relaxing in the quiet,cosy corner of my room, i cant help thinking abt what my manager believed 'it's a spiritual warfare that you're experiencing such depressing situation esp cos u just had your baptism (a very significant declaration into the spiritual realm)' *perhaps?* on another hand, i wondered and confused by this job switch.. i was kinda sure it's a smooth offer from Him yet i wonder if it was my own anxiety to move out of my comfort zone.. frankly, i cant deny my anxiety cos i didn't really seek n pray abt it when i was offered - iit just came and i accepted the smooth offer and disregarded the uneasy challenge, believing i could cope with this change.. i really wanted to do better than my comfort zone... but, looking back, i wonder if it's a self-initiated move, instead of God's. (you know, when pple dont listen to God, they learnt thru a harder way..am i?)
in the midst of every confusion and attempts to be at peace with my situation, how much i wanted to hear from God.. any sign or advice would seem 'timely' enough. i attended service trying to lift a heavy heart with my all rationality and reasons.. i just dont understand why.. and if it was a mistake to leave this challenging job, .. so..but i've already left.. i cant go back and take back my resignation, at least not in this state of mind.. back in service, i was excited when pastor said he'll be sharing on book of Ruth - Ruth is the book which kept me fighting for sanity and holding so close onto God during my depression days.. how Ruth was clinging onto Naomi despite the many challenges ahead if she follows Naomi back to the land of Judah... yet throughout the preaching, i was trying to decipher the message and applying into my situation.. the more i try, the more confused i get..
but thanks be to God, He never gives up on me, even though my ears and eyes are blocked from hearing Him.. my cup was so full of myself, my systematic reasonings, yet none of His Words.. at the end of service, it's like a 'spark' of enlightening..
no, J, stop trying to understand what went wrong.. obviously something went wrong, yes it was grave mistake but what was done had been done.. no one is to blame and nothing you can do to reverse the works.. remember how God guided and led you through your depression? remember how He directed you to this little book, out of the 66 books in Bible? when the children of Israel made their grave sin to worship the crafted calf, instead of the Living God, yes God was furious and they had to undergo 40yrs of wilderness around the Promised Land, before they can even step into the Promised Land. but did God give up on them? no, God's love for them is ever good and flowing - He even provided heavenly manna and water flowing out from rocks in the wilderness! He is Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord will provide!!
Psa 30:5
For His anger is but for a moment,His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
our God is Just and Merciful! as long as you repent and confess before Him, His mercy renews each day and His grace will enables you to be strong again to do His Will.. only repent, believe and trust, then you'll surely bear fruits in due season!
cant tell you what a short shock revelation i had at the end of the service.. i mean, hello, for the whole 2hrs i was trying to understand and apply the principles into my situation yet reaping no peace.. till this 'knock' on my head to stop thinking.. yes, with my mouth, i've been asking Him to help and direct, yet my mental hand was filling my cup with my own logic for the whole 2hrs.. i guess it kinda 'frustrate' Him too, so much so that He had to knock my hand away in order for Him to pour His Words into my cup.. honestly, i felt so silly.. felt like 'moron' in His Presence.. what was i thinking and tryng to do, seriously? but dwelling in His Presence, His Peace and Joy encompassed me.. it's better to be His co-pilot.. watching Him in command and seeing all the impossible becomes possible.. surely, this is no coincident that today's message in on book of Ruth.. He has prepared this message, not for me to decipher and slot into my situation, but to assure me that whatever happens, He will still be with me.. we will face it together, just like the last time..
God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me o'er
Your love has seen me thru all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar, I've writen my life
Tells of the story i have with You, my Lord
I want the world to know
God of my forever, and forever I'm with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever, and forever I will sing
My greatest honour will always be
To serve my Lord and King
Forever and ever, Jesus You alone, Your glory reigns
Forever and ever, with You i'll walk this narrow way
I love you Jesus!!! You are ever true and ever good God!! I don't want to be a passionate kisser, but a passionate cleaver onto You! Just as Ruth bcos of her loyalty and commitment, she clung onto Naomi , I will cling onto You!
Ruth 1: 16-17
Entreat me not to leave you, or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you go, I will go;
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me.
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