today is really not my day.. usually i'll be calmer and normal in the afternoons, but my chest is still so tight even at 3.30pm~ yes, i took my morning medication, daily multivitamins and even the cod-oil syrup.. but i'm still listless and breatheless as this morning.
i'm supposed to meet my friend for lunch - another initiative of mine to help myself get out of the house.. but it started to rain and .. it seems it's 'better' for me to stay at home.. took a nap (now i've to worry what if i cant sleep tonight).. getting worried abt my future job.. the stress of unemployment is really getting to me, esp i'm the only one who is not contributing now, not even doing housechores.. trust me, as much as my parents understand, accept and comfort me in this condition, but i cant help feeling the 'disapproval' from my 2 sisters who think depression is only a 'mind' thing.. wonder why i'm so useless..
to be frank, thought of dying crossed my mind again n again today.. even though i was chatting on msn with couple of friends, but the thought of 'useless' and 'dying' is constantly floating at the back of my head (that's another reason why i think staying at home is safe for me).. i really want this depression to leave, but i really dont know how.. and i wonder how will i die... i know being anxious now does not help, but it's part and parcel of my condition.. wonder when will this end..
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received a sudden news - my buddy's dad passed on.. it's all really very sudden.. and very soon. i remember i attended his late mum's wake only last yr? also during my depression perod.. cos i had to drag myself out for the great friend... and now.. gosh, i know i've to drag myself out, to leave house.. but this reason is really too affecting.. and the whole family is going for the wake later~ (i better control myself, lest my parents will worry)
had a good chat with eirene too. kinda weird to have her chatting over the book of Job (last week's sermon which i missed cos i cant step out)..honestly, i kinda lost the spirit of Job now.. totally don't know how to hear from God now..
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back from the wake.. cant help feeling life is indeed so fragile - anything can happen.. cant help feeling i need to treasure more of my time with my parents.. though they are around me now, they may not be around ..
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