30 Dec 10 - a new year, a new title

SINGLE LADIES ONLY> have you ever how it would be like to 'settle down'? another phrase of life?

honestly i do not have any excitement or fireworks when it happened. in fact, half of j was wondering if i've said the wrong thing; another half was knocking serious senses into my head. what must be done for me to appreciate someone who really loves me so much, someone who stays firm in his decision despite my pushing and cold rejection treatments, someone who understands me and my godforsaken history of love hurts.. this question raved in my mind when guoqing asked that question again..

u know how uncomfortable i was when he's in singapore, how i dread to face his affections hence ignored his existence.. yet through it all, he endured the freezing treatment and decided to wait no matter what happens, as long as i'm happy and hurt-free. frankly, i felt really real bad after his return. afterall i know loving is hurtful, not to mention loving someone who had up-front rejected and kept giving cold treatment..

perhaps everything is indeed in His plan - i dont understand why the sudden 'urge' to go taiwan for Christmas week. the urge just came SO SUDDEN that my colleagues were shocked. my temp staff - jiaxin took the liberty of being my secretary to search for flights and even arranged the timing.. everything happened so swift and smooth that i actually got a very good itinerary WITHIN 5MINS, DEPARTING IN 48HRS, at a reasonable price! i was still in amazement when i saw the e-tickets. that was really very impulsive purchase~! yet, somehow i know i ve to make this trip... and as if it's inevitable, i spent all these time with him, to know him better..

after all the heart-to-heart talks on our lifestyles, perspectives, differences and expectations, i didnt realise i'm so much like him (he's older).. we are just big kids refusing to grow up. of course, he really hid his maturity well behind those cheeky face and witty (lame) words. when i thought i knew him well for 16yrs, he surprised me with his maturity and his sensible chain of thoughts and sensitivity in care. *guys,pls dont be too cheeky* what really hit me in my face was his firm willingness to wait for my recovery, his piety love for my whole family and his really-thought-through mind on knowing what,who,how he wants in life. it's very clear n organised, hard to believe they're from the persistent 'annoying' truehearted admirer whom i ignored weeks ago.. he really knows what he wants in life and how.. in that instant, i feel and i know my drifting boat can finally rest at its dock.

even when my logical self refuted the peaceful joy based on my 5Cs requirement, i felt a sudden enlightenment that he's the bridge i've been looking for. his love for me shows him the way to Christ my Lord, and his piety love will open the door to reach my family. i'm not suggesting of using my marriage to evangelise *i'm NOT that evangelical, ok~!* but the realisation just dawned, yes really dawned upon me like sunrise in the dark.. somehow, the whole sunrise picture just flood in my mind. somehow, nothing else is that important anymore.. i know we'll face it together, i really mean TOGETHER~

yes, i'm going to be Mrs Yeh soon..

22 Dec 10 - doctors' day

i finally get to rot at home today.. initially i was planning to go back to work after my psych appt, but as the time ticked past, the lethargic spell got me so i called in for a whole day off. *i bet my boss will be jumping mad today cos it's really a sudden rest decision. but hey, i kinda deserve it, right?*

anyway, my psych was kinda happy that i had bad dreams past nights. to him, they are signs of 'coming out' to face my subconscious after months of burying myself in work. again, his advice is to 'walk it out', 'just do it'.. ya, my rationality also tells me so, and i've been trying to control my emo.. yet when the dreams hit me so vividly, all my defence just immobilised. how can anyone be sensibly sound when you wake up in cold sweat several times a night, or wake up in shivers? doc said dreams are my brain-at-work and it's obviously thinking of minwei all these time.. now it's its time to surface.

doc asked me if i ever want to contact him again, 'of course' is my answer. but i know i dont have the courage - the courage to face any direction than it is now. doc supports me on my wait for him but he also advises marriage is not about loving that person. *not loving the person yet living the rest of my life with him?! how can anyone do so?!* giving his 'ten-pence advice' (i paid alot for it!), he concluded i'm living by my own standards of certainty where reality is about living in faith. whatever his advice, i'm just glad that he prescribed a stronger sleep pill for my rest. *seriously, i really thank whoever invented the miracle pill~ it's a saviour to active wild brain* ok, i know i'm kinda addicted to the sleep pills which i cant sleep without. trust me, i tried... life without my pills are horribly scary.

21 Dec 10 - 在愛情裏我最不怕的就是距離

read a lot of my feelings on this site http://feelstory.lovequotes.no-ip.net
somehow, i managed to fight back my tears n depression after reading.. it's a tough fight cos every article touches my heart, stirring my missing for minwei esp the article about long dis rship - 分居兩地的愛戀，才是最真的。

i know it's the same feeling for someone who loves me yet have to see me in this pain.. i suppose this is the way my love life is - to love. i really love darling but i can never understand how can he choose to hurt me so much.. to let me go after years of 'thinking of' me.

for those of you who have my fb, just read my wall.. cos i'm really on the verge of crying for my darling now. perhaps it's meant to be so, cos tmr morning i'm meeting my psychiatrist for follow up... i'm not getting any better, am i?

19 Dec 10 - another sleepless night

i cant sleep.. scare to sleep n i know i cant take my sleep pills forever..

i didnt take last night n i kept dreaming of minwei the whole night.. i was in taiwan looking for him, lost my way.. totally lost.. i hugged tight to hugo (yes, he was in the dream just as he was beside me physically), longing for my darling (his 'dad'; he claimed hugo to be his 'son') i cried helplessly on the street.. my heart pained so much that i woke up in tears. for the rest of the night, i hugged hugo so close to my chest n kept going to n fro that dream.. i was so scare that i remember i woke up in shivers.. so much so that i cant help but to take my pills to stablise myself.

i really miss minwei.. i know he's in US this wk cos of his msn updates (i know i shouldn't be concerned but..) so much missing that my heart aches the same as it first hurt. i'm so awake now, even though i know i'm tired. i simply cant sleep.. i really didnt want to take the pills but i know i have to, after this blog entry.

yes, people, i hear you. i know it's silly to wait for someone who might not return but this is what i've decided... what is 4 months compared to the years that i will be waiting for this miracle? after all, how can i 'love' another person while still missing and deep in love with minwei? minwei minwei.. this names has been calling in my mind for days, esp today.. i really miss him so much, what should i do?

15 Dec 10 - to love or be loved

someone adviced me today that it's 'better' to be selfish - be with someone who will stands by me and dotes on me, rather than waiting for someone who might stand by me. taking such a risk now is not favourable for my mental and emotions.. which i know she's right, in a sense.

but how to live with someone when my heart is dead? or expecting another miracle?? yes, i dont deny i still think of minwei, still miss him and even dreamt of him.. yet i also know i have to move on. no matter how 'hopeful' or shattered i am, i have to live on for the sake of.. i dont know. i dont dare to think beyond tmr.

i know guoqing dotes and cares a freaking BIG DEAL of me, insisting and persisting i'm the one for him.. but is he the one for me? i really dont dare to think. once i thought so, but it didnt happen. twice i thought i could trust and rely on the 'power of love', and twice it hurts me so much.. i really dont dare to think of settling down anymore, let alone being with someone who really loves..

in next 48hrs, i have a decision to make.. a decision of a lifetime. i wish i could be 'noble' and 'sacrifice' for love but am i ready for this big change? i used to believe in love, used to believe in loving someone whom i trust fully and totally.. i used to believe and hopeful in rship, to find a 'harbour' for my drifting boat *ok, maybe a yacht cos u people thinks i'm high-maintenance girl* whatever the belief i had, i am left with whatever-belief now.

maybe i may make the wrong decision, end up lonely and emotional unstable for rest of my life, but i know there'll always be my friends, very good friends and buddies around for me. maybe i may make the right decision, but will there really be happiness in stored for me? the one i love told me he needs time to think, told me our lifestyles are incompatible (i freaking object!); i'm telling the one who loves me i need time to think, telling him our lifestyles are incompatible (i really believe so!).. F! why am i in this F mess?!?

11 Dec 10 - kinda weird today

just came back from a joyous wedding dinner of Mr n Mrs John Lai. trust me, they are so fun-loving that the whole dinner was more of d&d.. u cant help but to love this couple - their openness, sportiness and totally friendliness from the heart. what used to be my most admirable - sword bearing march-in, is now replaced but their dance-in. of all the crazy weddings i've attended, this is the best proper-fun of all. no sabotage, no making a din.. just pure entertainment and surprises from the newly-wed. (can you believe - the bride played a song on saxophone as a surprise gift to bridegroom~!) all the secret efforts of training and perfecting~!! i really admire their love for each other.. really happy for them.

at the same time, while i was seated with my god-family.. i felt kinda weird. i didnt want to bring guoqing along but yet i cant leave him alone at home on wkends, right? on one hand, i was afraid that people might regard him as my bf; on another i'm trying hard to fight back the thoughts n 'wishes' that minwei was here with me, joining this fun celebration. i'm glad to be 'back' with my god-family.. even though i've 'left' the family for ages, i'm glad to see everyone again (even though i hardly know some~). all i felt was 'this is a family', the family who saw me thru my dark days n bright days...but somehow something in me just dont want them to see my current dim days. this bottomless faithless pit..

i dont know why but i ended up sharing bits of my anger with edison (an matured caring uncle in the rcia family). being the typical instrument of God, his words reminded me of how i used to trust God in bad times. yet, having totally faithfless and hardened, i guess i need more than 'counselling' to open up that Godly faith again. i know He has His plan, to not harm but to give me joy. but i just dont see any possibility of any lasting joy - not in the past, present or future. dont know what His plan are but .. i've given up on what He thinks.

23 feb 2011.. a date which seem to be beckoning me back to rcia. but will i?/ am i ready to open that door again?? have i grown so comfortable with my darkness that His light does not matter anymore? .. confession of a backslider. yes, i'm totally faithless now.. if God is Love, love hurts me to my very core of faith.

10 Dec 10 - 爱本来就是一场梦，梦醒后一切亦空，被这爱情捉弄

i chanced upon this caption.. and 'fell in love' with it. why is my love life so complicated?? all i ever wanted is a lasting rship where trust and communication of paramount importance.

but anyway...  i know i'm rather emo today. i just want to be alone hence i took an urgent leave from work. i guess i really need my solace time before i really snap out (i'm already living on last strings).. somehow, in midst of my reflection, my mind was totally spaced out.. thoughts of minwei, ian or guoqing tried to squeeze in but i just went blank.. totally lifeless. 

ian said i'm blessed to have someone loving me so much.. but it's too late. i've given up the very last chance of loving, of rship.. not that i'm pessimistic, but i guess 'having my own family' is not planned into my life. if u ask me now, i'd frankly and openly confess to you that i'm very scared of rship. so scared that i'd rather be alone all my life.. somehow since young, in my bones, i just knew 'happily ever after' is not my story ending.. true enough.. i'm tired.. 

guoqing said i'm still waiting... yes, i am still waiting.. for a miracle of love mercy. love hurts. i dont know about you people - how love had hurt you; but i sure has enough of its painful pranks. there was once i 'got over' yet ended up being hurt.. most hurtful ever. even bosco didnt hurt my core of faith and heart but this time, love did its ultimate show-hand on me. 

sorry.. i doubt i can get over this time.. i still love him and miss him..

03 Dec 10 - can a dog n cat be in love?

throughout my wild dancing night (fyi i went modiva again~), my mind dashed between minwei and ian... despite the fact that guoqing was with my group, my whole attention was not not on my dance moves but on minwei and ian..

minwei - he loves my son. or shall i say, i think he really did love my son. whenever we went past pet shop, he knew and he remembered to get something for my son.. i love the way he treasured hugo, as my son. though hugo's is rather a spoilt brat, but he accepted him as who he is and willing to spend time to 'gain his trust' for our rship.

ian - he's like a cat (in fact, he has a cat) being a typical cat, he's too independent and mysterious for rship, let alone 'wooing' my dog son. i can literally picture him being the 'hey,he's yours to handle' of a 'father'. as a matter of fact, i doubt my son will like him in the first place - kitty scent. but .. i do like him... someone i care all these yrs for the longest ever..

wtf.. someone i care vs someone i love... i really love n miss minwei.. but ultimately, i know it's his decision to make. i will always love him.. with the love i dote on my hugo, i am willing to dote on the 'father' of my son..  however so, i doubt he'll ever appear in my life..

02 Dec 10 - i cant sleep, even after my miracle pills~

tonight's dinner was company welcome treat to my foreign HR counterparts (they are here for training).  nothing can goes wrong with singapore's famous chilli crabs..  not becos i ate alot nor too little, hence my insomnia. but the reality check of seafood dinner - it brings me back to my seafood dinner with darling minwei.. chilli crabs, pepper crabs n even butter crabs.. whatever its presentation tonight, i just could not keep my mind away from those days.. that seafood night.. trust me, i tried as hard as i could to stay sociable and interactive but.. i simply miss minwei.

i know.. in the eyes of all of you who care for me, he's not worthy of my remembrance' but i really love him alot, not to mention he really didnt handle it well.. to sum up, i still miss him.. sometimes i could push these 'reminders' away, but in the face of crabby feast, i really wished he was here with me.. how he enjoyed the chilli crabs, messing his fingers.. how happy he was, his laughter..

listening to 'love songs on class95' is definitely not helping as he (once) enjoyed listening to all these soft lovely songs with me via internet radio.. how he appreciated those opportunities to listen to the same song with me.. gosh, this is so not helping.. hence i decided to switch to my usual classical music, may the strings of violin take these memories into the wind....

as i started to 'relax', another concern arises.. ian... he was kinda upset that his colleague (new friend fr gun club) disclosed that he is currently in a rship.. i questioned him.. it took him 3days to sms back. when he did, he was really concerned for me, abt us.. *j, u r just such sucker under his concern* though i should give him a chance to explain (i'd love to~) but this might just be the 'sign' that i should seriously re-consider his sincerity.

sigh.. from missing minwei to reconsidering ian.. when will my wondering mind ever settle down tonight?.. i really need to sleep, no matter how awake i am..