5 Feb 10 - when will it burst?

seriously i dont know how to start this entry.. all i know i've to download my thoughts before they drive me crazy..

i truly enjoyed every chat i had with mw (guy#1), even though they always last till WEE HOURS with min of 2hrs duration *i pity the company for the high IDD cost as his 'employee welfare'*.. last night's conversation was 3hrs, we chatted about his work *he's actually quite a good caring leader (in theory :P)*, his singapore itineray *u wont believe how impossibly ego he was when he addressed me to be his 'wife'*, his childhood *i nearly died from laughing cos he won 3rd prize in singing competition!*, my past rship, my childhood and then ended off with my prospective job in taiwan.. yes, i know it sounds like teenager rship, esp with his forever-cheekiness + egoistic confidence as provocative challenges for my defensive attempts to put him in his place.. yet, behind every teasing and nagging, i could really feel his care and love (if i may use that word), as if he's standing just next to me as we exchanged views.. honestly, he's such a silly cute guy when he emits that vibes..

am i opening myself to him? .. i'm not sure.. all i know is i was so close, on the verge of pasting my blog link to our chat window, so he can know more about me n my depression days.. i was really ON THE VERGE, before i harden my heart on decision to 'wait n see'.. will he be able to manage the truth, the whole package?? will he be the one? what if he is the one? u people know how many concerns i have for long distance rship; how insecure and challenging it will.. i dont want to admit but yes - i'm afraid of losing my independence too.. but have i really been that independent? mw likes to comment that my words are just camouflage against my true heartfelt words (as though he knows me that well!).. but is it true?

i know it's silly but i look forward to chat w him every lunch hr cos i know he'll come online to 'check on me' and every night the same - be it msn or phone.. seeing him online brings such warmth to my heart.. yet i'm skeptical about this feeling. how long will it last? even though this is stronger than that for Al, but how virtual is this bubble.. when will it burst?

... to add spice of complexity, that mr I is also acting weird these days - sudden online kiss and a no-reason afternoon break (even though i'm on abstention for caffine due to my cough).. gosh~! how i wish i can sleep now - no need to think about anybody..