what do u do when u dont feel like going home? this is what i've been feeling for past days..
i just want to be alone, be with good old friends who understand me and my situation.. be a listener to all their stories (and consolation?).. be a workaholic or whatever, just as long as i am not home..
ok i know i have the luxury of my own room, with hugo, keep myself cosy with a book on bed.. but besides the parameters of my 100x190 cm, i just dont feel 'home' at all. i know everyone cares, but most dont understand. i know if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, but i do not have the faith to 'discuss' it with God now. the mornings are still my nightmares, i dont even know if He hears my prayers. how to pray when it hurt that much (2nd round!)?
u know what i'd like to do now? just as someone who has suddenly withdrawn himself, i also want to withdraw myself fr everyone. not a wise choice for depression, but what the heck. as long as you people have a room w a bed for me, i m willing to rent it. serious. i even thought of renting the spare room from a good friend (she'll think i'm crazy). but living by urself is not a bad idea, esp now, afterall we do have to die alone someday somehow.
in times like this, i used to take a month off taking refuge in taiwan. i know, it's not a gd idea now, at least for my current situation. but i really feel like vanishing from this earth for a period, for a loong period. oh btw, i was offered a job in taiwan again today. the supposedly happy news hurts like hell, with me fighting the tears n heartache, i turned it down anyway. taiwan.. perhaps it's best to keep it simple as my personal retreat country than to complicate it with rship or work. i know i can apply a mth's leave to retreat in taiwan, but will it help? think of the emails i've to answer after 1mth's break.. hell.
for now, i m just gald i ve special friend who is always here when i need a shoulder to cry on. just glad i ve my pills to help my hellish mornings. just glad i m on my bed now with my special blog. my world has become smaller but i know i will get used to it.
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