decided to spend this day in my room. yes people, i know you'll protest but i really need this space on my own. i need this time to be on my own.. that's what retreat is for, right?
i still miss minwei, but will he miss me? i'm trying to fight against my depression, but will he care? i really dont need him to be around me, cos depression is my own battle, no one can fight for me against this monster. but i do need to know if he still loves me.
i have been wondering if i'm 'high-maintenance'.. when i told kai ytd on how i budget my money, my limit on my grooming and clothing, he was so shocked. it is actually very simple and LOW-COST! yes, i really do live a simple lifestyle. but he exclaimed and explained perhaps it's the way i carry myself that give such clothing an expensive impression. i just look a bit high-maintenance and fashionable.. someetimes, i really do not need kai to be so honest~
anyway, am i? do i?? i'm an aquarius, a typical aquarius with sharp sense of fashion in my own style. it's just me. i dont like branded stuff, i dont like anything costing more than S$30. yes, i am serious. nothing on me from head to toe, which will cost more than S$30.. NOTHING!
i start to ponder whatever give people this impression.. cos i do keep myself informed of all the branded trends? this is so absurd! keeping myself informed is my way of socialising. you might not believe but most of my friends are into this branded thingy. so, in order to maintain common topic and friendship, i have to keep myself informed of all the latest trends and release of branded goods.
darling, i dont know if you feel stress like them, but i really have to confess i have a very simple lifestyle. ok, my hugo may look like a 'rich' dog, cos he's getting fatter and more and more pampered, but that's bcos i saved everything for him. my hugo, my son. i promise him one thing - i may not be rich to give him luxury life, but i promise he'll be the most loved dog in the world. that is my promise to him. that's why he's so pampered. that is how i love him - my all. silly? naive?? yes - i agree but i cant help myself.
kai told me to be rationale in rship. but am i not rationale enough? i though thru all tiny details before starting a rship, before committing into a rship. through all the considerations and precaution, why am i still getting hurt? rationality helps?? i dont think so.
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one thing i enjoy travelling alone is i can really stay all day in my room. and actually i'm glad i did cos today was twin typhoon day. it's raining heavily outside for the whole day.. i am just contented to be in my room, sleeping, reading, writing and sleeping all day.. when i write and sleep, the pain seems to be better.. ok, for all of you who are concerned for my diet, yes i did eat.. not a lot though, but at least i ate my dinner just now.
the only social thing i had was a long chat with guoqing. he's more merciful than kai. knowing it's my own battle to walk out, though he cant be ard for me, but chatting with him always calm me down. or perhaps it's bcos of all the layers of salt kai has rubbed onto my wound, his comforting words just came handy as sweet to bitter medicine.
i know everyone cares, everyone loves me, cheering me on to be happier, to be out of depression. but the only concern message i really hope for is from minwei. i know i have to leave him alone, give him some time to think but i really miss him.. i will wait for you, darling.
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latest news update! there're now 3 typhoons around taiwan! newly developed above taiwan is 南修 typhoon. dont blame me - i just attract typhoons to wherever i go, esp taiwan. i dont understand it either. for years, it has been so.. maybe God knows i love strong winds and storms hence He is sending 3 of them to cheer me up? both land and sea alarm will be activated soon at 2330hrs. am i supposed to be happier now, cos of my gift?
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back to my chat with guoqing, i really appreciate how much he cares for me despite his busy schedule. he's stubbornly caring, and i really appreciate it. i also hope things will be better, i also hope i can walk out of this depression. i know there are many people still care and love me, but this time i really have no energy to fight this battle. i dont understand who can be regard rship as transaction? as a trial? but i will still keep on fighting this battle for recovery. i did it before, i can do it again.
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