"i love you" has become a sentence i'd often hear.. not that i dislike the notion of proclaiming, but to a certain extent, i'm beginning to doubt its sincerity and solemness of it. then again, perhaps it's my current raging hormones that i'm rather over-sensitive when i'm actually feeling of losing him.. i know he still loves me a lot, i still choose to believe in his words....
perhaps it's just me who cant feel the fuzziness of 'love'. i'm sure every couple goes through this - at one time or another, u just dont feel as loved as u thought so. maybe because we're (i'm) too tired (sick), hence letting thoughts go wild (too wild?). in any case, i really hope to know what's in his mind, his heart every day..yes, this is unlike the usual j who would rather wait with 'heck-care' attitude to be informed but this time, i really really hope to know his thoughts each day, 'fresh' from the horse's mouth. i really want to know everything about him.. *sounds like a possessive gf?*
yet, i am also aware of the danger of becoming nuisance and overpowering in rship. the last thing i want to be is 'language burden'. being in my condition, sometimes little actions or words might spark off negative thoughts, an active contributor to depression. i know he's been very tactful and considerate for my feelings, my thoughts. so very often that he might even filter his thoughts and views before expressing. i must admit, i m really appreciative of his love efforts to do so, however it also makes me feel i'm adding onto his burden. how can i be his pillar, if i m becoming a communication burden?
i know he reads my blog, my venting space of all my feelings (mostly negative).. after reading he would want to 'protect' me from my negative thoughts, but i hope he would understand the law of covers- the thicker the protection layers, the further the core.. what is the core of our rship? our honest love.. if in the name of protection we find ourselves distanced from that love, what's the point of protection? in fact, last night, i dreamt of the days when we were so frank to each other as normal friends, how i could sense his presence in his absence (silly as it may sounds, but it's true)... when morning came, i really didn't want to wake up.
darling, if you are reading now, pls read my blog with a pinch (LARGE pinch) of salt.. since young, my journals have been my venting space to pen down all thoughts, esp negativity. i know you will be concerned after reading, but please remember my rule of thumb - once vented out, the thoughts stay in this blog and i'll be fine. so, please dont be too concerned for me. just be yourself, be frank and open to me, ok? just like how we were as friends.. dont delay your first instinctive response, otherwise i'd have to block you from my blog~ that's a threat, but i mean it.
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