rumination is creepy.. for days i've managed to block this co-partner of depression, but in the background of classical music, lazing on bed, staring at my white ceiling and lime-green walls, it just crept back into my mind.. first i started to think about minor things like 'it's time to wake up','what am i doing today','why i cant sleep last night' before it span off into greater issues 'friendship','work','depression' etc and into greater details.. my heart started to feel the stress.. that's why i identify this menacing foe - rumination. in the end i woke up with such heavy heart, all thanks to this stupid creep.
i'm going to have an official employment this monday.. wonder if i can take it before i lose it.. wonder how is the workload esp i'm working alone in singapore.. wonder if i could work happily with my boss (he was so stern during the interview)..
i'm going to HKG this weekend.. wonder will i be able to walk around alone, enjoying myself or staying in hotel room all day.. wonder if i'm able to enjoy the 'lost' feeling if i get lost.. wonder if i can withstand the cold (below 23C).. wonder will i die there.. should i get travel insurance for a 2D1N trip..
i'm still unable to start my morning exercise and i'm starting work soon.. wonder if starting employment now is good for me.. wonder if i'll ever be disciplined enough to get up for morning jog (i need to expose to dawn to adjust my bioclock).. wonder if i'd ever get out of depression, despite knowing and doing all the changes to lifestyle..
my old friend's issue.. wonder if it's true (i still choose to give him benefit of doubt).. wonder what's in his mind now.. wonder what's he doing.. what's the real situation.. will i be able to trust him as i do now.. will i be able to cope with disappointment if it's true..
....etc etc etc
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time check 1.50pm, abt 4hrs after i've gotten out of bed.. but my heart rate is amazingly irregular fast, that i have to place my hand over to ensure it's not popping out.. took my daily pills and vits but not really working.. watched my favourite sci-fi programmes but it's not calming down..
the rain stopped,it's cool outside.. thinking of going for a walk later (if i can get out).. somehow i know this heart rate has to slow down, i have to stop putting pressure on myself (the power of invisible stress), somehow i know blogging helps me to download this stress (it's starting to work now).. gosh, what if i've started working and i cant blog to download... will i die of overloading myself with this invisible pressure? gosh, where else can i download...
i seem not to be enjoying what i used to enjoy.. classical music makes me ponder and sleepy (i've been oversleeping - another extreme of depression), watching sci-fi provides no reality escape, even walking on the street makes me guilty for roaming around.. it seems like the best place to be is on my bed, in front of my laptop..blogging with my hugo snoring besides me..
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