well, i dragged myself to CTK today. though i missed the Mass, but i was interrogating God in AR for hours. so much so i really doubt His plan for me - i really dont want to go thru this depression again! no one knows the pain, the hurt and the uncontrollable panic that suddenly grips you so tight, u just cant relax against it. only myself, my tears knows the struggle, the pain and the sickening panic attacks. depression is really not 'a mind thingy' but it's really a illness.. a disease which only its victim will know how horrible and powerful is it. each attack seems to be stronger than previous.. my defence is really getting weaker..
anyway, i really challenged God, interrogate Him for why do i have to go thru this again. for once in my yrs of Christian life, i really doubt if God loves me, so scared of Him, of His Plan for me.. it's He who created me, yet doesnt He know this is testing, stretching my capability to manage? and why me? i m really not as strong as He thinks i am.. if i have to go thru depression again, i might as well just die.
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