30 Sep 09 - 新娘不是我

i was browsing through my facebook when i saw B's status update to 'engaged'.. in that instant, i indeed felt the pinch.. yes, a pinch in heart.. am i affected? of course, i'm affected! *hey i'm human ok* but what can i say, i 'trained' that guy well.. not to forget, his current gf is 7yrs older than him, he has better hold his word to commit in this relationship lest he'd really let the poor girl down.. and i really prayed for him n his gf to work well (am i good or am i good in 'training' boys into men? and am i blessed or am i blessed that God really answers my prayers - i mean it, He really answers my prayers~)

somehow, it still took me 5mins to settle my emotions - happy for them or sad for myself. people i'm fine, dont worry.. after the 5mins, i'm quite 'pleased' with myself actually - every ex-bf i had will get married with the gf after me *blessed is the girl after me~*.. either i've trained them well in how to commit into relationship so they can take care of future gf or how to be a real man so they can stop hurting another heart. well, at least they have all settled down now, so i should be glad for them, even though it could have been with me (1yr vs 4yrs).. hehe...

trust me, i really do wonder if i'm just too capable to take care of myself.. so able that no guy seems to be able to take care of me, or thinks i'm 'too high' for them.. haha, some friends think i've the natural instinct to take care of people, and quite good in 'leadership' too.. all in all, i'm a natural 'mother' (ask my hugo- he can vouch for that!) hence.. i need a stronger 'father' to match to my strong motherly instinct..sigh..unless men rises up to their calling in commitment, where to find such strong fatherly character?hmm.. i think i should start a school - to train guys into men!

************
after the above blog entry, i went to facebook and got this timely revelation:
Janet got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed.
That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one...It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

what can i say.. my Lord Jesus Christ is watching over me now, inside and outside! :)

28 Sep 09 - 'last' few days

what do u do in ur 'last' few days of freedom (boredom)? ..
ok, i admit i'm not a person who likes to 'do nothing' or 'take thing easy'.. even watching a movie, i've my strict preferences cos i dun like to 'waste time' on silly plot.. i guess that's why i'm making my leisure life difficult.. for past days, i really avoided watching tv (seriously!).. i dun wan to be tempted or regret for not going taiwan..my 'good dear friend' asked me to stay in taiwan for a month~! what a 'good' offer to tempt me :(.. (btw thank God, i didn't go lest i'll be blamed for tyhoon Ketsana 颱風凱莎娜 who is by-passing taiwan now from philippines)..

last sat, pastor kong was preaching to the men, yes, the men in church -'your word is your bond'.. i cant help feeling pleased, the standard of men really have to rise up~ if u dont maximise, u will impede people ard u, esp ur spouse, from fulfilling their maximum potential, their destiny.. wow, personally i think that'll be a HUGE stumbling block - imagine how many lives will be 'lost' or miserable, if 'ur words are cheap'~! not to forget that u better have a great explanation to God on the Final Day for such behaviour and attitude. (pls, men, rise up n be men of God!!)

ok, back to today.. cool breezy monday morning.. what shall i do today?seriously.. somehow it's hard to imagine i'll be starting my work this thursday.. just 2 more days to go.. it seems like so long that i've been unemployed.. i wonder how it'll be like.. and i'm starting to treasure my last freedom - psychologically..

22 Sep 09 - bored and 'stuck'

call me aqua-lady or storm.. whatever.. this is the 4th day in 7days when i wanna go out without an appointment but it rains! my sis even started to wonder if i'm destined with rain.. first taiwan; now singapore??

seriously, i really wanted to go out.. imagine going to town, sitting leisurely in a cafe watching all the working people buzzing by..... but i just cant seem to do that! it rains whenever i want go out! and when i've no intention of going out, the sun was real cooperative in shining his best.. :( and when it rains, i'd just feel like lazing at home with my hot pot pf tea - my most comforting laze..

argh!! what is the matter? i cant go out even though i'm doing nothing at home except watching taiwan tv programmes and news?? and to tell you the fact, i'm on the verge of issuing my airticket to taipei, leaving tomorrow till 29Sept! seriously, i was really about to click that 'CONFIRM' button of internet ticketing to fly out tomorrow afternoon.. just before i click it, my beloved hugo came to me with his teary eyes and waggy tail (he wanna hug hug).. sigh.. he always has his ways with me.. in the end, i gave up the airticket booking.. argh~~

why why.. i'm gonna be bored to death.. though i like staying at home, but.. i seldom get the chance to go out on weekdays,esp once i start work!! let alone a 6days stay in taiwan!! argh..................

17 Sep 09 - post-modernism relationship

i wonder what's with youngsters these days and i refer to their perspective in relationship.. if you are willing to have a relationship with ur gf/bf, u shld have the expectations or at least try to work towards marriage, make this relationship a longlasting one.. i'm so against the post-modernism idea of 'try and see' attitude! dont give me the utter rubbish excuses-'i'm not ready for such commitment' or 'it's too fast for me'.. relationship is a commitment by itself, be it friendship or BGR; if you are not ready, then jolly well dont start it, and if it's too fast, then talk it out and work together to 'slow' it down to a comfort level for both of you.. breaking up is certainly NOT an option to explore at all! (trust me, i'm not saying this cos my past experience~) i really mean it, who is perfect? who has not failed or made mistakes? the so-called perfect relationship is the fruit of tedious communications, endless adjustments and acceptance which obviously are done 'behind the scene'. rome is not built in one day, and in this context, perfect match is not built within one lifetime!

and guys, yes, i'm talking to you guys again (it's been a long while).. i can understand u r hesitant about promises, about making future plans.. yes, u wan to be sure that u can provide before u can start to paint the future.. but hey! if you know and you know, ur gf is the one for you, the one girl you'd like to spend the rest of your life with.. TELL HER! it doesn not matter if you do not have 'future plan' at this moment, at least when you do tell her, she knows and she'll feel appreciated and hence her willingness to go thru this stage with you.. honesty is the best policy! and please, when u do say that, mean it with all your heart.. dare to risk rejection or disappointment! be a man!! come'on, even though females are emotional, but we do need direction, we do need to know that you actually have us in your future plan but perhaps not now.. won't it be nice and clear if you clearly indicate ur intention and 'possible future', let us have the freedom to wait willingly or to end it.. i mean, even if it's an ending, at least u have no regrets - you made done ur part to hope it'll last, to try to work things out together. i know it hurts, disappoints, but hey.. do your best is more impt than living with regrets! it does not matter what stage of lie u are in now, be in transition between study n work or employment n unemployment, if you tuly love and treasure her, TELL HER!

somehow, i'm pretty much perplexed and disappointed with post-modernism mindset, it's so individualised.. i'm not saying it's not good to be individual, to be creative but many a times, it's the SELF-centredness in individual at work, instead of creativity to enhance one another's lives. we want relationship cos we want to be like the rest; we want relationship cos we can have a support.. how about having a relationship bcos you truly want to provide your best to enhance ur partner's life, to be the pillar of support when he/she is down? ... sigh..somehow even wanting to love is so selfish now cos you want to be assured before u assure pple (what's courage n faith in such assurance?)

it's time to reflect why we enter into relationship in the first place.. why do we allow our fluctuating feelings to dominate over our commitment to each other? decision is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step.

**********
by the way, some of you asked me what's my strongest talents, which i've been stringently assessed on my 2nd interview.. F-Focus; R-Ranger; R-Relationship; C-Caring... dont ask me to elaborate - i just know that's accurately me, be it social or work.. and i'm weaker in Persuasion and Innovation.. yes, that's me~! :)
and i thank God for opening and blessing me with such a speedy and smooth job offer (yes, again! didn't i tell you He is my BEST consultant?) the work environment sounds like a great place to work - imagine a fitness gym and swimming pool in office building! gosh, reminds me so much of AUO HQ in taiwan.. work smart, play hard

12 Sep 09 - Ruth, cleave on!

relaxing in the quiet,cosy corner of my room, i cant help thinking abt what my manager believed 'it's a spiritual warfare that you're experiencing such depressing situation esp cos u just had your baptism (a very significant declaration into the spiritual realm)' *perhaps?* on another hand, i wondered and confused by this job switch.. i was kinda sure it's a smooth offer from Him yet i wonder if it was my own anxiety to move out of my comfort zone.. frankly, i cant deny my anxiety cos i didn't really seek n pray abt it when i was offered - iit just came and i accepted the smooth offer and disregarded the uneasy challenge, believing i could cope with this change.. i really wanted to do better than my comfort zone... but, looking back, i wonder if it's a self-initiated move, instead of God's. (you know, when pple dont listen to God, they learnt thru a harder way..am i?)

in the midst of every confusion and attempts to be at peace with my situation, how much i wanted to hear from God.. any sign or advice would seem 'timely' enough. i attended service trying to lift a heavy heart with my all rationality and reasons.. i just dont understand why.. and if it was a mistake to leave this challenging job, .. so..but i've already left.. i cant go back and take back my resignation, at least not in this state of mind.. back in service, i was excited when pastor said he'll be sharing on book of Ruth - Ruth is the book which kept me fighting for sanity and holding so close onto God during my depression days.. how Ruth was clinging onto Naomi despite the many challenges ahead if she follows Naomi back to the land of Judah... yet throughout the preaching, i was trying to decipher the message and applying into my situation.. the more i try, the more confused i get..

but thanks be to God, He never gives up on me, even though my ears and eyes are blocked from hearing Him.. my cup was so full of myself, my systematic reasonings, yet none of His Words.. at the end of service, it's like a 'spark' of enlightening..

no, J, stop trying to understand what went wrong.. obviously something went wrong, yes it was grave mistake but what was done had been done.. no one is to blame and nothing you can do to reverse the works.. remember how God guided and led you through your depression? remember how He directed you to this little book, out of the 66 books in Bible? when the children of Israel made their grave sin to worship the crafted calf, instead of the Living God, yes God was furious and they had to undergo 40yrs of wilderness around the Promised Land, before they can even step into the Promised Land. but did God give up on them? no, God's love for them is ever good and flowing - He even provided heavenly manna and water flowing out from rocks in the wilderness! He is Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide!!
Psa 30:5
For His anger is but for a moment,His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
our God is Just and Merciful! as long as you repent and confess before Him, His mercy renews each day and His grace will enables you to be strong again to do His Will.. only repent, believe and trust, then you'll surely bear fruits in due season!

cant tell you what a short shock revelation i had at the end of the service.. i mean, hello, for the whole 2hrs i was trying to understand and apply the principles into my situation yet reaping no peace.. till this 'knock' on my head to stop thinking.. yes, with my mouth, i've been asking Him to help and direct, yet my mental hand was filling my cup with my own logic for the whole 2hrs.. i guess it kinda 'frustrate' Him too, so much so that He had to knock my hand away in order for Him to pour His Words into my cup.. honestly, i felt so silly.. felt like 'moron' in His Presence.. what was i thinking and tryng to do, seriously? but dwelling in His Presence, His Peace and Joy encompassed me.. it's better to be His co-pilot.. watching Him in command and seeing all the impossible becomes possible.. surely, this is no coincident that today's message in on book of Ruth.. He has prepared this message, not for me to decipher and slot into my situation, but to assure me that whatever happens, He will still be with me.. we will face it together, just like the last time..

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o'er
Your love has seen me thru all my days
I stand here by Your grace

On this altar, I've writen my life
Tells of the story i have with You, my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever, and forever I'm with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul

God of my forever, and forever I will sing
My greatest honour will always be
To serve my Lord and King
Forever and ever, Jesus You alone, Your glory reigns
Forever and ever, with You i'll walk this narrow way

I love you Jesus!!! You are ever true and ever good God!! I don't want to be a passionate kisser, but a passionate cleaver onto You! Just as Ruth bcos of her loyalty and commitment, she clung onto Naomi , I will cling onto You!


Ruth 1: 16-17
Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me.

9 Sep 09 - is D coming?

this gonna be a real short entry.. cos i've nothing much to share.. this morning after 1night of sleepless condition, doc says at this rate i'm going, it's likely to be relapse... then he prepared one full month of D pills and sleep pills for me..

am i excited to see my 'old pals' again? not really.. yet without them, i know i cant rest.. torn between, i decided to tell my boss abt my condition..whatever it is, with my last sanity i know my health should be over my work.. this is the first time work gets into my life and trigger D!! ok, i know the D was started by B 2yrs ago.. but i never expect my beloved work can trigger that as well!

pls dun tell me i've to fight another D battle again.. it's NOT funny! i really wan to get onto my work, though it's stressful and demanding,.. i just wan to work normally to my best ability!! Holy Father, please enlarge my capacity, a greater treshold for stress to do my work with excellence and joy!! dun let me fall into D..

i cried.. last night i cried again.. i really dun wan D to come..

6 Sep 09 - 領悟

菁最喜歡這樣的天氣! 窗外下著雨, 微風飄進.. 使整個屋子涼涼的, 真爽! 更讚的是能在這涼爽的一天, 懶洋洋躺在菁的'小天地'休息, 喝著親自作的湯圓薑母湯.. 多麼幸福~~ 若天天這樣那該多好!!

也許菁真的疲累了.. 前先想要的工作挑戰,對現在的菁已經沒那麼重要了.. 近日的菁只想好好地休息.. 放大大長假地好好休息.. 昨晚和朋友談天時, 她建議菁好好地找個可靠的對像, 菁才可以'好好地休息'.. 雖然有道理但那是甚麼忠告嘛! 現實殘酷!!

話又說回來, 甚麼'女強人',甚麼'優秀表現', 菁已經沒有興趣了... 菁累得只想'盡力而為',好好地過日子.. 除了工作,這世界還有很多人和物值得菁去珍惜去關心. 在有生之年,若能把自己的快樂和祝福與親戚朋友分享, 那喜悅往往遠遠超越在職場的成就感.. 看著剛剛畢業精力充沛的同事們天天晚歸, 菁試想當初自己是否也如此'賣命'..

也許菁終於長大, 也許菁真的老了.. 但這種想法和認同沒什麼不好.. 至少今年才30歲的菁現在領悟還有時間'重頭再來'... 好了~下一份工作! 飯店服務!! 準時上班,準時下班~ 健康生活!

.. 突然想'考驗'自己的極限 - 冷天游泳! .. 好了, 今天就到這裡,拜拜了~

4 Sep 09 - You are who you are bcos of who God is

2 things i wanna give God all thanks!
1) His Ever-Faithfulness
everyone who follows my blog knows i'm really very stress and down past weeks.. besides the uncertainty of life, i'm also facing 2 tough female bosses who are 101% perfectionists.. and how in doubt and demoralised i had been.. well, Jesus saw my situation and knew my heart :) in the midst of me trying to pick myself up from all the negativity, He has never left me alone to face it all! besides His daily Peace which strengthens me on my way to work, He sent friends to me.. friends who usually wont contact to ask 'how's life'; friends who usually say 'hi-bye' or have less than 5sentences to converse..

my friend from taiwan called.. ya, i shldnt be so surprised since he does call now n then.. but this time.. from his tone, his manner of speech, i knew he called for no apparently reason, just to 'check' if i'm ok.. i cannot tell you how encouraged and comforted to hear such greetings, esp i was really trying to gather myself mentally and emotionally after a tough morning. it's always good to know and hear from someone who thinks of you and 'check' on you.. despite the short few mins of conversation, i really felt 'supported'!

i know God is watching my every step, guiding and guarding me.. and to add that 'physical touch', He inspired friends to to come n 'check on me', in spite of physical distance, esp in this time of dullness!! now i'm sure and i'm sure - MY GOD IS WITH ME!

2) His Ever-Lasting Promises
just came back from overnight prayer meeting (obviously i didn't stay overnight) but i'm already so blessed and assured of His Love! *every prayer is an opportunity to experience God!* the sharing is on Armour of God (Eph 6:10-18), an ever so familiar verse and it speaks right into my heart! Helmet of Salvation and Breastplate of Righteousness!!

i cannot share more how much i've been fighting with depressing thoughts since i started new job.. though i know it still kinda lurks into me, making me more stress and depressed..as much as i know i'm recycling this destructive thoughts and feelings, i just cant get it out of my system..

so i tried to ignore my distractions, concentrating on my prayers and pressing on, His Presence soon encompassed and filled me with His Love, assuring me of His Grace! indeed, the weak can now say 'i'm strong' (Joel 3:10)! He who is in me is Greater than he who is in the world (1John 4:4)!! note: i'm not saying these cos the Bible says so but bcos i saw a real human Man sacrificing His Life for the Joy that He may give to us! can almost 'feel' for a Man living 2000yrs ago cruxified on the Cross - His whole Body weight clinging on the 'support' of the nails which pierced through the nerves on His limbs, any body movement will cause Him such great pain and torment (not to mention the public humiliation of total nakedness)!! yet bcos of His Love for you and me, He was willing to be slashed, pierced and died for us!! what a great price He paid to ransom us!!what's more will He not give us? He will never leave us or forsake us! we are apples of His eyes!

all i can do is kneel in awe of Him, in praise, in worship.. i know as long as i do my best, God will do the rest. He has never leave me alone, not even for a milli-second! and when i thought i was emotional to feel this way *see, i was still rationale to logic on my experience*, the preacher explained the difference of 'emotioinal' and 'being in awe of God'..

come'on, J, what's more evidence do you need? trust Him, for the Lord your God will reveal His Plan for you! thank You, Jesus! You are indeed my Lord of All!!


Isa 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

2 Sep 09 - Work+The Proposal = possible relapse

i know u guys dont want to hear sad updates from me.. but hey, i just have to vent it out ok~

last night i was 101% depressed and lost.. kinda 'lost meaning in life'.. the work is overwhelming yet i have to keep afloat of all the messy projects deadlines and updates, and to make it worse, it's only my 3rd week this week! besides the linguistic pressure (in written n spoken) and complicated red tape of such 'small' regional office, i am somehow 'expected' to know the current procedures of every policy so i can implement them online!! trust me, i'm freaking freaky stress! ON THE VERGE OF DEPRESSION RELAPSE!

before i went nuts, i just had to talk to someone.. someone i'm very comfortable talking to, and someone who can cheer me up.. i called GQ.. frankly, i dont remember the contents of our conversation.. 80% crap mostly.. but after chatting with him, i'm able to rest.. somehow there's light at the end of tunnel.. well, perhaps things aren't that bad (wait till my phone bill come for the overseas calls!) that's what friends are for.. in times like these, i know i can rely on him to 'lift' me out from signs of depression..

yet.. i can tell you, depression is really persistent.. it crept into me again tonight.. though i didn't work late tonight (i visited my friend in hospital instead), the feeling of loneliness is really dragging me down.. perhaps it's my work today ( my colleague told me not to put too much expectations on myself), perhaps it's the stupid good "The Proposal" movie.. it's really so hurtful when Andrew (Ryan Reynolds) agreed with Margaret (Sandra Bullock) to their fear of love at the last scene.. ok i can disregard the too-good-to-be-true scene n plot (ie cute, sensitive, caring, smart and great-looking guy who happened to be damn rich!), but the fact of the matter is I'M ALSO SCARED! i mean, who isn't? but.. well, i reckon the more feministic one is, the possibility of fear is higher?? anyway, it's just a not-so-good movie for me.. it'll be great if it's not so 'factual' into the love thingy..

someone asked me why GQ.. wel, cos i know my friendship with him is and has withstand all ups and downs.. i can always turn to him, and count on him to be there for me.. this is how strong my friendship with GQ is.. despite the physical distance. thank you, GQ! i really treasure our friendship so much! (but i cant call you every night, it's gonna cost both of us a bomb on overseas calls!)