someone adviced me today that it's 'better' to be selfish - be with someone who will stands by me and dotes on me, rather than waiting for someone who might stand by me. taking such a risk now is not favourable for my mental and emotions.. which i know she's right, in a sense.
but how to live with someone when my heart is dead? or expecting another miracle?? yes, i dont deny i still think of minwei, still miss him and even dreamt of him.. yet i also know i have to move on. no matter how 'hopeful' or shattered i am, i have to live on for the sake of.. i dont know. i dont dare to think beyond tmr.
i know guoqing dotes and cares a freaking BIG DEAL of me, insisting and persisting i'm the one for him.. but is he the one for me? i really dont dare to think. once i thought so, but it didnt happen. twice i thought i could trust and rely on the 'power of love', and twice it hurts me so much.. i really dont dare to think of settling down anymore, let alone being with someone who really loves..
in next 48hrs, i have a decision to make.. a decision of a lifetime. i wish i could be 'noble' and 'sacrifice' for love but am i ready for this big change? i used to believe in love, used to believe in loving someone whom i trust fully and totally.. i used to believe and hopeful in rship, to find a 'harbour' for my drifting boat *ok, maybe a yacht cos u people thinks i'm high-maintenance girl* whatever the belief i had, i am left with whatever-belief now.
maybe i may make the wrong decision, end up lonely and emotional unstable for rest of my life, but i know there'll always be my friends, very good friends and buddies around for me. maybe i may make the right decision, but will there really be happiness in stored for me? the one i love told me he needs time to think, told me our lifestyles are incompatible (i freaking object!); i'm telling the one who loves me i need time to think, telling him our lifestyles are incompatible (i really believe so!).. F! why am i in this F mess?!?
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