27 Mar 10 - wld that make a difference?

someone wanted to know how's my love life now.. mr I or mw.. to be frank, i kinda loss for words myself too

let's start with mr I - after my 'evaluation', i know my attitude towards him changed.. and he kinda felt it. he even msg that he felt that we are drifting.. but, hello~, i rebuked back on his efforts to gain my trust.. i really dont feel it, let alone seeing it. where was and is he during weekends? busy with work on weekends that he cant spare for a meal or something? not that i'm complaining, but if someone is really keen to earn the trust, he/she will make time and effort, right?

as for mw.. he's like a big little boy. recently my ankle hurts due to old injury, and he's been so concerned and even nagging at me to take care of myself. *speaking for himself - what kind of care-taking by being hospitalized for so long?* anyway, ... ok, we've been chatting every night and i kinda look forward to our chat.. on another hand, i'm kinda scared too.. scare of feeling something for him..

i know he really likes (i forbid him to use the word 'love') and dotes on me very much.. to be frank, i really trust him too.. so much so that i told him abt my depression and my blog.. i know some of you will tell me to give him a chance, but i'm really scare.. scare of possible hurt.. after all he's very much different from the guys i used to date.. will that really be a difference in outcome? why does he like me so much in the first place??

20 Mar 10 - timing and attitude

looking at mr I's lifestyle, i really wonder what would i be if i choose to be with him. i mean, it's ok to befriend a rich 'abc' guy but to live with him is a total different ballgame. yes i know we tried a rship before, but that was so long ago when i was kinda 'abc' at young age. now, i'm more of a 'sbc' and 'abc' kinda turn me off coz of my stronger affection being chinese. *not worry i'm not nationalist, unlike some PRC  :P *
what drove such decisions.. well, let's just say.. i did my part of evaluation.

1) i did had a chat w him on 'dog vs cat' issue. afterall my hugo will never leave me, neither will his kitty gerger.. just as cat n dog has different lifestyles, mr I and i are of totally opposite world which attracts but could nvr merge. can u imagine me being a partner of a totally sociable successful banker? bear in mind that bankers are living in HIGH-life.. and not to mention, i always have a bad impression of bankers coz they tend to be either arrogant or plain spoiled brats (if you dont know mr I well, you will think he's very arrogant)

2) in comparison of mw's keen n consistent sincerity, mr I is really taking his own sweet time to regain my trust after i declared to provide a fair field for both. time n tide waits for no man; there's a time n season for everything.. perhaps now, i'm looking for a really serious stable rship, if i'd start with anyone. timing does play an impt role in every decision in life. to make things worse in this evaluation, i know mw will dote me more than mr I, and he really goes all out to arrange and treasure every opportunity to know me, to be with me..

3) last night mr I invited me to join him at his drinking session with his colleagues on the reason that he drank too much. honestly i was happy that he actually had the intention to introduce me to his social circle. when i arrived, i was kinda annoyed with the fact that he was still 'sober' to drink and chat yet making it sounded so urgent that he was drunk.. in the end, after joining 2 straight shots of tequila and some dance *it's not very nice to leave straightaway in front of his friends, right?*, i shared cab back home with his colleague when he's sober enough to drive himself home. yes, i know it's kinda silly to rush down to 'bail him' in vain.. but i was really uneasy with the fact that he lied abt being too drunk to get home. well, at least i done my part as a concerned friend who attempted to bail him out from his drunkenness (i guess we are even now?)..

seriously.. i still cannot trust mr I.. or know what is in his mind now. one side he seem really sincere to patch thing back; another he does not seem to be sensitive towards me. being with him it's a roller coaster ride..  i can feel so 'treasured' at one moment yet feeling 'indifferent' in another moment..

btw, did i mention that mw was sending his colleague back from work when his colleague invited him to his church meeting that very night? yes, he went and was happy to be in church.. seriously, i really dont know what to think now.. what is Father God planning?

15 Mar 10 - silly boys

i tell you, guys are silly.. at least the current 2 guys are in my life are silly.. one went childishly jealous by the fact he's physically miles away; another jumped into silly conclusion that i've 'given him up' cos i declared a cold war with him when he forgot abt Mass@CTK yesterday.

frankly i'm flattered by their silliness.. on another hand, i have to caution myself of their 'seriousness'.. as much as i told both that i'm leaving the whole issue to Heavenly Father, i have to do my part to keep it a fair field. sensitive delicate issue.. some say i'm pushing the responsibility to God.. but hey, firstly, this J has been a reputation of being 'religious' - if the rship is not blessed by Father Himself, i'd rather not have it. secondly, what 'decision' do u expect me to make? u have a solution for me??

anyway, i'm amused by their silliness.. and oh by the way,i have this feeling there'll be a newcomer to this game field.. yes, an old player to this field.. apparently he's been very free these days to come online FB and we even had a quick chat.. and he suddenly sent me 'update' on his work progress, his projects at hand.. as if to report to me.. gosh, 1st april is coming soon.. things might get more complicated than now..

13 Mar 10 - joy, double joy and triple joy!

"J celebrates 130310 with joy, double joy and triple joy! happy happi happi :) "

this is exactly how i felt when i finally reached home today.. ok, i know u r wondering what're the 3 joy.. 

 

1) Jason&Michelle's wedding  J&M Love Story

if u know me well, u'll know i love to attend Holy Matrimony, over those wedding dinner/lunch. marriage, in my personal opinion, is sacred, and nothing beats celebrating in the Presence of Heavenly Father. to me, marriage covenant is not really complete without His Blessings and His Presence as Witness. :) i know that's me - i just want my Heavenly Father to grace my wedding. that is very important to me. ..ok, that was the initial joy and to add more joy, Pst Meng was so such a good sport when he preached the sermon. *i really like his sermon message and greatly blessed by it, can i engage him to be my wedding pastor?*

 

2) Wedding Lunch

i must say, this wedding lunch is the best i've ever had. the food is simply of high quality, from appetizers to desserts. though it's only of 20tables *yes a very private lunch*, it's held in a such a relaxing ambience in such comfortable manner.. totally western-style, if i may comment. great food, great live music and fun games to play as a group (not sabotaging the newly-wed).. it nearly felt like a private 'DnD' .. oh yes, did i mention i LOVE the photography montage which is SO LIFESTYLE that it includes their little maltese dog oscar? it's just so so natural n sweet, and they are not even posing for any shoot!! simply love it! *i'll SURE engage this photographer, if i ever need his service~* seriously, no posing, just natural natural shoots of their love. not to mention, her wedding gown is simply gorgeous!! not commercially designed!! in fact she co-designed it with her bridal studio @ normal package rate..of course, i shared her pain when she was in such headache months ago, but i can tell u the result is definitely worth it! every piece of gown is so so her! the whole wedding's so their style - classy, simple and comfortable~ *i really admire them and cant help envy Michelle :P*

3) Arise&Build 2010

after a totally blissful lunch *i really like their lemongrass creme brulee!*, i had this feeling to postpone my coach-FION shopping trip for attendance at chc service. i mean, hey, i'm with churchmates and some of them were going service, why not take a ride? so i did and the rest are just PHENOMENA waves of Heavenly blessings!

how i resisted the homely feeling when i entered the hall... how i resisted God's Touch during praise&worship.. but He sure knows how to open my heart.. nothing and no one knows how much this song means to me, except Him. immediately, i fell under the power of Holy Spirit, took a few steps aback (nearly collasped onto the floor).. tears rolled, but it's not tears of sadness or misery.. but tears of joy, really joy of acceptance and assurance.. yes, Father, i will be still and know that You are God. 

even though i'm having interesting courtships, He assures me that He has planned the one for me - the one who loves God too. very often, i was easily distracted by all the attention and even compromised on my very essential criteria that i seem to forget God is in control. as long as i stay in His Love, keep the faith, i know my God will provide :) let my focus be onto the matters of eternal value - God of Eternal Love.

what can please my heart more than to serve and honour Him? all i can say i'm just so so so honoured to be beckoned back at this time! i have been backsliding, slacking on my spiritual life.. seriously, people, everything happens for a reason and He has been watching over my life - every tiny details of it. i'm so honoured to be called back and able to participate in this yr's A&B! :) giving up purchase of branded bags has never been so joyful than now. :)

11 Mar 10 - what is happening EXACTLY!?

it sounds like life-and-death.. it's scaring me out.. for past 6hrs, my mobile internet connection has been kept online, waiting for his reply, or rather his brother's reply..

at 4pm today, i received a FB msg from mw profile, written by his brother (yes he does have a younger brother).. at first i was skeptical if this is a prank, but his words were sincere.. he introduced himself and even relayed mw's 'nag' to me, the last nag i heard from him.. i'm concerned. i'm really concerned.. what sickness is he suffering that he cannot come to the pc, that he has to allow his brother access to contact me on FB? something is not right.. yet the most annoying of all, his brother just replied "我哥他....不太好......!!這兩天他都沒在用電腦了!" you people, tell me how to feel, what to think?!

i cant say i panicked, but i am really VERY CONCERNED! no one is telling me anything about what's happening to mw.. that damn guy is really annoying me so much, to think that he can just shut me up with 'it's ok i can take care of myself' after all these!?!?  can someone tell him to REALLY TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF?! what on earth is happening to him? pneumonia or what?!? how serious he is now that he cannot answer my calls (always connected but rejected) or come online?! this is really driving me NUTS! 

ok, i did prepare myself for a flight over next weekend, but i also know this will be THE END of me if i do. i know i can fly over as a friend, as a concerned friend, like i used to do.. but what will he or his family think? seriously, i really do not want to add complication to this complex situation. can someone tell me what's happening to mw now, so i can stop this worry? i resist the temptation to ask mr I for advice *J, that will be totally insane!*, so my next available choice is to come to my blog *really hope it'll help*....  whether it is concern or something more - i do not want to speculate or evaluate now. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING!! THE TRUTH!

*************
9.20am on 12Mar10 morning. my phone rang, displaying mw's name.. i quickly answer it! ... his voice is very weak, but i'm glad he's still talking.. still in hospital, still not telling me the truth on his sickness.. *what is the problem with this guy!* from a 5mins call to a short msn v-chat, i can feel his happiness to be able to hear and see me again.. i kept asking on his sickness, he kept avoiding and assuring he will take care of himself.. i know he misses me, but i really want him to be well and healthy again! seriously, what is in this guy's mind?! first is mr I's mind, now him?? what's wrong with my suitors?!? ... i really need a truthful answer..

4 Mar 10 - come totally 'nude'

he is confident.. in fact, he's gloating at the fact that he's in singapore whereas he's not. even with my firm distrust in guys, i can feel he's really sorry for what happened..  he tried to contact me 1yr ago thru friendster and even icq *i've totally stopped using for a decade!*  with a reason being i was the first person to his mind when he needed someone to talk to *i didnt tell him that he was also the first person i used to think of whenever i need someone to talk to, even after his silly mistake*  then as conversation went, i re-empahsized the sincerity of the other, it kinda put him off.. i cant help it, being with mr I, i know i can be totally frank with him without any concerns, even now.. and so i did- "what if i choose him over u?".. "gosh, that hurts.. that will hurt. but i want you to be happy and will respect your decision".. "still friends?" "yes, still friends.. no matter what's your decision, we will be friends" .. i confessed i am more comfortable with him, but i also confessed that mw's sincerity+ his plan to relocate has kinda touched me *come'on, people, how many girls will be so frank to her suitors? at least i am. frankly speaking, it helps to lessen my 'stress' on this issue too*  ..  and he totally understands my situation with openness (this is one of the things i like about him - not jealous/ sticky, but with total rationale *just like my character, perhaps that's why aqua-libra is best combination*)


i have always enjoyed mr I's company since i knew him years back in sec sch.. i cant out-talk him, but i know i can always turn to him with my problems/concerns and he'll always give logical insights with lotsa patience (our friendship was so close that my first bf was kinda pissed off with him as his classmate)..seriously, if i am not in rship with him, he will be the greatest 'threat' to my partner cos of the closeness and openness we share..

many of you keep asking me who do i like, knowing very well that i cant reply. or rather, is it too early to make such decision? i know someone will be hurt at my decision.. all i can do now is to make this a fair field as possible for everyone. i'm not 'showing off' my suitors but what i really want is to 'update' each other on his rival(s) in this dating game. i strictly follow my rule of thumb: it's always good to understand macro-environment before micro-management. ultimately, the one who understands, accepts and persists thru this 'competition' will be left standing, right? so, let's take a step at a time, ya? please do not ask me such question again.

oh, if there's any good news from last night honest chat... mr I is willing to meet me for CTK Mass on Sunday.. cant tell u how it'll mean a lot to me, but i wont pin any hope till it materialises.. let us just wait n see.

9 Mar 10 - whom will i see?

ok my life is getting more interesting from this day on...

i finally caught hold of mw online, finally relieved that his fever is under control (still in hospital) and finally gotten his home address *wink*  ... he pressed me for my good news which i mentioned in my msg left for him, and i replied it's my performance incentive awarded by my boss, which is obviously TRUE! *that boss of mine gave me a small incentive - in sg's standard of living- for my good attitude.. i'm just so good, seriously~* anyway, the truth is ... ... ok, i shall save this secret to myself :p  tell you when the time is ripe..

in midst of these, mr I came online.. and asked me for a movie~ ok, that's not all.. he posed another shocking qn *i suspect he really enjoys giving sudden shocking qns~* "do you see us together again?".. in that instant i was 70% frozen but thank God for the heat these days, i thawed very fast indeed.. "do you?" i asked him back.. "yes i do" was his reply.. and i froze again *OH MY GOODNESS, mr I is really serious, aren't he?* i decided to postpone this conversation till i'm defrost for a better time.. omg omg..

i told you it's getting more interesting for u people, at my expense~!! the Only Person who can help me now is my dear Heavenly Father! bro, pray for a distinctive clear direction ok??

8 Mar 10 - loss of words

for those of you who dont know, mw is hospitalised since fri for pneumonia. i know he doesnt want me to worry but by withholding details from me is not helping either. i was out on friday night when i got this news.. as much as i know he has to go thru this himself, but i couldnt help wondering how was he.. i sent several sms and even called once .. i guess, due to no-mobile-in-hospital rule, his mobile was not on.. and it took him hours to reply.. 

in fact, when he finally came online on his lappy from hospital on sat night, i was happy to hear some live news from him (finally!!).. even though i was at a gathering then, my mobile msn connectivity was comforting enough.. on sun, we stayed online v-chat despite the freaking fact that it's SO HOT that i really couldnt be bothered to chat with him online.. in fact, i practically left my camera on (he's connected) while i went to lazed on my sofa n tv.. but in the end, i kinda picked a quarrel with him *trust me, it's the heat+boredom results* and he just hung up (i was watching tv then, totally ignorant till i checked my msn)

what really bothers me now is he's totally OFFline and NOT answering my calls! ok, this is getting on my nerves.. my bro said, for past 2yrs, he has never seen me so concerned over a guy.. and yet, this baka mw is getting on my nerves cos he didnt take care of himself and even landed in hospital!! what the heck is he doing to himself?? or what the heck am i doing to myself? why should i care?


i do care.. for some very logical reasons: 
1) he fell sick cos of me - he shielded me from the cold wind n rain during our genting trip, even gave up his jacket to keep me warm *it was really VERY COLD ok, i'm not faking*
2) i didnt notice his fever when we returned fr msia - i know he looks tired n weak after msia trip, but i trusted his words that he's ok and went on with all the gatherings in singapore *ok, i'm not a very sensitive friend but hey, he did say he's ok* if only he rested, perhaps his flu will be better and not worsen to pneumonia..

i m really freaking myself out too.. i actually care to the extent i wanted to send him a get-well gift, till  i realised i do not have his ward details, neither his home address.. add to the fact that he is staying uncontactable, i've no way to bless him or apologise to him with gift.. seriously, J, what is the heck are you doing to yourself?!!

3 Mar 10 - dating vs meet-up

dont know why.. but i'm not really happy today. somehow i felt so sandwiched..

mr I and i had a good chat last night. he finally get the picture that there's party B and even party C in this woo game. after what happened, even though his thick brain finally realised he's not alone, i cant say i'm happy that he finally understand the situation. i know he likes me, even wanted me to be his gf (he tried to ask but somehow the question just does not come out). i know i like him yet i cant be sure i'd like to spend my rest of life with him. complicated? yes i know. that is why i'm starting to get this frustration. why rship cant be simple? why human including myself is so complicated?

on one hand, i know i'm falling for mw cos of his sensitivity and stability; on another, i admit i still feel for mr I. afterall mr I knew me as much as an bf would, and did i mention he's perfect fit into my 5Cs? *oh yes, mr I said he would attend Mass with me if we're in rship :) ... and so does mw who is 'looking forward' to fulfill my 1st C*   should i be happy for such triangular rship? should i just be harsh on myself before any of them get hurt? some say i'm drawn towards mw, others told me it's clear that mr I is my choice.. which is which? i bet i'm the only one who can answer this qn. so, J, what's ur answer?

what is 'dating' to you people? i guess i really lost touch of dating cos when more than 1 guy is in this game with me, it kinda freaking me out now. i worry about the future.. who will get hurt? i'm not even in exclusivity and i'm freaking out.. i dont want to 'make use' of either of them just bcos i'm dating.. in fact, i wonder how can dating not be exclusive? if it's not exclusive, can i not regard as dating but as 'meeting up'? the word 'dating' has such commitment implication which is making me so complicated~

2 Mar 10 - 想得寵幸

i know it's silly.. but i was really fuming when he told me he is having mild pneumonia, after morning visit to his doc!! from cough to pneumonia!!! even when i was coughing for months, i also didn't get pneumonia!! how could he not taking care of himself! i was really very angry with him (again!).. thankfully he's on medical leave today, resting at home, lest i'll be SO angry with him! SERIOUSLY!! to the extent that a freaking stupid thought floated accross my mind - to fly over this weekend! WHAT THE HECK!!


but as we chatted further (he regretfully, me annoyingly), i sense and i know he will be take care of himself now *seriously, why cant guys take care of themselves?* .. he also regrets of his behaviour last night *he better be!* and he said sorry. i know 'i am sorry' is not a big deal for a guy to say, let alone typing on msn. but the sincerity of it really can be felt and meant alot to the receiver. i know he is sorry. BUT, being J, i want him to know why he did that, the true reason.. u have to know the truth, the true motivation before u can make any changes. u cannot believe how i drill for a good logical reason - "bewitched" "act of rush" or whatever is totally NOT accepted. 

finally..after 3hrs of interrogation, the real reason is
瑋-@Home says:
 小太監想要娘娘的寵幸...

i smiled at my lappy screen.. finally he recognizes the reason of his behaviour.. finally he sees the cause of his 'childishness'. in return, i was frank to reveal my hurt last night.. well, it sure saddened him a lot for hurting me. however, for me, t'm just glad that both of us can be so honest and direct to each other. everyone errs, so do i. what i hope in every mistake and hurt, is the opportunity to learn and improve. i hope mw feels the same too. 

Psa 30:5

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

1 Mar 10 - online quarrel

i looked forward to 10pm last night - the appointment time to chat w mw (we tried to end our chat by 11pm. since his return, he has been sick and unable to have a good rest cos of his work and i really hope he'll get more rest for recovery.) anyway, i was really looking forward to our chat.. until i saw his comments on my FB wall that gave me the first sign of uneasiness "up to you". what does that suppose to mean? when i told him about my decision on NOT going taiwan in April, he was still chirpy (though relectantly) about it. and all was only few hours ago, when i knocked off from work...

nevertheless, i waited for him to initiate msn chat (he usually does).. i saw him online in FB but yet there is no response in msn.. i wonder, i really wonder.. by right, he should be looking forward to chat too, but he was not even responding to my 'hello?' or 'u r ok?'.. my mind started to wonder if he that sick that he cant be online.. i know he has been coughing badly and feverish, has it taken a worsen turn? it's already 10.25pm.. i was really concerned.. to the extent i almost wanted to call him on his mobile. it was then that he finally responded to my msn.

it's compelling, confusing and hurt to chat w him.. the tension built up so fast that i knew and i knew he was angry..really angry and upset.. about me. what have i done? what has he read in my blog that upset him so much? he cant accept my past?? believe it or not, i felt so nervous and confused.. what happened? what have i done? why his attitude changed so drastically, afterall it's mere 4hrs since our last chat?

i didnt probe. i know he will tell me if he wants me to know, and i DO want to know. in the end, he finally opened his frustration.. as i half-suspected, he's upset with my decision of not going taiwan. *frankly i like the way he 'initiated' his explaination, i must say it was really tactful, rather than screaming/complaining straight to the point.*  ok, so he started his explaination well, but u cannot imagine the hurt i felt when he concluded that he's of no significance to me, taking reference that i could travel to meet my taiwanese friends for a chat or meal, but yet i chose to cancel my april trip cos of him. that perspective really hurt me..

if u know me well enough, my confrontation to hurt is withdrawal. even though his words hurt, i decided to follow his assumption to undermine him even though it will hurt him more. i know he is really very sick and very weak (it's been a week), i can understand how much he'd like me to comfort him now.. i know he really looked forward to spend time with me in April in taiwan, i can sense his sincerity and eagerness.. but what can i do when it is going to be a LD rship? .. being logical, perhaps this was a good opportunity to pull down his hopes and concerns for me. it was really hurtful to agree with his 'conclusion' but i know what has to be done has to be done. i know he was behaving like a baby, saying words he does not mean in protest of my decision, but i .. i really cannot be around for him when he needs me. that is a fact. in the end, my long looked-foward chat ended in 5mins. i just cannot stand the way he was making such conclusion - it hurts. and i really didnt want to argue or quarrel with him - it will not help his recovery.

alone on my bed, i cried.. yes, u read it right. i cried. i dont even know why i cried. i just dont like him hurting himself with his own assumption, i really dont like him for not taking care of himself. yet, i also do have my reasons for not going taiwan (the key issue he was rattling on). i'm afraid. in a way, i know i'll enjoy spending time with him (he has always been caring for me, putting my interests before his); in another, i'm totally scared that this dating will develop into something exclusive..

i'm not saying exclusive rship is not good. but what's the point of starting when it will not last? look at him last night, he wanted my assurance and comfort in his sickness, yet we ended up in such an argument. how more hurtful will the future arguments be if we are in exclusive rship?! i'm scare.. really scare hence i rather forgot my trip. it's not about the coming strong storms in April (i used as my excuse) which i'm already used to it *storms really follow my travel plans closely*, it is really more of i'm scare to meet him even though i kinda want to see him again, to be with him..

like what my cousin said, i'm falling for him.. yes, i know i am.. i enjoy his chat, enjoy how well he actually know me - my feelings, my thoughts *he really surprised me* and i really enjoy 'feeling' his virtual presence beside me whenever we chat and i am getting into this 'hope' to have him around me in person.. i just know what he will say, how he will react to my replies... sigh.. i also know i'm not ready for the real thing, i have to help myself from falling deeper.. though it hurts now, it will worth it. it's better this way