21 Sep 10 - poor angie and now me

can i tell u people that i'm totally stressed up and f** up today? stressed cos angie is away and today is singapore's payroll closing, so damn lot of 'last-minute' payroll enquiry and adjustments, on top of what i have to do - offboard and onboard freaking people in oct! that also told me how busy angie had been - totally no time to organise her cases! they're simply too much and too many! it's insane how she survived the 3yrs! anyway, with my current condition, i really lost my concentration! so many things to do, so many reports to run and enquiries to answer! wtf!

in the end, obviously my work quality was affected - too obvious not to be missed. how can i overlooked such simple small details!! i really upset with myself! i dont blame my boss for his stern 'advice' but i am simply totally upset with MYSELF! how can i make such idiot mistake! i'm so upset that i had to call it a day, though i still have piles of cases on my table.

i'm so upset that i just had to talk to someone, someone who cares.. i called guoqing. and you know what? that guy!! that guy was having great feast on typhoon mid-autumn day!! wtf! he can even tell me where his location is (i knew that place!) and gosh, i really do miss those days of 'freedom' and carefree times.. feeling the pacific sea breeze on the cliff, and it'll sure make me feel like jumping down the cliff. anyway, i really miss those days in taiwan, my 2nd home.

he brought up his 'retreat proposal' again.. if i am not holding onto my last strain of sanity and calmness then, i'd have jump into that plan! it's just so tempting when i'm freaking TIRED of fighting this depression, this panic attacks! i'm just so tired of wearing masks, fighting the hell of me to concentration.. in fact, the only one thing i look forward to now is my hugging rounds - i really went around hugging all my colleagues from 4th,21st and 31st floors. (btw, i made another 2 daily hugging partners.)

sigh.. godma told me to take my time to recover, but do i have the time? .. i just want to lead a simple normal life! i'm not prophet, can i have a easier cross to bear?