after past few months, i finally braced enough courage to log into facebook again.. guess what? the first update is minwei's update!! apparently, he really worked 'so hard' to complete his 'apple collection' - iphone4,ipad,and macpro. *what the hell!!* i read on and his wall had "Alex likes 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛， 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生"
i totally agree with the first part - 不要因為自己的一時寂寞，而去接愛一段不合適你的愛 but i cant help wondering if he's talking to me in the second part - 也不要因為一段不合適你的愛，而去寂寞一生. what is the definition of '不合適的愛' when rship should be a mutual discussion and agreement, rather than a one-sided SUDDEN decision? ok i'm not saying he's at fault but dont i have the right to make decision for 'our rship' too, be it 合適 or not 合適. entering a rship is mutual agreement yet dissolving it is not? what F! logic is this?!
if you've come to my point in life, perhaps 寂寞一生 is a good thing. afterall i still have lotsa good friends - unmarried/married around me. in fact, my psychiatrist (did i tell you he's A/Prof and a senior consultant, for my freaking case!?) told me this morning that he's not worried abt my health, cos he knows i'll do the right thing but his only worry is i might get burnt out by stress. he knows i've diverted my attention to my work, even to that extent of missing my counselling session with his 'good friend' recommended. *i told u i've been working long hours! simply no time~!!* like a father he is, he is right! i'm freaking BURNT OUT! hence i miss taiwan so badly now, so badly that i actually felt so freaking happy after buying the return airticket! i actually hugged angie next to me with such a smile on my face, exclaiming 'i'm finally going home!'. trust me, missing my taiwan life is my red-button stress signal. i cant imagine what the hell i will become if i dont go back while the siren is warning. i might just collapse n check in to mental hospital?
looking at his sentence, i have freaking mixed feelings now. i'm freaking wondering if he's thinking abt us, me or only himself? what the F! does he mean when he is 'a fan' of this sentence? though i know it is perfectly rationale (my psych will agree with that) but do u know how PAINFUL it is when such F! sudden decision of ONE PARTY was made (my psych will agree with that too!)? how come men are always the one who chicken out in commitment, yet we ladies are the loyal and faithful ones (my psych said this to me!!)? i know i'm one of those freaking silly faithful ones, but what the hell! why guys like to do this to us?! seriously, F! you! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! i've decided to be on long-term anti-depression medication, what the hell else do you want from me?!
maybe i should treat all you guys like how i told ian - F! off my life! yes, u read it correctly. i told my 16yrs special friend to get the hell out of my life. i'm just so fed up now-enough is enough! u people with penis out there, get the hell OUT of my life! i'm going back to my retreat place soon, and i F!ing serious that i dont want to consider any of you ever again! get the F! out of my life! cant i just have peace and love in my simple world? even if u r 'here to help' with my depression, thanks but no thanks! just get the F! hell away from me! i dare to tell ian this, and i will tell all of those freaking guys who might be thinking of going after me!! i dare to put my 16 treasured yrs of friendship to this, what else do i dare not lose to say to those guys?! DARE ME TO SAY THAT IN UR FACE, COS I WILL!!
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