24 Aug 10 - i know You are at work, but where are You?

believe it or not, someone sent me this video clip.. on how sammi cheng overcome her 3yrs depression.
信者得愛~鄭秀文

i really feel for her - the agonising morning, painful day and calming night. how perfectionist i was..how hard is the struggle against depression, against fear.. she has a voice telling her to pray to God, she obeyed and God gave her strength to overcome. yes, that process, that brokenness i feel every every bit of it.. how i tried to be strong to overcome past 2yrs, through RCIA.

but God, what do You want to say to me now? u know i'm totally shattered now, totally faithless now. why put me through this pain again? as if the previous 2yrs is not enough to kill me, this time You want to kill my faith too? do i need to 'return' to this monster within months of recovery? what are You trying to show me this time? must it be this (more) painful? i know You are trying to restore my faith, but God.. i am scare. i know You'll give me strength to overcome, to pray.. but when i pray, do You answer?

but i still thank You for all the special friends around me, their patience and love in my faithless walk. i just dont have the faith as before to walk out..if You are still surround me, You really have to put in more restoration to this thing called 'love' ... love hurts.. really hurts to the core of my bones.. have mercy on me..