'Going the distance' is like 'THE MOVIE' for me. that's why my dear eirene wanted me to watch it with her. true enough, it's so freaking REALITY show to me! the missing each other in long distance rshhip, the 'effort' of trying to stay in one place (city) yet the 'feel bad' feeling of having the other party relocating cos of the rship.. what the hell! what good friends i have in helping me to recover!
through out the show, it's like reflection of how i hugged my darling with tears of 'goodbye,we'll meet again', how i cant bear to leave yet i know i have to, how we dicussed about the plan of relocation.. i tell you, it's not an easy show for me to watch, even though it's comedy. every scene and every issue they face are so real in my life, so vivid in my reality. trust me, i really freak eirene off now and then in the movie. it's just so mean of her to arrange this movie!! i know reality is cruel but freak, this is what i've been through with my darling minwei! every scene, every issue and concerns! how we missed each other so much, how upset we were when we couldnt meet!! what the f! my eyes were so near to teary!!
but like i said, it's a comedy. so the couple managed to end well with discussion, commitment and appreciation of sacrifices. well, they ended it in a very sad but matured way, yet the guy decided to return to her after deciding she is the one for him. their love and missing for each other hold them together, even though they 'broke up' and had separate lives for 6mths. how i wish my darling will be the same to me too, but 6mth? ok, anyway these '6mths' i have to fight this depression monster in my life - so it's 'living separately' now i supposed? but i pray our love and missing will hold us together like that in movie, bringing happy ending to this long distance rship. i just miss my darling so much..
darling, if you are reading,i encourage you to watch 'Going the Distance' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1322312/) .. i miss you..
我住长江头，君住长江尾，日日思君不见君，共饮长江水。此水几时休，此恨何时已，只愿君心似我心，定不负相思意。
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
28 Sep 10 - finally, i'm ALIVE in NETBALL!
today must be the happiest day since whatever happened. i dropped all my stressed load (still piling up as i type) and just joined a netball session in orchard!
i actually chanced upon this new 'course' on sun and i immediately registered for it on monday, depsite all cost.*it's not expensive actually, just that why should i pay for something which i've played well?* anyway, that's how i ended up alone in the class.
there're 2 guys in the class and boy, they really defensed well cos they're freaking taller than us ladies! but i sure i had great fun - re-learning the moves and tactics.. i even made new friends :) at the end of all, we had a GREAT game! for the first time in my exercise life, since i left school, i actually felt SO ALIVE! though running the full court as attacker is freaking tiring, but i sure and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! shouting for ball, passing the ball, anticipating the flow of game, paying attention to my footwork and balance.. and i even scored 2 goals! *shooting goals is never my forte, but i'm so happy with my smooth goals!!* seriously, for the 120mins, i really re-lived my netball days in school.. nothing to worry about, nothing to think, except cooperation and coordination with team. it's just AWESOME! i really look forward to every tuesdays now - for the 2hr of netball! for those of you dont know me well, netball IS my passion, but it's just so hard to gather 14 players who really know how to play netball seriously! the rules of netball is simple but many just regard it as basketball~ :(
i an really so so alive and confident of myself (finally!) that i even walked down the street of orchard in my sport attire! i'm just too tired and too sweaty to change back into my work clothes. anyway, heck it, just treat it as i just came from gym.. an open gym. i really love playing netball. even after these 12 sessions, i think i'll still continue and keep this as my weekly routine. afterall, my OLC told me to love myself, right? i love netball, and i'm loving myself playing netball! trust me, even 10km run didnt make me sweat and aching like this 2hr of game. it's totally exasperatingly fun~ not that i'm not going to aim as a netball coach. i just like immersing myself in this game, more than other game. perhaps cos those were the best day of my school life.. school team and we won the national championship!
back to reality, i'm aching all over now, esp my tights! imagine running and supporting full court of players! gosh, i hate to admit but i am getting old. time to get back my stamina, in order to last longer in the game and have better performance! i really urge you people to join me! netball is just so so so FUN! I LOVE NETBALL!
i actually chanced upon this new 'course' on sun and i immediately registered for it on monday, depsite all cost.*it's not expensive actually, just that why should i pay for something which i've played well?* anyway, that's how i ended up alone in the class.
there're 2 guys in the class and boy, they really defensed well cos they're freaking taller than us ladies! but i sure i had great fun - re-learning the moves and tactics.. i even made new friends :) at the end of all, we had a GREAT game! for the first time in my exercise life, since i left school, i actually felt SO ALIVE! though running the full court as attacker is freaking tiring, but i sure and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it! shouting for ball, passing the ball, anticipating the flow of game, paying attention to my footwork and balance.. and i even scored 2 goals! *shooting goals is never my forte, but i'm so happy with my smooth goals!!* seriously, for the 120mins, i really re-lived my netball days in school.. nothing to worry about, nothing to think, except cooperation and coordination with team. it's just AWESOME! i really look forward to every tuesdays now - for the 2hr of netball! for those of you dont know me well, netball IS my passion, but it's just so hard to gather 14 players who really know how to play netball seriously! the rules of netball is simple but many just regard it as basketball~ :(
i an really so so alive and confident of myself (finally!) that i even walked down the street of orchard in my sport attire! i'm just too tired and too sweaty to change back into my work clothes. anyway, heck it, just treat it as i just came from gym.. an open gym. i really love playing netball. even after these 12 sessions, i think i'll still continue and keep this as my weekly routine. afterall, my OLC told me to love myself, right? i love netball, and i'm loving myself playing netball! trust me, even 10km run didnt make me sweat and aching like this 2hr of game. it's totally exasperatingly fun~ not that i'm not going to aim as a netball coach. i just like immersing myself in this game, more than other game. perhaps cos those were the best day of my school life.. school team and we won the national championship!
back to reality, i'm aching all over now, esp my tights! imagine running and supporting full court of players! gosh, i hate to admit but i am getting old. time to get back my stamina, in order to last longer in the game and have better performance! i really urge you people to join me! netball is just so so so FUN! I LOVE NETBALL!
Monday, September 27, 2010
27 Sep 10 - 1st psychiatrist - mr OLC
i really thank all of you for remembering my 'big'day today - my appt w psychiatrist. thank you people for all the smses to 'chase' me out of office, and smses of concern to follow-up with my appointment.
though all of you (i really mean ALL) agreed it's a waste of time cos whatever my 'uncle' psychiatrist was telling me, you people have been doing so for past months.. EXCEPT he has the authority to prescribe medication :) not that i'm addicted to anti-depressants but i just need them till i can stand up alone (that's what my psych said too). in fact, i'm so open to him (this is just so j~) that i told him my long long history and how i am angry with myself and God etc. i guess the session took an hour. being controlling j, i even tried to 'counsel' myself in front of him before he could comment on me. in the end, my eyes were filled with tears and he grabbed the napkins as though 'it's normal'..
his professional analysis made me wonder if i'm too easy to understand, in terms of my all-giving in rship. his conclusion - i've been badly traumatised by relationship. people do break up and get on with it, but i am badly traumatised so much so that i slipped into depression. and his 'best' news - this depression wont go away from my life! all he can do is to help me to love myself. instead of defending and caring for my 'no backbone' ex-bfs *trust me, that is the word he used!*, i should learn to shoot arrows of blame on them, not hurting myself. he didnt even want me to hold onto any hope cos they are just not worthy of me. *see, i told you he's on the side of you people* but i still defended for my darling. not bcos i cant lose him, but i really love him. i cant convince him but i know i have to listen to him if i want to win this battle. he's my commander of war now - i will listen to him, whatever and however blunt he is. *frankly, he reminds me of ian except i dont have to pay ian to be blunt to me!* i suspect he's a Christian, cos he's kinda 'upset' when i told him i'm angry and faithless in God now. but heck it, I AM UPSET WITH THE HIGHEST!
overall, the experience is of normal doc consultation - how you'd relate your flu/cough condition to doc. there's a sofa armchair, but i dont think (hope not!) i need to use that. from today onwards, despite what 'waste of time' it might be, he's officially my psychiatrist now, totally in charge of my depression battle. he's even so nice to me that he called his close counsellor friend and instructed his secretary to arrange an appointment for me. and he specifically only want that friend of his to take care of me. he's just like a 'nagging' father doctor. ok, for the fatherly love, i think i can justify that cost of consultation. btw, his medication is cheaper than i thought! it's less than S$120 in total~
though all of you (i really mean ALL) agreed it's a waste of time cos whatever my 'uncle' psychiatrist was telling me, you people have been doing so for past months.. EXCEPT he has the authority to prescribe medication :) not that i'm addicted to anti-depressants but i just need them till i can stand up alone (that's what my psych said too). in fact, i'm so open to him (this is just so j~) that i told him my long long history and how i am angry with myself and God etc. i guess the session took an hour. being controlling j, i even tried to 'counsel' myself in front of him before he could comment on me. in the end, my eyes were filled with tears and he grabbed the napkins as though 'it's normal'..
his professional analysis made me wonder if i'm too easy to understand, in terms of my all-giving in rship. his conclusion - i've been badly traumatised by relationship. people do break up and get on with it, but i am badly traumatised so much so that i slipped into depression. and his 'best' news - this depression wont go away from my life! all he can do is to help me to love myself. instead of defending and caring for my 'no backbone' ex-bfs *trust me, that is the word he used!*, i should learn to shoot arrows of blame on them, not hurting myself. he didnt even want me to hold onto any hope cos they are just not worthy of me. *see, i told you he's on the side of you people* but i still defended for my darling. not bcos i cant lose him, but i really love him. i cant convince him but i know i have to listen to him if i want to win this battle. he's my commander of war now - i will listen to him, whatever and however blunt he is. *frankly, he reminds me of ian except i dont have to pay ian to be blunt to me!* i suspect he's a Christian, cos he's kinda 'upset' when i told him i'm angry and faithless in God now. but heck it, I AM UPSET WITH THE HIGHEST!
overall, the experience is of normal doc consultation - how you'd relate your flu/cough condition to doc. there's a sofa armchair, but i dont think (hope not!) i need to use that. from today onwards, despite what 'waste of time' it might be, he's officially my psychiatrist now, totally in charge of my depression battle. he's even so nice to me that he called his close counsellor friend and instructed his secretary to arrange an appointment for me. and he specifically only want that friend of his to take care of me. he's just like a 'nagging' father doctor. ok, for the fatherly love, i think i can justify that cost of consultation. btw, his medication is cheaper than i thought! it's less than S$120 in total~
Sunday, September 26, 2010
26 Sep 10 - my 3rd death..body, mind and soul
i dream of my darling minwei... something happy, somehow enjoyable.. i woke up with such missing and 'happiness' even though i've forgotten what the dream was about. darling, are you still reading my blog? do you still think of me? i do still think of you, miss you.. despite my efforts to live 'independently' now. darling, i really miss you so much.. how have you been doing? still busy??
tomorrow is the day i've been surviving for - appointment with my senior psychiatrist. i really dont know how to tell him my long story, but i know i need his help (and professional medication) badly to fight this beast, this barbarian within me. i really cant stand this time-bomb anymore.. darling, will you pray for me to recover? will you be here with me when i recover?
i dont know if you have read my first blog - i died before. this is verified by my operating surgeon. by God's grace, i came back to life. i was once dead, now still alive. what made me want to return? cos i know my bf (ex-bf now) was waiting for me outside the operating room, i saw him outside when i was away from my body. will you be here? be my strength to recover, wait for me to come back alive as i was?
this can be considered as my 3rd death. i was dead physically (as mentioned above), dead emotionally (as last rship) and now i'm dying (dead) spiritually-body, mind and soul. i try to be sane and hold onto whatever i can for my soul, before i totally lose it. however, i dont have the strength to play this tug-of-war with the devil. i need help to pull my soul, my faith back.. will you help me?
remember my earthy angel - uncle bonnie? we dont contact each other,but he always send timely sms of faith messages to me. he just did so, and i opened my faithless situation to him. he promised to keep praying for me.. he is just amazing- only appear when i am in my pit. i know you people are my earthly angels and protectors too, standing in the gap for me in prayers. seriously, your faith n prayers have to be really specific (trust me, God is too busy to 'filter' generic prayers) if you are praying.. can some of you pray for my darling minwei too? he needs guidance, peace and love from Him, esp as new believer. please pray for minwei, ok? thank you, my angels~
tomorrow is the day i've been surviving for - appointment with my senior psychiatrist. i really dont know how to tell him my long story, but i know i need his help (and professional medication) badly to fight this beast, this barbarian within me. i really cant stand this time-bomb anymore.. darling, will you pray for me to recover? will you be here with me when i recover?
i dont know if you have read my first blog - i died before. this is verified by my operating surgeon. by God's grace, i came back to life. i was once dead, now still alive. what made me want to return? cos i know my bf (ex-bf now) was waiting for me outside the operating room, i saw him outside when i was away from my body. will you be here? be my strength to recover, wait for me to come back alive as i was?
this can be considered as my 3rd death. i was dead physically (as mentioned above), dead emotionally (as last rship) and now i'm dying (dead) spiritually-body, mind and soul. i try to be sane and hold onto whatever i can for my soul, before i totally lose it. however, i dont have the strength to play this tug-of-war with the devil. i need help to pull my soul, my faith back.. will you help me?
remember my earthy angel - uncle bonnie? we dont contact each other,but he always send timely sms of faith messages to me. he just did so, and i opened my faithless situation to him. he promised to keep praying for me.. he is just amazing- only appear when i am in my pit. i know you people are my earthly angels and protectors too, standing in the gap for me in prayers. seriously, your faith n prayers have to be really specific (trust me, God is too busy to 'filter' generic prayers) if you are praying.. can some of you pray for my darling minwei too? he needs guidance, peace and love from Him, esp as new believer. please pray for minwei, ok? thank you, my angels~
Friday, September 24, 2010
24 Sep 10 - 2 invitations in 1 day
you people know i've been trying to get myself some routine activities, some 'fixed schedule' so i can look forward to and hopefully exhaust all my energy in.. i thank God for eirene and elsie who really took the trouble to keep me accompany every weekends - as a routine. however, i know i have to get myself occupied more than that.. hopefully something i enjoy doing (like my work) and i can just keep doing in the company of friends.. i asked ian, n he told me to be myself-netball, badminton or any sports.. but it's hard to find a group to play sports together, unlike him n his usual soccer friends.
then, i received an email to be part of my company's corporate social responsibility team. basically, this team just organise corporate events or bonding activities to foster closer rship in work environment. guess what, i'm 'called in' as part of the core team. i've freaking no idea whose plan is this, but i'm pretty glad to be in events management (my favourite since school days). i wonder who else is in this team, and what event can we come up with on top of our daily overload. but heck, i think i will enjoy this unexpected responsibility - a chance to mingle n network with the US management team too. what a timely plan from dont-know-who.
then again, when i got home after clearing most mails from my 2 office inbox, i received another invitation to be a volunteer in dog shelter. i cant say i'm totally thrilled cos i can foresee some heartpain and tears to see those little ones in pain and abandonment. but i agree to the job anyway. i know i have to accept cos i love animals more than humans. i feel and communicate better with animals than humans. though i'm not a vet (no inspiration to be so) but i just want to help these little ones in ways i can. if i have my own house, i can even turn it into animal shelter - you know i will!
so that's it. 2 invitations to occupy my time n energy in future. i dont know when it'll start but i know i've corporate core team meeting next week. hey, i'm part of core team~ i really hope i'll be really really busy and overloaded!
then, i received an email to be part of my company's corporate social responsibility team. basically, this team just organise corporate events or bonding activities to foster closer rship in work environment. guess what, i'm 'called in' as part of the core team. i've freaking no idea whose plan is this, but i'm pretty glad to be in events management (my favourite since school days). i wonder who else is in this team, and what event can we come up with on top of our daily overload. but heck, i think i will enjoy this unexpected responsibility - a chance to mingle n network with the US management team too. what a timely plan from dont-know-who.
then again, when i got home after clearing most mails from my 2 office inbox, i received another invitation to be a volunteer in dog shelter. i cant say i'm totally thrilled cos i can foresee some heartpain and tears to see those little ones in pain and abandonment. but i agree to the job anyway. i know i have to accept cos i love animals more than humans. i feel and communicate better with animals than humans. though i'm not a vet (no inspiration to be so) but i just want to help these little ones in ways i can. if i have my own house, i can even turn it into animal shelter - you know i will!
so that's it. 2 invitations to occupy my time n energy in future. i dont know when it'll start but i know i've corporate core team meeting next week. hey, i'm part of core team~ i really hope i'll be really really busy and overloaded!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
23 Sep 10 - motherly love to hugo
i must be super woman today..
last night my hugo had a really bad sorethroat that he cant sleep.. i spent the whole night massaging and comforting him till 6am, when he was so tired that he finally fell asleep.. i was simply so tired - i think i can understand how parents feel when their child is sick. my son was my whole focus last night.. he really means a lot to me. only when he finally dozed off in peace and no more coughs, i finally closed my eyes for rest.. i woke up in shock at 830am (my work officially starts at 9am)..
thanks for grand prix road closure around suntec, i think most offices are really being relaxing this week. when i walked into office at 945am, everyone seem to just get started working.. so i went around giving my morning hugs again. this time, my director came out n saw, he took the liberty to announce 'free hugs!'. then another director came out and hugged me. they are just so cute and fun when they are having fun~ surprised by my resolution, they welcomed it with out-stretched arms. those 2 big fatherly kids~
well, i left office at 545pm, esp everyone had left early to beat the road closure traffic. having a great meal with gwen n belvri at a new place, i like that place - totally not-so-crowded yet in the heart of orchard. and the food was great~ for the first time for past months, i managed to finish my food. it's really great company, great good and great service~ felt like a friday night, wish every night could be like this... it helps in my defense against depression.
last night my hugo had a really bad sorethroat that he cant sleep.. i spent the whole night massaging and comforting him till 6am, when he was so tired that he finally fell asleep.. i was simply so tired - i think i can understand how parents feel when their child is sick. my son was my whole focus last night.. he really means a lot to me. only when he finally dozed off in peace and no more coughs, i finally closed my eyes for rest.. i woke up in shock at 830am (my work officially starts at 9am)..
thanks for grand prix road closure around suntec, i think most offices are really being relaxing this week. when i walked into office at 945am, everyone seem to just get started working.. so i went around giving my morning hugs again. this time, my director came out n saw, he took the liberty to announce 'free hugs!'. then another director came out and hugged me. they are just so cute and fun when they are having fun~ surprised by my resolution, they welcomed it with out-stretched arms. those 2 big fatherly kids~
well, i left office at 545pm, esp everyone had left early to beat the road closure traffic. having a great meal with gwen n belvri at a new place, i like that place - totally not-so-crowded yet in the heart of orchard. and the food was great~ for the first time for past months, i managed to finish my food. it's really great company, great good and great service~ felt like a friday night, wish every night could be like this... it helps in my defense against depression.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
22 Sep 10 - day 3 of hugging
i survived till wed; tmr is thurs.. and f1 grand prix is happening all around my office block - causing such traffic blockage and jam. despite of all these hipe (and stress), i survive till now. i'm really living by the day now, not wanting to think further than tmr. after all i've been through, tmr may be just my 'recall' day for all i know, just waiting for His recall..
again, i did my hugging rounds and well received by my colleagues and friends. though some are curious on my resolution, nevertheless they welcome this idea of hugz. seriously, who can resist a hug though it's from a boney person? when i sensed i'm getting upset over some issues, i quickly went to my hugging partners. it's better than hiding in the washroom, right?
a lot of thing start from ownself. like ian said, we have to be responsible for our actions and decisions. i totally agree, but this time of 'tribulation' is kinda too hard for me to bear. i know many of you are praying for me to let go and let God.. 'let go and let God' is such familiar phrase and faith i used to have but now.. perhaps godma is right - let me take time to recover, to come back to Him. afterall, you people got to have faith in your prayers - the power of prayers work wonders. *trust me, i experienced it again n again* though i'm not into spiritual stuff now, but i still believe in the power of prayers. so, people, keep your faith strong and prayers fervent - He will answer your prayers.. eventually. :) even ian is holding his faith for me on this..
dont ask me how's my darling now.. cos i dont dare to log into FB.. i miss him, i really do, yet i m also scare of any 'bad news' from him.. i cant face it now, not now. i have to recover from this depression first, before i can stand up.. i'm still crawling.. crawling toward 27Sep where my help - senior psychiatrist appointment. somehow, it gives me comfort that he's 'senior'. not just a normal psychiatrist. i really need help, need expert serious help~
by the way, tonight my sister is of furthest distance from earth. though she is far, but she is just as beautiful as ever.. she saw me thru my tears, my joy, esp my loneliness. just as gentle as she is, she is always here for me. thank you, my dearie sister..
again, i did my hugging rounds and well received by my colleagues and friends. though some are curious on my resolution, nevertheless they welcome this idea of hugz. seriously, who can resist a hug though it's from a boney person? when i sensed i'm getting upset over some issues, i quickly went to my hugging partners. it's better than hiding in the washroom, right?
a lot of thing start from ownself. like ian said, we have to be responsible for our actions and decisions. i totally agree, but this time of 'tribulation' is kinda too hard for me to bear. i know many of you are praying for me to let go and let God.. 'let go and let God' is such familiar phrase and faith i used to have but now.. perhaps godma is right - let me take time to recover, to come back to Him. afterall, you people got to have faith in your prayers - the power of prayers work wonders. *trust me, i experienced it again n again* though i'm not into spiritual stuff now, but i still believe in the power of prayers. so, people, keep your faith strong and prayers fervent - He will answer your prayers.. eventually. :) even ian is holding his faith for me on this..
dont ask me how's my darling now.. cos i dont dare to log into FB.. i miss him, i really do, yet i m also scare of any 'bad news' from him.. i cant face it now, not now. i have to recover from this depression first, before i can stand up.. i'm still crawling.. crawling toward 27Sep where my help - senior psychiatrist appointment. somehow, it gives me comfort that he's 'senior'. not just a normal psychiatrist. i really need help, need expert serious help~
by the way, tonight my sister is of furthest distance from earth. though she is far, but she is just as beautiful as ever.. she saw me thru my tears, my joy, esp my loneliness. just as gentle as she is, she is always here for me. thank you, my dearie sister..
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
21 Sep 10 - poor angie and now me
can i tell u people that i'm totally stressed up and f** up today? stressed cos angie is away and today is singapore's payroll closing, so damn lot of 'last-minute' payroll enquiry and adjustments, on top of what i have to do - offboard and onboard freaking people in oct! that also told me how busy angie had been - totally no time to organise her cases! they're simply too much and too many! it's insane how she survived the 3yrs! anyway, with my current condition, i really lost my concentration! so many things to do, so many reports to run and enquiries to answer! wtf!
in the end, obviously my work quality was affected - too obvious not to be missed. how can i overlooked such simple small details!! i really upset with myself! i dont blame my boss for his stern 'advice' but i am simply totally upset with MYSELF! how can i make such idiot mistake! i'm so upset that i had to call it a day, though i still have piles of cases on my table.
i'm so upset that i just had to talk to someone, someone who cares.. i called guoqing. and you know what? that guy!! that guy was having great feast on typhoon mid-autumn day!! wtf! he can even tell me where his location is (i knew that place!) and gosh, i really do miss those days of 'freedom' and carefree times.. feeling the pacific sea breeze on the cliff, and it'll sure make me feel like jumping down the cliff. anyway, i really miss those days in taiwan, my 2nd home.
he brought up his 'retreat proposal' again.. if i am not holding onto my last strain of sanity and calmness then, i'd have jump into that plan! it's just so tempting when i'm freaking TIRED of fighting this depression, this panic attacks! i'm just so tired of wearing masks, fighting the hell of me to concentration.. in fact, the only one thing i look forward to now is my hugging rounds - i really went around hugging all my colleagues from 4th,21st and 31st floors. (btw, i made another 2 daily hugging partners.)
sigh.. godma told me to take my time to recover, but do i have the time? .. i just want to lead a simple normal life! i'm not prophet, can i have a easier cross to bear?
in the end, obviously my work quality was affected - too obvious not to be missed. how can i overlooked such simple small details!! i really upset with myself! i dont blame my boss for his stern 'advice' but i am simply totally upset with MYSELF! how can i make such idiot mistake! i'm so upset that i had to call it a day, though i still have piles of cases on my table.
i'm so upset that i just had to talk to someone, someone who cares.. i called guoqing. and you know what? that guy!! that guy was having great feast on typhoon mid-autumn day!! wtf! he can even tell me where his location is (i knew that place!) and gosh, i really do miss those days of 'freedom' and carefree times.. feeling the pacific sea breeze on the cliff, and it'll sure make me feel like jumping down the cliff. anyway, i really miss those days in taiwan, my 2nd home.
he brought up his 'retreat proposal' again.. if i am not holding onto my last strain of sanity and calmness then, i'd have jump into that plan! it's just so tempting when i'm freaking TIRED of fighting this depression, this panic attacks! i'm just so tired of wearing masks, fighting the hell of me to concentration.. in fact, the only one thing i look forward to now is my hugging rounds - i really went around hugging all my colleagues from 4th,21st and 31st floors. (btw, i made another 2 daily hugging partners.)
sigh.. godma told me to take my time to recover, but do i have the time? .. i just want to lead a simple normal life! i'm not prophet, can i have a easier cross to bear?
Monday, September 20, 2010
20 Sep 10 - a hug each day
i surprised my colleagues with my a-hug-each-day resolution, totally inspired by my godma.. everyone needs a hug each day, but why is everyone not hugging nowadays? i decided to take the first step - going around giving hugs as my first task of the day! from 21st floor to 4th floor to 31st floor, i simply hugged every friend i've known. they were very surprised too, but hey who says no to a hug? i hug them with my boney frame, they reward me with such a smile on their faces.. i know i made their day special, even though it's monday :)
i cant say i was bold enough to hug everyone, but i told myself to 'heck-it'. afterall it's a hug, and everyone needs a hug, ESP ME! by going ard hugging people, i'm actually 'receiving' a lot of hugs too.. just what i need now to stabilise myself, esp in the mornings.even the rest of the day might continue to be overloaded and shitty, but i'm going to stick to my resolution to hug everyone each day. i've even gotten myself a hugging partner! we made a pact - even when i feel down, she'll come to hug me~ that is so sweet, right? hugging partner :) i like it~ i hope to recruit more daily hugging partners :)
a hug a day, keep panic attacks away. ok this is what i'll do now and i'll cultivate it as habit. afterall, hugging is fun! people needs to be hugged more often in this society. i thank God for my lovely godma and her hug, to spur off this notion of 'giving'. every hug is every love shared, every bond created. i really like hugging my friends!!
richie told me i'm a fortunate woman, and it's also cos i've been a great friend.. frankly, i think i've been quite a 'bad' friend cos i dont remember birthdates, dont really follow-up with friends.. in fact, my buddies can tell you how i ALWAYS forgotten their birthdates, and how heartless i've been to them. on the contrary, my friends have always been the ones standing by me, supporting me through thick n thin. compared to them, i'm really not a great friend to have. but i hope my hugs will make up for the past.. ^^
i cant say i was bold enough to hug everyone, but i told myself to 'heck-it'. afterall it's a hug, and everyone needs a hug, ESP ME! by going ard hugging people, i'm actually 'receiving' a lot of hugs too.. just what i need now to stabilise myself, esp in the mornings.even the rest of the day might continue to be overloaded and shitty, but i'm going to stick to my resolution to hug everyone each day. i've even gotten myself a hugging partner! we made a pact - even when i feel down, she'll come to hug me~ that is so sweet, right? hugging partner :) i like it~ i hope to recruit more daily hugging partners :)
a hug a day, keep panic attacks away. ok this is what i'll do now and i'll cultivate it as habit. afterall, hugging is fun! people needs to be hugged more often in this society. i thank God for my lovely godma and her hug, to spur off this notion of 'giving'. every hug is every love shared, every bond created. i really like hugging my friends!!
richie told me i'm a fortunate woman, and it's also cos i've been a great friend.. frankly, i think i've been quite a 'bad' friend cos i dont remember birthdates, dont really follow-up with friends.. in fact, my buddies can tell you how i ALWAYS forgotten their birthdates, and how heartless i've been to them. on the contrary, my friends have always been the ones standing by me, supporting me through thick n thin. compared to them, i'm really not a great friend to have. but i hope my hugs will make up for the past.. ^^
Sunday, September 19, 2010
19 Sep 10 - physical hug of love, of concern
i managed to drag myself to Mass today, to hear what God has to say to me.. after first reading, my body began to shiver again (fyi, i took the new medication n i didnt shiver this morning).. through the homily, my legs were starting to shiver uncontrollably too... i didnt want to go up for blessings, afterall the communion of Eucharistic was finishing - the last warden was receiving his Sacrament.. then something in me just 'what-the-heck' pushed me forward. the next thing i knew i was walking towards father kenny for blessings, with my arms folded. i bet a lot of people were surprised to see such 'late-comer' coming up to the alter.. anyway father blessed me with the Holy Spirit and the Cross..
this Spirit, this Cross on my forehead seemed to release me.. i'm not joking, not trying to be spiritual.. but i did feel 'there's an outlet' finally.. back to my seat, kneeling on the solid floor, i just cried.. cried bcos i really need help, help which no one can provide except Him; cried bcos i want to forgive myself; cried bcos i simply have no more strength to fight this battle; cried bcos i really dont know how to live another day with the panic attacks.. i just cried. finally, i really cried (which i'm so glad i'm actually crying)- tears rolling down my cheeks.. my face was really wet..
end of Mass, i remained in the main hall.. weeping like a baby girl, hands clasped in prayer for strength and comfort.. everyone had left, except me.. i hear doors being locked, but i dont care.. my tears just kept flowing . like a mourning widow, i cried to Him for help, for answer, for support and refuge.. for anything to get me out of this depression. i must be crying so badly that the keeper didnt dare to ask me to go.. by the time i 'calmed' down *yes i think i look horrible by then*, i hurried out of church hall.. he only left that door opened for me..
what did He tell me? .. what else but the 'usual' - Seek Him first and all these things will be added onto you. seriously, He's not very 'comforting', rather He's directive. but how? i need to get back my faith, before i can seek Him; i need to get back my confidence, before i can 'commit' again.. but at least, in midst of my tears, there's peace.. surrounding and protecting me in that main church hall.
i met with godma in the canteen (RCIA's canteen duty this week). though my tears are dried, smile returned to my mask.. but i cant help pouring all out to her again. i love my godma and godpa. they are like angels - always praying for me from a distance, always keeping informed of my life. to be honest, i'm not very close to godma, but today i just opened myself fully to her, and she really totally understands how i feel! 'though the rship is of short duration but there's no rush, j, take your time to recover', that's what she told me. i wish i could, but i really do not want to take another 2yrs to get over depression.. she understand how i 'hate' myself, but her words and understanding are just so 'right to the heart'.. i just hugged her, trying to fight back my tears. i know her own cross is not easy too, but i'm so glad she didnt compare, just encouraging me to keep on doing what is right, keep on taking steps (even baby steps) to let go.. i thank God for her physical hug of love, of concern (though i dont really trust Him now), but a hug is just what i need now..
in AR, i didnt know what did i pray.. in my exhaustion, i stayed in His Presence as refuge.. then i heard myself saying a prayer for my darling, but i really cant remember what did i pray! it's like Holy Spirit praying for him through my mouth - It just come, i say, i hear but i cannot register into my mind. *dont worry, minwei, it's all good prayers of love for u and ur family, Holy Spirit cannot curse~* then i slipped into peace.. peaceful rest in the Lord.. on my knees, bowing to Him, i slipped into such rest that i know no one, nothing (esp depression) can get close me. i really need this rest to fight this battle.. i walked out of AR 2hrs later... cant say that i've gained back my faith, but at least i truly rested in His Presence. nothing could come close me, nothing at all..
p/s: the new medication takes a while to effect, hey it's not miracle pill! i'm still shivering but less.. and i hope i can stop shivering tmr at work.. last thing i wan is to break down in office.
this Spirit, this Cross on my forehead seemed to release me.. i'm not joking, not trying to be spiritual.. but i did feel 'there's an outlet' finally.. back to my seat, kneeling on the solid floor, i just cried.. cried bcos i really need help, help which no one can provide except Him; cried bcos i want to forgive myself; cried bcos i simply have no more strength to fight this battle; cried bcos i really dont know how to live another day with the panic attacks.. i just cried. finally, i really cried (which i'm so glad i'm actually crying)- tears rolling down my cheeks.. my face was really wet..
end of Mass, i remained in the main hall.. weeping like a baby girl, hands clasped in prayer for strength and comfort.. everyone had left, except me.. i hear doors being locked, but i dont care.. my tears just kept flowing . like a mourning widow, i cried to Him for help, for answer, for support and refuge.. for anything to get me out of this depression. i must be crying so badly that the keeper didnt dare to ask me to go.. by the time i 'calmed' down *yes i think i look horrible by then*, i hurried out of church hall.. he only left that door opened for me..
what did He tell me? .. what else but the 'usual' - Seek Him first and all these things will be added onto you. seriously, He's not very 'comforting', rather He's directive. but how? i need to get back my faith, before i can seek Him; i need to get back my confidence, before i can 'commit' again.. but at least, in midst of my tears, there's peace.. surrounding and protecting me in that main church hall.
i met with godma in the canteen (RCIA's canteen duty this week). though my tears are dried, smile returned to my mask.. but i cant help pouring all out to her again. i love my godma and godpa. they are like angels - always praying for me from a distance, always keeping informed of my life. to be honest, i'm not very close to godma, but today i just opened myself fully to her, and she really totally understands how i feel! 'though the rship is of short duration but there's no rush, j, take your time to recover', that's what she told me. i wish i could, but i really do not want to take another 2yrs to get over depression.. she understand how i 'hate' myself, but her words and understanding are just so 'right to the heart'.. i just hugged her, trying to fight back my tears. i know her own cross is not easy too, but i'm so glad she didnt compare, just encouraging me to keep on doing what is right, keep on taking steps (even baby steps) to let go.. i thank God for her physical hug of love, of concern (though i dont really trust Him now), but a hug is just what i need now..
in AR, i didnt know what did i pray.. in my exhaustion, i stayed in His Presence as refuge.. then i heard myself saying a prayer for my darling, but i really cant remember what did i pray! it's like Holy Spirit praying for him through my mouth - It just come, i say, i hear but i cannot register into my mind. *dont worry, minwei, it's all good prayers of love for u and ur family, Holy Spirit cannot curse~* then i slipped into peace.. peaceful rest in the Lord.. on my knees, bowing to Him, i slipped into such rest that i know no one, nothing (esp depression) can get close me. i really need this rest to fight this battle.. i walked out of AR 2hrs later... cant say that i've gained back my faith, but at least i truly rested in His Presence. nothing could come close me, nothing at all..
p/s: the new medication takes a while to effect, hey it's not miracle pill! i'm still shivering but less.. and i hope i can stop shivering tmr at work.. last thing i wan is to break down in office.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
18 Sep 10 - change medication
i m so screwed.. just called my doc about stepping up the dosage cos even my mum noticed my shaking hands this morning.. i cant help it. they've been shivering since days ago.. i tot i can manage, but today's saturday yet i'm still shivering in fear when i woke up. doc told me to change medication - a stronger medicine. damn, as i hope i can still manage, this beast within is getting stronger.. still trying to barge into my sanity..
Friday, September 17, 2010
17 Sep 10 - 哭砂
full day of anxiety attack, so much so that i shivered helplessly in washroom.. i want to cry but no tear.. i want to scream but no sound.. i was just standing there, so afraid of everything, so nervous about everything.. i really hate panic attack. who says, they last for 10mins? this species i'm with can last for the whole damn day! they are like raging beasts trying to break down my weakening fence of sanity. they really barge with all their might to break free, and i really dont know when this hell will break loose in me. i am so tired, so angry..
i was so angry that i quarrelled with someone close last night. not that i really care for his feelings (he told me i'm indulging in self pity!) when i'm steaming hot with anger, but i'm disappointed how we ended it. anyway, i've a great beast inside of me to worry about. like what he said, this is my own battle. a battle i wish i can recruit some help but i cant.. my own battle.
i was so full of fear today (i still forced myself to wear a calm smiley mask at work so my work quality will not be affected! can you imagine how tiring i am emotionally mentally and physically!!), shivering so badly that i had to hug myself all the while so my shaking hands wont scare anyone off.. i just hugged myself so tightly till i finally came to steam bath..
alone in steam bath, i cried in that little room.. crying out for God to take it away, trying to forgive myself for loving.. i finally cried.. not alot but at least there's tears.. it's as if panic attack was left outside the steam bath door, that i managed to feel 'peace' inside that room. the peace i so longed for, the confidence i yearned for.. i really need that confidence back.. the real confidence, not mask.. i stayed in that steam for 30mins. i know it's too long for my good, but i wonder if that beast is waiting for me outside that door..i really didnt dare to think, just trying to meditate on my breathing (just like the book narrates in her india yoga retreat) i really tried to meditate or just keep my mind blank yet occupied so that beast wont creep in.
so far so good.. i'm back home after my steambath and facial. i hurried home before anything might happen to me.. i know i miss my darling, but it's not the missing that triggers this panic.. it's me. just me.. something inside me triggers it, and seems to enjoy my suffering.. i miss my darling, i love him but i know this battle is not about him. it's with me and me.. i cant afford to lose but this time i have no idea how to win.. then this song came to me.
你是我最苦涩的等待, 让我欢喜又害怕未来,
你最爱说你是一颗尘埃, 偶尔会恶作剧的飘进我眼里.
你最爱说你是一颗尘埃, 偶尔会恶作剧的飘进我眼里.
宁愿我哭泣,不让我爱你，
你就真的象尘埃消失在风里.
难得来看我,却又离开我,
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流,
你是我最痛苦的抉择, 为何你从不放弃漂泊,
爱的你是那么难分难舍, 你总是带回满口袋的砂给我,
难得来看我 却又离开我
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流
风吹来的砂落在悲伤的雨里. 谁都看出我在等你,
风吹来的砂堆积在心里. 是谁也擦不去的痕迹,
风吹来的砂穿过所有的记忆, 谁都知道我在想你,
风吹来的砂明明在哭泣, 难道早就寓言了分离,
Thursday, September 16, 2010
16 Sept 10 - The Relationship Between Depression and Anxiety
Scoring: If your score is 4 or above, you may have experienced a panic attack.
If your score is higher than 4, you have experienced many symptoms of a panic attack. If these symptoms came on abruptly and reached a peak in about 10 minutes, you may have had a panic attack.
Help is available through anxiety medications and various therapies for anxiety and panic. Please print out your panic attack test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist.
my score: 6
The Relationship Between Depression and Anxiety
i told you i'm really having panic attacks, and it's freaking not fun! i'm so angry with myself, so afraid of everyone (even though i'm alone in washroom) and i'm shivering! i had to do some self-counselling to myself in the mirror to face myself! where is the confident j when she started this blog site? where is her confidence on recovery? i kept spurring myself to fight this horrible oppression, this monster! but every morning, i still find myself bending helpless in executive washroom (it's exclusive-so 1 person usage).. not just once, but several times in one morning! i'm going MAD!! how can i survive till 27sep when i dont even know if i can survive tmr!
during office hours,gwen n belvri have been keeping me company thru emails - just to divert my attention to their care and love. but in-between i just have to go n STAY in washroom till these attacks are over. i'm really very tired.. i'm really very angry with myself.. why did i hurt myself in first place,after 2yrs of protecting n recovery! wtf! why am i in this shit pit again! F!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
15 Sep 10 - pray for my darling,.
trust me, i really dont know what's happening to me.. i have great good friends around me - gwen kept me company last night, and angie stayed overtime with me in office just now. besides travelling distance, i've always been in the company of someone, someone who cares for me.. even joanne volunteered to go home together, if not for my overtime.
i know i'm loved - by the 2 libras, by all of you people.. but when panic attack attacked, there's really nothing i can do except hiding myself in washroom. i shivered so much as if i'm in super cold temperature. i tried scolding myself, assuring myself and even loving myself but my heart is just too weak and fearful now. even with careful cupped hands, it wont dare to come up.. the confidence just left me..
i'm still functioning as a daughter, as a executive, as a friend.. i just have to wear diff 'masks' (if i may call them) to different people. and i cannot afford to be alone (for long) - i'll break down badly. the last thing i want to do is to cry in office, causing panic to all who care for me. but i wonder how long i can last.. 27sep is still such long way to go. not to mention, next week my dear angie will be on 1-week's leave to taiwan *yes, i wish i can join her!*, and i'll be working 'alone'..
if anyone of you believe in miracle, please pray for me. base on your faith, let me be strong to overcome all the stress and loneliness. base on your prayers, .. pray for my darling minwei to return to me forever. gwen is such a gem as she said she'll voodoo for me (she doesnt believe in God).. but seriously, pray for my darling, ok? i know you people loves me, but do try to love my darling too... despite all these.. cos i still love him.
i know i'm loved - by the 2 libras, by all of you people.. but when panic attack attacked, there's really nothing i can do except hiding myself in washroom. i shivered so much as if i'm in super cold temperature. i tried scolding myself, assuring myself and even loving myself but my heart is just too weak and fearful now. even with careful cupped hands, it wont dare to come up.. the confidence just left me..
i'm still functioning as a daughter, as a executive, as a friend.. i just have to wear diff 'masks' (if i may call them) to different people. and i cannot afford to be alone (for long) - i'll break down badly. the last thing i want to do is to cry in office, causing panic to all who care for me. but i wonder how long i can last.. 27sep is still such long way to go. not to mention, next week my dear angie will be on 1-week's leave to taiwan *yes, i wish i can join her!*, and i'll be working 'alone'..
if anyone of you believe in miracle, please pray for me. base on your faith, let me be strong to overcome all the stress and loneliness. base on your prayers, .. pray for my darling minwei to return to me forever. gwen is such a gem as she said she'll voodoo for me (she doesnt believe in God).. but seriously, pray for my darling, ok? i know you people loves me, but do try to love my darling too... despite all these.. cos i still love him.
Monday, September 13, 2010
13 Sep 10 - joy of cooking together
3 things i want to bitch tonight.
1) extract fr the book i'm reading -
'Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such sweet time of grieving.You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken,but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship and surrounded by grace.Take this time,every minute of it,let things works themselves' 'But I really loved him' 'Big deal,so you fell in love with someone.Dont you see what's happened?This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching.You got zapped,kiddo.But the love you felt is just the beginning,you just got a taste of love,just limited rinky-dink mortal love.Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that.Heck,you have the capacity to someday love the love world.It's your destiny.Dont laugh.'
this freaking passage speaks to me like the Bible. i really love minwei, i really do. but i dont think i have the capacity to love the world, and hell, i'm not prophet, no big-shot in spiritual realm.. why me? it's freaking NOT my destiny to go thru depression (again?!) and possibly the 3rd time?! HELL YOU! i admit the first depression was a beautiful place of worship and grace, but this time.. hell! dont you dare bring me back here again, if i ever walk it out alive and sane!
2) my dept had our team-bonding session this afternoon. everyone just dropped our work (reluctantly!) and attended this cooking class. i must say, it's like back to my poly days - standing by the kitchen table, listening to menu instructions, surrounded by all the fine cooking utensils. as usual, i'm very comfortable in the professional kitchen, chatting with the chefs about new ingredients and menu. *i know how to make creamy smooth hummus now!* after 'teaching' my team member on vietnam rice rolls (my other team member is 'professional' housemaker chef), i was actually invited to go behind the 'training kitchen', into the professional REAL kitchen! i actually tried to make my first indian naan! one of my fav food! trust me,it's easier than prata flipping, but i just think my hands are a bit too small to 'clap' the dough bigger. and the joy of seeing it baked in tandoor is totally indescribable. i shared my first naan with my colleagues and it was pure sugary joy with warmth. i love their smiles when i feed them the naan. the joy of cooking and sharing food.. something i've lost since my last cooking/baking... i realised i kinda like cooking, esp when i dont need to wash up! (the cooking staff washed our mess as we experimented with our ingredients~) mind you, every food item turned up excellently great tasting! even our director was impressed by our teamwork and edible results! my team won the best team! :) i'm so happy.. the joy of cooking together, sharing and discussing food.. if only i have my own spacious kitchen where my mates can 'mess' it every weekends..
fyi, i'm not a fussy eater. but when if i want to have good food, i know my standards are pretty high. but hey, i'm trained in excellent service, trained in fine-dining.. what do u expect? i didnt waste my 3yrs in hotel management! as long as i'm not fussy in my daily meals, hey, i can eat all kinds of food though i dont eat much ok.
3) during our 'hard-earned' meal, my colleague from another division shared her rship with me. it's totally like what i went through - the sudden 'tap-off' withdrawal after all the planning for next stage in life! i tell you, i really can feel the hurt n pain she went through cos i'm freaking in it now! but i'm glad her bf then is now her hubby after the 'disappear' period. i know she really loves him a lot, and she's even planning to relocate for him (he's working in shenzhen permanently)... something i'm willing to do, prepared to do cos of this love..
i really miss my darling.. i know it's not healthy for me to mix my missing with depression, but ok, for now i think i can cope with depression.. hence, let me miss my darling, i love my darling.. i wonder if he misses me.. wonder if he still feels the same for me.. ok ok, i better stop here before the hurt comes and triggers off panic attack.
anyway, this is my day today. that stupid but realistic book i'm reading is supposed to help me (as per eirene), but it's kinda inspiring me to take a month leave to seek restoration (as the writer herself). she went italy and india but.. where can i go? taiwan again?? hmm.. i dont mind that actually.. i'm half-taiwanese as you people have known me, even to those who just known me. ok, i've taiwanese blood in me. shoot me if you're not happy.
1) extract fr the book i'm reading -
'Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such sweet time of grieving.You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken,but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship and surrounded by grace.Take this time,every minute of it,let things works themselves' 'But I really loved him' 'Big deal,so you fell in love with someone.Dont you see what's happened?This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching.You got zapped,kiddo.But the love you felt is just the beginning,you just got a taste of love,just limited rinky-dink mortal love.Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that.Heck,you have the capacity to someday love the love world.It's your destiny.Dont laugh.'
this freaking passage speaks to me like the Bible. i really love minwei, i really do. but i dont think i have the capacity to love the world, and hell, i'm not prophet, no big-shot in spiritual realm.. why me? it's freaking NOT my destiny to go thru depression (again?!) and possibly the 3rd time?! HELL YOU! i admit the first depression was a beautiful place of worship and grace, but this time.. hell! dont you dare bring me back here again, if i ever walk it out alive and sane!
2) my dept had our team-bonding session this afternoon. everyone just dropped our work (reluctantly!) and attended this cooking class. i must say, it's like back to my poly days - standing by the kitchen table, listening to menu instructions, surrounded by all the fine cooking utensils. as usual, i'm very comfortable in the professional kitchen, chatting with the chefs about new ingredients and menu. *i know how to make creamy smooth hummus now!* after 'teaching' my team member on vietnam rice rolls (my other team member is 'professional' housemaker chef), i was actually invited to go behind the 'training kitchen', into the professional REAL kitchen! i actually tried to make my first indian naan! one of my fav food! trust me,it's easier than prata flipping, but i just think my hands are a bit too small to 'clap' the dough bigger. and the joy of seeing it baked in tandoor is totally indescribable. i shared my first naan with my colleagues and it was pure sugary joy with warmth. i love their smiles when i feed them the naan. the joy of cooking and sharing food.. something i've lost since my last cooking/baking... i realised i kinda like cooking, esp when i dont need to wash up! (the cooking staff washed our mess as we experimented with our ingredients~) mind you, every food item turned up excellently great tasting! even our director was impressed by our teamwork and edible results! my team won the best team! :) i'm so happy.. the joy of cooking together, sharing and discussing food.. if only i have my own spacious kitchen where my mates can 'mess' it every weekends..
fyi, i'm not a fussy eater. but when if i want to have good food, i know my standards are pretty high. but hey, i'm trained in excellent service, trained in fine-dining.. what do u expect? i didnt waste my 3yrs in hotel management! as long as i'm not fussy in my daily meals, hey, i can eat all kinds of food though i dont eat much ok.
3) during our 'hard-earned' meal, my colleague from another division shared her rship with me. it's totally like what i went through - the sudden 'tap-off' withdrawal after all the planning for next stage in life! i tell you, i really can feel the hurt n pain she went through cos i'm freaking in it now! but i'm glad her bf then is now her hubby after the 'disappear' period. i know she really loves him a lot, and she's even planning to relocate for him (he's working in shenzhen permanently)... something i'm willing to do, prepared to do cos of this love..
i really miss my darling.. i know it's not healthy for me to mix my missing with depression, but ok, for now i think i can cope with depression.. hence, let me miss my darling, i love my darling.. i wonder if he misses me.. wonder if he still feels the same for me.. ok ok, i better stop here before the hurt comes and triggers off panic attack.
anyway, this is my day today. that stupid but realistic book i'm reading is supposed to help me (as per eirene), but it's kinda inspiring me to take a month leave to seek restoration (as the writer herself). she went italy and india but.. where can i go? taiwan again?? hmm.. i dont mind that actually.. i'm half-taiwanese as you people have known me, even to those who just known me. ok, i've taiwanese blood in me. shoot me if you're not happy.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
12 Sep 10 - i just want to lead a simple normal life!
another 'fruitful' day... and i find myself getting more expressively in my language with each effective day spent. i hold onto my principle of 'my word is my bond' hence i've been very careful of every idle word spoke forth from my mouth. though i'm totally faithless (and angry) with God, He is still the Ultimate Judge in the Highest. then again, i find myself more expressive.. the more expressive i am, the more 'liberated' i feel.. ok, perhaps liberated is not the word to use but i really feel so much better after each expression. so, if u hear such expression from me these days, please pardon me - i just have to let it out from my bones.
i watched resident evil-after life in 3D today. cant say i enjoyed it, cos it's not much of a plot but a sequent. more of a 'matrix' effect, than bio-hazard. yes i am freaking scared of bio-hazard shows, more than those real-life ghost ones. well, i was in faith when i claimed this but it seems to be 'out-of-place' now.. anyway, my logic is if ghosts are as real *they are!* then my God is also real and mightier. but when it comes to human's deed of bio-hazard, it just freaks me out on who-know-which-mad-careless-scientist-is-doing-out-there. vampire? i'm fine.. brain-dead mutating zombies?? u can kill me on that! anyway, thankfully there's not much horror this time.
had a good meal with eirene n elsie again.. i really appreciate their company and stories. looking at them, i'm inspired to get well soon.. to enjoy my singlehood of 'waiting' for my long distance rship bf. i wonder if he feels the same or has he given up? but in both ways, i promised to give him space and i'll face it with him when he's ready to face me. my word is my bond.. still my bond. darling, remember this - i still love you.
eirene said i'm getting better, no need for psychiatrist but.. i'd still go for professional help. this depression is a time-bomb within me. i really want to get it out, even though i might forever be in medication. just get this freaking shivers, panic attacks and morning tortures out of my life!! i just want to lead a simple normal life!
i watched resident evil-after life in 3D today. cant say i enjoyed it, cos it's not much of a plot but a sequent. more of a 'matrix' effect, than bio-hazard. yes i am freaking scared of bio-hazard shows, more than those real-life ghost ones. well, i was in faith when i claimed this but it seems to be 'out-of-place' now.. anyway, my logic is if ghosts are as real *they are!* then my God is also real and mightier. but when it comes to human's deed of bio-hazard, it just freaks me out on who-know-which-mad-careless-scientist-is-doing-out-there. vampire? i'm fine.. brain-dead mutating zombies?? u can kill me on that! anyway, thankfully there's not much horror this time.
had a good meal with eirene n elsie again.. i really appreciate their company and stories. looking at them, i'm inspired to get well soon.. to enjoy my singlehood of 'waiting' for my long distance rship bf. i wonder if he feels the same or has he given up? but in both ways, i promised to give him space and i'll face it with him when he's ready to face me. my word is my bond.. still my bond. darling, remember this - i still love you.
eirene said i'm getting better, no need for psychiatrist but.. i'd still go for professional help. this depression is a time-bomb within me. i really want to get it out, even though i might forever be in medication. just get this freaking shivers, panic attacks and morning tortures out of my life!! i just want to lead a simple normal life!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
11 Sep 10 - i like today
as the world sets 911 as 'the day that changed america', i still remember how happy my family was that night, celebrating my sis' birthday.. well, we were celebrating in front of the news then. anyway, my point is.. today 110910 seems to be the 'happiest' day since all these loveSHIT happened.
1) i remembered how breathless and panting i was when i first took on bt timah nature reserve hill slope. it is VERY STEEP! it's not the height, but the STEEPNESS! but this morning, walking up the slope again, i even managed to conquer the wearisome stairways *trust me, it's stepmaster900!!* and i'm hardly panting!! i'm so proud of myself - i have not been running/exercising lately yet i can still maintain my stamina, at least i'm not panting for breathe! we even walked through all the trails, just to challenge ourselves. and I DIDNT FAINT! i'm so happy with myself when we finally rested in sentosa's beach cafe (we drove there, of course!) *oh, did i mention i LOVE my new sunglasses? the lenses are just so protective! i'm so comfortable with it, though people think i'm anti-social to wear indoors* heck it~ i just love wearing my protective sunglasses, hit me if u dare!
2) my family had a high-tea celebration for my sis' birthday. well, the food spread was nice but i'm not exactly in the mood for high-tea. i still miss my darling.. i'm just trying to be enjoying, afterall i'm wearing my new clothes, and i like the way i look in it. i'm enjoying my clothes, more than the food. anyway, for the buffet price i really ate very little. but i'm glad my family is with me, esp my dad. he's very particular about food, it's hard to invite him out but i know he came this time, just to see i'm ok now. *trust me, at this rate that i am really trying to be ok and my acting skills can really surpass the professionals~*
3) immediately after hightea, my relatives called for a seafood dinner gathering. for those of you who dont know, i'm from a big extended family, with me being the eldest cousin. among my younger cousins, esp my dearest monkey, i just let loose of my dignity/ pride as the eldest. i just want to be another monkey with my monkey, with my cousins. each of us has such different stories, difficult childhood but as we grow older, all those 'knots' seems to untangle themselves and tied us closely ever since. i just love my cousins, my relatives who are always around me. though the eldest, i just want to be the youngest among them. i hate to grow up. since young, this is always been my wish - i dont want to grow up cos i know i'll face a lot of problems and heartaches.. and i think I HAVE ENOUGH! i just want to be young and silly, even if it means to make a fool of myself. i think they'll upload those ridiculous photos in FB, but.. i'm not logging in there.
that's how i survived the past 12hrs.. fruitful with a lot of help and support from eirene, elsie, family and relatives. but i cant deny the fact i still miss my darling.. hoping he might just be here with me, with my family, with my relatives.. next weekend is my relatives' annual mid-autumn gathering. i had always looked forward to this, cos all members of my family will gather around under my bright sister, chatting, eating and even singing along to some silly songs. but this yr, i dont know if i could enjoy as much.. i miss my darling, my part of my 'family'.
你知道吗 爱你并不容易
这需要很多勇气
是天意吧 好多话说不出去
就是怕你负担不起
你相信吗
这一生遇见你 是上辈子我欠你
是天意吧
让我爱上你 才又让你离我而去
也许轮回里 早已注定
今生就该我还给你
一颗心在风雨里 飘来飘去
都是为你
一路上有你 苦一点也愿意
就算是为了分离与我相遇
一路上有你 痛一点也愿意
就算这辈子注定要和你分离
1) i remembered how breathless and panting i was when i first took on bt timah nature reserve hill slope. it is VERY STEEP! it's not the height, but the STEEPNESS! but this morning, walking up the slope again, i even managed to conquer the wearisome stairways *trust me, it's stepmaster900!!* and i'm hardly panting!! i'm so proud of myself - i have not been running/exercising lately yet i can still maintain my stamina, at least i'm not panting for breathe! we even walked through all the trails, just to challenge ourselves. and I DIDNT FAINT! i'm so happy with myself when we finally rested in sentosa's beach cafe (we drove there, of course!) *oh, did i mention i LOVE my new sunglasses? the lenses are just so protective! i'm so comfortable with it, though people think i'm anti-social to wear indoors* heck it~ i just love wearing my protective sunglasses, hit me if u dare!
2) my family had a high-tea celebration for my sis' birthday. well, the food spread was nice but i'm not exactly in the mood for high-tea. i still miss my darling.. i'm just trying to be enjoying, afterall i'm wearing my new clothes, and i like the way i look in it. i'm enjoying my clothes, more than the food. anyway, for the buffet price i really ate very little. but i'm glad my family is with me, esp my dad. he's very particular about food, it's hard to invite him out but i know he came this time, just to see i'm ok now. *trust me, at this rate that i am really trying to be ok and my acting skills can really surpass the professionals~*
3) immediately after hightea, my relatives called for a seafood dinner gathering. for those of you who dont know, i'm from a big extended family, with me being the eldest cousin. among my younger cousins, esp my dearest monkey, i just let loose of my dignity/ pride as the eldest. i just want to be another monkey with my monkey, with my cousins. each of us has such different stories, difficult childhood but as we grow older, all those 'knots' seems to untangle themselves and tied us closely ever since. i just love my cousins, my relatives who are always around me. though the eldest, i just want to be the youngest among them. i hate to grow up. since young, this is always been my wish - i dont want to grow up cos i know i'll face a lot of problems and heartaches.. and i think I HAVE ENOUGH! i just want to be young and silly, even if it means to make a fool of myself. i think they'll upload those ridiculous photos in FB, but.. i'm not logging in there.
that's how i survived the past 12hrs.. fruitful with a lot of help and support from eirene, elsie, family and relatives. but i cant deny the fact i still miss my darling.. hoping he might just be here with me, with my family, with my relatives.. next weekend is my relatives' annual mid-autumn gathering. i had always looked forward to this, cos all members of my family will gather around under my bright sister, chatting, eating and even singing along to some silly songs. but this yr, i dont know if i could enjoy as much.. i miss my darling, my part of my 'family'.
你知道吗 爱你并不容易
这需要很多勇气
是天意吧 好多话说不出去
就是怕你负担不起
你相信吗
这一生遇见你 是上辈子我欠你
是天意吧
让我爱上你 才又让你离我而去
也许轮回里 早已注定
今生就该我还给你
一颗心在风雨里 飘来飘去
都是为你
一路上有你 苦一点也愿意
就算是为了分离与我相遇
一路上有你 痛一点也愿意
就算这辈子注定要和你分离
Friday, September 10, 2010
10 Sep 10 - are You watching over me?
i woke up in fright this morning cos sydney came into my room to bark! and after that, the normal routine of hurt,pain and missing came in.. i just lay in bed under their morning torture.. then as if God has mercy on me - it rained heavily suddenly! i told u i love storms, i love rain.. but this rain just came so unexpectedly and so comforting! listen to the splatter of rain and thundering roar, i just feel so 'cosy' on my bed despite the torture.. are You trying to hint that You are watching over me? to comfort me? well.. if You are, then get rid of my depression! it's not really right to depend on pills but yet it's my only survival mean now.
i tried to be positive - thinking of what to do today. my best option so far is to return to office. i know richie has volunteered to accompany me, ian has asked me out.. but i really feel so lazy to go out, to meet people. office seems to be a better option for a workaholic, i can clear my emails, stay on top of the matters, do my filing and get things organised. i know it's nuts, but hey.. i'm workaholic, ok? anyone of you want to volunteer yourself to help in my filing? i've lotsa personnel files to create n to file away. i've closed my sept payroll and starting on October payroll now. no, payroll is not something i like to do, but it does demand full concentration which i gladly tried to give now.
seriously.. it's so nice to sleep now, though i've just woke up. ok, let me take the sleep pill n doze till it's time to go office. eirene just sms to remind me of the hiking trip tmr.. trust me, if it doesnt rain like today, my legs will be aching so badly after that hike. but it's one way to spend my time... thank you, eirene.
i tried to be positive - thinking of what to do today. my best option so far is to return to office. i know richie has volunteered to accompany me, ian has asked me out.. but i really feel so lazy to go out, to meet people. office seems to be a better option for a workaholic, i can clear my emails, stay on top of the matters, do my filing and get things organised. i know it's nuts, but hey.. i'm workaholic, ok? anyone of you want to volunteer yourself to help in my filing? i've lotsa personnel files to create n to file away. i've closed my sept payroll and starting on October payroll now. no, payroll is not something i like to do, but it does demand full concentration which i gladly tried to give now.
seriously.. it's so nice to sleep now, though i've just woke up. ok, let me take the sleep pill n doze till it's time to go office. eirene just sms to remind me of the hiking trip tmr.. trust me, if it doesnt rain like today, my legs will be aching so badly after that hike. but it's one way to spend my time... thank you, eirene.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
09 Sep 10 - without God
positive, right? well.. i had a very concerned call from a very concerned friend jenny today.. she just got to know this 'big' news. being concerned and apologetic, she really tried her best to assure me everything will be ok.. i know it'll be ok - I HAVE TO make this shit right. this is something i wish i can throw onto u people to help, but it's impossible i know. i jolly well have to go thru it myself, and this time WITHOUT God.yes, it might be 'harder' but i really cant trust Him to bring me out and to another again?!
guoqing just called me, and we had a long chat (again).. what can i say? he's really one-of-a-kind stubbornly concerned for me. i know his life is so much better now - his 'dream' job with good high pay and stable working hrs. but i really appreciate his love, his concern as a brother. i know he cares, he really cares.. after all these yrs. but... i really cant afford to 'lose' him as a brother. hey, it's not that i'm selfish, but 16yrs of close friendship.. it's too high of a stake for me. it's better to remain as it is now..
and i managed to shake off a panic attack, before it attacked.. come'on, it's an achievement ok? if i can continue this achievement, esp in the mornings.. i'll have better report to tell my psychiatrist on 27Sep. at least i m doing what i can to help myself from this depression attacks, cant u just give me a pat on my back? a PAT, not beat! well, i still have this long weekends to survive... why must there be long holidays when i'm having depression?!
guoqing just called me, and we had a long chat (again).. what can i say? he's really one-of-a-kind stubbornly concerned for me. i know his life is so much better now - his 'dream' job with good high pay and stable working hrs. but i really appreciate his love, his concern as a brother. i know he cares, he really cares.. after all these yrs. but... i really cant afford to 'lose' him as a brother. hey, it's not that i'm selfish, but 16yrs of close friendship.. it's too high of a stake for me. it's better to remain as it is now..
and i managed to shake off a panic attack, before it attacked.. come'on, it's an achievement ok? if i can continue this achievement, esp in the mornings.. i'll have better report to tell my psychiatrist on 27Sep. at least i m doing what i can to help myself from this depression attacks, cant u just give me a pat on my back? a PAT, not beat! well, i still have this long weekends to survive... why must there be long holidays when i'm having depression?!
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
08 Sep 10 - i hit my boss..it's a reaction.
ok, i try to be positive again today..
i thank God that i'm having less shivers and panic attacks today.. or rather, i just took a longer time in washroom before i face the world. now i understand why female toilets are always so crowded.. washroom can really be so comforting..
my director giggled so loudly when i told him it's over between the taiwanese bf and me.. my instant reaction? - hit him on his back with my papers on hand.. of course, i told him off for being so mean, but he explained his giggles bcos he pitied the guy.. my darling.. pity him? of course, he does not know my condition, but he was sure apologetic when i told him it's a painful process. still, i cant helped being amused by him. he's such a fun boss. he suddenly asked me abt my long distance rship, and trust me, he really cares! but i guess he's kinda surprised by my reaction too, imagine hitting him with my documents on hand~ that's how spontaneous i was. anyway, i'm just amused by his explaination..
i know a lot of you people care for me, esp the 2 libras. but guoqing is right- this is a bridge i must cross on my own. how? i freaking hell dont know, that's why i'm seeing a psychiatrist. i really hope i can get rid of this depression once n for all, for myself for him.. trust me, i'm concentrating all my energy to fight this horrible depression and panic attacks that i've not been missing badly for my darling.. except mornings. this freaking depression is really draining all my energy.. all i want to do now is to get rid of it! i dont want a 3rd round!!! i'd rather to be on long-term medication or hit by car and in coma than to go thru this again! i feel so tired even when i'm at my 'beloved' work.. i have to be on guard against panic attacks all the time..
anyway, i said i'll be positive.. so, can someone help me thru this long wkends? eirene told me to return to church.. but.. ok, going AR is fine, but returning to Mass/service.. why in the first place God planned all these? just as i've recovered after 2yrs, He purposely planned all these for me to go thru again! how can i trust Him... i know i should, but seriously, how can i trust Him again.. how can i trust anyone again?! if He loves me, why lead me to this monster again? what am i supposed to learn this time? DO NOT TRUST ANYONE AT ALL? well, God, u get this pt across loud and clear now, i get it, ok!!
i thank God that i'm having less shivers and panic attacks today.. or rather, i just took a longer time in washroom before i face the world. now i understand why female toilets are always so crowded.. washroom can really be so comforting..
my director giggled so loudly when i told him it's over between the taiwanese bf and me.. my instant reaction? - hit him on his back with my papers on hand.. of course, i told him off for being so mean, but he explained his giggles bcos he pitied the guy.. my darling.. pity him? of course, he does not know my condition, but he was sure apologetic when i told him it's a painful process. still, i cant helped being amused by him. he's such a fun boss. he suddenly asked me abt my long distance rship, and trust me, he really cares! but i guess he's kinda surprised by my reaction too, imagine hitting him with my documents on hand~ that's how spontaneous i was. anyway, i'm just amused by his explaination..
i know a lot of you people care for me, esp the 2 libras. but guoqing is right- this is a bridge i must cross on my own. how? i freaking hell dont know, that's why i'm seeing a psychiatrist. i really hope i can get rid of this depression once n for all, for myself for him.. trust me, i'm concentrating all my energy to fight this horrible depression and panic attacks that i've not been missing badly for my darling.. except mornings. this freaking depression is really draining all my energy.. all i want to do now is to get rid of it! i dont want a 3rd round!!! i'd rather to be on long-term medication or hit by car and in coma than to go thru this again! i feel so tired even when i'm at my 'beloved' work.. i have to be on guard against panic attacks all the time..
anyway, i said i'll be positive.. so, can someone help me thru this long wkends? eirene told me to return to church.. but.. ok, going AR is fine, but returning to Mass/service.. why in the first place God planned all these? just as i've recovered after 2yrs, He purposely planned all these for me to go thru again! how can i trust Him... i know i should, but seriously, how can i trust Him again.. how can i trust anyone again?! if He loves me, why lead me to this monster again? what am i supposed to learn this time? DO NOT TRUST ANYONE AT ALL? well, God, u get this pt across loud and clear now, i get it, ok!!
07 Sep 10 - holding onto ankles of happiness.. well i tried
i'm reading this book 'eat,pray,love' *highly recommended by eirene* and so far the sentence that impacted me - 'when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt,this is not selfishness but obligation. you were given life;it's your duty and also your entitlement as human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight'
ok, i'm grateful for the girls' talk just now.. i (still) do have great girl friends and best guy friends who care,love me. now that i'm in better state to take on their direct honesty *i really appreciate their sensitivity to know when to be honest!*, i'm ready to take on all the knife-cutting words and analysis! but still, i'm hell NOT accepting that '3rd relapse' thingy!! kill me if it ever happens!! just KILL ME! i'll write my last will to be killed so you wont be blamed for it, lest i'd freaking hell jump down the block! i freaking cannot take anymore of this loveSHIT!
i came up with an equation today - rship=hurt=depression. and cos no one knows how horrible is depression but me, stop telling me it's just a phrase of life. seriously, if you think depression is being depressed, then you are freaking NOT reading my blog correctly! it's a MONSTER, creeping you on anytime anyday! sending you panic attacks just to remind you that he's around! and i have to go thru this twice! what the hell! this is really one hell of a darkness where you can never see any glimpse of light, yet you know you have to move forward, not knowing the possibility of deeper hell awaits you!
my colleague jane shared (reminded) me the law of positive attraction *read the book The Secret* as much as i know i should be positive to attract positive, but the hell is not letting me breathe at all! I HATE DEPRESSION! i seldom hate anything, but I REALLY HATE DEPRESSION! i'd rather be killed by car than to be in depression! no one knows the battle but me, yet i have to face the reality, the people even when i'm emotionally, mentally and physically tired from this battle. what the freak!
ok, anyway, i should hold onto the ankles of happiness to drag me out of this SHIT, no matter how slight, right? so i decided to (try to) focus on the positive each day and stop ranting abt this freaking depression! *does it relieve you people from reading all my pressure and stress?* ok, i really thankful for jennifer and cheryl who really lent their ears to my freaking old story of loveSHIT and depression. i really just need to curse it out (even in face of God) for the freaking hell shit i'm in! i thankful for their analysis on how all-giving i had been in rship, but hell, and yes, i just didnt learnt! i doubt i can learn not to be giving, loving in rship! i just dont know how to 'withdraw' or 'give slowly'! look, it's either i'm in or i'm out. and hell, yes, i'm out - painfully out!
ok ok, focus positive - let's see.. i look forward to 27Sep cos that's the earliest slot with my psychiatrist. i wonder how would it be? long sofa where i just sit and talk?? or can i just pass him my blog address so he can read for himself? anyway, i've always been very truthful in my all blogs - cant hide anything. by the way, if it gives you any pressure or stress from reading my blog, then HELL YOU ARE NOT READY TO READ MY BLOG! my blog is to rant, to release all my thoughts and negativity. of course, it IS stressful to read, otherwise why would i bother to blog it out? just jolly well, take it on face value - let me blog it out, and i'll be ok after blogging. i just need to rant it out, WITHOUT you getting overly-concerned on what i write! i'm just not those 'hey i blog happy things to make the world better' person!! go read other 'feel-good' blog if you feel stress/pressured reading my blog.
ok, i'm grateful for the girls' talk just now.. i (still) do have great girl friends and best guy friends who care,love me. now that i'm in better state to take on their direct honesty *i really appreciate their sensitivity to know when to be honest!*, i'm ready to take on all the knife-cutting words and analysis! but still, i'm hell NOT accepting that '3rd relapse' thingy!! kill me if it ever happens!! just KILL ME! i'll write my last will to be killed so you wont be blamed for it, lest i'd freaking hell jump down the block! i freaking cannot take anymore of this loveSHIT!
i came up with an equation today - rship=hurt=depression. and cos no one knows how horrible is depression but me, stop telling me it's just a phrase of life. seriously, if you think depression is being depressed, then you are freaking NOT reading my blog correctly! it's a MONSTER, creeping you on anytime anyday! sending you panic attacks just to remind you that he's around! and i have to go thru this twice! what the hell! this is really one hell of a darkness where you can never see any glimpse of light, yet you know you have to move forward, not knowing the possibility of deeper hell awaits you!
my colleague jane shared (reminded) me the law of positive attraction *read the book The Secret* as much as i know i should be positive to attract positive, but the hell is not letting me breathe at all! I HATE DEPRESSION! i seldom hate anything, but I REALLY HATE DEPRESSION! i'd rather be killed by car than to be in depression! no one knows the battle but me, yet i have to face the reality, the people even when i'm emotionally, mentally and physically tired from this battle. what the freak!
ok, anyway, i should hold onto the ankles of happiness to drag me out of this SHIT, no matter how slight, right? so i decided to (try to) focus on the positive each day and stop ranting abt this freaking depression! *does it relieve you people from reading all my pressure and stress?* ok, i really thankful for jennifer and cheryl who really lent their ears to my freaking old story of loveSHIT and depression. i really just need to curse it out (even in face of God) for the freaking hell shit i'm in! i thankful for their analysis on how all-giving i had been in rship, but hell, and yes, i just didnt learnt! i doubt i can learn not to be giving, loving in rship! i just dont know how to 'withdraw' or 'give slowly'! look, it's either i'm in or i'm out. and hell, yes, i'm out - painfully out!
ok ok, focus positive - let's see.. i look forward to 27Sep cos that's the earliest slot with my psychiatrist. i wonder how would it be? long sofa where i just sit and talk?? or can i just pass him my blog address so he can read for himself? anyway, i've always been very truthful in my all blogs - cant hide anything. by the way, if it gives you any pressure or stress from reading my blog, then HELL YOU ARE NOT READY TO READ MY BLOG! my blog is to rant, to release all my thoughts and negativity. of course, it IS stressful to read, otherwise why would i bother to blog it out? just jolly well, take it on face value - let me blog it out, and i'll be ok after blogging. i just need to rant it out, WITHOUT you getting overly-concerned on what i write! i'm just not those 'hey i blog happy things to make the world better' person!! go read other 'feel-good' blog if you feel stress/pressured reading my blog.
Monday, September 06, 2010
06 Sep 10 - fb hurts
i said i wanted to block my fb, i wanted to avoid my fb cos.. i'll check on my darling's fb whenever i log in... but i cant help logging into fb, checking his fb.. nice little squirrel, reminds me of one of my taiwan stay where i stayed near the mountains, where squirrels were little sweeties around the trees. and.. the picture of the chapel, the last supper.. i just feel so hopeless.. where is God when i really need Him? i really miss my darling.. i really ve to block myself fr fb.. it hurts to be in fb..
ytd, eirene and elsie brought me out - to check on me and also to accompany me. i really appreciate them.. coming all the way from eastern side of singapore to bring me around. looking at them, i really envy them. they are so 'strong' and independent in rship. though theirs are also long distance, but they seem to enjoy their singlehood more than their rship. something which i thought i was enjoying till his withdrawal.. where is the confident j now? i used to enjoy my single-yet-unavailable days like them.. life of a long distance rship.. where the hell is that j now?! but i am glad to have them.. though they still are in ldr, but they are very sensitive n considerate to me.. eirene even came up with a weekly routine and activities idea which i'm so grateful - i just need a routine, somthing to do at every fixed time, somthing to look forward to.. but then again, we chided at one another on how long our weekly 'commitment' would last, knowing we're quite 'pampered' yet not rich ladies. we tried to incorporate some sports but i really dont know how long it'll last.. it's been such a long while since we exercise.. still, i'm very grateful with their planning..
today, i'm better i supposed? though i could sense some fear arousing, but i managed to divert or suppress it.. less toilet-breaks for me today. shivers - yes a bit esp during lunch time (i went lunch alone today) but i counselled myself with blessings that there're someone, you people who still care n love me. managed to calm myself down before i decided it's better to return to work than watching the supposedly calming fountain.. work - my best routine, and i dread long weeknds!
ytd, eirene and elsie brought me out - to check on me and also to accompany me. i really appreciate them.. coming all the way from eastern side of singapore to bring me around. looking at them, i really envy them. they are so 'strong' and independent in rship. though theirs are also long distance, but they seem to enjoy their singlehood more than their rship. something which i thought i was enjoying till his withdrawal.. where is the confident j now? i used to enjoy my single-yet-unavailable days like them.. life of a long distance rship.. where the hell is that j now?! but i am glad to have them.. though they still are in ldr, but they are very sensitive n considerate to me.. eirene even came up with a weekly routine and activities idea which i'm so grateful - i just need a routine, somthing to do at every fixed time, somthing to look forward to.. but then again, we chided at one another on how long our weekly 'commitment' would last, knowing we're quite 'pampered' yet not rich ladies. we tried to incorporate some sports but i really dont know how long it'll last.. it's been such a long while since we exercise.. still, i'm very grateful with their planning..
today, i'm better i supposed? though i could sense some fear arousing, but i managed to divert or suppress it.. less toilet-breaks for me today. shivers - yes a bit esp during lunch time (i went lunch alone today) but i counselled myself with blessings that there're someone, you people who still care n love me. managed to calm myself down before i decided it's better to return to work than watching the supposedly calming fountain.. work - my best routine, and i dread long weeknds!
Sunday, September 05, 2010
05 Sep 10 - interrogation with God
well, i dragged myself to CTK today. though i missed the Mass, but i was interrogating God in AR for hours. so much so i really doubt His plan for me - i really dont want to go thru this depression again! no one knows the pain, the hurt and the uncontrollable panic that suddenly grips you so tight, u just cant relax against it. only myself, my tears knows the struggle, the pain and the sickening panic attacks. depression is really not 'a mind thingy' but it's really a illness.. a disease which only its victim will know how horrible and powerful is it. each attack seems to be stronger than previous.. my defence is really getting weaker..
anyway, i really challenged God, interrogate Him for why do i have to go thru this again. for once in my yrs of Christian life, i really doubt if God loves me, so scared of Him, of His Plan for me.. it's He who created me, yet doesnt He know this is testing, stretching my capability to manage? and why me? i m really not as strong as He thinks i am.. if i have to go thru depression again, i might as well just die.
anyway, i really challenged God, interrogate Him for why do i have to go thru this again. for once in my yrs of Christian life, i really doubt if God loves me, so scared of Him, of His Plan for me.. it's He who created me, yet doesnt He know this is testing, stretching my capability to manage? and why me? i m really not as strong as He thinks i am.. if i have to go thru depression again, i might as well just die.
Saturday, September 04, 2010
04 Sep 10 - psychiatrist i need you FAST!
i really thankful for joanne - she's the best friend any depressed person can ever ask for. she dated me out today, cos she wanted to exchange her purchased blouse. *if i'm workaholic, she's a real shopaholic!* we practically spent the whole day shopping today. well, she still spent more than me - i only bought a cap (i really think i look good with cap) and bought a token of contribution to the handicapped. total damage is less than $40! i cant say the same for my dear joanne..she really spent ALOT!
but she's really a good sport. we kinda shared more things in common now, esp childhood experiences. actually, it's a miracle how i got close to her. my first impression of her was a 'not so friendly' colleague, sitting across me. yet, when my life was at its pit, she's the one who reached out for me - to drag me up. i was damn surprised too. i hardly spoke to her, yet her support was always ard for me. since then, i know she is a true friend indeed. perhaps like me, who gives pple a false impression of 'high-living', she just sent out the wrong impression of 'unfriendly'.. but trust me, she is really the most caring, sensitive and friendly person you could ever ask for in a friend. she might not be on your back day after day, but she always avail herself to friends, no matter what situation it is. i m just so grateful for her.
the day was fine n confident, till i came back home. i started to think abt minwei, miss minwei, went to his fb.. gosh, it hurts to see him so stressed at work yet i cant be there for him, not even a word of comfort! he wanted his space, remember? i m supposed to respect that, and damn it hurts! i tried to cry, before panic attacks hit me. i tried to let out the hurt before it attacks me. even hugging hugo cant ease the hurt, cant calm me down.. so, i took my pill. yes, i know i shouldnt depend on that, but hey i will die without it now, ok? which is worse? and btw, i showed extracts of my blog to ian. it's just me - i cant hide my feelings from anyone. it's hurtful enough now. i dont wan to hurt another person.
i really look forward to a confirmed slot with psychiatrist, as soon as possible, before i could die from depression and panic attacks. God, if You have mercy, please confirm a time slot for me as soon as possible. i really cant cope with all these panic attacks nowadays..
but she's really a good sport. we kinda shared more things in common now, esp childhood experiences. actually, it's a miracle how i got close to her. my first impression of her was a 'not so friendly' colleague, sitting across me. yet, when my life was at its pit, she's the one who reached out for me - to drag me up. i was damn surprised too. i hardly spoke to her, yet her support was always ard for me. since then, i know she is a true friend indeed. perhaps like me, who gives pple a false impression of 'high-living', she just sent out the wrong impression of 'unfriendly'.. but trust me, she is really the most caring, sensitive and friendly person you could ever ask for in a friend. she might not be on your back day after day, but she always avail herself to friends, no matter what situation it is. i m just so grateful for her.
the day was fine n confident, till i came back home. i started to think abt minwei, miss minwei, went to his fb.. gosh, it hurts to see him so stressed at work yet i cant be there for him, not even a word of comfort! he wanted his space, remember? i m supposed to respect that, and damn it hurts! i tried to cry, before panic attacks hit me. i tried to let out the hurt before it attacks me. even hugging hugo cant ease the hurt, cant calm me down.. so, i took my pill. yes, i know i shouldnt depend on that, but hey i will die without it now, ok? which is worse? and btw, i showed extracts of my blog to ian. it's just me - i cant hide my feelings from anyone. it's hurtful enough now. i dont wan to hurt another person.
i really look forward to a confirmed slot with psychiatrist, as soon as possible, before i could die from depression and panic attacks. God, if You have mercy, please confirm a time slot for me as soon as possible. i really cant cope with all these panic attacks nowadays..
Friday, September 03, 2010
03 Sep 10 - panic attack n help
back to reality for 2days, in fact 3days now.. cant say i'm better but i'm still surviving..
ytd had a panic attack (you get it often when u r in depression).. i was shivering with fear for the whole day, hid in the toilet for the record time i've ever visited washroom during office hrs. but somehow i managed to work, managed to function well to my internal clients and my colleagues.
today when i told angie about my panic attack ytd, she was shocked cos i really camouflaged well, so well that not to cause them any worry. i am really thankful for my team. my director told me before though i've only been few months with them, but i seem to be a regular 'old-bird' with the team. i take that as compliment, i think it's God's planning again... perhaps knowing well that i'm get depression attack (soon), He gave me this job just like He gave me the job in SAP. very supportive team, with great manager and director. you really cant blame me for being workaholic cos every job i had God just laid them onto my laps after first interview (with prayers,of course), including the do-nothing job in raffles place office.. and i really enjoy working. i seldom have to look around for second job option - usually first interview offer *proud of it*
yes i enjoy my work, even though i dont understand why HR in other companies can be so easy-life, yet mine is always so 'hard-labour'. but yes, i do enjoy my hard-labour job. not to mention i always have a great team supporting me - in work and in personal. the only 'guaranteed' promise God has given me is favour of my boss. every boss of me trusts me completely to do my work, leaving me a lot of freedom and space to exercise my functionality. perhaps they know i'm workaholic...
but coming back to ytd, it was horrible. i had to fight internal war against panic and fear and stop myself from shivering and crying, yet i have to be professional to handle my employees' inquiries and requests. this is one war which i failed badly in my previous attack. i was simply immobilised - going to office at 9am,leaving at 5pm without doing anything but facebook. serious, that was how i 'worked' for 1mth before i decided it's not contributing to company, hence i took a short resignation break. so, can i say it's an achievement this time?
but trust me, though hiding in the exclusive executive washroom is cosy n comforting,but it's not fun. one can just died of fear inside,without anyone knowing. i had to drag myself out after every hiding and crying. i have never felt the assurance from washroom till now. how i wish i can work from washroom. that 12hrs office hrs (yes, i worked late again) was really hard to survive but i did. at least i managed to clear my 3days' emails (it's horror!) and stay on top of issues now.
so, i made a decision today. i decided to go for professional help. yes, specialist for my condition will cost quite a bit. then again, i thank God cos my current company's medical and insurance benefits is one of the best in its field (perhaps that is why God gave me this job). i really want to get this depression monster out of me, i dont want to be burden for anyone, esp my darling. i dont want to be a emotional time-bomb. trust me, depression is a disease which i pray will stay clear from every one of you. even the word 'depression' is not justifying - it's so much more horrible than being depressed. it's a time-bomb, panic attack can pounce on you anytime anywhere. it's a 24x7 battle.
how i miss my normal living life in taiwan.. how i wish i really can just migrate there, to live like the locals with good friends around me. i miss taiwan..
ytd had a panic attack (you get it often when u r in depression).. i was shivering with fear for the whole day, hid in the toilet for the record time i've ever visited washroom during office hrs. but somehow i managed to work, managed to function well to my internal clients and my colleagues.
today when i told angie about my panic attack ytd, she was shocked cos i really camouflaged well, so well that not to cause them any worry. i am really thankful for my team. my director told me before though i've only been few months with them, but i seem to be a regular 'old-bird' with the team. i take that as compliment, i think it's God's planning again... perhaps knowing well that i'm get depression attack (soon), He gave me this job just like He gave me the job in SAP. very supportive team, with great manager and director. you really cant blame me for being workaholic cos every job i had God just laid them onto my laps after first interview (with prayers,of course), including the do-nothing job in raffles place office.. and i really enjoy working. i seldom have to look around for second job option - usually first interview offer *proud of it*
yes i enjoy my work, even though i dont understand why HR in other companies can be so easy-life, yet mine is always so 'hard-labour'. but yes, i do enjoy my hard-labour job. not to mention i always have a great team supporting me - in work and in personal. the only 'guaranteed' promise God has given me is favour of my boss. every boss of me trusts me completely to do my work, leaving me a lot of freedom and space to exercise my functionality. perhaps they know i'm workaholic...
but coming back to ytd, it was horrible. i had to fight internal war against panic and fear and stop myself from shivering and crying, yet i have to be professional to handle my employees' inquiries and requests. this is one war which i failed badly in my previous attack. i was simply immobilised - going to office at 9am,leaving at 5pm without doing anything but facebook. serious, that was how i 'worked' for 1mth before i decided it's not contributing to company, hence i took a short resignation break. so, can i say it's an achievement this time?
but trust me, though hiding in the exclusive executive washroom is cosy n comforting,but it's not fun. one can just died of fear inside,without anyone knowing. i had to drag myself out after every hiding and crying. i have never felt the assurance from washroom till now. how i wish i can work from washroom. that 12hrs office hrs (yes, i worked late again) was really hard to survive but i did. at least i managed to clear my 3days' emails (it's horror!) and stay on top of issues now.
so, i made a decision today. i decided to go for professional help. yes, specialist for my condition will cost quite a bit. then again, i thank God cos my current company's medical and insurance benefits is one of the best in its field (perhaps that is why God gave me this job). i really want to get this depression monster out of me, i dont want to be burden for anyone, esp my darling. i dont want to be a emotional time-bomb. trust me, depression is a disease which i pray will stay clear from every one of you. even the word 'depression' is not justifying - it's so much more horrible than being depressed. it's a time-bomb, panic attack can pounce on you anytime anywhere. it's a 24x7 battle.
how i miss my normal living life in taiwan.. how i wish i really can just migrate there, to live like the locals with good friends around me. i miss taiwan..
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
31 Aug 10 - last battlefield in taiwan
i am in airport now, and hell i had to walk thru the 'memory lane' of shuttle train between T1 and T2! fated? what the FREAK! allow me to swear here, i freaking hate this feeling! i remembered how exhilarated i was at the internet kiosk when i read the email offer for my current job. i was so elated to share with him. oh God, it hurts like hell now.. FREAK!
quietly seated in this corner of meeting area, i find myself wondering if i'm strong as i hope, as strong as you people 'know' me to be, hope me to be. well, at least i had the courage to return to taiwan. this was scary for me, so scary that ian had to assure me that everything will be alright for my trip. that was 4 days ago. i really thank all of you for your love and concerns, perhaps even prayers.
the past 4 days were roller-coaster ride, thru pain, missing, panic, fear, tears, laughter and calmness. it's one hell of a ride, but i guess it helps. at least i know there are people who still cares for me despite distance. cant say they are best friends in need, but hey sure offer honest hurtful help. hurts the hell of me!
ok, back to the qns - will i recover? yes i will. will i accept that my darling has changed? to be very honest, no. yes i know i'm stubborn and i know people do change. but it's still hard to accept that my darling might have changed. i'd rather stay in the shadows of hope, waiting for him to face our reality with me. reality is never easy to accept. who has not withdrawn from reality in order to 'think it thru'? i had. and now i'm willing to wait and face it with minwei, when he's ready to face it. silly? naive?? stubborn??? whatever. this is my decision - no one can and will replace minwei whose efforts to gain my trust, my love in rship was obviously heartfelt. i know he is truthful to me. i still trust him, i still love him.
many of you told me to look forward to the next one.. how many next one will there be when i know he's the one? even if minwei decided to avoid me all his life, i'll still be here for him all my life. perhaps my definition of rship is old-fashion, but i still believe in giving my all to the one i love. love is never a gamble, it is a decision of commitment and faithfulness. i can never take rship as a gamble, as a trial round. kai told me i should look for pastor for rship, cos it's impossible to find such faithful guy on earth. well, i think i've found one and i am willing to wait for him. everyone has his fear, his time of withdrawal fr reality. but everyone has to face it one day. when minwei is ready to face our reality, willing to open himself to me, i will be here for him. meanwhile, i thank you people for standing in the gap for me, supporting me through these.
quietly seated in this corner of meeting area, i find myself wondering if i'm strong as i hope, as strong as you people 'know' me to be, hope me to be. well, at least i had the courage to return to taiwan. this was scary for me, so scary that ian had to assure me that everything will be alright for my trip. that was 4 days ago. i really thank all of you for your love and concerns, perhaps even prayers.
the past 4 days were roller-coaster ride, thru pain, missing, panic, fear, tears, laughter and calmness. it's one hell of a ride, but i guess it helps. at least i know there are people who still cares for me despite distance. cant say they are best friends in need, but hey sure offer honest hurtful help. hurts the hell of me!
ok, back to the qns - will i recover? yes i will. will i accept that my darling has changed? to be very honest, no. yes i know i'm stubborn and i know people do change. but it's still hard to accept that my darling might have changed. i'd rather stay in the shadows of hope, waiting for him to face our reality with me. reality is never easy to accept. who has not withdrawn from reality in order to 'think it thru'? i had. and now i'm willing to wait and face it with minwei, when he's ready to face it. silly? naive?? stubborn??? whatever. this is my decision - no one can and will replace minwei whose efforts to gain my trust, my love in rship was obviously heartfelt. i know he is truthful to me. i still trust him, i still love him.
many of you told me to look forward to the next one.. how many next one will there be when i know he's the one? even if minwei decided to avoid me all his life, i'll still be here for him all my life. perhaps my definition of rship is old-fashion, but i still believe in giving my all to the one i love. love is never a gamble, it is a decision of commitment and faithfulness. i can never take rship as a gamble, as a trial round. kai told me i should look for pastor for rship, cos it's impossible to find such faithful guy on earth. well, i think i've found one and i am willing to wait for him. everyone has his fear, his time of withdrawal fr reality. but everyone has to face it one day. when minwei is ready to face our reality, willing to open himself to me, i will be here for him. meanwhile, i thank you people for standing in the gap for me, supporting me through these.
31 Aug 10 - italian cafe
time now is 245pm. i had my massage (yes i did it in the end), walked down the street to and fro before finding this cosy little cafe. it's next to my apartment office. according to the lady boss, she's been around here for 5yrs! where on earth was i previously? how can i now find this place??
and you know what.. my masseur complimented i am pretty and even made a guess that i'm a fashion designer or sort!! me?? fashion?! what the hell! my drawings are horrible, let alone designing! but it dawn upon me - perhaps kai was right. it's the way i carry myself that give people this wrong impression of high-end living lifestyle. hell! i'm an aquarius! that's what we do- being ourselves ahead of so-called fashion!! it's a inert gift!!!
anyway i really like this cafe. no one else but me. raining outside but i am cosy inside. i have bought ticket for airport shuttle and called kai for his final 'rub' of salt onto my scarred wound. hey! the chocolate cake here is nice! warm, crispy and rich! awesome for a great rainy afternoon tea. if only i can relax like this in singapore, in such cosy cafe where i can define 'this shop belongs to me' ..
btw, did i tell you abt my luggage? i freaking admire myself! i came with 2 light bags, yet returning with 1 bulky bag, even though i did NO SHOPPING! i just went to the nearest supermarket to get all their instant noodles and sun biscuits! that's what efficient grocery shopping is! i just wonder if the airline allow me to hand carry this bag onto the plane. i dont like to check-in my luggage, it's simply a waste of time waiting for the belt to deliver it out.
oh, i'm so sure i'll be coming back to this cafe again! so cosy, so italian and so relaxing! what a gem in the alley!
back to my healing trip.. am i healed? have i recovered? have i accepted the fact that my darling has changed? heck, these are too serious qns for this environment. i will answer these when i'm in airport - my final battlefield. alone in that airport will sure bring back memories, so.. i will answer later. for now, i have to finish up my sinful chocolate cake and tea to catch my airport shuttle bus!
and you know what.. my masseur complimented i am pretty and even made a guess that i'm a fashion designer or sort!! me?? fashion?! what the hell! my drawings are horrible, let alone designing! but it dawn upon me - perhaps kai was right. it's the way i carry myself that give people this wrong impression of high-end living lifestyle. hell! i'm an aquarius! that's what we do- being ourselves ahead of so-called fashion!! it's a inert gift!!!
anyway i really like this cafe. no one else but me. raining outside but i am cosy inside. i have bought ticket for airport shuttle and called kai for his final 'rub' of salt onto my scarred wound. hey! the chocolate cake here is nice! warm, crispy and rich! awesome for a great rainy afternoon tea. if only i can relax like this in singapore, in such cosy cafe where i can define 'this shop belongs to me' ..
btw, did i tell you abt my luggage? i freaking admire myself! i came with 2 light bags, yet returning with 1 bulky bag, even though i did NO SHOPPING! i just went to the nearest supermarket to get all their instant noodles and sun biscuits! that's what efficient grocery shopping is! i just wonder if the airline allow me to hand carry this bag onto the plane. i dont like to check-in my luggage, it's simply a waste of time waiting for the belt to deliver it out.
oh, i'm so sure i'll be coming back to this cafe again! so cosy, so italian and so relaxing! what a gem in the alley!
back to my healing trip.. am i healed? have i recovered? have i accepted the fact that my darling has changed? heck, these are too serious qns for this environment. i will answer these when i'm in airport - my final battlefield. alone in that airport will sure bring back memories, so.. i will answer later. for now, i have to finish up my sinful chocolate cake and tea to catch my airport shuttle bus!
31 Aug 10 - 南修 typhoon
woke up at 930am, watched the latest update on the triplets typhoons, dragged myself out to bath before i was fully awake. since today is my last day in taiwan, i decided to be really 'high life' in the next few hours in taipei city. afterall i realised i am still loaded with NTD as much as i've arrived. save it for next trip? nah.. since people think i am high-life girl, i might as well be one in my last few hours.
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in starbucks having cinnamon roll with rose tea latte, i know i'm not supposed to have caffeine (under medication). but what the heck! this is what high-life is about, right? having leisure breakfast while everyone is busy going to work. i sms kai not to worry abt me today, esp he has 2 pricing meetings to attend. so, today i am completely alone and OUT! i just have to be independent!
it's still drizzling outside.. by the way, i gave 南修 typhoon a dare. if he really want to meet me, then be sure he make it strong typhoon. yes- i challenged my very best friend of nature - typhoon family. heck it, i know and i am confident of my gift with typhoons. i seem to be part of that family myself! hey, brothers and sisters!! i'm here!! if you want to cheer me up, stop passing around me! all these years, you've always been with me when i travel, be it taiwan, hongkong or thailand. just freaking hell, meet me in person! stop telling and showing me you are around for me, BE HERE for me! you coward!
what the heck, i cannot finish my roll and latte. i was so feministic, once a FCP. where the hell is the FCP of me? i'm angry, very angry with myself. i was independent, confident. what the hell happened to me now? damn you, depression! damn you! i hate this irregular flow of serotonin!! but i kinda like this marvelous pill - it's really a calming miracle.
anyway what should i do later? massage? nail art?? a new hairdo??? no i like my current hair as it is now. or what shall i get for hugo? i know there're 2 pet stores in my area. (trust me, i know this area better than i know my workplace-suntec). i just want to get something for my precious son. ok, that will occupy me later.
ok time to get out of this starbucks before i start missing my darling and his mocha-chip frappe.. looking at the drizzle, i guess 南修 typhoon has no guts to meet me in person. coward! i'm no geography student, but i really challenge you to be stronger if u want to meet me in person! my 'beloved' typhoon family!!
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in starbucks having cinnamon roll with rose tea latte, i know i'm not supposed to have caffeine (under medication). but what the heck! this is what high-life is about, right? having leisure breakfast while everyone is busy going to work. i sms kai not to worry abt me today, esp he has 2 pricing meetings to attend. so, today i am completely alone and OUT! i just have to be independent!
it's still drizzling outside.. by the way, i gave 南修 typhoon a dare. if he really want to meet me, then be sure he make it strong typhoon. yes- i challenged my very best friend of nature - typhoon family. heck it, i know and i am confident of my gift with typhoons. i seem to be part of that family myself! hey, brothers and sisters!! i'm here!! if you want to cheer me up, stop passing around me! all these years, you've always been with me when i travel, be it taiwan, hongkong or thailand. just freaking hell, meet me in person! stop telling and showing me you are around for me, BE HERE for me! you coward!
what the heck, i cannot finish my roll and latte. i was so feministic, once a FCP. where the hell is the FCP of me? i'm angry, very angry with myself. i was independent, confident. what the hell happened to me now? damn you, depression! damn you! i hate this irregular flow of serotonin!! but i kinda like this marvelous pill - it's really a calming miracle.
anyway what should i do later? massage? nail art?? a new hairdo??? no i like my current hair as it is now. or what shall i get for hugo? i know there're 2 pet stores in my area. (trust me, i know this area better than i know my workplace-suntec). i just want to get something for my precious son. ok, that will occupy me later.
ok time to get out of this starbucks before i start missing my darling and his mocha-chip frappe.. looking at the drizzle, i guess 南修 typhoon has no guts to meet me in person. coward! i'm no geography student, but i really challenge you to be stronger if u want to meet me in person! my 'beloved' typhoon family!!
30 Aug 10 - staying all day in room
decided to spend this day in my room. yes people, i know you'll protest but i really need this space on my own. i need this time to be on my own.. that's what retreat is for, right?
i still miss minwei, but will he miss me? i'm trying to fight against my depression, but will he care? i really dont need him to be around me, cos depression is my own battle, no one can fight for me against this monster. but i do need to know if he still loves me.
i have been wondering if i'm 'high-maintenance'.. when i told kai ytd on how i budget my money, my limit on my grooming and clothing, he was so shocked. it is actually very simple and LOW-COST! yes, i really do live a simple lifestyle. but he exclaimed and explained perhaps it's the way i carry myself that give such clothing an expensive impression. i just look a bit high-maintenance and fashionable.. someetimes, i really do not need kai to be so honest~
anyway, am i? do i?? i'm an aquarius, a typical aquarius with sharp sense of fashion in my own style. it's just me. i dont like branded stuff, i dont like anything costing more than S$30. yes, i am serious. nothing on me from head to toe, which will cost more than S$30.. NOTHING!
i start to ponder whatever give people this impression.. cos i do keep myself informed of all the branded trends? this is so absurd! keeping myself informed is my way of socialising. you might not believe but most of my friends are into this branded thingy. so, in order to maintain common topic and friendship, i have to keep myself informed of all the latest trends and release of branded goods.
darling, i dont know if you feel stress like them, but i really have to confess i have a very simple lifestyle. ok, my hugo may look like a 'rich' dog, cos he's getting fatter and more and more pampered, but that's bcos i saved everything for him. my hugo, my son. i promise him one thing - i may not be rich to give him luxury life, but i promise he'll be the most loved dog in the world. that is my promise to him. that's why he's so pampered. that is how i love him - my all. silly? naive?? yes - i agree but i cant help myself.
kai told me to be rationale in rship. but am i not rationale enough? i though thru all tiny details before starting a rship, before committing into a rship. through all the considerations and precaution, why am i still getting hurt? rationality helps?? i dont think so.
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one thing i enjoy travelling alone is i can really stay all day in my room. and actually i'm glad i did cos today was twin typhoon day. it's raining heavily outside for the whole day.. i am just contented to be in my room, sleeping, reading, writing and sleeping all day.. when i write and sleep, the pain seems to be better.. ok, for all of you who are concerned for my diet, yes i did eat.. not a lot though, but at least i ate my dinner just now.
the only social thing i had was a long chat with guoqing. he's more merciful than kai. knowing it's my own battle to walk out, though he cant be ard for me, but chatting with him always calm me down. or perhaps it's bcos of all the layers of salt kai has rubbed onto my wound, his comforting words just came handy as sweet to bitter medicine.
i know everyone cares, everyone loves me, cheering me on to be happier, to be out of depression. but the only concern message i really hope for is from minwei. i know i have to leave him alone, give him some time to think but i really miss him.. i will wait for you, darling.
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latest news update! there're now 3 typhoons around taiwan! newly developed above taiwan is 南修 typhoon. dont blame me - i just attract typhoons to wherever i go, esp taiwan. i dont understand it either. for years, it has been so.. maybe God knows i love strong winds and storms hence He is sending 3 of them to cheer me up? both land and sea alarm will be activated soon at 2330hrs. am i supposed to be happier now, cos of my gift?
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back to my chat with guoqing, i really appreciate how much he cares for me despite his busy schedule. he's stubbornly caring, and i really appreciate it. i also hope things will be better, i also hope i can walk out of this depression. i know there are many people still care and love me, but this time i really have no energy to fight this battle. i dont understand who can be regard rship as transaction? as a trial? but i will still keep on fighting this battle for recovery. i did it before, i can do it again.
i still miss minwei, but will he miss me? i'm trying to fight against my depression, but will he care? i really dont need him to be around me, cos depression is my own battle, no one can fight for me against this monster. but i do need to know if he still loves me.
i have been wondering if i'm 'high-maintenance'.. when i told kai ytd on how i budget my money, my limit on my grooming and clothing, he was so shocked. it is actually very simple and LOW-COST! yes, i really do live a simple lifestyle. but he exclaimed and explained perhaps it's the way i carry myself that give such clothing an expensive impression. i just look a bit high-maintenance and fashionable.. someetimes, i really do not need kai to be so honest~
anyway, am i? do i?? i'm an aquarius, a typical aquarius with sharp sense of fashion in my own style. it's just me. i dont like branded stuff, i dont like anything costing more than S$30. yes, i am serious. nothing on me from head to toe, which will cost more than S$30.. NOTHING!
i start to ponder whatever give people this impression.. cos i do keep myself informed of all the branded trends? this is so absurd! keeping myself informed is my way of socialising. you might not believe but most of my friends are into this branded thingy. so, in order to maintain common topic and friendship, i have to keep myself informed of all the latest trends and release of branded goods.
darling, i dont know if you feel stress like them, but i really have to confess i have a very simple lifestyle. ok, my hugo may look like a 'rich' dog, cos he's getting fatter and more and more pampered, but that's bcos i saved everything for him. my hugo, my son. i promise him one thing - i may not be rich to give him luxury life, but i promise he'll be the most loved dog in the world. that is my promise to him. that's why he's so pampered. that is how i love him - my all. silly? naive?? yes - i agree but i cant help myself.
kai told me to be rationale in rship. but am i not rationale enough? i though thru all tiny details before starting a rship, before committing into a rship. through all the considerations and precaution, why am i still getting hurt? rationality helps?? i dont think so.
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one thing i enjoy travelling alone is i can really stay all day in my room. and actually i'm glad i did cos today was twin typhoon day. it's raining heavily outside for the whole day.. i am just contented to be in my room, sleeping, reading, writing and sleeping all day.. when i write and sleep, the pain seems to be better.. ok, for all of you who are concerned for my diet, yes i did eat.. not a lot though, but at least i ate my dinner just now.
the only social thing i had was a long chat with guoqing. he's more merciful than kai. knowing it's my own battle to walk out, though he cant be ard for me, but chatting with him always calm me down. or perhaps it's bcos of all the layers of salt kai has rubbed onto my wound, his comforting words just came handy as sweet to bitter medicine.
i know everyone cares, everyone loves me, cheering me on to be happier, to be out of depression. but the only concern message i really hope for is from minwei. i know i have to leave him alone, give him some time to think but i really miss him.. i will wait for you, darling.
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latest news update! there're now 3 typhoons around taiwan! newly developed above taiwan is 南修 typhoon. dont blame me - i just attract typhoons to wherever i go, esp taiwan. i dont understand it either. for years, it has been so.. maybe God knows i love strong winds and storms hence He is sending 3 of them to cheer me up? both land and sea alarm will be activated soon at 2330hrs. am i supposed to be happier now, cos of my gift?
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back to my chat with guoqing, i really appreciate how much he cares for me despite his busy schedule. he's stubbornly caring, and i really appreciate it. i also hope things will be better, i also hope i can walk out of this depression. i know there are many people still care and love me, but this time i really have no energy to fight this battle. i dont understand who can be regard rship as transaction? as a trial? but i will still keep on fighting this battle for recovery. i did it before, i can do it again.
28 Aug 10 - i dont want to wear mask
i woke up with missing today again. no matter where i am, this aching pain and missing for my darling jusr wont leave me. i really miss my darling.. as much as i try to recover from my depression, i cant help missing, thinking of minwei.. i really miss you, darling..
even watching tv didnt help - every channels remind me that he could (had) been watching it same channel. i really miss him so much now. though the pill regularised my heartbeat, but the aching pain.. i could stay all day in this room, wishing my darling will contact me, ask me out.. i really miss him so much..
i know this defeats the purpose of this trip but i simply cant help myself. i dont want to wear a mask even when i'm alone, in my room.. i just cried.. esp when i heard the taiwanese song 家後 i simply just flood my bed.. i miss you, tseng minwei. that song is how i feel for you..
even watching tv didnt help - every channels remind me that he could (had) been watching it same channel. i really miss him so much now. though the pill regularised my heartbeat, but the aching pain.. i could stay all day in this room, wishing my darling will contact me, ask me out.. i really miss him so much..
i know this defeats the purpose of this trip but i simply cant help myself. i dont want to wear a mask even when i'm alone, in my room.. i just cried.. esp when i heard the taiwanese song 家後 i simply just flood my bed.. i miss you, tseng minwei. that song is how i feel for you..
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