30 Apr 09 - Match-Making dinner

i really can amuse myself. ehhe.. can you believe i just came back from a blind date??
this colleague of mine is so concerned about my singlehood that she enthusiastically arranged a double date to pair me up with her ex-colleague. i was super duper busy today (the dreadful consequence of a short work week).. by the time i was able to relax and ready to pack up, the whole office knew i'm going for this 'match-making' dinner.. OH MY GOODNESS~

but i have to say, it was fun.. watching the D&D function of a company next to our dining section. with all the fun games and their participation, i was almost part of them with my cheers and clappings.. i'm already dancing on my sofa seat, moving my upper body, when they were having games with the music.. and the atmosphere went even higher when they opened the floor with retro music.. *I REALLY FEEL LIKE DANCING!* trust me, i really cant take it anymore when the games were over and the dance floor was open.. i was like 'i-better-get-out-of here!!' and that was what i did, with an convenient excuse that i'm super late for my medical appointment (which is a fact!).. *when the music starts, my schedule often gets messed up*

ok, back to my table.. well, i have to say it's a multi-national company with 1 korean (my dear colleague), her malaysian hubby, 1 japanese (my 'date') and his japanese-speaking myanmar colleague and of course 1 singaporean (ME!!).. naturally, with a PR person like me around, there's no problem breaking any ice.. i enjoy the simple english conversations and also the spread of food.. *almost felt like in taiwan where alcohol, instead of rice, is the staple of the meal* .. hmm.. what else.. well, i tried to inspire the myanmar guy to pick up salsa dance again (apparently he gave up after 2 lessons long ago) by leading him with the basic dance steps..

i really hope more guys will pick up dancing.. what a fun socialising sport/exercise! and like i said, guys who dance tend to be more caring for the ladies.. ok, i think i can add that into my elongated list. *gosh, u people really have to pray n fast for me - such 'mission impossible' to find this guy* beside the basic listing, he has to pass the guarding gates of my hugo, and now the gate of dance? .. oh man, he is really hard-to-get or.. i'm really hard-to-get?? i know i've raised the bar after Bosco.. but hey, this is the reason why he will deserve all my admiration (top 5th need of a man)!!

keep the faith, have the 'hunter spirit'..keep it up, my dear, i'll be cheering you on here~! but.. do you exist?? :P

30 Apr 09 - download of tots

time now is 2:10am on early thursday morning.. i slept for past 3hrs and now i cant sleep further.. my mind is so unseemly active.. till my sleeping pill takes effect, i had 2 options - to study my Bible, or to vent out my thoughts or whatever it is in my mind.. i obviously chose the latter.

wondering why i cant enjoy the music tonight (last night).. my body was so stiff for salsa steps; my mind was in such a blank that i cant feel the beat.. even though the guys led well, but i was totally off-beat.. thankfully my steps were still able to cover-up for my listlessness.. no embarrassment made..

for the whole day, i had been in such irritable mood and whining.. i know it's a monthly affair, but ti's a deliberate whine, cant i? the only window of whine-free is when i was in meeting, and i WAS in meeting whole day.. perhaps that's why i whined so much to myself on return journey after dance, to my family and caused my sisters to laugh with tears.. trust me, i can really whine (v. to complain or protest in a CHILDISH fashion) if i do.. TH used to say i'm such a baby when i do that.. *so thank God that you are spared from being my whining audience*

recently several things remind me of Bosco.. Bosco.. 'what a unique name' - that's how i felt when we first met.. how we maintained contact through icq when he was in australia for SAF training.. how we met up when he returned.. and the process to how things are now. *david, i know u dun like me to reminisce such but..sorry bro* .... my triggers?
1) the 2 guys in my dance class are his colleagues - ST Electronic InfoCom.. yes, i know that is a freaking big company with lots of sub-divisions.. but i didnt 'dare' to probe further.. knowing they share a common 'confidential' projects, possibly government projects, as software engineers is enough to set my imagination wild.. too wild with speculations..
2) Pharmanex BioPhotonic Scanner was in my office on Tuesday. ... in my view, Pharmanex = Bosco, cos he was very active in this MLM before he graduated, before i advised to drect his focus to programming as his career. my family and I was among his 'first' customers when he was trying to build his network and downline.. i have got to say this - i really cannot stand the eloquency to speak in a fluent and persuasive manner of a salesmen. when bosco put on that sales front, i will usually stand aside knowing this is not his true self. yes, he cares a lot for the starving children and quality of health these days, but i just dont like the way salespeople talk. i rather be talking about programming language and logic, than to hear something obvious yet as if by buying those products will make difference for the African kids (selective, perhaps). it's like i can tell you the facts of the Bible from old testament into modern science, but do you want me to push the facts down to you? anyway,.. he was really very active then. to the extend he was totally oblivious of my asthma attack when i attended one of the meetings with him.. he was so engrossed in that meeting... i had to call my good friend, who rushed all the way down to Kallang just to pass me my inhaler. (i used to leave inhaler in his car, for emergency purposes),.. of course he was really sorry after the incident ... so many 'interesting' things happened between us when he was trying build his network in this MLM.. i cant deny some products are really worthy, but .. that was not the Bosco i'd want him to be in - he's not his true self in sales, though he has a great heart to care... anyway, i thank God he has taken my advice to advance his career in software engineering now.

... ... finally my sleeping pills are taking effect.. time now is 3:14am.. good night, dears.. good night

29 Apr 09 - A break.. in Nov09? Jan10??

i seriously think i need a break.. i was so near to my breaking point that i actually threw aside an entrusted task on the table, cos i was quite busy with another task at hand. yes, those of you who know me well, throwing things is not my way of releasing stress.. but this was exactly what happened - i really flung that document onto my table! frankly, i was surprised by my action too but it's kinda too late.. cos the entruster was right in front of me when i flung it. i was like 'oh my goodness!'.. i was so upset.. so upset that i lost my control over my stress..

come to think of it, perhaps it's not the work stress that are pulling me down.. it's.. another kind of stress, a female thingy.. (gosh i really cant imagine how many people i'll piss off when i'm in menopause) nevertheless, i know i need a break..

i shared with my good friend.. he suggested a visit to melbourne where he can be my tour-guide and i can also visit another good friend of mine.. australia.. it's not that i dun wan to go.. but, i cant visualise what i can do there without personal transport (fyi i cant drive). yes, i can join a tour, coach etc.. ok ok, i'm just pure lazy to find out more about australia travel, ya? as i 'mature' this yr, i kinda look forward to a fuss-free travel.. one which has been planned out (ie the Turkey study tour group) or where i'm superly comfortable in (ie .. u-know-where).

yes, i'm that lazy now which is the reason why i've been screaming for a break, yet taking none. (why take leave when you are just staying at home?) another convenient reason is also because i'm planning a family trip to taiwan. yes, you read it right - TAIWAN. this time, it's a whole family affair, minus my 2 dogs. i really cant imagine the budget, but i know it'll be great, afterall it's not going to be a 'backpacking' trip with my parents. i hope i can plan it well, so my parents. esp my dad, will enjoy and wont regard himself as 'burden'. (pls dont ask me - old people has this funny idea that they will be a burden to the younger travellers) come'on, travel is to enjoy and experience the local lifestyle~! personally, it does not matter if we get to visit SunMoon Lake etc, the most important is for them to enjoy and experience a new lifestyle.

.. for the sake of a more comfortable travel, J, try to relax locally.. go beach, movies, dancing, watever.. as long as you can save the money for 'better worth'.

27 Apr 09 - Embrace death, Welcome life

when my father had stroke in thailand and had to rush back to singapore, yes it was quite dramatic but all of us were so worried.. never was the family so 'united'. the fear of losing my dad, the fear anything might happened to him made me treasure my father more than ever. it was then when it suddenly became obvious that my parents are getting old.. they are no longer the 'young' parents we used to know.. even though they have not been piggy-back us for years, but no longer can they also run or even walk long distance with us.. the reality of life-and-death has never been so real in my face..

recently, it's quite a common news to hear whose and whose father is in hospital due to heart-attack or stroke.. it is now that my not-so-young friends start to realise this truth of aging and ponder on some life questions.. "why give birth and bring another being into this suffering world? afterall, you cant choose not to come into this world, but you can choose if you wan to give birth to another being." "if i have cancer, i'd rather commit suicide than to bring grief to my family with, i want them to be happy" .. sounds similiar? it's no wonder why the Bible says all has sinned. in my opinion, these are really selfish thoughts..

1) why give birth?
of course, it's a very primitive thinking to say 'it's women's duty to give birth' or 'God create women to reproduce'. though it holds some facts of the matter, but that does not mean female is mere 'production factory'. then again, does that mean we have the authority to deny life, deny another human being from being born? trust me, having been-there-done-that, i can tell you there is nothing more miraculous and beautiful than life creation. it's true - they do not have the choice to decide to be born or not, but that does not mean they do not want to be born. each of these life. little as it seems, has a destiny, a purpose on earth. what you deem as a suffering world, is a wonderful world for them to fulfil their dreams, their calling in life. and very often, trust me, they do desire to be born. it's true - every life inside every womb desires to be born. it does not matter if this is your so-called suffering world, because they know they are called to be born here and to make a difference. even though we cannot control how our children might grow into, but at least we grant their very first desire - to be born (the very first parental love).

for those who believe in such comments, i have to say - you are really very selfish. just bcos you are not happy with the life you are in, the things you see, you decide to act as God to deny another person's desire to be fulfilled. and if you continue to deny this life creation, i dare say you are forever a superficial 'stage 1' human being. you can never advance in life to enjoy this love, this miraculous love of life. in another word, in my view, you are not fully human. *sorry but that is how i feel* if i have another chance to be pregnant again, i know i'll go all the way to protect his birth. nothing, absolutely nothing can be more remorseful than deny birth..

2) rather die than to bring grief to family
this is the most absurd thinking, yet many of us harbour it in one way or another..
in the first place, if your family dont feel for your situation, what makes you think they'll grieve for your death? and if they feel, what makes you think they wont grieve after your deliberate death? it's very natural - as much as you feel for them, want them to be happy, they also want you to be happy. yes, it will afflict pain and suffering to them when you are in pain, but as much as they do not want to see you this way, they also want you stay in hope as just they are.
the will to live is very important. even though it's easy for u to let go and die, do you know it's difficult for people around you to live on? yes, life still goes on but can we really 'switch off' and move on? can you? when you stand in hope for your love ones who are struggling, do you not want them to be hopeful as you are? seriously, this statement is so ridiculous that i really cannot coment more. if you really want your family to be happy, stay hopeful even in the toughest struggle. it's not easy, but always remmeber - miracle often comes in the most impossible times.

my dear friends, time is really not in our favour.. my dear friends out there, please really treasure your love ones, esp your parents.. please do not entertain any god-forbidden ideas against life creation/continuation. grow up - be wise to embrace pain. aging and death is a cycle of life - a phrase of equal opportunity where no one can escapes, yet no one has the authority to stop this cycle. it is coming and it will come. treasure your every moment of life, even though scientically your internal organs are failing each moment. *the more you should treasure your body~!* no one can escape aging and death, but your attitude determines the speed it will comes.


Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

25 Apr 09 - My new ministry

i've always tot usher ministry was the 'startup' to ministry work, afterall usher is frontline and so have i been.. but of course, my dear valerie thinks otherwise. besides 'the calling' she prophesized over me, she strongly suggested me to start in this new ministry, even though application form was for the position of usher which i needed her testimony as cgl.. in the end, well, since she was so persistent and having such confidence in me, the form was submitted for greeter ministry under her persistent strong recommendation.. anyway, knowing there are some friends who are still waiting on waiting list to join this new ministry and i might not pass the ministry interview.. what the heck, no harm trying, right?

serving in this new church ministry now, i cant help wondering if this is God's will/ calling for me..
1) called in to serve within 2mths, despite the supposedly 'long waiting list'
2) went thru the oblivious interview by ministry head too smoothly
3) always + cant help feeling joyful and excited for service..

serving as a greeter is like a dream come true for me, except in this first place, i didnt dream for it (more of like being 'pushed' to it).. through service, i get to meet my long-time-ago chuchmates (being a mega church, it's hard to bump into non-current cg friends nowadays) and interacting with visitors esp elderly and children (yes - i engage in conversations with them when i see the chance)... during praise n worship, i can even walk around to ensure assistance is rendered to service attendees; not just providing directions (ie urshering). basically, it's a very PR scope (hey, that's me, remember?) it kinda combine PR+ursher+counsellor role cos we do counsel and pray with people, when required. all in all, i really look forward to serve every sat, and even sundays if required...personally, i think it's also helping me to get over my stuttering habit. :)

Praise to God who has His plans in His providence! God is never far - He is nearer than your closest breathe! He knows what, how and when to guide (push) your steps!



Psalm 85: 12-13
The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps.

21 Apr 09 - Singapore General Hospital

have u ever thought how many lives are struggling in hospitals?
after visiting gwen's dad in SGH, i have to say.. SGH is a place full of memories.. walking up the slope, i wondered how many people was actually happy to walk under the covered pathway (at least i remembered i was in tears the last time i took that path).. at the block lobby, i was reminded of the times when my dad was hospitalised - how one turn in life can affect the rest of the life.. turning into the ward, i saw myself in my previous hospitalisations - how blessed i felt when i survived thru the various ops and infections.. i cant say those are happy memories, but once again, i was reminded how 'small' we human are.. with our so-called advanced technology and medical science, we thought we are able to handle what comes may, only to find out how wrong we are.. it makes me wonder if our Creator is smiling at these immatured assumptions of ours.. afterall, the greatness of dust is still dust..

oh, btw gwen commented something which made me wonder throughout my bus journey home..
she said i'm good with elderly, and i shld be a volunteer to accompany the old folks esp the hospitalised ones. honestly, i've never (seriously NEVER) thought i'd have the patience to hear the old people out (you know, how long-winded they can be with their long ago stories), let alone spending time with them. i've always regard myself to be a 'young' person who connects to youth better than with elderly or even children (that's why i enjoyed serving Amplify ministry). in my view, elderly are stubborn naggers; children are a bunch of rebels lacking in discipline, hence i dont think i have the patience for both of them.. but i guess i've improved~

come to think of it.. perhaps i have to thank my depression..
before that, you know i've been a 'do-it or do-it' person - dun waste my time if you are not taking my advice. i could talk so fast that my tongue had no problem flowing with my racing thoughts; i spoke how i felt to any one that i could be so blunt (bitchy) esp to those i know personally.. but now.. i find it difficult to be chatty in front of people, esp with those i have known so well.. i often find myself holding my tongue while putting up a mental 'STOP' sign to my flooding thoughts, which often results in stammering and in the end, i would rather keep quiet and listen instead.. nothing bad with that, in fact it helps me to be a better listener compared to the noisy (and pushy) vessel i had been.. i learn more things thru listening and i think it trains me up on my patience too.. *who says depression is bad?*

anyway i was surprised to hear that comment.. other than my improving relationship with my 'insolent and egoistic' dad (but he IS my EVER LOVING father!) i didn't think i could tolerate anyone else.. well, tit proves - there are always unexpected lessons at the turn of the road, if only you keep walking :)

20 Apr 09 - What is love?

read this qn:'what is love' somewhere recently.. been thinking abt it.. it makes sense that i have to learn to identify love, before seeking it.. afterall, how can seeker seek unless the sought for is identified..

biblical speaking, love is patient, love is kind..love never fails (1Cor 13:4-8). but how much do i know about this love.. ok, let's narrow it - love between a couple, a BGR rship.. i just heard over Class95 LoveSongs - 'love is bringing ur best for the person' (is it?) or even worse 'love is blind' (is love really blind?).. having the 'giver' personality, i prefer to think love is bringing out the best of the person..or even better, love is being the perfect person for the imperfect person.

how do you know you are in love? how do you know if this love will last forever?? .. no one can, and no one knows, yet there is something abut this love thingy that everyone is looking for.. one thing for sure, when u r in love, the person's imperfection will be accepted, are respected and even regarded in an indulgent manner. to put it crudely, it's 'turning a blind eye' to all imperfections of the person for the rest of your life.. .yes, it's possible when you are in love, and if u do so, you will in love for the rest of your life.. note: i have to qualify myself - that is NOT blind love. it's KNOWING -> ACCEPTING -> RESPECTING -> LOVING the person for who he/she is.

yet how many of us can do it? very often we hear comments like ' love fades', 'love fluctuates' .. surely, scientifically speaking, that lovey dovey feeling is nothing but an emotion - a release of chemicals with a similar structure to amphetamines, including adrenalin, dopamine, and norepinephrine etc.. we all desire this rush of chemicals into our brain, but how many of us really make the conscious effort to keep this onrush of chemicals flowing, to disregard all imperfections of our love as who they are no matter how they 'evolve'? yes, i say it again - it's a conscious effort of daily decisions, regardless how angry/ sad/ frustrated/ pissed off/ hurt/ disappointed/ insecured/ intimidated you are with the person. will you make the daily commitment to love his/her past+present+future? saying is easy, but can you walk the talk? (reminds me of Bosco's last speech..) .. a piece of advice for people in relationship now, please walk the talk - dont hurt the one you are loving now.

... i return to the place where this question once published.. and there is now a refined answer by the author - "Love is knowing the imperfection of who the person is and yet accepting it consciously/deliberately"

allow me ask again, what is love?

19 Apr 09 - Same or different church?

Top 5 needs of Female ~ Male :
1 - Affection ~ Sexual Fulfillment
2 - Conversation ~ Recreational Companion
3 - Honesty & Openness ~ Attractive Spouse
4 - Financial Support ~ Domestic Support
5 - Family Commitment ~ Admiration
Affection + Conversation + Sexual Fulfillment + Recreational Companion = ROMANCE

i wonder if i'm ready to face this ROMANCE thing... can you picture me - holding hands with a guy, walking as a pair of lovey-dovey?? ok, i think that's a sweet desirable feeling, but ... i cant imagine myself into that picture now.

last week , i was discussing with someone about my preference on my partner's church(ie which church will he likely to be from).. and it got me wondering if i shld put that into my criteria list? (talk about detailed and focus.. this will definitely narrow down my scope to the 20,ooo congregation. statistically, it's only a mere few thousands who are male, out of which only a real handful are serving in church. woah, that's what i call FOCUS!)

ya, i do agree the 'same church' principle - walking in the same move(flow) of God. .. somehow, even after a hard lesson with Bosco who is of different church, i still find it difficult to consider guys from same church. call it a rebellion spirit, but i just find it difficult .. or maybe, like what my cgl said 'u ve not found the right one yet'.. statistically, the percentage of ladies in my church are higher than men, and majority of guys i know are happily married or getting married. as for the bachelors remaining, .. i'm sorry, but i feel they seriously need to get a life - both spiritually and relevancy in this mortal world. *dont freak me out, ya?*

last night, or rather this morning, i got a shocking sms.. a church brother wanted to explore possibilities with me. i was so stunned yet decisive to give a outfront diplomatic 'thanks but no' reply.. nevertheless i really have to 'respect' him - he actually dare to ask or even harbour such thoughts. i'm not saying he's not nice, but.. it's VERY OBVIOUS that we are of different wavelength, different lifestyle! And we hardly exchange any words, even though we were in same cg! *dun worry abt embarrassment for us to meet again - i think i can handle that better than him!* i mean, come'on, if u r really looking for partner, why hide in your shell? when you finally able to step out, you surprise (scare!) people with such request?! ..seriously, some people are just WEIRD...WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.. kinda freak me out now.. *shudders* I think i better include him in my forwarding of those singles' activties emails, and i sure hope the best for him.

ok, then how abt the other churches? hmm.. let me think.. there's only 2 other churches which i'm comfortable with. but.. i hardly know of any interested bachelors who are serving actively in those churches..

come to think of it, being of different churches already has its own set of challenges, let alone being active in respective churches... but i think i've learnt well - no matter who i'm with or where i am, i will still serve in CHC, my home church with my ultimate focus - JESUS CHRIST .. as for the rest, well.. i'm sure a lot of initiatives and commitment from both sides are required.. sigh.. back to square one.

18 Apr 09 - 腳快斷了~

救命啊, 菁真的是瘋了! 菁真的是太喜歡跳舞了!

前天剛跑完5.6公厘, 雙腿的肌肉已經開始酸痛... 昨晚竟然還能忍著酸痛, 穿著高鞋跳了4個鐘頭的舞! 昨晚被邀出席Heineken啤酒在'BeerFest Asia 2009 '前奏'party, 就這樣'裡所當然'喝了些啤酒後就跟著節奏跳了起來.. 跳著跳著, 最後還是回到菁最感到情切的St James-Movida room (http://www.movida.sg/) .. 那裡的音樂更"糟糕"- 還得菁跳得腳都快斷了~

今早的菁雙腳簡直是痛死了!!.. 是真的好痛好痛好痛啦! 全家都出門了- 吃早飯, 逛街..小寶貝hugo不喜歡我晚歸, 大清早就和菁嘔氣.. 根本沒人可憐臥在床上喊痛的菁.. 哎唷, 菁決定等一會去做按摩, 應該會舒服點吧?.. 好痛, 好活該~
*好歹也同情菁一下嘛*

16 Apr 09 - JP Morgan Run Singapore 2009

i love running! since young, i've always like running.. maybe cos i'm a bit ego - my running timing had always been among the top 10 girls in school, beating most of the guys.. my record? 2.4km in 12mins, which of course, i really take pride in. it's only till the guys were enlisted into army (they were trained to run) and i started climbing my career ladder that i stopped running.. it's only last yr that i decided to kick off the laziness in me, using my son as my motivation, i started to jog again.. (afterall, running helps to fight depression, scientifically speaking)

in fact. i din know what came over me - when my company sent out the JP Morgan invitation, i was among the first to register and even got my colleagues involved (mind you, both of them are regular runners, while i'm only a 'baby' who's starting to run again). anyway, that's how i ended up at the run this evening.

i really have to give it to my marathon ex-cg members.. i wonder how do they keep focus in their run. personally, my focus today was on my sister who was in the midst of the crowd, and she was determined to join 'Johnny Walkers Club - Keep walking'.. all i had in mind was 'J, keep running till you find ur sister, then you can rest'.. with that in mind, i surprised myself with a non-stop distance of more than 3km. more than 3km!! i know it's not much, but hey, i've not been running for decade - this is quite a accomplishment, ok? non-stop,somemore!

at the turning mark, i decided my sister was way too behind cos i really couldn't see her anywhere in front. my 2 veteran colleagues were determined to run non-stop for the whole 5.6km run.. though i agree it'll be hard to keep the momentum once you stop for rest, but i know better than to push myself . trust me, the last thing i'd ever want is to trigger any possibility of asthma or leg cramp, or even worse - sudden death? honestly, such 3 km non-stop run is already a good personal record start. between 3-4km, i tried to challenge myself from slowing down; between 4-5km, i brisk walked instead; i tried to pick up speed again for the last lap of 600m.. and finally finished the race in a good personal record of a near 52mins. (hey that's good enough for me, ok? at least i can still walk the long stretch to the bus-stop after the race and be home now.) *btw, my parents are happy for me that i finished that run in that timing, despite of my medical history and lack of training, without grasping for air. *

but now that i'm resting on my bed, i can feel the legs muscles tensing up.. i doubt i'll be 'handicapped' tomorrow, but it sure brings back good memories on my running passion. maybe, just maybe.. i'll start to run long-distance again.. this time, with my hugo :)

15 Apr 09 - Salsa舞

菁再次回到喜愛的舞蹈班.. 好久沒有跳Salsa舞了, 最於決定從頭學起.. 只是這次是菁一個人報名上課, 沒有'正式'的舞伴..(還蠻想念與他共舞的日子, 他真的跳得很好; 在他的帶領下, 笨手笨腳的菁跳起舞來變得特別輕鬆) 這學校的學費不便宜喔, 課程又嚴格, 還好老師情切. 菁真的也蠻感謝SDU的會員優惠, 不然菁也不會再跳Salsa了..

這當班的學生很少, 只有4人 (2男2女).. 雖然偶爾在8拍的舞步裡不禁浮出他的影子, 但菁還是跳得開心. .. 怎麼說菁是喜愛跳舞的. 但可惜的是, 菁若想練習跳Salsa就得獨自去夜店搭訕了, 因為周圍的朋友都沒跳交際舞的嗜好.. 真可悲, 現在若想找位男生跳交際舞真的是可遇不可求, 少之又少. . 大家似乎有這觀念- 男生跳舞是很娘的作風, 但這也未免太誤解太偏見了吧? 菁反而認為男生若能把舞跳得好, 那他對女生的細心一定不在話下. 交際舞優美之處不是因為女舞蹈員跳得性感, 而是男舞蹈員的步步細心帶領. 因為他的細心讓舞伴放心, 所以女舞蹈員才能跳得輕鬆優雅..

菁剛才很偶然地看到墾丁Salsa嘉年華.. 那一定很熱鬧.. 在台灣, 愛跳交際舞的人比新加坡多, 更何況他們各個舞藝精湛.. 若時間可許, 菁真想見識見識..

13 Apr 09 - stay focused, guys

ok this is weird.. to be asked "can i ask you a personal question", which expectedly followed by "what do you look for in a life partner if you are lookg for one?" (i'm so tempted to reply 'i'm not looking for one' just to get off the hook, but i cant lie :)..

what goes around comes around.. i was just asking someone this question last sat, and here it comes back to me now.. what the heck.. let me recall what was his answer, perhaps i can cut n paste as my answer.. afterall i think that answer is very similiar to mine.. in the end, thanks to my 'female priviledge', i mananged to craft my way around and gotten him to reveal his answer instead.. then.. how expected - same vague answer with that someone i asked last sat, or even worse. *guys, please be focused - know what you are looking for SPECIFICALLY* ok, i got to give that someone some credit - at least his 4 scopes of attraction is more defined than this guy here. but seriously, guys, esp when we all know male are visual seekers, pls do not tell me 'pleasant', 'sweet looking'.. what load of crap.. PLEASE BE SPECIFIC~

and if u r thinking of referencing my 20 requirements, that's a great idea! you really must pray hard for that dream~ there's one thing i can assure you - my 20 criterias are totally attainable and possible. the guy doesnt even need to cultivate or whatsoever, it'll be so natural for him.. if the 5 core are fulfilled, the rest will be automatically met. come'on, even my girlfriends in cg say it's totally simple requirement.. pls, i'm such a practical woman, totally realistic as well.. how impossible can it be?

so, guys, think about your requirements again.. fine-tune, and be focused.. i'll be back again with this question 'frisbee'.. watch'cha for it!

12 Apr 09 - Eyes on my head?

very often when i tell new friends that i'm single and has joined SDU to know more friends.. they usually will give me a skeptical look, followed by 'why not find someone from your church?' or something similiar..

to be honest, i've yet to come across any guy in my church who can really 'communicate' with me.. yes, i know i have 'my eyes on my head', but still.. no guy i know comes near to my frequency, or perhaps they dont dare to? actually, .. i really dun expect him to be of same church. perhaps i'm more of non-conformist but one thing he must be is to be firmly rooted in his church, and even serving actively in it. yes i know it's paradox.. but if he is not firmly rooted into the House of God, it reflects his spiritual commitment and even maturity. without roots, how can the plant flourish? but if he is active in his own church, where would he have time to get to know me? trust me, there's always time for something if you really want to do it, so no excuse. and perhaps cos chc is a hyper-active church with lotsa activities, i really need his support and understanding to walk this path together. it's only fair that he is also active in his calling.

and to add to the list, i guess it's only logical.. having gone through what i've gone thru, i really hope he'll be accepted by my unofficial godfamily too.. though they are not official, but i really do respect my goddaddy a lot, i really mean A LOT. knowing how much he really cares for a total stranger during my depression (pls read my past blog for details), he has my all respect and is more than a mentor to me. i have not seen another man ard me with so much love yet so humble to serve and love people, except pastors and leaders in church.. and of course,CTK has been a very special place for me.. i really hope he'll enjoy himself there too..

is above items too much to ask?

10 Apr 09 - Good Friday

despite the rain, i went CTK Mass today.. knowing it's just an hr's Mass, knowing i'm not in RCIA ministry anymore, not a catholic, not an 'obligation'.. i still went.. dragging my feet? no, not really.. i guess God must be reading my blog, cos after that blog entry on my hypocritical behaviour, the Joy returns to me.. no longer it's a normal routine, but a joy to stay faithful, to keep doing what is right in His eyes.. Gal 6:9 'Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.' so even if the whole world fails, i will still keep doing what is right. i'm sowing seeds.. knowing that these seeds will bring forth a harvest in due season!

anyway, back to the Mass today.. though i met the RCIA group and my goddaddy, but.. somehow i need more than that.. i need somewhere, someone to unload my nicely packaged burdens.. those parcels which i've been carrying past mths have been dragging my spirit down.. it was till the Veneration of the Cross that really liberated me.. kneeling before Jesus at the Altar, i suddenly realised why i have this 'urge' to attend this Mass (though i already have to attend 2 CHC services on coming Sunday).. it's bcos i can really worship Him and place my all at the cross.. really literally speaking.. it's all been done - what has to be done had been done at the Cross. i almost wanted to keep kneeling, if not for i'm already the last person of the section and the whole congregation will be looking at me..

come to think of it, what had Jesus done to be nailed to the shame of Cross? He was teaching the Truth of Life and loving people wholeheartedly - healing the sick and dead with wonders and miracles, totally well-loved by the people.. yet bcos He humbled Himself to do the Will of His (Our) Father, He was sent to such a disgraceful and totally inhumane way of death, when i should be the one nailed to the cross for my sins and shame.. obligation? obedience?? pure love??? in any way, He did exchange His life for our eternal Salvation. THAT, my dear, is a GREAT SACRIFICE OF LOVE. i was not even born and was such strong 'anti-Christ' for the first 16yrs of my mortal life, yet He chose to love me to His Death.. those of you who have not experienced His Great Love, it may seem as a 'fairy-tale story', but trust me, the moment your eyes are opened to His Love and Grace, no matter how many 'I love you' cannot contain or measure the Greatness of God. ... He is simply too immersing and enormous, even for our wildest imagination.

Great is His Love! I LOVE YOU, JESUS!!


Psa 103: 11-14
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

7 Apr 09 - Girls' Night Out

i dont know how true this is - once a woman is of the big 3, no matter how sociable she is with the guys, she desires the companionship from her girlfriends.. having a girls' night out has never been so fun..

well, at least it's happening to me and my girlfriends.. personally i started seeking for girlie support at the beginning of this yr, when i sorta gotten tired of going out with the SDU group (mostly guys).. and my uni girlfriends are settled/settling down with their bfs... then, like a planned blessing, my primary sch girlfriends started to re-establish contacts and turning my dreadful fridays into somewhat fun.. and i can foresee this friday group is getting larger cos i just met up with another pri sch girlfriend.. she is interested to be informed on fridays too..

what thought to be a healing support is turning out to be quite a bonding group.. well, might as well, since the 'founders' - XY and yours faithfully have just been through a tough break in rship and more friends are welcome to join.. oh did i tell you we happened to born on the same day of same yr; had a similiar bad experience with both ex-bf 4yrs younger; have similiar dress sense, likes and dislikes.. and yes, we express what we feel - no hidden agenda (anything hidden cant be hidden for long anyway)..practically, i feel for her and she for me.. we are like counselors to each other with the same analytical view on everything and everyone ard us.. typical aquarius.. the only thing that differentiate us is she is in design field, while i'm in HR. we tend to freak each other out with too much discovery of our similiarities..

ok, coming back to this GNO (Girls' Night Out) thingy.. i had never thought i'd enjoy such gatherings, afterall i've been a guy's buddy girl for past 30yrs. trust me, both my sis have their sister;y groups of friends since pri sch.. but me, my gerfriends are really limited, let alone this. can you believe we really chatted non-stop for past 4hrs in our recent GNO, only to end cos the cafe closes at 11pm. it's true! though i'm not a 'sit-still' person, but we really sat at that table and talk all the way throughout our dinner (i wonder if we are becoming aunties) .. i have no doubt that we will continue yakking and laughing if not for the closure.

sometimes.. this new comfortable attachment can be so snugly that the idea of homosexuality comes into my mind.. not that i'm against lesbians or gays, i love them - in fact they are very nice and sensitive people created by our Father. i like befriending gays - they are literally girl's best friends, every girl's essential friend. :) ..but, dont worry, i know what i'm called to do.. :)

5 Apr 09 - i'm not singaporean

did i tell u before? for those whom i have not, I LOVE RAINY DAY!
ok, i know i also love sunny day for the sensational heat onto the skin.. but i just love love it when i can sit on my bed with my hot pot of tea, listen to the downpour of blessings from Heaven, and of course, thinking abt ... alot of things.. just me and myself in this moment.. i dun need the stillness of night, just this and this emcompasses my definition of 'relaxation'..

you know, i've been doing quite a lot of silly quizzes in Facebook these days.. the most recent was "are you 100% singaporean".. guess what is my result? "you are not singaporean, but you can live here" oh my goodness, i really do take pride of being singaporean ok? so much so that i studied hotel management cos i had this embassador dream for singapore.. it's true!! i can even vouch on the ridiculous stringent language tests required in MFA interviews cos i went through those nerve-breaking tests twice! that place is recruiting linguistic aliens, not human! (ok, that's my dream job per se.) anyway i went massage ytd and my masseur thought i'm from China (my masseur changes eveytime and all thinks this way).. for better or worse, i cant comment.. but i really hope to have some 'consensus' on my sense of belonging, even though i cannot partake of those chilli spicy food which are singapore's culinary icon (though i love north indian food) and i dont really like to shop (national hobby) now. trust me, i love singapore~

search for personal identity.. a process of adolescence.. who would think that an 'auntie' of 30 is still searching for her self-identification, seeking for support and consensus on her sense of belonging? then again, i think everyone is always searching for confirmation and affirmation throughout their life.. 'how do i look', 'should i do this..' these are common questions esp among us females whose social insecurity are higher than our counterparts. .. i cant be the only one seeking at this age, right? come'on, let the truth surface...

2 Apr 09 - Keep doing what is right

today i had a weird day.. for no reason, i was really very tired after work.. for no reason, i fell asleep while having a quick-fix of 40mins foot reflexology; for no reason, i was sure that i boarded bus 145 which turned out to be bus 143, after a long bizzare distance into the 'forbidden' west coast.. in the end i had to alight in a spooky unfamiliar place (with not much human existence) and be very late for cellgroup meeting (i was quite reluctant to go actually)..

i dont know what was the message shared, but through some sharing during fellowship, i know it impacted them.. a Word in season for them.. i'm happy for them. when i arrived, all i got to participated was praying in agreement and sowing of seeds.. the meeting ended 20mins after my arrival. this was the shortest cellgroup meeting i've ever had yet it turned out to be a big lesson for me.. honestly i have to thank Joyce Meyer for this..

even though i'm draining on the inside - emo and spiritual, i know i have to keep on doing what is right in eyes of God.. yes, you might comment i'm hypocrite - to go through the motion without any passion in it. yes i agree - even i feel so.. but i have learnt never to let go of what is right in God's eyes - Keep doing what is right and your feelings will follow eventually. cellgroup meetings, prayer meetings, services and even Bible study.. i cant tell you how many times i want to play traunt, how many times i had to drag myself to attend.. i even tried to disassociate from fellowship or any contact with 'church people', yet i pushed myself to be mingle, to remain 'sociable'.. it's true - these are my struggles and battles for past months..

similiarly for today, i dragged myself to attend a already-very-late meeting (i know i have to cos this is my allocated cg.. and i dont want to 'waste' another day to attend make-up cg). in the end, i received a pat on my back for being an inspiration, for being persistent through inconvenience. huh? me?? the J who has been finding all kind of excuses and means, and some lies, to skip church commitment??? i was SHOCKED. frankly, i was SPEECHLESS. that sure sounded like praise to my hypocritical commitment, yet in amid of total embarrassment, it's an strong encouragement to keep doing what is right. i am happy to hear.. i know it cant come from anyone, except from God who sees and knows my 'efforts'..

please do not get me wrong - i'm not saying that i'm encouraged to remain hypocritical. instead it's like splashing a pail of water onto this draining soul, it really refreshed me and spurred me on to keep focusing on doing what i should. feelings fluctuate, but commitment persists. as long as i keep doing what is right and pleasing in His eyes, i know there will be one day when i will not be in this roller-coaster ride of being drenched and drained. faithfulness endures trials..