i looked forward to 10pm last night - the appointment time to chat w mw (we tried to end our chat by 11pm. since his return, he has been sick and unable to have a good rest cos of his work and i really hope he'll get more rest for recovery.) anyway, i was really looking forward to our chat.. until i saw his comments on my FB wall that gave me the first sign of uneasiness "up to you". what does that suppose to mean? when i told him about my decision on NOT going taiwan in April, he was still chirpy (though relectantly) about it. and all was only few hours ago, when i knocked off from work...
nevertheless, i waited for him to initiate msn chat (he usually does).. i saw him online in FB but yet there is no response in msn.. i wonder, i really wonder.. by right, he should be looking forward to chat too, but he was not even responding to my 'hello?' or 'u r ok?'.. my mind started to wonder if he that sick that he cant be online.. i know he has been coughing badly and feverish, has it taken a worsen turn? it's already 10.25pm.. i was really concerned.. to the extent i almost wanted to call him on his mobile. it was then that he finally responded to my msn.
it's compelling, confusing and hurt to chat w him.. the tension built up so fast that i knew and i knew he was angry..really angry and upset.. about me. what have i done? what has he read in my blog that upset him so much? he cant accept my past?? believe it or not, i felt so nervous and confused.. what happened? what have i done? why his attitude changed so drastically, afterall it's mere 4hrs since our last chat?
i didnt probe. i know he will tell me if he wants me to know, and i DO want to know. in the end, he finally opened his frustration.. as i half-suspected, he's upset with my decision of not going taiwan. *frankly i like the way he 'initiated' his explaination, i must say it was really tactful, rather than screaming/complaining straight to the point.* ok, so he started his explaination well, but u cannot imagine the hurt i felt when he concluded that he's of no significance to me, taking reference that i could travel to meet my taiwanese friends for a chat or meal, but yet i chose to cancel my april trip cos of him. that perspective really hurt me..
if u know me well enough, my confrontation to hurt is withdrawal. even though his words hurt, i decided to follow his assumption to undermine him even though it will hurt him more. i know he is really very sick and very weak (it's been a week), i can understand how much he'd like me to comfort him now.. i know he really looked forward to spend time with me in April in taiwan, i can sense his sincerity and eagerness.. but what can i do when it is going to be a LD rship? .. being logical, perhaps this was a good opportunity to pull down his hopes and concerns for me. it was really hurtful to agree with his 'conclusion' but i know what has to be done has to be done. i know he was behaving like a baby, saying words he does not mean in protest of my decision, but i .. i really cannot be around for him when he needs me. that is a fact. in the end, my long looked-foward chat ended in 5mins. i just cannot stand the way he was making such conclusion - it hurts. and i really didnt want to argue or quarrel with him - it will not help his recovery.
alone on my bed, i cried.. yes, u read it right. i cried. i dont even know why i cried. i just dont like him hurting himself with his own assumption, i really dont like him for not taking care of himself. yet, i also do have my reasons for not going taiwan (the key issue he was rattling on). i'm afraid. in a way, i know i'll enjoy spending time with him (he has always been caring for me, putting my interests before his); in another, i'm totally scared that this dating will develop into something exclusive..
i'm not saying exclusive rship is not good. but what's the point of starting when it will not last? look at him last night, he wanted my assurance and comfort in his sickness, yet we ended up in such an argument. how more hurtful will the future arguments be if we are in exclusive rship?! i'm scare.. really scare hence i rather forgot my trip. it's not about the coming strong storms in April (i used as my excuse) which i'm already used to it *storms really follow my travel plans closely*, it is really more of i'm scare to meet him even though i kinda want to see him again, to be with him..
like what my cousin said, i'm falling for him.. yes, i know i am.. i enjoy his chat, enjoy how well he actually know me - my feelings, my thoughts *he really surprised me* and i really enjoy 'feeling' his virtual presence beside me whenever we chat and i am getting into this 'hope' to have him around me in person.. i just know what he will say, how he will react to my replies... sigh.. i also know i'm not ready for the real thing, i have to help myself from falling deeper.. though it hurts now, it will worth it. it's better this way
No comments:
Post a Comment