30 Dec 10 - a new year, a new title

SINGLE LADIES ONLY> have you ever how it would be like to 'settle down'? another phrase of life?

honestly i do not have any excitement or fireworks when it happened. in fact, half of j was wondering if i've said the wrong thing; another half was knocking serious senses into my head. what must be done for me to appreciate someone who really loves me so much, someone who stays firm in his decision despite my pushing and cold rejection treatments, someone who understands me and my godforsaken history of love hurts.. this question raved in my mind when guoqing asked that question again..

u know how uncomfortable i was when he's in singapore, how i dread to face his affections hence ignored his existence.. yet through it all, he endured the freezing treatment and decided to wait no matter what happens, as long as i'm happy and hurt-free. frankly, i felt really real bad after his return. afterall i know loving is hurtful, not to mention loving someone who had up-front rejected and kept giving cold treatment..

perhaps everything is indeed in His plan - i dont understand why the sudden 'urge' to go taiwan for Christmas week. the urge just came SO SUDDEN that my colleagues were shocked. my temp staff - jiaxin took the liberty of being my secretary to search for flights and even arranged the timing.. everything happened so swift and smooth that i actually got a very good itinerary WITHIN 5MINS, DEPARTING IN 48HRS, at a reasonable price! i was still in amazement when i saw the e-tickets. that was really very impulsive purchase~! yet, somehow i know i ve to make this trip... and as if it's inevitable, i spent all these time with him, to know him better..

after all the heart-to-heart talks on our lifestyles, perspectives, differences and expectations, i didnt realise i'm so much like him (he's older).. we are just big kids refusing to grow up. of course, he really hid his maturity well behind those cheeky face and witty (lame) words. when i thought i knew him well for 16yrs, he surprised me with his maturity and his sensible chain of thoughts and sensitivity in care. *guys,pls dont be too cheeky* what really hit me in my face was his firm willingness to wait for my recovery, his piety love for my whole family and his really-thought-through mind on knowing what,who,how he wants in life. it's very clear n organised, hard to believe they're from the persistent 'annoying' truehearted admirer whom i ignored weeks ago.. he really knows what he wants in life and how.. in that instant, i feel and i know my drifting boat can finally rest at its dock.

even when my logical self refuted the peaceful joy based on my 5Cs requirement, i felt a sudden enlightenment that he's the bridge i've been looking for. his love for me shows him the way to Christ my Lord, and his piety love will open the door to reach my family. i'm not suggesting of using my marriage to evangelise *i'm NOT that evangelical, ok~!* but the realisation just dawned, yes really dawned upon me like sunrise in the dark.. somehow, the whole sunrise picture just flood in my mind. somehow, nothing else is that important anymore.. i know we'll face it together, i really mean TOGETHER~

yes, i'm going to be Mrs Yeh soon..

22 Dec 10 - doctors' day

i finally get to rot at home today.. initially i was planning to go back to work after my psych appt, but as the time ticked past, the lethargic spell got me so i called in for a whole day off. *i bet my boss will be jumping mad today cos it's really a sudden rest decision. but hey, i kinda deserve it, right?*

anyway, my psych was kinda happy that i had bad dreams past nights. to him, they are signs of 'coming out' to face my subconscious after months of burying myself in work. again, his advice is to 'walk it out', 'just do it'.. ya, my rationality also tells me so, and i've been trying to control my emo.. yet when the dreams hit me so vividly, all my defence just immobilised. how can anyone be sensibly sound when you wake up in cold sweat several times a night, or wake up in shivers? doc said dreams are my brain-at-work and it's obviously thinking of minwei all these time.. now it's its time to surface.

doc asked me if i ever want to contact him again, 'of course' is my answer. but i know i dont have the courage - the courage to face any direction than it is now. doc supports me on my wait for him but he also advises marriage is not about loving that person. *not loving the person yet living the rest of my life with him?! how can anyone do so?!* giving his 'ten-pence advice' (i paid alot for it!), he concluded i'm living by my own standards of certainty where reality is about living in faith. whatever his advice, i'm just glad that he prescribed a stronger sleep pill for my rest. *seriously, i really thank whoever invented the miracle pill~ it's a saviour to active wild brain* ok, i know i'm kinda addicted to the sleep pills which i cant sleep without. trust me, i tried... life without my pills are horribly scary.

21 Dec 10 - 在愛情裏我最不怕的就是距離

read a lot of my feelings on this site http://feelstory.lovequotes.no-ip.net
somehow, i managed to fight back my tears n depression after reading.. it's a tough fight cos every article touches my heart, stirring my missing for minwei esp the article about long dis rship - 分居兩地的愛戀，才是最真的。

i know it's the same feeling for someone who loves me yet have to see me in this pain.. i suppose this is the way my love life is - to love. i really love darling but i can never understand how can he choose to hurt me so much.. to let me go after years of 'thinking of' me.

for those of you who have my fb, just read my wall.. cos i'm really on the verge of crying for my darling now. perhaps it's meant to be so, cos tmr morning i'm meeting my psychiatrist for follow up... i'm not getting any better, am i?

19 Dec 10 - another sleepless night

i cant sleep.. scare to sleep n i know i cant take my sleep pills forever..

i didnt take last night n i kept dreaming of minwei the whole night.. i was in taiwan looking for him, lost my way.. totally lost.. i hugged tight to hugo (yes, he was in the dream just as he was beside me physically), longing for my darling (his 'dad'; he claimed hugo to be his 'son') i cried helplessly on the street.. my heart pained so much that i woke up in tears. for the rest of the night, i hugged hugo so close to my chest n kept going to n fro that dream.. i was so scare that i remember i woke up in shivers.. so much so that i cant help but to take my pills to stablise myself.

i really miss minwei.. i know he's in US this wk cos of his msn updates (i know i shouldn't be concerned but..) so much missing that my heart aches the same as it first hurt. i'm so awake now, even though i know i'm tired. i simply cant sleep.. i really didnt want to take the pills but i know i have to, after this blog entry.

yes, people, i hear you. i know it's silly to wait for someone who might not return but this is what i've decided... what is 4 months compared to the years that i will be waiting for this miracle? after all, how can i 'love' another person while still missing and deep in love with minwei? minwei minwei.. this names has been calling in my mind for days, esp today.. i really miss him so much, what should i do?

15 Dec 10 - to love or be loved

someone adviced me today that it's 'better' to be selfish - be with someone who will stands by me and dotes on me, rather than waiting for someone who might stand by me. taking such a risk now is not favourable for my mental and emotions.. which i know she's right, in a sense.

but how to live with someone when my heart is dead? or expecting another miracle?? yes, i dont deny i still think of minwei, still miss him and even dreamt of him.. yet i also know i have to move on. no matter how 'hopeful' or shattered i am, i have to live on for the sake of.. i dont know. i dont dare to think beyond tmr.

i know guoqing dotes and cares a freaking BIG DEAL of me, insisting and persisting i'm the one for him.. but is he the one for me? i really dont dare to think. once i thought so, but it didnt happen. twice i thought i could trust and rely on the 'power of love', and twice it hurts me so much.. i really dont dare to think of settling down anymore, let alone being with someone who really loves..

in next 48hrs, i have a decision to make.. a decision of a lifetime. i wish i could be 'noble' and 'sacrifice' for love but am i ready for this big change? i used to believe in love, used to believe in loving someone whom i trust fully and totally.. i used to believe and hopeful in rship, to find a 'harbour' for my drifting boat *ok, maybe a yacht cos u people thinks i'm high-maintenance girl* whatever the belief i had, i am left with whatever-belief now.

maybe i may make the wrong decision, end up lonely and emotional unstable for rest of my life, but i know there'll always be my friends, very good friends and buddies around for me. maybe i may make the right decision, but will there really be happiness in stored for me? the one i love told me he needs time to think, told me our lifestyles are incompatible (i freaking object!); i'm telling the one who loves me i need time to think, telling him our lifestyles are incompatible (i really believe so!).. F! why am i in this F mess?!?

11 Dec 10 - kinda weird today

just came back from a joyous wedding dinner of Mr n Mrs John Lai. trust me, they are so fun-loving that the whole dinner was more of d&d.. u cant help but to love this couple - their openness, sportiness and totally friendliness from the heart. what used to be my most admirable - sword bearing march-in, is now replaced but their dance-in. of all the crazy weddings i've attended, this is the best proper-fun of all. no sabotage, no making a din.. just pure entertainment and surprises from the newly-wed. (can you believe - the bride played a song on saxophone as a surprise gift to bridegroom~!) all the secret efforts of training and perfecting~!! i really admire their love for each other.. really happy for them.

at the same time, while i was seated with my god-family.. i felt kinda weird. i didnt want to bring guoqing along but yet i cant leave him alone at home on wkends, right? on one hand, i was afraid that people might regard him as my bf; on another i'm trying hard to fight back the thoughts n 'wishes' that minwei was here with me, joining this fun celebration. i'm glad to be 'back' with my god-family.. even though i've 'left' the family for ages, i'm glad to see everyone again (even though i hardly know some~). all i felt was 'this is a family', the family who saw me thru my dark days n bright days...but somehow something in me just dont want them to see my current dim days. this bottomless faithless pit..

i dont know why but i ended up sharing bits of my anger with edison (an matured caring uncle in the rcia family). being the typical instrument of God, his words reminded me of how i used to trust God in bad times. yet, having totally faithfless and hardened, i guess i need more than 'counselling' to open up that Godly faith again. i know He has His plan, to not harm but to give me joy. but i just dont see any possibility of any lasting joy - not in the past, present or future. dont know what His plan are but .. i've given up on what He thinks.

23 feb 2011.. a date which seem to be beckoning me back to rcia. but will i?/ am i ready to open that door again?? have i grown so comfortable with my darkness that His light does not matter anymore? .. confession of a backslider. yes, i'm totally faithless now.. if God is Love, love hurts me to my very core of faith.

10 Dec 10 - 爱本来就是一场梦，梦醒后一切亦空，被这爱情捉弄

i chanced upon this caption.. and 'fell in love' with it. why is my love life so complicated?? all i ever wanted is a lasting rship where trust and communication of paramount importance.

but anyway...  i know i'm rather emo today. i just want to be alone hence i took an urgent leave from work. i guess i really need my solace time before i really snap out (i'm already living on last strings).. somehow, in midst of my reflection, my mind was totally spaced out.. thoughts of minwei, ian or guoqing tried to squeeze in but i just went blank.. totally lifeless. 

ian said i'm blessed to have someone loving me so much.. but it's too late. i've given up the very last chance of loving, of rship.. not that i'm pessimistic, but i guess 'having my own family' is not planned into my life. if u ask me now, i'd frankly and openly confess to you that i'm very scared of rship. so scared that i'd rather be alone all my life.. somehow since young, in my bones, i just knew 'happily ever after' is not my story ending.. true enough.. i'm tired.. 

guoqing said i'm still waiting... yes, i am still waiting.. for a miracle of love mercy. love hurts. i dont know about you people - how love had hurt you; but i sure has enough of its painful pranks. there was once i 'got over' yet ended up being hurt.. most hurtful ever. even bosco didnt hurt my core of faith and heart but this time, love did its ultimate show-hand on me. 

sorry.. i doubt i can get over this time.. i still love him and miss him..

03 Dec 10 - can a dog n cat be in love?

throughout my wild dancing night (fyi i went modiva again~), my mind dashed between minwei and ian... despite the fact that guoqing was with my group, my whole attention was not not on my dance moves but on minwei and ian..

minwei - he loves my son. or shall i say, i think he really did love my son. whenever we went past pet shop, he knew and he remembered to get something for my son.. i love the way he treasured hugo, as my son. though hugo's is rather a spoilt brat, but he accepted him as who he is and willing to spend time to 'gain his trust' for our rship.

ian - he's like a cat (in fact, he has a cat) being a typical cat, he's too independent and mysterious for rship, let alone 'wooing' my dog son. i can literally picture him being the 'hey,he's yours to handle' of a 'father'. as a matter of fact, i doubt my son will like him in the first place - kitty scent. but .. i do like him... someone i care all these yrs for the longest ever..

wtf.. someone i care vs someone i love... i really love n miss minwei.. but ultimately, i know it's his decision to make. i will always love him.. with the love i dote on my hugo, i am willing to dote on the 'father' of my son..  however so, i doubt he'll ever appear in my life..

02 Dec 10 - i cant sleep, even after my miracle pills~

tonight's dinner was company welcome treat to my foreign HR counterparts (they are here for training).  nothing can goes wrong with singapore's famous chilli crabs..  not becos i ate alot nor too little, hence my insomnia. but the reality check of seafood dinner - it brings me back to my seafood dinner with darling minwei.. chilli crabs, pepper crabs n even butter crabs.. whatever its presentation tonight, i just could not keep my mind away from those days.. that seafood night.. trust me, i tried as hard as i could to stay sociable and interactive but.. i simply miss minwei.

i know.. in the eyes of all of you who care for me, he's not worthy of my remembrance' but i really love him alot, not to mention he really didnt handle it well.. to sum up, i still miss him.. sometimes i could push these 'reminders' away, but in the face of crabby feast, i really wished he was here with me.. how he enjoyed the chilli crabs, messing his fingers.. how happy he was, his laughter..

listening to 'love songs on class95' is definitely not helping as he (once) enjoyed listening to all these soft lovely songs with me via internet radio.. how he appreciated those opportunities to listen to the same song with me.. gosh, this is so not helping.. hence i decided to switch to my usual classical music, may the strings of violin take these memories into the wind....

as i started to 'relax', another concern arises.. ian... he was kinda upset that his colleague (new friend fr gun club) disclosed that he is currently in a rship.. i questioned him.. it took him 3days to sms back. when he did, he was really concerned for me, abt us.. *j, u r just such sucker under his concern* though i should give him a chance to explain (i'd love to~) but this might just be the 'sign' that i should seriously re-consider his sincerity.

sigh.. from missing minwei to reconsidering ian.. when will my wondering mind ever settle down tonight?.. i really need to sleep, no matter how awake i am..

30 Nov 10 - perhaps i'm fated to be a 'long-distance rship' partner..

for those who have not been informed (i only told a few close frens anyway) - guoqing made a sudden decision to 'take a rest' to singapore, and not surprising my family 'adopted' him with pleasure.. *seriously,i feel so unfair for my darling cos their 'reaction' to guoqing is so different from his!* anyway, their reason is becos they've known guoqing over a decade (which is true~) .. ok, so be it.. anyway, i know i only regard guoqing as old good friend, as a brother perhaps.. if anything is to happen, it would have happen at the proposal~

for now, i'm happy to be alone, pampered by myself and close friends. not to forget i've been working on long crazy hours (even on sat) hence my tiredness and no inspiration to blog. i did an calculation: my average man-hour in Nov10 is 10hrs per day! u guys ve to give in to this crazy workaholic j :) well, it is also in this 'tough time' that i really enjoy my work, really learn a lot and get to know more singapore colleagues. (cos my portfolio was southeast asia, excluding singapore, now i'm basically managing the damn whole SEA alone!) trust me, singaporeans are bitchy fussy demanding people! freaking damn challenging~ and REWARDING! if only i've a bathroom in office, i can practically LIVE IN OFFICE 24x7!! *my boss agreed that my son can live with me in office* seriously~ life without angie is madness. then again, working long hours is my normal life and i just cant leave without completing my work~ even if it's just an email response left to do. besides working in auo, i think i'm the happiest here through my past employments.

coming back to guoqing's stay with my family... i'm not saying that he's not welcomed but .. somehow i rather be alone with my work and hugo, than having him around with all my family fussing over him. i'm not saying i'm jealous.. but i'm quite upset for my darling.. besides i dont like the feeling of being dependent on, i dont like the feeling of being 'cared for', at least not 24hrs! frankly, i rather not seeing my partner for months than to see him everyday~ perhaps i'm still immature but i really enjoy being alone in one place, only to meet my partner after mths of rescheduling and planning *i'm nuts, i know* however nutty, this is really what i learnt anout myself - i need a very big personal space with strong trust and faith in rship.

impossible? ya - that is why i'm still unattached, and i doubt i'd ever be~ anway i dont freaking give a damn to whatever 'rship'/courtship and even marriage now.. they are mere labels of commercial fantasy. i'm really at ease and happy even if i had given up a tree for the whole forest.. oh please, i just cant be bothered now~heck!

15 Nov 10 - another taiwanese

i finally ve time to be with you people (my blog!).. though i was totally overwhelmed by new hire induction conduction today, but i kinda enjoyed it - the fruit of hardwork is i can be at home at 630pm! (this is typical changi life) totally surprising and relaxing.. this is the first time i get to relax at home early after work.. finally...

oh, did i tell you that i befriended a guy from flight? we took the same flight to and fro taipei.. he was seated on my direct opp aisle seat to taipei, then direct opp window seat back - same row. i noticed him cos he was helping the travelling pilgrims with their luggages *and i like his voice*. ok anyway, u know how cant-be-bothered j can be when she's on flight - simply put on the arrogant attitude and try to doze the 4hr away. to be frank, i really didnt remember him throughout my stay till i saw him again at the boarding gate. he came over and seated directly opp me! *i was like 'hey, that's him again!*

anyway, being taiwanese himself his luggage is so light that i envy. in comparison, i felt like an wholesale buyer of taiwanese goods back to singapore with all the boxes and luggages! (i really went light;came back loaded) upon arrival, he just walked out of the arrival gate so leisurely while i had to wait and load my heavy consignments. what shocked me was the loonngg taxi quene when i stepped out, and he's merely a turn in front of me~ somehow he smiled at me and i returned the gesture. then we started to have small chat during our zigzag queue about our purpose back in taiwan.. then, he suddenly came over to my queue! together with my luggage, i really feel like auntie standing together with him. we simply continued chatting and eventually (dont ask me how) we shared cab back *he's living in woodlands* .. with any guard against this stranger, i actually let him sent me back to my flat, and forgot to leave him with my share of cabfare~ anyway, that's how we met.

then he surprised me with a 'brunch' date sms that he'd like to prepare some dishes and invited me over for a meal.. i just ve to wake up and go over for simple meal. what simple meal?! it was a feast! beef stew (he started brewing the night before), pork rib soup, grilled mushrooms, sliced pork with sauce and my fav- taiwanese rice! not to mention, we had bbq sweet potatoes for dessert.. totally impressive! i simply love that stew...reminds me of taiwan~~

before u start to speculate who the hell he is - he's 6yrs older than me, engineering under expatriate employment contract with no intention of settling down in singapore where he kept complaining cost of living is too high. he's just a normal bachelor who is not 'willing' to settle down cos of his last rship. considering how that incident had driven him to singapore, he must have loved her and been hurt deeply. that's why he's planning to lead a carefree bachelor all his life now. perhaps photography might just be his wife then. but heck, i enjoyed chatting with him, in his company and great meal. being typical picky taiwanese, he was not satisfied with his own cooking. to me, it's already a great blessing to taste authentic taiwanese homecooked food.totally a bliss for someone who miss taiwan...

i think he's very gentleman despite our 6yrs gen gap. perhaps he'll just be another floater in my life but he definitely left a deep great impression for a 'first date'. :) dont worry, i have enough of bgr - i will stand even firmer in my singlehood decision now. dont need to pray for me - just let me be, i enjoy my singlehood.. and i still think of my darling...

09 Nov 10 - i had a GREAT rest at home~~

i'm back..to singapore. many of you are so interested to know abt my home trip yet there's really nothing i can say. my daily 'schedule' (if i can put it this way) is wake up at 7am for jog around my neighbourhood (mind you, it's mountain road and slope!), back at 8am to refresh and have my breakfast on bed. closely followed was watching hbo, and all sorts of movies and series on tv which eventually i'll doze off and wake up again at 2pm. now, this is my 'headache' time gap - i either went for a walk or afternoon tea or simply laze on my bed with more snacks. (trust me, guoqing has stocked up the fridge just for me - lotsa snacks and chocolates and drinks just for me!) when guoqing came back after work, we'll drive down to city for dinner with his friends. *talk about social butterfly, i was really it!* with all the chat and feast, by the time i returned to my room it's almost midnight. and another day continued in almost the same way. that was my life in taiwan - my normal life.

i really took a GREAT REST - free from everything, every concern and every whatever misc. totally uncontactable by anyone, not even guoqing cos i always leave the mobile which he prepared for me at home. for goodness' sake, it's 'my area' and surrounded by all the serene trees and treks, where and what can go wrong? besides, i've made such good friends with the neighbours and stall keepers despite my poor taiwanese language. it's totally my home. i really had a great rest and great snacking~ i'm beginning to miss it now~~ *fyi, i left my wishing bear there then i'll have my bear to hug to sleep moving forward*

emotionally, i thought it through a lot.. clearly too. i really must love myself more. not try, but must, just do it~ minwei, bosco, ian, guoqing etc.. they cant be with me through my life. there is a reason why i experienced such 'enlightenment' when i was sick alone at home. eventually, this is a one-man road. maybe God will be with me in this road, but heck, i'm still the one taking the physical walk. one day, i'll still be laying in my coffin alone. i have not heard of 'couple coffin'. yes, i love minwei - beyond my comprehension. but i must love myself more cos this road is mine and mine only. i'm not being selfish, but i guess i see some light at the end of this tunnel. this light is only for me alone.

i appreciate guoqing's doting, understanding and protection to stand by me thru all these yrs. his respect for my space and decision, even though i didnt stay as a couple with him. i really see n feel his thoughtfulness yet i know and i know i'm not going to ve any rship anymore. after all these ordeals and depression battle, i decided to stay single all my life. i must say, guoqing has really done it all for me yet i m very firm in my decision now. if there's anyone could surpass guoqing's efforts towards me, it must be God whom i have difficulty understanding. all in all, call me silly or whatever, i will continue to enjoy my singlehood for rest of my life. enough of rship, enough of 'possible marriage'.. those are just mere cheap words to me now. even my faithful hugo will leave me one day, what makes man any better than hugo?

28 Oct 10 - welcome to 21st club,xu!

ok i might be too old-fashioned for my 'modern' lifestyle. what the heck anyway~ i love the feeling of being 'auntie' among my aunts and uncles and cousins! it's always nice to have everybody in one house. yes it can be noisy but heck it, this is what family bonding and communication is! even shouting across the living room, my cousins know what the hell i'm talking about, in the midst of all the discussion between the 'elder' generation. yes, my cousins bonding are surprising rather strong for our X/Y generation. we are proud of one another!

today is my dear cousin - xu's 21st bday. 21st!! i remembered i was so unhappy when i held my 21st bday celebration.. what a big hoo-ha over it! it's so crowded with my parents' friends and relatives, neighbours over my own friends. i just didnt like celebrating birthday then. but when i am this old now, i simply ENJOY ANNOUNCING my birthday to everyone, esp in such family gatherings. heck the numbers, i freaking dont look my age *thanks be to God!* not to mention my bday next yr is on CNY reunion day! of course i must 'remind' them to double up the angbao. though i'm abit too old to collection CNY angbaos, but hey i'm never too old to collect my BIRTHDAY ANGBAOS!!
so, a REMINDER to all of you reading - my 2011 birthday is on CNY eve (2nd Feb 11)! I EXPECT PRESENTS AND A HUG! you can do away with the birthday kiss~

anyway, back to xu's bday - what a FREAKING FEAST! the moment i walked into the house, it's like having a buffet spread where everyone, i really mean EVERYONE, is gathered at the table FEASTING and CHATTING! oh my gosh, u cannot imagine the rush of warmth that overcame me~ totally overwhelmed my work fatigue!! *i was so so tired after work* in that freaking instant, i transformed into my 'auntie' attittude+social butterfly. F! care what came over me, i just suddenly become the 'life' of the party, heating the whole atmosphere up (though it's already quite hot~) of course, i didnt forget this big day for my dear birthday cousin hence we opened a bottle of italian wine to celebrate her 'legal' age for alcohol. *disclaimer: i just drank HALF a glass, sharing with my sister!* i'm NOT freaking alcoholic ok! there are some occasions where you just have to be wild and f! the care of everything on your shoulders. just enjoy being yourself!!

though the feast, noise and shouting chat lasted for mere 2hrs, i really had GREAT fun. i really dont mind being 'auntie' if that is what it takes to have my fun and be myself~ my work is already really freaking stressful and professional-presenting, i need a freaking break to be myself, to remove the 'serious' j to return to 'wild' j. to those who dont know me that well - yes i'm a daring wild crazy fun-loving BITCH in my school days. if u dare me, i WILL do it! sigh.. those were the days.. and i freaking miss it!

oh, by the way, i hugged EVERYONE in the gathering just now. i stick to my resolution - a hug each day to everyone i meet!

26 Oct 10 - strenghtening up

ok, i really need to build my muscle up~ i think the girls are getting stronger each week that their throw is so strong! well, might as welll since i have to build my strength for shotgun training. angie said girls with moderate muscles are sexy, but i dont think i can ever make that mark. i'm freaking TOO THIN!

u cant imagine how much i enjoy my tights muscle so stretched and my arm muscle getting sore. ok i'm a bit sadist - but hey, that is my old young days! i was totally a well-built (thin) cross-country runner and netball player! those were the days!! damn, makes me feel dam old now!

in midst of my crazy work, i am just so so so so happy that i'm going home!! seriously, even looking at taiwan documentary film now excites me so much! I AM GOING HOME!! but i'm not going to slack at home - i'll still continue my stamina training everyday (guoqing runs every dawn! he's also my morning call every day now!) i am just so happy going back taiwan~ hope i wish i can stay there for a mth or so, just like before. I LOVE TAIWAN! frankly speaking, i dont mind getting a job there, as long as that pay is GOOD. though gwen warned me aginst getting sudden married in taiwan, but she didnt warn me abut getting a job there! so..hmm.. that might be my alternative~

gosh, a few more days to go and i'll be HOME, in my OWN ROOM in TAIWAN! come'on, baby, i'm so eager to be back home! i miss you so much!!

25 Oct 10 - cant wait to go home

i really look forward to return home.. in fact, i'm counting down every day to my home.. staying inside my room and just be alone. how i wish i can stay there forever, but i know i have to use that time to strengthen myself - physically and emotionally.

gwen warned me not to get married on impulse, of course i wont~! didnt i say i've enough of guys in my life? though guoqing has been asking, but i know and i'm sure it's not possible. what if he turns out to be another minwei, there goes my 16yrs of close friendship!! i kinda 'lost' ian after our quarrel and i cant afford to lose another close friend. no, not now.. i know guoqing dotes on me, but dont worry i know my limits with him as a brother - i wont abuse his doting and love. excuse me, all these yrs, have i ever abuse his care and concern for me anyway? NO! i even tried to reconcile his marriage ok~ that;s what good close friend do.

anyway, in a few days' time i'll be going back! i'm so happy, even though i've not packed my luggage. in fact, what's there to pack? just a few personal items and i'm ok to fly over. i believe i still ve some clothings in my room, just need to send them to laundry before i wear. i hope everything stays the same in my room.. just the same, i can snack all day in bed, read my books from 誠品, slurping on the food in my neighbourhood.. the though of jogging in the morning on mountain trek excites me - trust me, i'll sure wake up when the sun is up! take my time to do come house chores (as my contibution) and then take a walk nearby before dinner. gosh, that is my taiwan life~ dont u just envy me? i envy myself... i am so looking forward to stay in taiwan!

23 Oct 10 - trust me, if i can buy my own gun, i will!

i finally went shotgun shooting today! for those who dont know me THAT well, i LOVE shooting, esp shotgun. i'm not such a great fan of pistol. i love the feeling of holding a REAL live-fire gun in my hand, with real firing cartridge for flying clay target!! i simply love it when i hit the clay trap!! those who have not tried it, you MUST! even a boney girl like me can carry that shotgun, so can u!

but sad to say, after nearly 2yrs of not shooting, my gun alignment and strength is kinda affected BADLY! in the past (i've wriiten on my previous blog), i can easily achieve 70% hits, but today it's a downright 30%! what the hell!! but at least i'm improving on my shooting position and alignment, that my instructor praised me on that! but still.. what the hell, it's only 30% hits! u know what? in that freaking instant, i decided to commit a monthly shooting session with my instructor. he was so happy that a young boney girl like me is so fervent into shooting (i'm just peculiarly rare!), and he promised to give me personal coaching, with just normal 'day' shooting price! i m so thrilled and honoured! mr tan is really a very patient and good instructor~ i like him since my very first shooting session when i was first addicted to shooting. i'm so honoured to have him as my personal shooting instructor!

besides netball, another sports i've always wanted to learn is archery. *yes, u know i'm a VIOLENT girl, esp when i'm stress!* i had some fun in the indoor archery below my office block, but they are moving off to yishun! *of all places - YISHUN! :(* i'm so going to build up my muscles for these 2 sports and netball!! i need all the weight training i can get, to pump up my strength and endurance! (my gym instructor told me i'm very weak in strength)

for those who are glad that i'm busy with my shooting, netball and archery, help to think of some activities or exercise to help me gain more strength! for those who are 'scare' that i'm getting violent, hey THIS IS J! i've never been a feminine girlie since i know myself! take it or leave it!

21 Oct 10 - F! off my life!

after past few months, i finally braced enough courage to log into facebook again.. guess what? the first update is minwei's update!! apparently, he really worked 'so hard' to complete his 'apple collection' - iphone4,ipad,and macpro. *what the hell!!* i read on and his wall had "Alex likes 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛， 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生" 

 i totally agree with the first part - 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛 but i cant help wondering if he's talking to me in the second part - 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生. what is the definition of '不合適的愛' when rship should be a mutual discussion and agreement, rather than a one-sided SUDDEN decision? ok i'm not saying he's at fault but dont i have the right to make decision for 'our rship' too, be it 合適 or not 合適. entering a rship is mutual agreement yet dissolving it is not? what F! logic is this?!

if you've come to my point in life, perhaps 寂寞一生 is a good thing. afterall i still have lotsa good friends - unmarried/married around me. in fact, my psychiatrist (did i tell you he's A/Prof and a senior consultant, for my freaking case!?) told me this morning that he's not worried abt my health, cos he knows i'll do the right thing but his only worry is i might get burnt out by stress. he knows i've diverted my attention to my work, even to that extent of missing my counselling session with his 'good friend' recommended. *i told u i've been working long hours! simply no time~!!* like a father he is, he is right! i'm freaking BURNT OUT! hence i miss taiwan so badly now, so badly that i actually felt so freaking happy after buying the return airticket! i actually hugged angie next to me with such a smile on my face, exclaiming 'i'm finally going home!'. trust me, missing my taiwan life is my red-button stress signal. i cant imagine what the hell i will become if i dont go back while the siren is warning. i might just collapse n check in to mental hospital?

looking at his sentence, i have freaking mixed feelings now. i'm freaking wondering if he's thinking abt us, me or only himself? what the F! does he mean when he is 'a fan' of this sentence? though i know it is perfectly rationale (my psych will agree with that) but do u know how PAINFUL it is when such F! sudden decision of ONE PARTY was made (my psych will agree with that too!)? how come men are always the one who chicken out in commitment, yet we ladies are the loyal and faithful ones (my psych said this to me!!)? i know i'm one of those freaking silly faithful ones, but what the hell! why guys like to do this to us?! seriously, F! you! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! i've decided to be on long-term anti-depression medication, what the hell else do you want from me?!

maybe i should treat all you guys like how i told ian - F! off my life! yes, u read it correctly. i told my 16yrs special friend to get the hell out of my life. i'm just so fed up now-enough is enough! u people with penis out there, get the hell OUT of my life! i'm going back to my retreat place soon, and i F!ing serious that i dont want to consider any of you ever again! get the F! out of my life! cant i just have peace and love in my simple world? even if u r 'here to help' with my depression, thanks but no thanks! just get the F! hell away from me! i dare to tell ian this, and i will tell all of those freaking guys who might be thinking of going after me!! i dare to put my 16 treasured yrs of friendship to this, what else do i dare not lose to say to those guys?!  DARE ME TO SAY THAT IN UR FACE, COS I WILL!!

20 Oct 10 - J is finally going home~!! happy haapi hapi!

u cannot imagine how HAPPY i was when i clicked on the confirm button for my airticket to 'home'. i was so elated! in that instant, all the freaking stress and glooming depression seem to vanish altogether! i am finally going back! i FINALLY can return bcak to my room, where i can really rest with a total peace of mind~ nothing and nothing will come close to me. no work stress, no depression battle.. just me and my room and my view of the mountains outside my window.. when i'm awake, i can watch tv or go out and breath in the ions of the natural forest. that is so THERAPEUTIC! i m so looking forward to return home! my 2nd home!! and the best part - it's coming soon! i am so so looking forward to it!

yes, i know i just returned 3mths ago but.. i really miss my space badly~ miss having my time of 'joy of doing nothing'~ seriously, i really love my 2nd home so much that i know and i know one day.. just one day, i'll migrate over. not cos of marriage, but cos i simply love living there~ i feel more alive there than in singapore. that is a fact!

tmr is my 2nd appt with my psych who told me to do what i like, or travel to help my battle against depression, so i m merely taking on his advice! i'm such a freaking good patient, right? dont worry, people, this time i'll win this battle from airport to airport. every step of my journey this time is bcos i love to return, not bcos of my darling.

dont ask me if i'll contact minwei, cos u know i wont. i promised him time - time is all he has to get back to me. the ball is in his court, not mine. as for me, my work is time and concentration demanding now. i just want to be my best in whatever i do. therefore, i need a break before angie leaves! goodness, i cant bear to face her on her last day...

16 Oct 10 - somebody, please kill me!

i thank some of you for your concern - my negligence in my update, causing you people wonder if i'm ok (alive).. yes, my dears and dearies, i'm still surviving.. though not as 'better' as i'd hope or had lived, but hey i m still coping well enough with my raging devil (with help of pills, of course). and no, i'm not into any rship hence causing my blogging negligence. the pure fact is i'm slogging really long hours these days.. perhaps i'm getting my gears up for long long working hours ahead when my dearie angie leaves in 3 more weeks. i'm really working freaking long hours these days!

trust me, with 2 managers gone and angie's leaving, i really feel the work stress now!! even though paul (my direct director) is taking over some of the managerial duties, but becos he's already so loaded with his management duties, i have to monitor and do a very close follow-up with him on his managerial duties.practically, i'm watching over every emails requiring his attention and becoming his 'part-time' secretary. and j being j, when i'm so stressed up, i tend to relax myself by finding something silly to do. i simply heck care if u r director or fellow colleague - there's a time to be serious (professional) and there's a time to be wild such as the wine sharing time.

perhaps becos of my heck-care attitude now that i kinda 'closer' to my directors even though paul is trying to draw the line between us. please, i'm NOT having any office affair!! that is the LAST thing on earth i'd do. i guess he just needs his space as a loving husband (he IS very loving!) and caring boss which i totally respect that!

and somehow, i am nominated, or rather 'appointed' to be the organiser for our departmental year-end celebration. *are they nuts? dont they know i'll be OVERLOADED after angie left!!* frankly speaking, i must have given them the freaking impression that i'm damn fun-loving, therefore they are EXPECTING a WILD FUN, even a beach party *so typical australian-style!*!! oh my goodness, where on earth am i going to find time for that~! good fun requires good planning! not to mention, i've already volunteered myself to be in the core-team of corporate social responsibility team! being event manager of core team, i've to plan a christmas party and budget for the kids!! trust me, I'M REALLY GOING CRAZY SOON!! someone please pick my corpse from office after this Q4'10! prepare for my funeral even though i might survive the next 3mths!! i know i like challenges, but this is ABIT TOO MUCH for me in such short time frame! not to forget, i'm trying to cope with my own situation!!!!!!!!

any of you wanna help me plan any of the 2 events? please~ i need all the brainstorm of activities, network and lotsa magic spells to make these 2 events successful, ON TOP OF MY OVERLOADED WORKLOAD!  (did i mention i just worked the full day in office today (sat) till 8pm?)

08 Oct 10 - where else can i go n rest in peace?

u cannot believe how many times i visited china airlines online flight booking today. if i'm not wrong, it's no less than 5 times.. everytime i'm just a click away to issue the eticket - flying out tomorrow morning and returning on monday. i know it's a waste of money and time, just for a weekend getaway. but people, taiwan is my 2nd home. to you, it's a foreign land; to me it's like going home - a home away from home. i really need a place to rest, to 'download' my tons on my shoulder..

did i tell you i bought a bottle of moscato to office? after chilling it, the whole department enjoyed it so much and agreed we should do this 'slight' drinking more often. it really relaxed us in the midst of our piling work, during office hours. and we are NOT alcoholic, just becos carrefour is having a wine fair downstairs and all my directors are australians - we enjoy good drink. anyway, the whole dept shared a bottle of wine during office hrs - it's no big deal. we're all very stressed out, very stressed out! not to mention, one of our new transferee from france brought 2 champagne for hr dept as appreciation. hey, it's a US company ok - good wine is common. :)

i really need a break before i really snap... where else can i go n rest in peace?

07 Oct 10 - 很炫的近幾天

近幾天真的很炫.. 就連遠在北京的朋友也常msn我(他還不知道我發生了什麼事), 陪我聊天甚至還試著開導我呢 . 真的夠了.. 近日真的突然有許多海外朋友涌來關心, 讓菁真感到受寵極了~ 知道大家都很關心菁, 菁也非常感激有你們這些守護我的朋友..

最近工作真的忙壞了, 常常做到半夜才下班. 難以想像angela走後的日子會更加坎坷..  :( 菁真的得居住在公司里了! 天ㄚ, 求求菁吧! 菁真的快跨了.. 好想回台灣, 好想住在台灣的日子.. 至少周末還能去山上散心, 好朋友的聚會.. 在新加坡, 菁真的滿腦工作程序. 也許這樣也好吧, 把精力和精神集中在工作, 什麼不要想.. 想念泯瑋也好, 應付憂慮也好, 總之菁什麼也不想想了. 每天上班期待抱抱同事們, 為他們的一天加油. 其實抱抱真的很舒服, 很溫馨. 菁真的很喜歡天天擁抱朋友們..雖然工作累但有同事朋友的擁抱, 菁真的覺得很幸福  :)

真的好想念台灣...

05 Oct 10 - bad start good ending

second night of netball.. what can i say - I FEEL GREAT! though my tights are aching (again) but netball really resurrects me! i even brought gwen and madag in this course - they simply love it too! i really love playing with friends~! esp, we can chat during our drill at same time! that's bonding? hahaa..i really love tuesdays now!

but before netball, i was really so upset with myself again. i overslept, and even missed my train stop! waste of my time to take another train back~! i was so upset with my waste of time! i have freaking lotsa of things to do, even though i worked past midnight last night. but still, i practically 'stormed' into office, disclaiming aloud that i'm so angry that i'm so late for work! so much so that my colleagues came to hug me to cool me down! :) that's a change of hugging~ it also proves that what goes around comes around. it really felt good to be hugged~

i was so busy today.. n sad.. cos my precious partner - angie has a better offer! she tendered and i will so going to miss her! she's part of the reason why i accept this job, and it's so heartbreaking to know she's leaving, even though i'm happy for her. the new job is exactly what she hoped for. we are like inseparable partners! even though there's official scope for each of us, but we cover for each other so seamlessly that i really enjoy working with her! i'm so going to cry on her last day... i really like her support, and her nagging~ she is just like me! peas of the same pod. ANGELA, I'M SO GONNA MISS YOU!!!!!

04 Oct 10 - i give up.. totally give up

i really didnt start my day well, even though i arrived dam early in office today - 845am! why? cos i'm very upset with ian.. i dont know if i should trust him, if he is telling the truth. the best part is he has this poker face which i cant identify if he's faking or being truthful.

he really knows how to pamper himself in his new house - i like the simplicity design and the spacious feeling. BUT there's a toothbrush, other than his. what and how am i supposed to think n believe? he explained it's his cousin who helped him to clean up the house. but hey, do you sleep with ur cousin overnight after his/her helpful cleaning? seriously, as much as i tried to convince myself, i just cant. it's just not possible for me to believe, though i said i would believe him... at the end of the day, i just cant reconcile with my doubts. so i'm back to being angry and disappointed with him again, just like what happened years ago. he's a nice great guy but.. i guess he's just not meant for me. so be it then.

even the guy who knows me so well, always ard for me cant be trusted, how can you still have faith that guys can be trusted?? i give up. the one i thought i could trust wholeheartedly left me alone suddenly, the one i thought he cares is actually staging a play. i give up.. i totally give up trusting guys anyway.

03 Oct 10 - dave = minwei?

i know it's kinda weird.. really weird. but there's this guy who happens to be on my msn list. you see, i was cleaning up my msn that day and i thought he's my friend so i allowed him to add me. (that's how minwei and i re-established connection after 5yrs.)

we started chatting - his msn is ALWAYS online and he is really very curious about me, my present life and even my depression battle. i cant and i wont deny that i once wished him to be minwei using another msn, however, logically i know it's not possible. my darling is still avoiding me just as i'm 'leaving him alone'. but this dave guy surprised me with the 'familiarity' i feel when we chat. he really reminds me of my darling.. and he's even so bold to wish that i'm his gf, just after our few chats. yes, being the open-minded j, i practically questioned, asked and answered him about my life now, as if i'm chatting with my darling on another msn identity. i know it's not fair to dave. he also knows i'm treating him as 'replacement' yet he's totally ok with it! that is weird, right?! i really wish he is my darling minwei.. i even told him to tell minwei i still love him, if he's minwei.. seriously, the familiarity is so familiar. *does it mean i'm heading for another depression deep shit again?!* i also asked him to pray for minwei and his family, for minwei and me.. our topic is mostly abt me and my darling..

i know this is out-of-the-world strange. but it's true. remember i used to have a reader - doraemon, who was really concerned for me on my blog? well, dave is someone like him but more than that. he really made me feel as if he's minwei and he knows i have been disregarding him as dave, yet he is willing to be online all the time just to be ard for me. what the hell, you people have been praying for me?

i really miss my darling.. perhaps of dave, i've been dreaming of minwei past nights.. the surge of missing is rising and it manifests itself into such tangible reality in my dreams. darling, i really miss you. i asked everyone, including ur 'replacement' dave to pray for you - in work, in family and in direction. i really miss your hug.. please take time to think about us, in spite of your hectic work schedule of flying across china-taiwan-san jose. i really miss you so much darling..

2 Oct 10 - enough of 'new guy'!

didn't i tell you people stop praying for 'new guy' or any of that sort?

out of sudden, ck dated me out for dinner, dave is showering his concern over me thru msn.. my dear manager is even trying to match-make me with this guy we met at the colleague's bbq. not to mention, the 2 colleagues in my company he's trying to 'introduce' to me as if it's his goal for bonus.

really, people.. i'm really NOT for rship anymore! not anymore! unless my darling settles down and returns, i doubt i'll trust anyone again. my psych asked me if i still can trust minwei again after letting me slipping into depression, but honest to my very heart, yes i am still willing to trust him back wholehearted. everyone deserves a second chance, esp he was really under stress... stress he kept to himself, which should have shared with me..anyway, i stll love him, still hope for him..if only hope come true..

today i practically spent the whole day sleeping and lazing in my room (except my weekly laundry washing), listening to class95 music. it's 'number one' weekends, the songs are simply GREAT! full of memories for me - good memories, the good old days of being carefree.. i miss those days and i miss taiwan where i can put all my burdens and cares down.. i really need a break from this depression monster. he never fails to remind me every morning with uncontrollable shaking then i just have to pop my medication to combat it. i'm surviving on the strength of these medication.. as much as i dont want to, i need to..

that's why i really need a break back to my 2nd home...taiwan...

30 Sep 10 - it's 5Cs or stop praying!

i know what u people have been praying for me *prayers DO get answered!* be careful of what you pray ok? i'm not going to 'meet another guy who will love me, care for me and provide for me'. no, no more 'another guy'!

the reason why i'm saying cos .. PLEASE I'VE ENOUGH OF RSHIP SHIT! past 3days, i suddenly received so many attention from male friends, esp colleagues! what the hell! can you people be specific in your prayers - NO office! i'm in HR, ok - knowing all the confidential information, it's freaking not wise to have anyone of same company. in fact, it's my rule of thumb not to have any consideration for anyone in same school, same company and even same church! yes, i know i'm a bit eccentric but you know me! i just had long distance rship - DIFFERENT country!

anyway, i know your prayer intention is good but please stop all these prayers... i have decided to uphold my 5Cs criteria. so far, i've only known 1 guy who fit that 5Cs (read my previous blog entry if you are clueless). i rather consider someone who knows me so well, someone i'm feeling comfortable and SAFE with. trust me, i've freaking enough of rship thingy, so this guy will now have to know i'm BADLY traumatised by rship! even better, he loves me so much that i wont be in rship! i'm not talking abt cohabitation but seriously, being in rship again FREAKS ME OUT! can 2 people in love yet not in rship? that is my direction now..

i called my old friend hsinhua in taiwan just now. it's really good chatting with him *he's happily married ok* and he's really concerned for my rship roller-coaster. it's kinda funny, cos when i told him abt guoqing's 'proposal' he kinda 'warned' me. haahh.. it's really funny, cos they are such 'buddies'. but anyway, both of them are my buddies in taiwan, my really very sincere n concern support in taiwan - as if i'm their biological little sister. i really thank God for hsinhua and guoqing for such great brothers!

ok, people, have i made myself clear? no more prayer that i'll meet someone better or suitable. i freaking cant take another rship shit thing. if i have to consider someone, i'll rather have someone who have known me very well, ok? enough of 'taking care of me' shit.. eveytime they tried, it's a total flop, a step deeper into depression. so please!! no more prayer for such 'new guy' ok? I HAVE ENOUGH OF RSHIP!

29 Sep 10 - Going the Distance

'Going the distance' is like 'THE MOVIE' for me. that's why my dear eirene wanted me to watch it with her. true enough, it's so freaking REALITY show to me! the missing each other in long distance rshhip, the 'effort' of trying to stay in one place (city) yet the 'feel bad' feeling of having the other party relocating cos of the rship.. what the hell! what good friends i have in helping me to recover!

through out the show, it's like reflection of how i hugged my darling with tears of 'goodbye,we'll meet again', how i cant bear to leave yet i know i have to, how we dicussed about the plan of relocation.. i tell you, it's not an easy show for me to watch, even though it's comedy. every scene and every issue they face are so real in my life, so vivid in my reality. trust me, i really freak eirene off now and then in the movie. it's just so mean of her to arrange this movie!! i know reality is cruel but freak, this is what i've been through with my darling minwei! every scene, every issue and concerns! how we missed each other so much, how upset we were when we couldnt meet!! what the f! my eyes were so near to teary!!

but like i said, it's a comedy. so the couple managed to end well with discussion, commitment and appreciation of sacrifices. well, they ended it in a very sad but matured way, yet the guy decided to return to her after deciding she is the one for him. their love and missing for each other hold them together, even though they 'broke up' and had separate lives for 6mths. how i wish my darling will be the same to me too, but 6mth? ok, anyway these '6mths' i have to fight this depression monster in my life - so it's 'living separately' now i supposed? but i pray our love and missing will hold us together like that in movie, bringing happy ending to this long distance rship. i just miss my darling so much..

darling, if you are reading,i encourage you to watch 'Going the Distance' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1322312/) .. i miss you..

28 Sep 10 - finally, i'm ALIVE in NETBALL!

today must be the happiest day since whatever happened. i dropped all my stressed load (still piling up as i type) and just joined a netball session in orchard!

i actually chanced upon this new 'course' on sun and i immediately registered for it on monday, depsite all cost.*it's not expensive actually, just that why should i pay for something which i've played well?* anyway, that's how i ended up alone in the class.

there're 2 guys in the class and boy, they really defensed well cos they're freaking taller than us ladies! but i sure i had great fun - re-learning the moves and tactics.. i even made new friends :) at the end of all, we had a GREAT game! for the first time in my exercise life, since i left school, i actually felt SO ALIVE! though running the full court as attacker is freaking tiring, but i sure and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! shouting for ball, passing the ball, anticipating the flow of game, paying attention to my footwork and balance.. and i even scored 2 goals! *shooting goals is never my forte, but i'm so happy with my smooth goals!!* seriously, for the 120mins, i really re-lived my netball days in school.. nothing to worry about, nothing to think, except cooperation and coordination with team. it's just AWESOME! i really look forward to every tuesdays now - for the 2hr of netball! for those of you dont know me well, netball IS my passion, but it's just so hard to gather 14 players who really know how to play netball seriously! the rules of netball is simple but many just regard it as basketball~ :(

i an really so so alive and confident of myself (finally!) that i even walked down the street of orchard in my sport attire! i'm just too tired and too sweaty to change back into my work clothes. anyway, heck it, just treat it as i just came from gym.. an open gym. i really love playing netball. even after these 12 sessions, i think i'll still continue and keep this as my weekly routine. afterall, my OLC told me to love myself, right? i love netball, and i'm loving myself playing netball! trust me, even 10km run didnt make me sweat and aching like this 2hr of game. it's totally exasperatingly fun~ not that i'm not going to aim as a netball coach. i just like immersing myself in this game, more than other game. perhaps cos those were the best day of my school life.. school team and we won the national championship!

back to reality, i'm aching all over now, esp my tights! imagine running and supporting full court of players! gosh, i hate to admit but i am getting old. time to get back my stamina, in order to last longer in the game and have better performance! i really urge you people to join me! netball is just so so so FUN! I LOVE NETBALL!

27 Sep 10 - 1st psychiatrist - mr OLC

i really thank all of you for remembering my 'big'day today - my appt w psychiatrist. thank you people for all the smses to 'chase' me out of office, and smses of concern to follow-up with my appointment.

though all of you (i really mean ALL) agreed it's a waste of time cos whatever my 'uncle' psychiatrist was telling me, you people have been doing so for past months.. EXCEPT he has the authority to prescribe medication :) not that i'm addicted to anti-depressants but i just need them till i can stand up alone (that's what my psych said too). in fact, i'm so open to him (this is just so j~) that i told him my long long history and how i am angry with myself and God etc. i guess the session took an hour. being controlling j, i even tried to 'counsel' myself in front of him before he could comment on me. in the end, my eyes were filled with tears and he grabbed the napkins as though 'it's normal'..

his professional analysis made me wonder if i'm too easy to understand, in terms of my all-giving in rship. his conclusion - i've been badly traumatised by relationship. people do break up and get on with it, but i am badly traumatised so much so that i slipped into depression.  and his 'best' news - this depression wont go away from my life! all he can do is to help me to love myself. instead of defending and caring for my 'no backbone' ex-bfs *trust me, that is the word he used!*, i should learn to shoot arrows of blame on them, not hurting myself. he didnt even want me to hold onto any hope cos they are just not worthy of me. *see, i told you he's on the side of you people* but i still defended for my darling. not bcos i cant lose him, but i really love him. i cant convince him but i know i have to listen to him if i want to win this battle. he's my commander of war now - i will listen to him, whatever and however blunt he is. *frankly, he reminds me of ian except i dont have to pay ian to be blunt to me!*  i suspect he's a Christian, cos he's kinda 'upset' when i told him i'm angry and faithless in God now. but heck it, I AM UPSET WITH THE HIGHEST! 

overall, the experience is of normal doc consultation - how you'd relate your flu/cough condition to doc. there's a sofa armchair, but i dont think (hope not!) i need to use that. from today onwards, despite what 'waste of time' it might be, he's officially my psychiatrist now, totally in charge of my depression battle. he's even so nice to me that he called his close counsellor friend and instructed his secretary to arrange an appointment for me. and he specifically only want that friend of his to take care of me. he's just like a 'nagging' father doctor. ok, for the fatherly love, i think i can justify that cost of consultation. btw, his medication is cheaper than i thought! it's less than S$120 in total~

26 Sep 10 - my 3rd death..body, mind and soul

i dream of my darling minwei... something happy, somehow enjoyable.. i woke up with such missing and 'happiness' even though i've forgotten what the dream was about. darling, are you still reading my blog? do you still think of me? i do still think of you, miss you.. despite my efforts to live 'independently' now. darling, i really miss you so much.. how have you been doing? still busy??

tomorrow is the day i've been surviving for - appointment with my senior psychiatrist. i really dont know how to tell him my long story, but i know i need his help (and professional medication) badly to fight this beast, this barbarian within me. i really cant stand this time-bomb anymore..  darling, will you pray for me to recover? will you be here with me when i recover?

i dont know if you have read my first blog - i died before. this is verified by my operating surgeon. by God's grace, i came back to life. i was once dead, now still alive. what made me want to return? cos i know my bf (ex-bf now) was waiting for me outside the operating room, i saw him outside when i was away from my body. will you be here? be my strength to recover, wait for me to come back alive as i was?

this can be considered as my 3rd death. i was dead physically (as mentioned above), dead emotionally (as last rship) and now i'm dying (dead) spiritually-body, mind and soul. i try to be sane and hold onto whatever i can for my soul, before i totally lose it. however, i dont have the strength to play this tug-of-war with the devil. i need help to pull my soul, my faith back.. will you help me?

remember my earthy angel - uncle bonnie? we dont contact each other,but he always send timely sms of faith messages to me. he just did so, and i opened my faithless situation to him. he promised to keep praying for me.. he is just amazing- only appear when i am in my pit. i know you people are my earthly angels and protectors too, standing in the gap for me in prayers. seriously, your faith n prayers have to be really specific (trust me, God is too busy to 'filter' generic prayers) if you are praying.. can some of you pray for my darling minwei too? he needs guidance, peace and love from Him, esp as new believer. please pray for minwei, ok? thank you, my angels~

24 Sep 10 - 2 invitations in 1 day

you people know i've been trying to get myself some routine activities, some 'fixed schedule' so i can look forward to and hopefully exhaust all my energy in.. i thank God for eirene and elsie who really took the trouble to keep me accompany every weekends - as a routine. however, i know i have to get myself occupied more than that.. hopefully something i enjoy doing (like my work) and i can just keep doing in the company of friends.. i asked ian, n he told me to be myself-netball, badminton or any sports.. but it's hard to find a group to play sports together, unlike him n his usual soccer friends.

then, i received an email to be part of my company's corporate social responsibility team. basically, this team just organise corporate events or bonding activities to foster closer rship in work environment. guess what, i'm 'called in' as part of the core team. i've freaking no idea whose plan is this, but i'm pretty glad to be in events management (my favourite since school days). i wonder who else is in this team, and what event can we come up with on top of our daily overload. but heck, i think i will enjoy this unexpected responsibility - a chance to mingle n network with the US management team too. what a timely plan from dont-know-who.

then again, when i got home after clearing most mails from my 2 office inbox, i received another invitation to be a volunteer in dog shelter. i cant say i'm totally thrilled cos i can foresee some heartpain and tears to see those little ones in pain and abandonment. but i agree to the job anyway. i know i have to accept cos i love animals more than humans. i feel and communicate better with animals than humans. though i'm not a vet (no inspiration to be so) but i just want to help these little ones in ways i can. if i have my own house, i can even turn it into animal shelter - you know i will!

so that's it. 2 invitations to occupy my time n energy in future. i dont know when it'll start but i know i've corporate core team meeting next week. hey, i'm part of core team~ i really hope i'll be really really busy and overloaded!

23 Sep 10 - motherly love to hugo

i must be super woman today..
last night my hugo had a really bad sorethroat that he cant sleep.. i spent the whole night massaging and comforting him till 6am, when he was so tired that he finally fell asleep.. i was simply so tired - i think i can understand how parents feel when their child is sick. my son was my whole focus last night.. he really means a lot to me. only when he finally dozed off in peace and no more coughs, i finally closed my eyes for rest.. i woke up in shock at 830am (my work officially starts at 9am)..

thanks for grand prix road closure around suntec, i think most offices are really being relaxing this week. when i walked into office at 945am, everyone seem to just get started working.. so i went around giving my morning hugs again. this time, my director came out n saw, he took the liberty to announce 'free hugs!'. then another director came out and hugged me. they are just so cute and fun when they are having fun~ surprised by my resolution, they welcomed it with out-stretched arms. those 2 big fatherly kids~

well, i left office at 545pm, esp everyone had left early to beat the road closure traffic. having a great meal with gwen n belvri at a new place, i like that place - totally not-so-crowded yet in the heart of orchard. and the food was great~ for the first time for past months, i managed to finish my food. it's really great company, great good and great service~ felt like a friday night, wish every night could be like this... it helps in my defense against depression.

22 Sep 10 - day 3 of hugging

i survived till wed; tmr is thurs.. and f1 grand prix is happening all around my office block - causing such traffic blockage and jam. despite of all these hipe (and stress), i survive till now. i'm really living by the day now, not wanting to think further than tmr. after all i've been through, tmr may be just my 'recall' day for all i know, just waiting for His recall..

again, i did my hugging rounds and well received by my colleagues and friends. though some are curious on my resolution, nevertheless they welcome this idea of hugz. seriously, who can resist a hug though it's from a boney person? when i sensed i'm getting upset over some issues, i quickly went to my hugging partners. it's better than hiding in the washroom, right?

a lot of thing start from ownself. like ian said, we have to be responsible for our actions and decisions. i totally agree, but this time of 'tribulation' is kinda too hard for me to bear. i know many of you are praying for me to let go and let God.. 'let go and let God' is such familiar phrase and faith i used to have but now.. perhaps godma is right - let me take time to recover, to come back to Him. afterall, you people got to have faith in your prayers - the power of prayers work wonders. *trust me, i experienced it again n again* though i'm not into spiritual stuff now, but i still believe in the power of prayers. so, people, keep your faith strong and prayers fervent - He will answer your prayers.. eventually. :) even ian is holding his faith for me on this..

dont ask me how's my darling now.. cos i dont dare to log into FB.. i miss him, i really do, yet i m also scare of any 'bad news' from him.. i cant face it now, not now. i have to recover from this depression first, before i can stand up.. i'm still crawling.. crawling toward 27Sep where my help - senior psychiatrist appointment. somehow, it gives me comfort that he's 'senior'. not just a normal psychiatrist. i really need help, need expert serious help~

by the way, tonight my sister is of furthest distance from earth. though she is far, but she is just as beautiful as ever.. she saw me thru my tears, my joy, esp my loneliness. just as gentle as she is, she is always here for me. thank you, my dearie sister..

21 Sep 10 - poor angie and now me

can i tell u people that i'm totally stressed up and f** up today? stressed cos angie is away and today is singapore's payroll closing, so damn lot of 'last-minute' payroll enquiry and adjustments, on top of what i have to do - offboard and onboard freaking people in oct! that also told me how busy angie had been - totally no time to organise her cases! they're simply too much and too many! it's insane how she survived the 3yrs! anyway, with my current condition, i really lost my concentration! so many things to do, so many reports to run and enquiries to answer! wtf!

in the end, obviously my work quality was affected - too obvious not to be missed. how can i overlooked such simple small details!! i really upset with myself! i dont blame my boss for his stern 'advice' but i am simply totally upset with MYSELF! how can i make such idiot mistake! i'm so upset that i had to call it a day, though i still have piles of cases on my table.

i'm so upset that i just had to talk to someone, someone who cares.. i called guoqing. and you know what? that guy!! that guy was having great feast on typhoon mid-autumn day!! wtf! he can even tell me where his location is (i knew that place!) and gosh, i really do miss those days of 'freedom' and carefree times.. feeling the pacific sea breeze on the cliff, and it'll sure make me feel like jumping down the cliff. anyway, i really miss those days in taiwan, my 2nd home.

he brought up his 'retreat proposal' again.. if i am not holding onto my last strain of sanity and calmness then, i'd have jump into that plan! it's just so tempting when i'm freaking TIRED of fighting this depression, this panic attacks! i'm just so tired of wearing masks, fighting the hell of me to concentration.. in fact, the only one thing i look forward to now is my hugging rounds - i really went around hugging all my colleagues from 4th,21st and 31st floors. (btw, i made another 2 daily hugging partners.)

sigh.. godma told me to take my time to recover, but do i have the time? .. i just want to lead a simple normal life! i'm not prophet, can i have a easier cross to bear?

20 Sep 10 - a hug each day

i surprised my colleagues with my a-hug-each-day resolution, totally inspired by my godma.. everyone needs a hug each day, but why is everyone not hugging nowadays? i decided to take the first step - going around giving hugs as my first task of the day! from 21st floor to 4th floor to 31st floor, i simply hugged every friend i've known. they were very surprised too, but hey who says no to a hug? i hug them with my boney frame, they reward me with such a smile on their faces.. i know i made their day special, even though it's monday :)

i cant say i was bold enough to hug everyone, but i told myself to 'heck-it'. afterall it's a hug, and everyone needs a hug, ESP ME! by going ard hugging people, i'm actually 'receiving' a lot of hugs too.. just what i need now to stabilise myself, esp in the mornings.even the rest of the day might continue to be overloaded and shitty, but i'm going to stick to my resolution to hug everyone each day. i've even gotten myself a hugging partner! we made a pact - even when i feel down, she'll come to hug me~ that is so sweet, right? hugging partner :) i like it~ i hope to recruit more daily hugging partners :)

a hug a day, keep panic attacks away. ok this is what i'll do now and i'll cultivate it as habit. afterall, hugging is fun! people needs to be hugged more often in this society. i thank God for my lovely godma and her hug, to spur off this notion of 'giving'. every hug is every love shared, every bond created. i really like hugging my friends!!

richie told me i'm a fortunate woman, and it's also cos i've been a great friend.. frankly, i think i've been quite a 'bad' friend cos i dont remember birthdates, dont really follow-up with friends.. in fact, my buddies can tell you how i ALWAYS forgotten their birthdates, and how heartless i've been to them. on the contrary, my friends have always been the ones standing by me, supporting me through thick n thin. compared to them, i'm really not a great friend to have. but i hope my hugs will make up for the past.. ^^

19 Sep 10 - physical hug of love, of concern

i managed to drag myself to Mass today, to hear what God has to say to me.. after first reading, my body began to shiver again (fyi, i took the new medication n i didnt shiver this morning).. through the homily, my legs were starting to shiver uncontrollably too... i didnt want to go up for blessings, afterall the communion of Eucharistic was finishing - the last warden was receiving his Sacrament.. then something in me just 'what-the-heck' pushed me forward. the next thing i knew i was walking towards father kenny for blessings, with my arms folded. i bet a lot of people were surprised to see such 'late-comer' coming up to the alter.. anyway father blessed me with the Holy Spirit and the Cross..

this Spirit, this Cross on my forehead seemed to release me.. i'm not joking, not trying to be spiritual.. but i did feel 'there's an outlet' finally.. back to my seat, kneeling on the solid floor, i just cried.. cried bcos i really need help, help which no one can provide except Him; cried bcos i want to forgive myself; cried bcos i simply have no more strength to fight this battle; cried bcos i really dont know how to live another day with the panic attacks.. i just cried. finally, i really cried (which i'm so glad i'm actually crying)- tears rolling down my cheeks.. my face was really wet..

end of Mass, i remained in the main hall.. weeping like a baby girl, hands clasped in prayer for strength and comfort.. everyone had left, except me.. i hear doors being locked, but i dont care.. my tears just kept flowing . like a mourning widow, i cried to Him for help, for answer, for support and refuge.. for anything to get me out of this depression. i must be crying so badly that the keeper didnt dare to ask me to go.. by the time i 'calmed' down *yes i think i look horrible by then*, i hurried out of church hall.. he only left that door opened for me..

what did He tell me? .. what else but the 'usual' - Seek Him first and all these things will be added onto you. seriously, He's not very 'comforting', rather He's directive. but how? i need to get back my faith, before i can seek Him; i need to get back my confidence, before i can 'commit' again.. but at least, in midst of my tears, there's peace.. surrounding and protecting me in that main church hall.

i met with godma in the canteen (RCIA's canteen duty this week). though my tears are dried, smile returned to my mask.. but i cant help pouring all out to her again. i love my godma and godpa. they are like angels - always praying for me from a distance, always keeping informed of my life. to be honest, i'm not very close to godma, but today i just opened myself fully to her, and she really totally understands how i feel! 'though the rship is of short duration but there's no rush, j, take your time to recover', that's what she told me. i wish i could, but i really do not want to take another 2yrs to get over depression.. she understand how i 'hate' myself, but her words and understanding are just so 'right to the heart'.. i just hugged her, trying to fight back my tears. i know her own cross is not easy too, but i'm so glad she didnt compare, just encouraging me to keep on doing what is right, keep on taking steps (even baby steps) to let go.. i thank God for her physical hug of love, of concern (though i dont really trust Him now), but a hug is just what i need now..

in AR, i didnt know what did i pray.. in my exhaustion, i stayed in His Presence as refuge.. then i heard myself saying a prayer for my darling, but i really cant remember what did i pray! it's like Holy Spirit praying for him through my mouth - It just come, i say, i hear but i cannot register into my mind. *dont worry, minwei, it's all good prayers of love for u and ur family, Holy Spirit cannot curse~* then i slipped into peace.. peaceful rest in the Lord.. on my knees, bowing to Him, i slipped into such rest that i know no one, nothing (esp depression) can get close me. i really need this rest to fight this battle.. i walked out of AR 2hrs later... cant say that i've gained back my faith, but at least i truly rested in His Presence. nothing could come close me, nothing at all..

p/s: the new medication takes a while to effect, hey it's not miracle pill! i'm still shivering but less.. and i hope i can stop shivering tmr at work.. last thing i wan is to break down in office.

18 Sep 10 - change medication

i m so screwed.. just called my doc about stepping up the dosage cos even my mum noticed my shaking hands this morning.. i cant help it. they've been shivering since days ago.. i tot i can manage, but today's saturday yet i'm still shivering in fear when i woke up. doc told me to change medication - a stronger medicine. damn, as i hope i can still manage, this beast within is getting stronger.. still trying to barge into my sanity..

17 Sep 10 - 哭砂

full day of anxiety attack, so much so that i shivered helplessly in washroom.. i want to cry but no tear.. i want to scream but no sound.. i was just standing there, so afraid of everything, so nervous about everything.. i really hate panic attack. who says, they last for 10mins? this species i'm with can last for the whole damn day!  they are like raging beasts trying to break down my weakening fence of sanity. they really barge with all their might to break free, and i really dont know when this hell will break loose in me. i am so tired, so angry.. 

i was so angry that i quarrelled with someone close last night. not that i really care for his feelings (he told me i'm indulging in self pity!) when i'm steaming hot with anger, but i'm disappointed how we ended it. anyway, i've a great beast inside of me to worry about. like what he said, this is my own battle. a battle i wish i can recruit some help but i cant.. my own battle.

i was so full of fear today (i still forced myself to wear a calm smiley mask at work so my work quality will not be affected! can you imagine how tiring i am emotionally mentally and physically!!), shivering so badly that i had to hug myself all the while so my shaking hands wont scare anyone off.. i just hugged myself so tightly till i finally came to steam bath..

alone in steam bath, i cried in that little room.. crying out for God to take it away, trying to forgive myself for loving.. i finally cried.. not alot but at least there's tears.. it's as if panic attack was left outside the steam bath door, that i managed to feel 'peace' inside that room. the peace i so longed for, the confidence i yearned for.. i really need that confidence back.. the real confidence, not mask.. i stayed in that steam for 30mins. i know it's too long for my good, but i wonder if that beast is waiting for me outside that door..i really didnt dare to think, just trying to meditate on my breathing (just like the book narrates in her india yoga retreat) i really tried to meditate or just keep my mind blank yet occupied so that beast wont creep in.

so far so good.. i'm back home after my steambath and facial. i hurried home before anything might happen to me.. i know i miss my darling, but it's not the missing that triggers this panic.. it's me. just me.. something inside me triggers it, and seems to enjoy my suffering.. i miss my darling, i love him but i know this battle is not about him. it's with me and me.. i cant afford to lose but this time i have no idea how to win.. then this song came to me.

你是我最苦涩的等待, 让我欢喜又害怕未来,
你最爱说你是一颗尘埃, 偶尔会恶作剧的飘进我眼里.

宁愿我哭泣,不让我爱你，
你就真的象尘埃消失在风里.
难得来看我,却又离开我, 
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流,

你是我最痛苦的抉择, 为何你从不放弃漂泊,
爱的你是那么难分难舍, 你总是带回满口袋的砂给我,

难得来看我 却又离开我 
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流

风吹来的砂落在悲伤的雨里. 谁都看出我在等你,
风吹来的砂堆积在心里. 是谁也擦不去的痕迹,
风吹来的砂穿过所有的记忆, 谁都知道我在想你,
风吹来的砂明明在哭泣, 难道早就寓言了分离,

16 Sept 10 - The Relationship Between Depression and Anxiety

Scoring: If your score is 4 or above, you may have experienced a panic attack.

If your score is higher than 4, you have experienced many symptoms of a panic attack. If these symptoms came on abruptly and reached a peak in about 10 minutes, you may have had a panic attack.

Help is available through anxiety medications and various therapies for anxiety and panic. Please print out your panic attack test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist.

my score: 6

The Relationship Between Depression and Anxiety

i told you i'm really having panic attacks, and it's freaking not fun! i'm so angry with myself, so afraid of everyone (even though i'm alone in washroom) and i'm shivering! i had to do some self-counselling to myself in the mirror to face myself! where is the confident j when she started this blog site? where is her confidence on recovery? i kept spurring myself to fight this horrible oppression, this monster! but every morning, i still find myself bending helpless in executive washroom (it's exclusive-so 1 person usage).. not just once, but several times in one morning! i'm going MAD!!  how can i survive till 27sep when i dont even know if i can survive tmr! 

during office hours,gwen n belvri have been keeping me company thru emails - just to divert my attention to their care and love. but in-between i just have to go n STAY in washroom till these attacks are over. i'm really very tired.. i'm really very angry with myself.. why did i hurt myself in first place,after 2yrs of protecting n recovery! wtf! why am i in this shit pit again! F!

15 Sep 10 - pray for my darling,.

trust me, i really dont know what's happening to me.. i have great good friends around me - gwen kept me company last night, and angie stayed overtime with me in office just now. besides travelling distance, i've always been in the company of someone, someone who cares for me.. even joanne volunteered to go home together, if not for my overtime.

i know i'm loved - by the 2 libras, by all of you people.. but when panic attack attacked, there's really nothing i can do except hiding myself in washroom. i shivered so much as if i'm in super cold temperature. i tried scolding myself, assuring myself and even loving myself but my heart is just too weak and fearful now. even with careful cupped hands, it wont dare to come up.. the confidence just left me..

i'm still functioning as a daughter, as a executive, as a friend.. i just have to wear diff 'masks' (if i may call them) to different people. and i cannot afford to be alone (for long) - i'll break down badly. the last thing i want to do is to cry in office, causing panic to all who care for me. but i wonder how long i can last.. 27sep is still such long way to go. not to mention, next week my dear angie will be on 1-week's leave to taiwan *yes, i wish i can join her!*, and i'll be working 'alone'..

if anyone of you believe in miracle, please pray for me. base on your faith, let me be strong to overcome all the stress and loneliness. base on your prayers, .. pray for my darling minwei to return to me forever. gwen is such a gem as she said she'll voodoo for me (she doesnt believe in God).. but seriously, pray for my darling, ok? i know you people loves me, but do try to love my darling too... despite all these.. cos i still love him.

13 Sep 10 - joy of cooking together

3 things i want to bitch tonight.
1) extract fr the book i'm reading -
'Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such sweet time of grieving.You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken,but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship and surrounded by grace.Take this time,every minute of it,let things works themselves' 'But I really loved him' 'Big deal,so you fell in love with someone.Dont you see what's happened?This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching.You got zapped,kiddo.But the love you felt is just the beginning,you just got a taste of love,just limited rinky-dink mortal love.Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that.Heck,you have the capacity to someday love the love world.It's your destiny.Dont laugh.'

this freaking passage speaks to me like the Bible. i really love minwei, i really do. but i dont think i have the capacity to love the world, and hell, i'm not prophet, no big-shot in spiritual realm.. why me? it's freaking NOT my destiny to go thru depression (again?!) and possibly the 3rd time?! HELL YOU! i admit the first depression was a beautiful place of worship and grace, but this time.. hell! dont you dare bring me back here again, if i ever walk it out alive and sane!

2) my dept had our team-bonding session this afternoon. everyone just dropped our work (reluctantly!) and attended this cooking class. i must say, it's like back to my poly days - standing by the kitchen table, listening to menu instructions, surrounded by all the fine cooking utensils. as usual, i'm very comfortable in the professional kitchen, chatting with the chefs about new ingredients and menu. *i know how to make creamy smooth hummus now!* after 'teaching' my team member on vietnam rice rolls (my other team member is 'professional' housemaker chef), i was actually invited to go behind the 'training kitchen', into the professional REAL kitchen! i actually tried to make my first indian naan! one of my fav food! trust me,it's easier than prata flipping, but i just think my hands are a bit too small to 'clap' the dough bigger. and the joy of seeing it baked in tandoor is totally indescribable. i shared my first naan with my colleagues and it was pure sugary joy with warmth. i love their smiles when i feed them the naan. the joy of cooking and sharing food.. something i've lost since my last cooking/baking... i realised i kinda like cooking, esp when i dont need to wash up! (the cooking staff washed our mess as we experimented with our ingredients~) mind you, every food item turned up excellently great tasting! even our director was impressed by our teamwork and edible results! my team won the best team! :) i'm so happy.. the joy of cooking together, sharing and discussing food.. if only i have my own spacious kitchen where my mates can 'mess' it every weekends..

fyi, i'm not a fussy eater. but when if i want to have good food, i know my standards are pretty high. but hey, i'm trained in excellent service, trained in fine-dining.. what do u expect? i didnt waste my 3yrs in hotel management! as long as i'm not fussy in my daily meals, hey, i can eat all kinds of food though i dont eat much ok.

3) during our 'hard-earned' meal, my colleague from another division shared her rship with me. it's totally like what i went through - the sudden 'tap-off' withdrawal after all the planning for next stage in life! i tell you, i really can feel the hurt n pain she went through cos i'm freaking in it now! but i'm glad her bf then is now her hubby after the 'disappear' period. i know she really loves him a lot, and she's even planning to relocate for him (he's working in shenzhen permanently)... something i'm willing to do, prepared to do cos of this love..

i really miss my darling.. i know it's not healthy for me to mix my missing with depression, but ok, for now i think i can cope with depression.. hence, let me miss my darling, i love my darling.. i wonder if he misses me.. wonder if he still feels the same for me.. ok ok, i better stop here before the hurt comes and triggers off panic attack.

anyway, this is my day today. that stupid but realistic book i'm reading is supposed to help me (as per eirene), but it's kinda inspiring me to take a month leave to seek restoration (as the writer herself). she went italy and india but.. where can i go? taiwan again?? hmm.. i dont mind that actually.. i'm half-taiwanese as you people have known me, even to those who just known me. ok, i've taiwanese blood in me. shoot me if you're not happy.

12 Sep 10 - i just want to lead a simple normal life!

another 'fruitful' day... and i find myself getting more expressively in my language with each effective day spent. i hold onto my principle of 'my word is my bond' hence i've been very careful of every idle word spoke forth from my mouth. though i'm totally faithless (and angry) with God, He is still the Ultimate Judge in the Highest. then again, i find myself more expressive.. the more expressive i am, the more 'liberated' i feel.. ok, perhaps liberated is not the word to use but i really feel so much better after each expression. so, if u hear such expression from me these days, please pardon me - i just have to let it out from my bones.

i watched resident evil-after life in 3D today. cant say i enjoyed it, cos it's not much of a plot but a sequent. more of a 'matrix' effect, than bio-hazard. yes i am freaking scared of bio-hazard shows, more than those real-life ghost ones. well, i was in faith when i claimed this but it seems to be 'out-of-place' now.. anyway, my logic is if ghosts are as real *they are!* then my God is also real and mightier. but when it comes to human's deed of bio-hazard, it just freaks me out on who-know-which-mad-careless-scientist-is-doing-out-there. vampire? i'm fine.. brain-dead mutating zombies?? u can kill me on that! anyway, thankfully there's not much horror this time.

had a good meal with eirene n elsie again.. i really appreciate their company and stories. looking at them, i'm inspired to get well soon.. to enjoy my singlehood of 'waiting' for my long distance rship bf. i wonder if he feels the same or has he given up? but in both ways, i promised to give him space and i'll face it with him when he's ready to face me. my word is my bond.. still my bond. darling, remember this - i still love you.

eirene said i'm getting better, no need for psychiatrist but.. i'd still go for professional help. this depression is a time-bomb within me. i really want to get it out, even though i might forever be in medication. just get this freaking shivers, panic attacks and morning tortures out of my life!! i just want to lead a simple normal life!

11 Sep 10 - i like today

as the world sets 911 as 'the day that changed america', i still remember how happy my family was that night, celebrating my sis' birthday.. well, we were celebrating in front of the news then. anyway, my point is.. today 110910 seems to be the 'happiest' day since all these loveSHIT happened.

1) i remembered how breathless and panting i was when i first took on bt timah nature reserve hill slope. it is VERY STEEP! it's not the height, but the STEEPNESS! but this morning, walking up the slope again, i even managed to conquer the wearisome stairways *trust me, it's stepmaster900!!* and i'm hardly panting!! i'm so proud of myself - i have not been running/exercising lately yet i can still maintain my stamina, at least i'm not panting for breathe! we even walked through all the trails, just to challenge ourselves. and I DIDNT FAINT! i'm so happy with myself when we finally rested in sentosa's beach cafe (we drove there, of course!) *oh, did i mention i LOVE my new sunglasses? the lenses are just so protective! i'm so comfortable with it, though people think i'm anti-social to wear indoors* heck it~ i just love wearing my protective sunglasses, hit me if u dare!

2) my family had a high-tea celebration for my sis' birthday. well, the food spread was nice but i'm not exactly in the mood for high-tea. i still miss my darling.. i'm just trying to be enjoying, afterall i'm wearing my new clothes, and i like the way i look in it. i'm enjoying my clothes, more than the food. anyway, for the buffet price i really ate very little. but i'm glad my family is with me, esp my dad. he's very particular about food, it's hard to invite him out but i know he came this time, just to see i'm ok now. *trust me, at this rate that i am really trying to be ok and my acting skills can really surpass the professionals~*

3) immediately after hightea, my relatives called for a seafood dinner gathering. for those of you who dont know, i'm from a big extended family, with me being the eldest cousin. among my younger cousins, esp my dearest monkey, i just let loose of my dignity/ pride as the eldest. i just want to be another monkey with my monkey, with my cousins. each of us has such different stories, difficult childhood but as we grow older, all those 'knots' seems to untangle themselves and tied us closely ever since. i just love my cousins, my relatives who are always around me. though the eldest, i just want to be the youngest among them. i hate to grow up. since young, this is always been my wish - i dont want to grow up cos i know i'll face a lot of problems and heartaches.. and i think I HAVE ENOUGH! i just want to be young and silly, even if it means to make a fool of myself. i think they'll upload those ridiculous photos in FB, but.. i'm not logging in there.

that's how i survived the past 12hrs.. fruitful with a lot of help and support from eirene, elsie, family and relatives. but i cant deny the fact i still miss my darling.. hoping he might just be here with me, with my family, with my relatives.. next weekend is my relatives' annual mid-autumn gathering. i had always looked forward to this, cos all members of my family will gather around under my bright sister, chatting, eating and even singing along to some silly songs. but this yr, i dont know if i could enjoy as much.. i miss my darling, my part of my 'family'.


你知道吗 爱你并不容易
这需要很多勇气

是天意吧 好多话说不出去
就是怕你负担不起

你相信吗
这一生遇见你 是上辈子我欠你

是天意吧
让我爱上你 才又让你离我而去

也许轮回里 早已注定
今生就该我还给你
一颗心在风雨里 飘来飘去
都是为你

一路上有你 苦一点也愿意
就算是为了分离与我相遇
一路上有你 痛一点也愿意
就算这辈子注定要和你分离