14Jun2010 10:50pm - i hang up on him. i know he really didnt want to end the call despite the fact he's on his flight to US (no mobile connection allowed on flight, remember?) but i really dont have anything to say..
to be frank, last wkend i thought through a lot of things.. matters on my work, issues of my rship and also concerns of my health (mental health?)..shall i share with you guys? before i do, may i declare i'm NOT in depression yet, perhaps it's a sign but no, i'm not under depression now :)
u know i've just came back to my 'rice-bowl' job, back to long hours and fire-fighting days. and just so happened i also had opportunity to discuss on another position with my taiwanes ex-boss.. thus qns started to emerge in my mind, 'why do i want to look for job again','am i sure of relocation in future? if not,why disrupt my career planning in such short span?' etc etc.. cant deny the fact i m rather affected, no doubt, but i really tried to cast it aside, reasoning with taking a step at a time, after all the position is not an confirmed offer. ok, many of you would have guessed - i might just be tempted cos of my rship, perhaps one day i have to be relocated etc etc.. but we seem to miss the qn of 'is J really game/ready for relocation?' ok, perhaps that too far of a future to consider, let's bring the picture nearer - am i really ready for LDR? *didnt i scream on top of my lungs that i didnt want LDR?!*
what on earth came over me when i agreed to enter LDR? did i overestimate myself for being 'independent' or just another stepping stone towards another depression? as if my last rship was not complicated enough, i'm actually allowing myself to be in a more complicated rship now, dealing with physical absence.. am i really in the right mind?
*disclaimer: i'm not regretting on my rship, but just wonder why did i 'forsake' my firm stand against LDR..
**disclaimer again: i'm not saying he's mistreating me but just wonder why did i allow him to come into my life when i was pushing him away due to physical distance..
anyway i kinda 'awaken' now..especially when i realised what a good man he is, the seed of doubt started to flourish with light of awakening.. how long will we continue to be apart? are we really going to rely on air travel,just to spend a weekend together? how long will it takes before one of us starts to feel tired, i mean emotionally n physically draining? 3yrs? 5yrs? one thing i can be sure is i'm not ready to relocate in next 3yrs - something i feel 'right' to my very bones.
at this thought, i find myself speechless in front of him.. are we really serious about moving forward? or rather, am i? what else can i talk to him? how can i 'tactfully' voice out without casting fear/anxiety on him? i know he's full of faith in our rship, but 'faith without works is dead' will this turn out to be sheer malarkey?.. i dont know.. i cant even foresee how we spend Christmas, his birthday, let alone my birthday and many important festivals ahead..i choose to remain silent..
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