why is it that i have to drag my feet to church, be it Mass or Service, every time i go? yet knowing very well the reward for my 'efforts' is always way greater than my reluctant attitude? seriously, who else can love me the way God does, except God Himself? i'm totally in awe of His Love and Patience to me..
background:
i had a long last night, having v-call with mw.. yes, it's the same mw whom i was supposed to 'avoid' esp i dread LD rship.. to be honest, i was kinda repelled when he was here, for we were together all the time (that really turn me OFF!) for that 7days..yet, now that he is back in taiwan, the attraction returns and i feel so 'pampered' and assured by him.. weird i know, that is why i concluded i'm not ready for rship..
anyway, while he was reading my depression blog *yes, i disclosed it to him* he also told me about his prospective job offer in singapore.. IN SINGAPORE.. cant tell you how that information used to freak me out *i didnt want him to relocate at all!*, but this time i was having this 'hmm,God, is he the one?' attitude.. he is really making effort to assure me of this rship, overcoming my fear of LD.. and, he even told me of his interest to know God *pls do NOT let me be his motive to love You, God*
ok, back to this morning..
cos of the v-call till 4am, i was freaking tired when i woke up at 9.30am.. how i wished i didnt stay that late but that was done anyway.. at strike of 10am, i was reminded it's been long time since i attended church service, or church mass.. at least 2weeks.. suddenly i just felt that i had to do something about it, esp with all the questions in my mind.. suddenly, i'm presented with 2 options - CHC service web broadcast at 10am or CTK celebration mass at 1130am. being lazy, i turned on my lappy for the web broadcast.. but somehow, even though they are singing one of my favourite worship songs, i just dont feel the peace to seek God in this manner. in the end, i managed to take a quick breakfast before going for CTK mass at 1130am..
frankly, i was really half-hearted even though i was already on my way towards CTK.. i know no one i know will be there (ie no fellowship); even if they are there, i will try to hide from their concerned questions of joining them consistently. with the battle in my mind, i still arrived in church, into the main hall, seated some distance away from the usual section. .."why am i here?" i didn't know, my mind was in a blank.. i knew i had to start a simple prayer, but my words were so airy and superficial that i can disgust at myself. God, am i here for show? nevertheless, i really tried my best to block off all the questions of why, and cast them onto the Lord.. He directed me here, He will know why i should be here..
pre-mass solitary reflection - order of celebration - homily - end of mass, everything went as i expected, EXCEPT i was not expecting Him to gave me such peace, assurance and even joy to my soul. i dont know about you people, but God always speaks to me when i least expect Him to, even in a normal mass process. He will use small little word(s) to pry open my heart, to nudge me as if He's testing if i'm still alive.. even though my spiritual walk is drier than desert (more of a blackhole now) He still wants to 'check' if i'm still breathing in Him. a simple Psalm 27 "One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life".. short and simple verse was what He used to spear His Light into this spiritual blackhole of mine.. and by now, you should have known God does not just stop there, He went further to bless me heart with a thanksgiving hymn "HE".. this is the first time i heard this hymn and i'm totally captivated by it. my Lord forgives, He really does.. tears in my eyes when i received His blessings on where i stood.. all the questions and all the skepticism simply left me. alone, i stand in awe of His Great Love... how refreshing is His Fountain of Living Waters! i love You, Jesus~ You have never let me go!! *i will try to get my prayer life back, bcos of You!*
"HE"
He can turn the tides and calm the angry sea
He alone decides who writes a symphony
He lights ev'ry star that makes the darkness bright
He keeps watch all through each long and lonely night
He still finds the time to hear a child's first prayer
Saint or sinner calls and always finds him there
Though it makes him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say "I forgive"
He can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold
He knows every lie that you and I have told
Though it makes him sad to see the way we live
He'll always say "I forgive"
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