08 Sep 10 - i hit my boss..it's a reaction.

ok, i try to be positive again today..

i thank God that i'm having less shivers and panic attacks today.. or rather, i just took a longer time in washroom before i face the world. now i understand why female toilets are always so crowded.. washroom can really be so comforting..

my director giggled so loudly when i told him it's over between the taiwanese bf and me.. my instant reaction? - hit him on his back with my papers on hand.. of course, i told him off for being so mean, but he explained his giggles bcos he pitied the guy.. my darling.. pity him? of course, he does not know my condition, but he was sure apologetic when i told him it's a painful process. still, i cant helped being amused by him. he's such a fun boss. he suddenly asked me abt my long distance rship, and trust me, he really cares! but i guess he's kinda surprised by my reaction too, imagine hitting him with my documents on hand~ that's how spontaneous i was. anyway, i'm just amused by his explaination..

i know a lot of you people care for me, esp the 2 libras. but guoqing is right- this is a bridge i must cross on my own. how? i freaking hell dont know, that's why i'm seeing a psychiatrist. i really hope i can get rid of this depression once n for all, for myself for him.. trust me, i'm concentrating all my energy to fight this horrible depression and panic attacks that i've not been missing badly for my darling.. except mornings. this freaking depression is really draining all my energy.. all i want to do now is to get rid of it! i dont want a 3rd round!!! i'd rather to be on long-term medication or hit by car and in coma than to go thru this again! i feel so tired even when i'm at my 'beloved' work.. i have to be on guard against panic attacks all the time..

anyway, i said i'll be positive.. so, can someone help me thru this long wkends? eirene told me to return to church.. but.. ok, going AR is fine, but returning to Mass/service.. why in the first place God planned all these? just as i've recovered after 2yrs, He purposely planned all these for me to go thru again! how can i trust Him... i know i should, but seriously, how can i trust Him again.. how can i trust anyone again?! if He loves me, why lead me to this monster again? what am i supposed to learn this time? DO NOT TRUST ANYONE AT ALL? well, God, u get this pt across loud and clear now, i get it, ok!!