what used to be exciting, joyous place is now making my every step draggy and hurting. i know i just had ian's assurance but it's nothing like minwei's..
i miss my darling. walking thru T1 again, reminds me how we said and teared our goodbyes here at this boarding gate.. it hurts, it just hurts.. i wish i can wipe away his tears again, calling him 'silly boy, we'll meet again'..
darling, where are you? lina said you might still be in taiwan now but i dont dare to verify. i'd rather trust you to be where you said you'd be, returning in mid-sept. i dont have the courage to face any possibility of bad situation now, esp i'll be alone in taiwan. i'd rather trust you, even now.
i couldn't sleep last night, yet the heartache still wake me soberly up at 4am. it just hurts, the missing, the pain. most people told me not to go but being the 'brave' j, i choose to return to my refuge place. i dont know if it's going to be healing this time, but i thank God for all the friends whom i know will be waiting for my arrival. painful - yes, but i know i have to go thru this.
i am onboard flight now. full of exciting passengers but i wonder if there's another broken heart like me, seeking refuge in taiwan. though my head is spinning and drowsy, but i really wish i can see my darling at the airport. he'll share his bubble tea with me again.
strapped in the middle seat, i cant cry though my cap is enough to cover my face. please, pill, do your part, do your work and make me sleep now. protect my heart from the pain when i wake up later.
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i woke up after 2hrs sleep (i finally can sleep on flight!) another 2hrs more to go, i have been fidgeting and giving low groans of pain.. heart pain..
i really dont know how i will get thru the next few days, but i know i have to buy a lot of instant noodles and sun biscuits.. all in my colleagues' efforts to 'get me out of my room' - my initiate (still is) intention for the whole stay.
darling i miss you. i know you really love me, wanting to provide for me. but all i ever want is to spend my life with you, going thru thick and thin with you. i really dont know (dont dare to know) what is on your mind now. but i pray God has mercy on me, on us. He who brought us together, will show us a way back together again. i love you, i still do.
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moment of touch-down, the friction between the runway and wheels.. in that instant i really felt comforted and pain. comforted cos i managed to return to this ground, this familiar ground alone; pain cos i really miss my darling, minwei. after 3sec of comfort, the pain was totally unbearable. it hurts all the way from the gate to immigration customs. all the way, pple ard me must be thinking i'm having a heartattack cos it's so painful that i have to hold my hand on my chest to ease the pain. it just hurts so much.. God, how can You be so cruel..
i kept walking. painful as it is, i know i have taken the first step out, and i just have to keep walking.. trust me, it hurt more than i can say here, esp when i came out into the arrival hall, the welcome area. i really miss my darling.. it just hurts so much! i know i have to keep walking, afterall i know where and how to get my bus ticket to taipei city.. like a auto-zombie, i just went thru the motion of buying,waiting and boarding the bus. i just have to keep walking..
12.40pm bus. how i wish it could speed up. i just want to be in my room now. familiar highway but totally different feeling. will i be able to 'disconnect' my affinity with taiwan? can i not return to this 'refuge' place again? will i be able to recover from this trip?
the pill is working well - it's numbing the pain. but can it also remove the memories too? someone, please.. i just want to be better. and i only have 4 days to achieve that.. 4 days from now..
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