29 Apr 10 - goodbye, raffles place

today is my last day in this empty office.. as usual, i went down to buy breakfast..then i realised how familiar this area has been and how i cant bear to leave.. besides the array of food and convenience of lunchtime shopping, my heart felt so heavy when i thought of my friends who had been lunching and taking coffee breaks with me..this place is like a melting pot where my friends work, a hub for all to gather..(i can take a stroll downstairs and bump into several friends - that's how 'coincidental') .. i miss them..

i will sure miss the coffee breaks.. sitting by the river under the sun, sipping my extra-hot latte while chatting the 'woes' away.. what a great way to destress in the midst of office work. i will definitely miss their laughter and tease.. how we trashed things out in face of river breeze, how we were simply too tired to talk yet enjoying each other's presence and how we made a scene in the cafe with our laughters.. gosh, i will really miss this area, esp our usual coffee place.. nothing beats being in presence of good friends :)

it's so belying though - how i frowned at the idea of working here (expensive lunch) and now i'm actually gonna miss it while  moving onto a 'more' expensive lunch area *i foresee my packing homemade lunch days are returning soon*... ... ... goodbye, raffles place, i will miss you~!!

27 Apr 10 - friends forever

it's really good to see him again after the breaking the news, afterall it's really not my intention to lose this good friend who has always been around for me throughout past 2 decades.. it's good to see him bouncing back to his egoistic (crappy) self and we really had a good hearty chat..

.. he suddenly asked 'why him over me' and my immediate look was 'huh?' *didnt i say he likes to surprise me with his qns* what a qn to ask, and it's totally out of our topic frequency~! i guess he must have kept wondering in his heart past days.. perhaps it's a good time to trash it out - how disappointed i was when he didnt turn up for Mass, how things happen the way it is now.. and so.. i really trashed it out, even though he knows i wont change my mind on my current rship, and i know he can handle my heartfelt comments just like he has always been~ *timing is just not in his favour*

again, i was totally caught unaware by his reply 'to be honest, even though i'm disappointed but i know he's a good bf, you have made the right choice', 'i'm not sure if i can treat you the same or better which is why i am not pushing the issue'. I WAS SHOCK~! many people may not understand mr I, not even his so-called 'good friends', but i dare say i understand him very well and this is NOT something he would reveal to anyone!!

i'm really honoured to have his frankness and blessings for my rship.. even though he made a silly mistake before, i still believe the mr I i've known since secondary is STILL the mr I now. i'm happy, i'm blessed.. cos i still have this good friend (+ ex-bf) who really cares alot for me.

20 Apr 10 - quick sand

i dont know how many of you are following my blog now, since mw seems to be the 'active' reader now... where are you, my ardent readers? hehee.. anyway, i sure hope u are not turned off by the 'lovey dovey' comments and expressions in my blog. please do remember, IT IS MY BLOG! dont deprive me of expressing, lest u want to pave a way for my depression.. *that is a threat*

i just finished edit my previous entry and i had a bad shock! my command of english is comparatively worse! all my grammar is in a mess!! how can you people read such 'profane language'?! please shoot me down, if i ever lose my command in proper english, ok? this is really atrocious revelation~~

ok, back to blog proper..
do you remember i had a job offer 2wks ago? well, i'm still pending for the US headoffice to approve on headcount budget.. but i didn't tell u i had a bad dream on this (not a nightmare, just bad dream).. i'm sure i do not have to exemplify what the bad dream was about.. i tried to put it away but it's been creeping at the back of my head. it kinda affecting my mood these days.. as the month end draws near, i wonder what my future beholds.. i cant even see beyond this week, yet i do not have the courage to resign prior securing a job *remember how anxious/near-depression i was when i was unemployed?* 

i really dont know what to think or plan.. sigh.. words fr my bro has been ringing in my ears 'i will pray for u but u also must pray'.. my dear bro, i know i should be praying, but with such doubt and possible disappointment(again), i cant seem to bring myself to God.. u know how human nature is - we tend to strive n do things with our own limited strength instead of going to God for His boundless Grace.. and this is where i am now, allowing myself to sink deeper and deeper into this pit of quick sand. pretty pessimistic, huh? to the extend i'm not even in mood to plan/look forward to the travel plan of meeting my darling in either HK/TPE.. everything is at such standstill and i m just so afraid to do anything...sigh sigh sigh..

*********

again, something prompt me to read Father Yim's blog.. *yes i know Holy Spirit is leading me but i do not dare to think too much into it..*
http://frstephenyim.blogspot.com/2010/04/2nd-sunday-of-easter-divine-mercy.html
.. joke of filling headache with something; story of hachiko..prayer for God’s mercy on the Church and that Jesus will come into our hearts to strengthen us with His love. let our wait will not be in vain. like Hachiko, we will be loyal and we will wait in faith. blessed are we who do not lose faith, in God, and in the Church.

God, my dearest Father in Heaven, please help me to keep the faith in You. when darkness falls, Your light continues to shine from above and sends starry lights to guide us through. just like king david who cried out to You in his darkness, i pray for that faith to arise in me to receive Your Guidance and Plan for me.. You Alone rules Heaven and Earth at Your Word. You will never give anything but the Best for us. so, Lord, i pray for faith to arise in my inner man, to look for the stars in the dark and trust in Your Rod to lead me through. all glory and praise to You, my Heavenly King, Creator of Heaven and Earth who deserves all honour! Glory to God in the Highest!

18 Apr 10 - 2nd service after Easter

web service has never been so 'captivating' than this morning.. ok, i know i should be physically in church sevvice, but bear with my late night hangover, ya? anyway i was planning to attend Mass but in the end, my darling sms me that he'll be attending CHC webcast.. since i have some 'spare time' from 10am CHC web service to 1130am Mass, i though i might as well join him and get myself prepared for the move of God..

never did i expect, i felt the real little little push that i should stay on web service instead. and it was wonderful! behind closed doors of my room with my 15.4" lappy at the head of my bed, i had a wonderful time in the Lord's Presence... of course, not to forget the virtual presence of my darling. neighbours who walked past my room would have wondered why i was singing praise and worship so loudly in my room, let alone my prayers and singing in tongues~! some quick msn interactions with darling (to ensure he's still awake and watching) ... i have never been so close to church in web service.. the Omnipresence of God is really unfathomable. if you seek Him with your heart, He will let you find Him.  :)

the sermon today is on forgiveness.. what a closely-related subject from which i've personally experienced His Grace during my depression period. how i was hurt, broken, devastated, how i struggled with forgiveness and letting God be my Judge. now, seeing how He has reversed my life from depression, i am just in awe of how much His Love for me. even though i know my darling loves me, but i dare declare no one loves me as much as my Father in Heaven. through it all, He is always and will be here for me to face situations with me, to guide and lead me through. the simple faith that if God leads me to it, He will lead me through it!

from the webcast, seeing so many brothers and sisters in Christ who decided to surrender their hurts and resentments to God, my heart just leap with such joy. i know and i know they will be overcomers in God and for God. God never practice favoritism. when He has done for me, i'm sure all of them will also be blessed and overwhelmed by His Love. Let God be the Judge and He will restore and rebuild you! His Word is true and everlasting!  :)

as for attending online service w my darling, well.. i really hope this will be start of a great testimonial for the Lord, how online service has brought the Presence of God down from Heaven and shower His love for us..  j, keep the faith, keep the fire of God burning..


suddenly this verse just come to me..

Isaiah 64:4

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. 
 

16 Apr 10 - changes in life

i was pondering n reflecting on my rship these days. i remembered my dear bro always told me how he's been praying for my love life - a guy who loves me more and provides for me. it kinda dawn upon me that 'hey, prayers do come true!'..  at the instant affirmation, i had the sudden urge to 'scold' my bro.. cos he forgot to exclude the nagging part fr the guy! his prayers really come true with the 'blessing' of having my darling who has been nagging at me~~ *my bro is really GOOD in PRAYERS! it's like he has this special connection to our Heavenly Father through prayers* i've never been so nagged at, ever! :(

i know he cares but i'm really not getting used to it.. add to the changes on my life, someone told me it's about time that i start to be 'DE-independent' cos i've been too independent for too long.. it's about time to be pampered.. gosh, talk about changes of life~

bro, u gotta help me out here with your prayers~~~ HELP~~~~~~~~~~~

14 Apr 10 - too fast too furious

woke up in a daze this morning even though it took mere seconds to remind me of what i had done last night.. honestly, i can still see mr I's hurt face in front of me *not a good morning greeting*.. i really feel damn bad about it..

some of u may join the speculation, together with mw, that i still feel for mr I and might even be 'regretting' on my current rship.. PLS! can u people give me some credits for the painful act i've done?

1) mr I was my ex-bf.. the one whom i spent happy (sad) memories with.. fyi, he happens to be my best ex-bf despite his silly mistake.. the one who fits my 5Cs though they seem impossible to fulfil.. even though we were together for a short period (compared to the other bfs), those times were really sweet and memorable, ok?
2) it's NOT easy to hurt someone i care.. i dont know abt you people, but making such decision has NEVER been my forte. i tried to plan out my speech, tried to anticipate his reaction but nothing could prepare me for the hurt n shock on his face.. he's always been a strong caring sensitive guy, it really hurts me to see him in that state, esp after all his efforts on me last night... *hey, ex-bf as he is but i can still feels for him, ya?*
3) NOT any guy can be my bf.. u people know how demanding i have been with my bf criteria.. when i have decided to be w mw, you should know i wont stray or sway from such impt decision! have you not know what rship meant to me? have u not read my blog entries?! am i that flickle-minded in such affair? seriously! how well have you people known me even though i've put all my thoughts and life into my blog?!!!
 *j, u got to cool down..*


anyway.. even though it's not a gd time to discuss abt this issue (i'm still feeling bad, remember?), my dear darling was daring enough to bring it up.. that really topped me up.. i'm totally overwhelmed and even lost for expression.. I HAVE MY CONCERNS!

- is it an impulse decision to satisfy man's ego or ownership/ possession, esp when it's 'threatened' by perceived someone?
- even with the yrs we have known each other by name, i have not known his family and friends yet! will there be enough chemistry and understanding to manage their expectations?
- it's only mere DAYS into official rship, i'm still trying to adapt to the bonding, esp being-looked-after by an older guy..
- i know i have my shadows casting over this rship.. that is precisely i want it slow now! enjoy dating, enjoy knowing each other before allowing another big wave to crash onto shore~ aren't things going a bit TOO SMOOTH to be true? *what comes fast goes fast*

13 Apr 10 - breaking the news

today is the day i've to do something 'bad'.. any misregard in my tone or manner, i will lose a good friend..

i can understand why darling is so worked up, anxious and even apprehensive about it, but i really hope he could trust me just a little bit more to do my part.. i know i mean the world to him, i can understand his fretful concern.. in fact, i know he has given in so much for me, i really hope i could use this opportunity to dote on him.. i just need his complete trust n support to fuel my courage..

saying such stuff is never easy *i never understand how rejection comes so easy for some*, at least NOT for me.. i really treasure the friendship we had.. even though we broke up after his silly mistake, i still value the friendship and even wonder how had he been.. now he's kinda 'back', yet i have to say 'no' to him.. can someone teach me how and what to say, without hurting the friendship bond we had? *come'on, i can forgive B for what happened, why cant i continue the gd rapport i have w mr I?*

in spite we talked abt it before - he will continue to be my gd friend in spite of whatever decision i make, but i still have to respect his interest and concern over past mths.. like what darling said, we hope to have his blessings on our rship; i just dont want to lose a friend... a good friend..

**************
reached home by 11pm.. i cant say i'm feeling good now, neither can i say he's feeling good after the news.. he kinda guessed it but to face it, i guess he was not prepared yet.. if u ask me, i'm feeling damn bad now.. my ex-bf who hurt me and now i'm kinda 'revenging'? trust me, there's no such thing as sweet revenge.. whatever i had to do, i've done and i'm really not feeling good for doing it..i know he spent quite a deal of efforts to plan this night out, his efforts to make this night enjoyable for me even though i was really late *it was truly enjoyable*..it was really hard to break the news to him..

hurt n surprised as he was, he understood and even gave his blessings.. but everything happens for a reason, there's a time for everything.. this was the first time i see mr I that sad..he tried to conceal, tried to joke over it, but i know .. he's not feeling good, not good at all.. no, i'm not regretting but it just hurts me to see someone i care in that hurt, let alone i was the culprit..

if there's consolation, i know and he knows we'll always be ard for each other as good friends.. *gosh, i really dont like this feeling!*

9 Apr 10 - mamma mia

pardon me, people.. but i'm damn HIGH now.. all cos of what-i-thought-a-crappy-show "Mamma Mia"! I've always love musicals (if u have doubts, it shows u really dont know me at all) and what makes a GREAT modern musical than Mamma Mia? when it was screened i have always thought it will be another crappy broadway cast on screen (cos i'd prefer to watch in real threatres), but when i watched it just now.. how wrong i have been!!

i like the bond between donna and sophie.. they are so sisterly, rather than motherly.. did i ever tell u that WAS my hope with my daughter? *anyway, heck, that's the past now* i like the fun-loving character of donna - though she's aged, she is just so beautiful as in her youth. totally wild yet accountable (mw commented similiarity in my character) *that's so sweet of him.. but i wonder how would he react if i'd to have 3 'husbands' turning up for my daughter's wedding?:p * ok, the music adds to the hype, but honestly i'm more attracted to liveliness of the characters.. each has such a free spirit to love, to forgive and to accept. what comes may, they are ready to embrace *gosh i love this spirit! how i wish i can be that carefree too~*

the scenery was great too.. wonderful cosy church.. it's very different to what i had in mind for mine, but i have to say: church on hill-top by the sea is always very enchanting. to creme this dream, the wedding reception is simply too improbable!! i really cant put it in words!! candlelight feasting under big shady tree, with all your love ones around you - family, relatives, friends (all fun-loving and spontaneous).. no need for posh dining or elaborated gown for parading (of course, the bride still has to be pretty at all times), even passing of food down the long table can be such a joy with a change to traditional course-by-course dining/buffet.. ok, i'm dreaming.. i know i'm dreaming.. being asian, practicality comes first, let alone i'm a freaking practical+demanding person.

after being in dreamland, my beloved bro excelled himself by providing me with this!

now you know how LOVELY my bro is~ spare me no mercy from the hype! all my efforts to educate him on practicality and logic going down the drain! *gosh, is this church not 'building church in the air'?* and from this link, i was so so BLESSED to be able to watch SUNRISE IN GREECE in REALTIME! (http://www.skopelosweb.gr/skopelos.html) seriously, even though it's thru internet, sunrise in skopelos island is sure to captivate you!

ok, too many unreal things in my life now.. j, u have to hang onto reality before becoming quixotic.. being laputan is not going to get u anywhere.. wakey wakey!

7 Apr 10 - i need all prayers i can have

i've been in a great whirlpool of thoughts and distractions this morning.. i've been trying to keep a secret fr u people, but it's not really working well here..

on mon, that day i rushed to airport in vain, i had the opportunity to check my emails and i've been OFFERED! for those who dont know, i attended my 1st n 2nd interview with a reputable IT company just before i went on this taiwan trip. those who knew will tell you how nervous and insecure i felt for this position - depression is one of the hindering factors. if not for trained distraction, i'd have slipped into nervous attack~ the moment i saw the email, i could have been arrested for terrorist alarm for screaming aloud in international airport! I LEAPED SO HIGH WITH SO MUCH JOY that the passenger in next pc terminal was wondering what happened! 

seriously, i cannot believe what's happening.. all these hype over this long weekend of Easter. first is slipping in rship despite my all-rationale resistance, second is this too-good-to-be-true job offer. honestly, i'm very skeptical.. i am still having doubts if this offer will be successful to its signing. everything is happening so fast, so unreal for me.. i am still reminding myself the possibility of offer withdrawal even though we have agreed and accepted verbally. i really have no faith to even peep down this seem-too-good-to-be-true path of rship and career.. can you people please keep me in prayers? i really have absolutely no faith to react to all these blessings.. thanks..

my bro told me to enjoy and take a step at a time, after-all all good things come from Jesus.. i confess i am the little one with no faith.. i know i have a lot to learn in receiving blessings.. till then, please, just keep praying for me, thanks! let all these hype of blessings be so real and true in paper, in everlasting reality..

6 Apr 10 - i'm SU now

to all concerned readers of j blog, i've just came back from taiwan after 5+1 days of road trip to various hotspring n mountain resorts. why '+1'? cos i had the great adventure of missing my flight on 5th day due to damn heavy traffic jam for 6hrs! (i arrived in airport at 1915hrs when my flight departed at 1910hrs.) anyway, this is not why i blog this entry..

throughout this trip, i have to say i'm totally pampered, well-taken care of and practically living off mw.. ok, my intention for this trip was to know him better, in the end i kinda fell so comfortably right into his 'trap' - i'm totally relying on him! for once, i really dont even bother to think or consider where/what to do/eat which is totally UNLIKE my controlling character! even with my dear old friends in taiwan, my situation awareness and planning was pretty much active all the time; with mw, i surprised myself on how i really trusted him n relied on him! to make things worse, we had good hearty chats every nights and the 'chemistry' was so comfortable and nice~ *i was very surprised that he actually wanted to adopt child into his family too!* i like the way he showers his concerns over me, even though he was so tired after a long drive everyday (we spent average of 4-5hrs on the road everyday).. one hand i'm telling myself to be rationale abt long distance rship; on another i know i'm falling right into a rship w mw.. and so i did.

what does it feel to fall in love yet afraid to love? that's what i'm feeling now.
i do like and very concerned for that pighead mw, but i also voiced my concerns over long distance. he listens and he understands my fear.. i know he loves me alot, to the extend that he's planning to find employment in singapore with long term prospect of settling down here~ trust me, he's really setting this plan cos of me.. am i blessed to have such caring guy to be so so ridiculously in love with me? yes, of course i am. but how do i feel? honestly, as i confessed to mw, i'm overwhelmed..i've always been the 'provider' in rship, it's kinda weird to enjoy such luxury of pamper from him now.. besides his injudicious pampering and care, i'm also in a whirlpool of amazement on how he provides analytic insights to my views yet accepting me for who i am. seriously, if not for my 1st C, i'd be totally convinced he'd be the one for me..

to be frank, he's so different from my 5Cs.. ok, he's not a Christian yet even though he's been attending NewLife Church w his colleague.. did i tell u how bizzare it was that he was 'invited' to NLC while sending his colleague to her cellgroup meeting? anyway, that's how God has arranged him to come to His calling... all i can say is he's still learning to walk with God and his efforts to learn is keen.. as for the other 4Cs, ok i must say he fulfilled 3 of them, the last C will be put to test if he settles down in singapore. unlike my previous bfs, he's more of 'studious' (nerdy) than a student leader type.he's just so different from them..

on my flight back, i surprised myself how i actually miss having him around me... serious! i thought it might just be a 'summer affair' afterall words are cheap (esp in such bewilderment) but it seems to be more than just a vortex..

to all who reads, i am now single yet UNavailable.   :)

pps: ok ok.. in response to those who read yet confused at my 'SU' status.. i'm attached now, alright? *tsk tsk*