ok i wanted to blog this as my 'kickstart of birthday celebration' with how i've been eating all day and received my 1st gift! *totally happy happy w my extra hp battery!* but.. within 5mins of msn, everything changed..
i really dunno what came over me.. but i started to clarify with guy#1 (despite his 'bad' day from macau casino) that he should not be 'reporting' to me cos i'm just his normal friend.. i just dont want to hurt him in future.. ok, i know that is not the best timing tell him that, but i really dont want to carry on inflating this good vibes between us (check out his comments on my FB activities these days, they're so explicit and straightforward~) i made really clear that i'm so... not ready.., esp for a long distance rship.. i also confessed of my attraction to him, explained abt my 'stupidness' in respond to his approaches to know me better cos of my past bad experiences.. *and a whole hell lot of stuff which i should have kept my hands still from typing~!* all in all, i made his eyes watery + a blocked nose, and drew a clear line of our friendship..
i must say i'm touched.. and really appreciative that he understands where i'm coming from (and at).. and he also wants to take it slow, until we know each other better and "after the long distance rship concern is fixed" *obviously i do not share his optimism*.. how he 'felt the pain' of my bad rships etc... all in all, i have no regrets being so bold and clear to him (even though i do feel bad abt watering his eyes).. so till anything progressive can happen, we agreed to stay at current status - friends. *oh, btw, i told him abt this blog..but not its address*
just when i tot i can concentrate on 1 chat window on this sensitive topic, a msn from mr I came in that he cannot sleep.. he has been thinking abt this qn 'tell me. why do people love when they know its not posible?" *trust me, i freaking KNEW where this qn was leading to*..pretending blur - the more i probed on his insomnia, the more i'm leading myself into deep shit when i got this reply "yes this irritating guy love u 2".. i cant tell how deep shit i am in now!! if only he treasured me then...
anyway, i put up my defensive argument with him on the definition of love (his and mine) and differentiation of his lust and his love.. his reply on love definition would really have melt my heart in the past -"its when u know the person is the one u want to see eveyday and talk to", but now my hardened response is "i dont trust guys nowadays until this problem is challenged and proven wrong, i'm not going to think too much into such matters" *which is also my firm stand for both guy#1 too! i'm being fair,ok!!* yet the qn lingered in his mind so much that i had to nag at him to sleep~ oh, btw he was also apologetic that he had been greedy (some of u know what it means~)..
seriously, if this is the start of my birthday blessings from God, i'd prefer the clarity with guy#1 over mr I's sudden confession.. goodness!! i'm meeting him on my bday for dinner (he initiated this date last week and i chose to regard it lightly~) quick, pray for a wise choice of words and smart move to go out on this date gracefully, yet not compromising on my stand till mutual trust is earned for rship. *suddenly i think it's a silly decision to accept date from your ex-bf, even though he has a good reason to celebrate for u*
stupid J, u better start praying for wisdom to handle 2 such sensitive cases!!
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