! i was totally a well-built (thin) cross-country runner and netball player! those were the days!! damn, makes me feel dam old now!

in midst of my crazy work, i am just so so so so happy that i'm going home!! seriously, even looking at taiwan documentary film now excites me so much! I AM GOING HOME!! but i'm not going to slack at home - i'll still continue my stamina training everyday (guoqing runs every dawn! he's also my morning call every day now!) i am just so happy going back taiwan~ hope i wish i can stay there for a mth or so, just like before. I LOVE TAIWAN! frankly speaking, i dont mind getting a job there, as long as that pay is GOOD. though gwen warned me aginst getting sudden married in taiwan, but she didnt warn me abut getting a job there! so..hmm.. that might be my alternative~

gosh, a few more days to go and i'll be HOME, in my OWN ROOM in TAIWAN! come'on, baby, i'm so eager to be back home! i miss you so much!!

25 Oct 10 - cant wait to go home

i really look forward to return home.. in fact, i'm counting down every day to my home.. staying inside my room and just be alone. how i wish i can stay there forever, but i know i have to use that time to strengthen myself - physically and emotionally.

gwen warned me not to get married on impulse, of course i wont~! didnt i say i've enough of guys in my life? though guoqing has been asking, but i know and i'm sure it's not possible. what if he turns out to be another minwei, there goes my 16yrs of close friendship!! i kinda 'lost' ian after our quarrel and i cant afford to lose another close friend. no, not now.. i know guoqing dotes on me, but dont worry i know my limits with him as a brother - i wont abuse his doting and love. excuse me, all these yrs, have i ever abuse his care and concern for me anyway? NO! i even tried to reconcile his marriage ok~ that;s what good close friend do.

anyway, in a few days' time i'll be going back! i'm so happy, even though i've not packed my luggage. in fact, what's there to pack? just a few personal items and i'm ok to fly over. i believe i still ve some clothings in my room, just need to send them to laundry before i wear. i hope everything stays the same in my room.. just the same, i can snack all day in bed, read my books from 誠品, slurping on the food in my neighbourhood.. the though of jogging in the morning on mountain trek excites me - trust me, i'll sure wake up when the sun is up! take my time to do come house chores (as my contibution) and then take a walk nearby before dinner. gosh, that is my taiwan life~ dont u just envy me? i envy myself... i am so looking forward to stay in taiwan!

23 Oct 10 - trust me, if i can buy my own gun, i will!

i finally went shotgun shooting today! for those who dont know me THAT well, i LOVE shooting, esp shotgun. i'm not such a great fan of pistol. i love the feeling of holding a REAL live-fire gun in my hand, with real firing cartridge for flying clay target!! i simply love it when i hit the clay trap!! those who have not tried it, you MUST! even a boney girl like me can carry that shotgun, so can u!

but sad to say, after nearly 2yrs of not shooting, my gun alignment and strength is kinda affected BADLY! in the past (i've wriiten on my previous blog), i can easily achieve 70% hits, but today it's a downright 30%! what the hell!! but at least i'm improving on my shooting position and alignment, that my instructor praised me on that! but still.. what the hell, it's only 30% hits! u know what? in that freaking instant, i decided to commit a monthly shooting session with my instructor. he was so happy that a young boney girl like me is so fervent into shooting (i'm just peculiarly rare!), and he promised to give me personal coaching, with just normal 'day' shooting price! i m so thrilled and honoured! mr tan is really a very patient and good instructor~ i like him since my very first shooting session when i was first addicted to shooting. i'm so honoured to have him as my personal shooting instructor!

besides netball, another sports i've always wanted to learn is archery. *yes, u know i'm a VIOLENT girl, esp when i'm stress!* i had some fun in the indoor archery below my office block, but they are moving off to yishun! *of all places - YISHUN! :(* i'm so going to build up my muscles for these 2 sports and netball!! i need all the weight training i can get, to pump up my strength and endurance! (my gym instructor told me i'm very weak in strength)

for those who are glad that i'm busy with my shooting, netball and archery, help to think of some activities or exercise to help me gain more strength! for those who are 'scare' that i'm getting violent, hey THIS IS J! i've never been a feminine girlie since i know myself! take it or leave it!

21 Oct 10 - F! off my life!

after past few months, i finally braced enough courage to log into facebook again.. guess what? the first update is minwei's update!! apparently, he really worked 'so hard' to complete his 'apple collection' - iphone4,ipad,and macpro. *what the hell!!* i read on and his wall had "Alex likes 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛， 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生" 

 i totally agree with the first part - 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛 but i cant help wondering if he's talking to me in the second part - 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生. what is the definition of '不合適的愛' when rship should be a mutual discussion and agreement, rather than a one-sided SUDDEN decision? ok i'm not saying he's at fault but dont i have the right to make decision for 'our rship' too, be it 合適 or not 合適. entering a rship is mutual agreement yet dissolving it is not? what F! logic is this?!

if you've come to my point in life, perhaps 寂寞一生 is a good thing. afterall i still have lotsa good friends - unmarried/married around me. in fact, my psychiatrist (did i tell you he's A/Prof and a senior consultant, for my freaking case!?) told me this morning that he's not worried abt my health, cos he knows i'll do the right thing but his only worry is i might get burnt out by stress. he knows i've diverted my attention to my work, even to that extent of missing my counselling session with his 'good friend' recommended. *i told u i've been working long hours! simply no time~!!* like a father he is, he is right! i'm freaking BURNT OUT! hence i miss taiwan so badly now, so badly that i actually felt so freaking happy after buying the return airticket! i actually hugged angie next to me with such a smile on my face, exclaiming 'i'm finally going home!'. trust me, missing my taiwan life is my red-button stress signal. i cant imagine what the hell i will become if i dont go back while the siren is warning. i might just collapse n check in to mental hospital?

looking at his sentence, i have freaking mixed feelings now. i'm freaking wondering if he's thinking abt us, me or only himself? what the F! does he mean when he is 'a fan' of this sentence? though i know it is perfectly rationale (my psych will agree with that) but do u know how PAINFUL it is when such F! sudden decision of ONE PARTY was made (my psych will agree with that too!)? how come men are always the one who chicken out in commitment, yet we ladies are the loyal and faithful ones (my psych said this to me!!)? i know i'm one of those freaking silly faithful ones, but what the hell! why guys like to do this to us?! seriously, F! you! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! i've decided to be on long-term anti-depression medication, what the hell else do you want from me?!

maybe i should treat all you guys like how i told ian - F! off my life! yes, u read it correctly. i told my 16yrs special friend to get the hell out of my life. i'm just so fed up now-enough is enough! u people with penis out there, get the hell OUT of my life! i'm going back to my retreat place soon, and i F!ing serious that i dont want to consider any of you ever again! get the F! out of my life! cant i just have peace and love in my simple world? even if u r 'here to help' with my depression, thanks but no thanks! just get the F! hell away from me! i dare to tell ian this, and i will tell all of those freaking guys who might be thinking of going after me!! i dare to put my 16 treasured yrs of friendship to this, what else do i dare not lose to say to those guys?!  DARE ME TO SAY THAT IN UR FACE, COS I WILL!!

20 Oct 10 - J is finally going home~!! happy haapi hapi!

u cannot imagine how HAPPY i was when i clicked on the confirm button for my airticket to 'home'. i was so elated! in that instant, all the freaking stress and glooming depression seem to vanish altogether! i am finally going back! i FINALLY can return bcak to my room, where i can really rest with a total peace of mind~ nothing and nothing will come close to me. no work stress, no depression battle.. just me and my room and my view of the mountains outside my window.. when i'm awake, i can watch tv or go out and breath in the ions of the natural forest. that is so THERAPEUTIC! i m so looking forward to return home! my 2nd home!! and the best part - it's coming soon! i am so so looking forward to it!

yes, i know i just returned 3mths ago but.. i really miss my space badly~ miss having my time of 'joy of doing nothing'~ seriously, i really love my 2nd home so much that i know and i know one day.. just one day, i'll migrate over. not cos of marriage, but cos i simply love living there~ i feel more alive there than in singapore. that is a fact!

tmr is my 2nd appt with my psych who told me to do what i like, or travel to help my battle against depression, so i m merely taking on his advice! i'm such a freaking good patient, right? dont worry, people, this time i'll win this battle from airport to airport. every step of my journey this time is bcos i love to return, not bcos of my darling.

dont ask me if i'll contact minwei, cos u know i wont. i promised him time - time is all he has to get back to me. the ball is in his court, not mine. as for me, my work is time and concentration demanding now. i just want to be my best in whatever i do. therefore, i need a break before angie leaves! goodness, i cant bear to face her on her last day...

16 Oct 10 - somebody, please kill me!

i thank some of you for your concern - my negligence in my update, causing you people wonder if i'm ok (alive).. yes, my dears and dearies, i'm still surviving.. though not as 'better' as i'd hope or had lived, but hey i m still coping well enough with my raging devil (with help of pills, of course). and no, i'm not into any rship hence causing my blogging negligence. the pure fact is i'm slogging really long hours these days.. perhaps i'm getting my gears up for long long working hours ahead when my dearie angie leaves in 3 more weeks. i'm really working freaking long hours these days!

trust me, with 2 managers gone and angie's leaving, i really feel the work stress now!! even though paul (my direct director) is taking over some of the managerial duties, but becos he's already so loaded with his management duties, i have to monitor and do a very close follow-up with him on his managerial duties.practically, i'm watching over every emails requiring his attention and becoming his 'part-time' secretary. and j being j, when i'm so stressed up, i tend to relax myself by finding something silly to do. i simply heck care if u r director or fellow colleague - there's a time to be serious (professional) and there's a time to be wild such as the wine sharing time.

perhaps becos of my heck-care attitude now that i kinda 'closer' to my directors even though paul is trying to draw the line between us. please, i'm NOT having any office affair!! that is the LAST thing on earth i'd do. i guess he just needs his space as a loving husband (he IS very loving!) and caring boss which i totally respect that!

and somehow, i am nominated, or rather 'appointed' to be the organiser for our departmental year-end celebration. *are they nuts? dont they know i'll be OVERLOADED after angie left!!* frankly speaking, i must have given them the freaking impression that i'm damn fun-loving, therefore they are EXPECTING a WILD FUN, even a beach party *so typical australian-style!*!! oh my goodness, where on earth am i going to find time for that~! good fun requires good planning! not to mention, i've already volunteered myself to be in the core-team of corporate social responsibility team! being event manager of core team, i've to plan a christmas party and budget for the kids!! trust me, I'M REALLY GOING CRAZY SOON!! someone please pick my corpse from office after this Q4'10! prepare for my funeral even though i might survive the next 3mths!! i know i like challenges, but this is ABIT TOO MUCH for me in such short time frame! not to forget, i'm trying to cope with my own situation!!!!!!!!

any of you wanna help me plan any of the 2 events? please~ i need all the brainstorm of activities, network and lotsa magic spells to make these 2 events successful, ON TOP OF MY OVERLOADED WORKLOAD!  (did i mention i just worked the full day in office today (sat) till 8pm?)

08 Oct 10 - where else can i go n rest in peace?

u cannot believe how many times i visited china airlines online flight booking today. if i'm not wrong, it's no less than 5 times.. everytime i'm just a click away to issue the eticket - flying out tomorrow morning and returning on monday. i know it's a waste of money and time, just for a weekend getaway. but people, taiwan is my 2nd home. to you, it's a foreign land; to me it's like going home - a home away from home. i really need a place to rest, to 'download' my tons on my shoulder..

did i tell you i bought a bottle of moscato to office? after chilling it, the whole department enjoyed it so much and agreed we should do this 'slight' drinking more often. it really relaxed us in the midst of our piling work, during office hours. and we are NOT alcoholic, just becos carrefour is having a wine fair downstairs and all my directors are australians - we enjoy good drink. anyway, the whole dept shared a bottle of wine during office hrs - it's no big deal. we're all very stressed out, very stressed out! not to mention, one of our new transferee from france brought 2 champagne for hr dept as appreciation. hey, it's a US company ok - good wine is common. :)

i really need a break before i really snap... where else can i go n rest in peace?

07 Oct 10 - 很炫的近幾天

近幾天真的很炫.. 就連遠在北京的朋友也常msn我(他還不知道我發生了什麼事), 陪我聊天甚至還試著開導我呢 . 真的夠了.. 近日真的突然有許多海外朋友涌來關心, 讓菁真感到受寵極了~ 知道大家都很關心菁, 菁也非常感激有你們這些守護我的朋友..

最近工作真的忙壞了, 常常做到半夜才下班. 難以想像angela走後的日子會更加坎坷..  :( 菁真的得居住在公司里了! 天ㄚ, 求求菁吧! 菁真的快跨了.. 好想回台灣, 好想住在台灣的日子.. 至少周末還能去山上散心, 好朋友的聚會.. 在新加坡, 菁真的滿腦工作程序. 也許這樣也好吧, 把精力和精神集中在工作, 什麼不要想.. 想念泯瑋也好, 應付憂慮也好, 總之菁什麼也不想想了. 每天上班期待抱抱同事們, 為他們的一天加油. 其實抱抱真的很舒服, 很溫馨. 菁真的很喜歡天天擁抱朋友們..雖然工作累但有同事朋友的擁抱, 菁真的覺得很幸福  :)

真的好想念台灣...

05 Oct 10 - bad start good ending

second night of netball.. what can i say - I FEEL GREAT! though my tights are aching (again) but netball really resurrects me! i even brought gwen and madag in this course - they simply love it too! i really love playing with friends~! esp, we can chat during our drill at same time! that's bonding? hahaa..i really love tuesdays now!

but before netball, i was really so upset with myself again. i overslept, and even missed my train stop! waste of my time to take another train back~! i was so upset with my waste of time! i have freaking lotsa of things to do, even though i worked past midnight last night. but still, i practically 'stormed' into office, disclaiming aloud that i'm so angry that i'm so late for work! so much so that my colleagues came to hug me to cool me down! :) that's a change of hugging~ it also proves that what goes around comes around. it really felt good to be hugged~

i was so busy today.. n sad.. cos my precious partner - angie has a better offer! she tendered and i will so going to miss her! she's part of the reason why i accept this job, and it's so heartbreaking to know she's leaving, even though i'm happy for her. the new job is exactly what she hoped for. we are like inseparable partners! even though there's official scope for each of us, but we cover for each other so seamlessly that i really enjoy working with her! i'm so going to cry on her last day... i really like her support, and her nagging~ she is just like me! peas of the same pod. ANGELA, I'M SO GONNA MISS YOU!!!!!

04 Oct 10 - i give up.. totally give up

i really didnt start my day well, even though i arrived dam early in office today - 845am! why? cos i'm very upset with ian.. i dont know if i should trust him, if he is telling the truth. the best part is he has this poker face which i cant identify if he's faking or being truthful.

he really knows how to pamper himself in his new house - i like the simplicity design and the spacious feeling. BUT there's a toothbrush, other than his. what and how am i supposed to think n believe? he explained it's his cousin who helped him to clean up the house. but hey, do you sleep with ur cousin overnight after his/her helpful cleaning? seriously, as much as i tried to convince myself, i just cant. it's just not possible for me to believe, though i said i would believe him... at the end of the day, i just cant reconcile with my doubts. so i'm back to being angry and disappointed with him again, just like what happened years ago. he's a nice great guy but.. i guess he's just not meant for me. so be it then.

even the guy who knows me so well, always ard for me cant be trusted, how can you still have faith that guys can be trusted?? i give up. the one i thought i could trust wholeheartedly left me alone suddenly, the one i thought he cares is actually staging a play. i give up.. i totally give up trusting guys anyway.

03 Oct 10 - dave = minwei?

i know it's kinda weird.. really weird. but there's this guy who happens to be on my msn list. you see, i was cleaning up my msn that day and i thought he's my friend so i allowed him to add me. (that's how minwei and i re-established connection after 5yrs.)

we started chatting - his msn is ALWAYS online and he is really very curious about me, my present life and even my depression battle. i cant and i wont deny that i once wished him to be minwei using another msn, however, logically i know it's not possible. my darling is still avoiding me just as i'm 'leaving him alone'. but this dave guy surprised me with the 'familiarity' i feel when we chat. he really reminds me of my darling.. and he's even so bold to wish that i'm his gf, just after our few chats. yes, being the open-minded j, i practically questioned, asked and answered him about my life now, as if i'm chatting with my darling on another msn identity. i know it's not fair to dave. he also knows i'm treating him as 'replacement' yet he's totally ok with it! that is weird, right?! i really wish he is my darling minwei.. i even told him to tell minwei i still love him, if he's minwei.. seriously, the familiarity is so familiar. *does it mean i'm heading for another depression deep shit again?!* i also asked him to pray for minwei and his family, for minwei and me.. our topic is mostly abt me and my darling..

i know this is out-of-the-world strange. but it's true. remember i used to have a reader - doraemon, who was really concerned for me on my blog? well, dave is someone like him but more than that. he really made me feel as if he's minwei and he knows i have been disregarding him as dave, yet he is willing to be online all the time just to be ard for me. what the hell, you people have been praying for me?

i really miss my darling.. perhaps of dave, i've been dreaming of minwei past nights.. the surge of missing is rising and it manifests itself into such tangible reality in my dreams. darling, i really miss you. i asked everyone, including ur 'replacement' dave to pray for you - in work, in family and in direction. i really miss your hug.. please take time to think about us, in spite of your hectic work schedule of flying across china-taiwan-san jose. i really miss you so much darling..

2 Oct 10 - enough of 'new guy'!

didn't i tell you people stop praying for 'new guy' or any of that sort?

out of sudden, ck dated me out for dinner, dave is showering his concern over me thru msn.. my dear manager is even trying to match-make me with this guy we met at the colleague's bbq. not to mention, the 2 colleagues in my company he's trying to 'introduce' to me as if it's his goal for bonus.

really, people.. i'm really NOT for rship anymore! not anymore! unless my darling settles down and returns, i doubt i'll trust anyone again. my psych asked me if i still can trust minwei again after letting me slipping into depression, but honest to my very heart, yes i am still willing to trust him back wholehearted. everyone deserves a second chance, esp he was really under stress... stress he kept to himself, which should have shared with me..anyway, i stll love him, still hope for him..if only hope come true..

today i practically spent the whole day sleeping and lazing in my room (except my weekly laundry washing), listening to class95 music. it's 'number one' weekends, the songs are simply GREAT! full of memories for me - good memories, the good old days of being carefree.. i miss those days and i miss taiwan where i can put all my burdens and cares down.. i really need a break from this depression monster. he never fails to remind me every morning with uncontrollable shaking then i just have to pop my medication to combat it. i'm surviving on the strength of these medication.. as much as i dont want to, i need to..

that's why i really need a break back to my 2nd home...taiwan...

30 Sep 10 - it's 5Cs or stop praying!

i know what u people have been praying for me *prayers DO get answered!* be careful of what you pray ok? i'm not going to 'meet another guy who will love me, care for me and provide for me'. no, no more 'another guy'!

the reason why i'm saying cos .. PLEASE I'VE ENOUGH OF RSHIP SHIT! past 3days, i suddenly received so many attention from male friends, esp colleagues! what the hell! can you people be specific in your prayers - NO office! i'm in HR, ok - knowing all the confidential information, it's freaking not wise to have anyone of same company. in fact, it's my rule of thumb not to have any consideration for anyone in same school, same company and even same church! yes, i know i'm a bit eccentric but you know me! i just had long distance rship - DIFFERENT country!

anyway, i know your prayer intention is good but please stop all these prayers... i have decided to uphold my 5Cs criteria. so far, i've only known 1 guy who fit that 5Cs (read my previous blog entry if you are clueless). i rather consider someone who knows me so well, someone i'm feeling comfortable and SAFE with. trust me, i've freaking enough of rship thingy, so this guy will now have to know i'm BADLY traumatised by rship! even better, he loves me so much that i wont be in rship! i'm not talking abt cohabitation but seriously, being in rship again FREAKS ME OUT! can 2 people in love yet not in rship? that is my direction now..

i called my old friend hsinhua in taiwan just now. it's really good chatting with him *he's happily married ok* and he's really concerned for my rship roller-coaster. it's kinda funny, cos when i told him abt guoqing's 'proposal' he kinda 'warned' me. haahh.. it's really funny, cos they are such 'buddies'. but anyway, both of them are my buddies in taiwan, my really very sincere n concern support in taiwan - as if i'm their biological little sister. i really thank God for hsinhua and guoqing for such great brothers!

ok, people, have i made myself clear? no more prayer that i'll meet someone better or suitable. i freaking cant take another rship shit thing. if i have to consider someone, i'll rather have someone who have known me very well, ok? enough of 'taking care of me' shit.. eveytime they tried, it's a total flop, a step deeper into depression. so please!! no more prayer for such 'new guy' ok? I HAVE ENOUGH OF RSHIP!