just came back from a joyous wedding dinner of Mr n Mrs John Lai. trust me, they are so fun-loving that the whole dinner was more of d&d.. u cant help but to love this couple - their openness, sportiness and totally friendliness from the heart. what used to be my most admirable - sword bearing march-in, is now replaced but their dance-in. of all the crazy weddings i've attended, this is the best proper-fun of all. no sabotage, no making a din.. just pure entertainment and surprises from the newly-wed. (can you believe - the bride played a song on saxophone as a surprise gift to bridegroom~!) all the secret efforts of training and perfecting~!! i really admire their love for each other.. really happy for them.
at the same time, while i was seated with my god-family.. i felt kinda weird. i didnt want to bring guoqing along but yet i cant leave him alone at home on wkends, right? on one hand, i was afraid that people might regard him as my bf; on another i'm trying hard to fight back the thoughts n 'wishes' that minwei was here with me, joining this fun celebration. i'm glad to be 'back' with my god-family.. even though i've 'left' the family for ages, i'm glad to see everyone again (even though i hardly know some~). all i felt was 'this is a family', the family who saw me thru my dark days n bright days...but somehow something in me just dont want them to see my current dim days. this bottomless faithless pit..
i dont know why but i ended up sharing bits of my anger with edison (an matured caring uncle in the rcia family). being the typical instrument of God, his words reminded me of how i used to trust God in bad times. yet, having totally faithfless and hardened, i guess i need more than 'counselling' to open up that Godly faith again. i know He has His plan, to not harm but to give me joy. but i just dont see any possibility of any lasting joy - not in the past, present or future. dont know what His plan are but .. i've given up on what He thinks.
23 feb 2011.. a date which seem to be beckoning me back to rcia. but will i?/ am i ready to open that door again?? have i grown so comfortable with my darkness that His light does not matter anymore? .. confession of a backslider. yes, i'm totally faithless now.. if God is Love, love hurts me to my very core of faith.
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