i was in a comfortable setting with B.. before i braced up my encourage to ask 'how're u and her?'.. his reply was as calm as he was when he last came to my house to apologise to my parents.. such expression with no feeling.. he even told me he's proposed to her and i pressed in further, knowing it wont get me anywhere, 'how abt with me?'.. he explained he felt suppressed, inferior when he's with me.. i jumped 'how's so?'.. 'maybe bcos i'm comparing with the others where they are so cared for'.. the pain stabbed my heart, i began to cry (in my dream).. 'have i not been caring for u? i didnt ask u for more and give u all the freedom to be yourself'..'i know but it works both ways'..'ya, BOTH WAYS and how abt u?'.. he's speechless.. in my raging tears, even though knowing he's already engaged, i just wanted to hear from him.. 'is this ur way of loving me for hurting me this much?'.. silence and he turned away.. i was so enraged that things appeared and i grabbed and threw at him.. trust me, it hurts me everytime the items hit him so i stopped.. decided to end it, i whispered the words in his face and i woke up..
what a bad dream! not nightmare, just bad bad dream!! i was on the verge of slipping into depression with the pain prolonged from the dream, so much so that i quickly popped my prozac in. why.. why am i having this dream..it's like someone is opening up sealed chest of memories with B.. some people say dreams reveal the deepest secret, does it mean i've not 'closed the case'? and by having this dream and closing it like that, does it mean i'm closing it? gosh, the pain of 'revisiting' is still in my heart (i'm trying to ease it within) omg, this is really a bad bad bad dream! and i really hope i've closed the case now and no more revisit~!
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i really thank God for my father~ esp thru this depression, he is the most understanding and supportive for my rest.. when he knows i'm stressed for money, for new work, he could even suggested sponsoring my driving lessons so i can apply to be taxi-driver!! imagine me as a cab driver!!! his intention was really good - cos cab driver works on his own time, hence less stress than management corporate level.. well, i know he really meant well and i really thanked him for his suggestion, but i'm just not a car-driving person..
anyway that's how thoughtful he is, not to mention he'll always make it a point to deliver or bring me out for lunch every weekdays.. as much as i really have no appetite and didn't want to get out of house, i just had to cos his patience and love behind these naggings that i should eat~ and did i mentioned he's concerned on my monthly bills payments that he shoved few hundreds to me so i can pay off the bills.. i mean, few hundreds! ok, for those of u working, few hundreds is small amount but for a cab driver, even one hundred bucks is huge cos it'll require one whole day of hard work to pay cab rental ($100 per day)+high cost of fuel(imagine the high consumption for all the distance)+carpark charges+daily meals+possible 'income' to survive! let alone my dad's memory is really so bad now so he cant really drive far, not even to town - those buildings and directions confuse him.. all in all, it's really hard for him now to earn enough to pay for his daily rental and fuel charges, let alone having balance to pay for my bills..
i really thank God for my father. he may not be the easiest-to-please or even 'friendly' father, but he's always there for me, always dependable (package inclusive of his naggings n ego).. in his subtle ways of love, he dotes on me more than my sisters.. trust me, i could never have been so close to him or even been patient to listen him if not for my depression periods.. thru this depressing periods, it is his gentle love which surpasses the love from other family members.. i guess this is what people describe as 'still water runs deep'..it's not the normal times he shines, but in extraordinary situations~ i love you, father, though i still dun have the courage to say that in person.
Matt 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
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