31 May 10 - i really wish to move out

i am SO ANGRY now! i totally agree that when single 'old woman' is not attached, she is so sicko! and this sicko is no other than my youngest sister! do i have to repeat how bad her attitude is?! READ MY PAST ENTRY if you have not!! dont piss me off futher!!

ever since she broke up with her bf, she has been finding someone to 'blame', to nag and to have control over! being a spoilt brat since young, my parents have never scolded her for her arrogance which made her think she is actually being considerate!? and if u know her, she is so sarcastic and she thinks she is right about it!! *talk about self-righteous!* many a times (like NOW!) i really want to slap her to put her in place, but i know it wont help.. my mum will still stand on her side and being the eldest, i just have to give in! times like this, I REALLY FEEL LIKE PACKING MY CLOTHES AND MOVE OUT!!!

it's enough being very tired from long hours at work yet when i get home, i still have to 'suffer' under this arrogant sister's control! just because i dont like confrontation.. unlike her, i dont like to go to my parents and start complaining about others, blowing up the whole issue.. i always ended up being the 'bully' and the 'unreasonable' just because i choose to retreat and blog it out, sleep over it, instead of nagging aloud as if to 'show off' to whole family that she is the 'boss'!

i remember how B used to frown when he saw me being 'controlled' by my sisters.. i remember how he told me to 'take over the control' but.. it's not me - not what i hope to have in a family! i dont want to control anyone, NEITHER DO I WANT TO BE CONTROLLED! the last thing i would want is to nag at my family members! even with my dad, i know nagging wont help at all! i really feel like slapping her now!!

darling, i miss you.. esp now.. i really want a shoulder to cry on... 

30 May 10 - darling,i m proud of you~

gd time really flies. the past 48hrs could be considered one of my happiest (and most tiring) days.. my darling had been in town, taking tedious effort just to spend long weekend with me. mind you, he did not have long weekend (ie vesak holiday) hence he took his leave just for my long weekend.. if you are saying, hkg-sin 3.5hr flight is not big deal, you are TOTALLY overlooking at the 5 WEARISOME HOURS of travelling from rural shenzhen to hkg! you know how tiring can 4hrs flight be, let alone travelling on public buses through customs after customs!! do you know how troublesome custom checks can be?!

i really appreciate my darling very much.. this is his 2nd effort to spend long weekend with me, so i wont be left alone in holidays (remember my CNY long week). *yes, it can be quite affecting when people are celebrating while i m alone* that's why i really appreciate my darling.. even though it's not in his convenience, he took all the effort to make the fatiguing travel just for me.. i really love my darling *have i ever told you that he's totally worthy of my love? :)* even though he's totally exhausted and his body under flu attack, he kept up with all my friends' meetings and gatherings.. thank you, darling, thank you for your love~

here's his nightmare schedule for past days~
day 0 - arrived 0000hr, managed to clear the customs at 0045hr. he was so tired when he saw me, even though he didnt admit.. first sign of flu came swiftly..
day 1 - he only managed to rest for few hrs before my 'early-bird' family started to wake each other up for breakfast.. the day started as early as 10am and it dragged into 1am! trust me, i didnt plan it that way for i knew he will be tired after flight..neither did i plan for the family ktv which just went on despite my constant complaint and obvious reluctant expression.. then the seafood dinner *u cant imagine how much that freaking feast cost?! i am still trying to recover from the shock~* immediately after dinner, a last-minute gathering call from my ex-boss in AUO, which i agreed to meet with such spontaneous that even surprised myself. *ok, i have my personal agenda for being such sport, taking a HUGE risk between spending time with darling and social entertainment* nevertheless i was so proud of my darling who didnt expressed any sign of displeasure (and tiredness) when they met, although he was so totally annoyed over my 'instinctive' decision..
day 2 - managed to catch up with some rest till 10am.. a triple-date brunch with gwen n jenny *they are SO INSISTENCE on this meeting! talk about peer pressure~!* and the day continued between orchard and suntec, before attending wedding dinner at clarke quay
this is the first time my darling attended a singaporean wedding dinner, and as i expected - he was kinda taken aback.. trust me, this is really a very 'singaporean' dinner with traditional 'yum-seng' and all the sobataging drinks.. fun, yes it was but it was indeed an eye-opener to him. all in all, i am so proud of him again for staying through the night with smiles on his face (he can be really listless and grouchy when he is tired)
day 3 - flu is not leaving him alone.. yet he has to make the tedious trip back after a short morning rest *finally we have a normal morning at home at our own timing!!* 

darling, i love you.. i promise i wont tire you out like this again.. i know you just want to spend time with me, just the 2 of us, so do i.. 

so my friends, please regard my darling as normal friend from now on.. no more 'i must see him' request bcos he is my boyfriend.. spare my darling from all the heat of singapore weather + travelling.. he just wants to spend a normal weekend, resting with me~

17 May 10 - back to pills..

decision of the day - an impulse one too. without second thought, i decided to get into my supplements to fight the arising monster - depression.

i'm not saying i'm having another attack, but i know and i feel myself getting weaker these days.. losing my concentration, having nightmares and even started to harbour some negative thoughts.. to the extent that i dont dare to start the day without praying the Lord's prayer. it's not really my idea of 'Christian-ought-to-do' devotion but it's my thermometer - a red light against the creeping monster. i dont really like taking pills again.. but if i have to, i have to. the last thing i want now is another attack again. i cannot risk that..

i really hope the supplements will help... dont let my defense down against that horrible torturous monster - depression.

16 May 10 - how long...

my dear friends, u might think i've stopped blogging cos i ve my bf now.. by right, i should; however something in me i just dont feel settled.. the reason i've not been blogging cos i kinda get tired so easily these days. just pure accumulated exhaustion perhaps - coping with all the changes..

relationship
1mth into this rship, i find myself caring, thinking and missing my bf more and more each day.. even though i dread the weekend flights, but i know that is the only way i get to spend time with him.. cant wait for next meeting. yet.. i cant help cautioning myself... yes, i still have that skeptical perception despite the fact i'm falling deeper in love. i even begin to have nightmares of losing him, or dont know where he is.. ok, i admit it's a freak dream *dont ask me why i'd dream that* but i really woke up in shock and another step deeper into missing him..

seriously, i really dont know how long we will survive in this LDR.. somehow, the hard reality qn of physical presence has been knocking at my door.. i really have faith in him, in his love for me, and if you know me, i wont betray the code of trust in rship. it is just too important to me.. however i really dont have faith in LDR even though i know i wont let him down and he wont let me down. the harsh reality is finding its way into this romance~ how long can the romance keeps its defense in reality?

work
what can i say? it's been one of the longggest week ever~ i was so overwhelmed on my first day that i was so closed to another relapse (my dear bf had it from me - i was too depressed to be positive).. my direct manager did the 1st-week review and encouraged me to press on. his kind understanding on the complexity of systems were really comforting, even though i felt really bad about myself.. things kinda get better for me in the end. by thurs, i was already working past 8pm. i dont know why but staying late was kinda comforting and assuring. i really hope it helps to combat my pandora box of depression..

tmr will be start of another week. i hope it'll not be another long week but i m beginning to lose some faith in myself.. wonder how long i can survive...

11 May 10 - 9 systems in 10 days

today i woke up with heartache+a bit of fear.. not that i'm not looking forward to work, but after my first day at work yesterday, i can feel the pressure on performance.. this job is really very performance focused.. not to mention, i have to understand 9 systems to get 9 workflow flowing, and each system does not speak to each other.. it's really quite a constant manual update and reminders..

i begin to reminisce the good old SAP days cos i only need to understand one system language~ seriously, it's a pain to try to understand how 9 different systems work for each function of its own. i know i complaint abt the monotonous work in SAP but i really wonder if i'm able to exceed my expectations to handle 9 logic at same time.. i really feel the piling stress, esp my 'mentor' will be in maternity leave in 2wks' time.. i will be expected to be fully operational by then!! 14days, 10 work days, 9 logic in workflows~~~ "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!"

one comfort thing is i met an ex-colleague during orientation today.. cant tell you how it comforts me in my stress, i am really very happy to have someone familiar to talk to.. facing the new challenge, i seem to lose my appetite for lunch and kinda prefer to be alone during lunch (do i need to remind u this is just 2nd day?).. ok, hr team is fun but at the back of our mind, we know the workload and expectations from management are scaling heights on each of us.. i know it's not a good stress management for depression-prone people, but.. i really just want to be alone.. i really miss my darling, though  he is physically miles away... i really need a hug these days..