not a gd morning for i'm having this emotional tension n physical panting since the moment i woke up.. and of course, i lazed on my bed for 2hrs before i really get up.. hey, dun envious - i was fighting a bad cold from 3am-5.30am, hence i'm super tired when i woke at 9am..was dragged to lunch with my father, despite the hard pounding of heart and weak body.. trust me, even i was surprised to see how frail and pale i am this morning.. even now at 1pm,my lips are still whitish pale..
anyway, in this state today, i cancelled an interview but trying to rest well for a fun profiling later, before meeting gwen for dinner. fun profiling = a nice way of match-making.. yes, i'm allowing myself to go thru this nonsense later.. but for sure, i'm not going to join their membership till i'm emotionally stable.. just an excuse to drag myself out of house later..
ok, let's see what's wrong.. last night i cant sleep, having another mild nervous attack.. i thought of my HKG trip this weekend - what's to bring etc (esp i'm travelling VERY LIGHT); thought of someone (in the end i decided to sms him); thought of my employment which i've not seen the contract; thought of my finances.. all in all, it's able to trigger a mild nervous attack.. i simply cant sleep no matter how tired and watery my eyes were.. even when my sleep pacer - hugo is snoring loud besides me, i just cant sleep.. then the next thing i know is i'm fighting a serious bad cold at 3am.. sigh..
what shall i do? one moment i seem to be in control, another day i'm having this mild attack (which could be worse if not for my suppression).. i'm like a stretching rubberband, just dunno when i'd be snapped off.. just trying to hold onto as much sanity as i can now..
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before i rattle off abt myself, i really want to tell you how my father loves me~! i told u that he sacrificed his hard-earn money for my bills, and today after knowing i'm going HKG trip over this weekend, he pushed another few hundreds to me again, insisting that 'you're not working how to have money to eat dim sum'.. yes, behind the ugly truth that i'm near broke, but it's the love from his little egoistic acts that touches my heart.. really, he may not the most approachable or sociable father but his love is beyond his willingness to sacrifice.. i thank God for putting me in his fatherly care, into this family!
ok now, back to myself.. when i came back, my mum was eager to know what's the outcome of the fun profiling (ie match-making).. to be honest, i went with a pure reason to drag myself out, even knowing it'll be very futile.. and true enough, even the consultant was teasing and suggesting why didn't i consider taiwanese guys since i used to work in taiwan (of course i didn't disclose further details) and my reply was to enlarge my circle of friends here in singapore.. gosh, why is everyone telling me to consider taiwanese guys? didn't they know it's very hard to maintain long-distance relationship? ..anyway, in the end, the consultant could match me to no one as my preference is really very focused :P
anyway, i'm also learning to let loose of time.. i used to grip on time management; plan my work and life with such precision and schedule.. and now i've decided to take a week at a time (see, i'm improving from a day at a time).. dun ask me anything further than this week - i dun wan to have another anxiety attack. a week at a time, each day to enjoy. this will be my motto from now on, till i'm able to cope with more challenges.. meanwhile,J,take ur time to recover from depression :)
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