"take a step back ... and see what u have been doing.. u will know what to do", "u haven't really think it thru then u commit deep deep", "that is why u always kanna hurt deep deep. so this time round take your time. enjoy..", "take a step back n feel what u should do. your own instinct will never be wrong"
- words of wisdom and true concern from my dear old buddy *i am really very touched by his advice*
with everyone asking me how or what was my rship with mw and Mr I, all i can say is i'm VERY VERY VERY vexed.. to the extent that I really wish i could scream for everyone everything to stop! if you had seen mw, u will know he is really very sincere despite our distance, language and culture; on another hand mr I with whom i'm more comfy has security/trust issue which i'm totally skeptical despite his improvement efforts.. having been a 'player' in this rship game, i know i could leave them hanging around as my options, but having been a 'victim' too, i also know the hurt and pain they could be in if i'm not careful.. the worst part - i know i have not been careful past days..
being the J in me, i have this tendency to be close with guys.. totally comfortable without any guard, even to the extend of 'sending wrong signals' often *trust me, this is very common for me* ... hence i cant rebuke my buddy's words, cos i know it's true.. if i keep 'enjoy being myself', i'd just keep sending the wrong signals.. i have to learn to take a step back (esp mw has returned to taiwan this morning).. take a break to myself, be with myself.. the only person i can enjoy being myself with is myself, without worrying that i'll send wrong signals to myself.. hopefully, i will be able to see what went wrong and help myself.. no one can tell me how to behave and when to behave.. even though i have no intention of misleading, i should not be so reckless and insensitive..
i know, i know all these rules and principles of this game - no excuse that i could hurt anyone just cos i'm being myself.. i know i know i should not be irresponsible even though i have no intention.. something has to be done, something which i have to do for time being.. for the better of 3 of us.
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