back to reality for 2days, in fact 3days now.. cant say i'm better but i'm still surviving..
ytd had a panic attack (you get it often when u r in depression).. i was shivering with fear for the whole day, hid in the toilet for the record time i've ever visited washroom during office hrs. but somehow i managed to work, managed to function well to my internal clients and my colleagues.
today when i told angie about my panic attack ytd, she was shocked cos i really camouflaged well, so well that not to cause them any worry. i am really thankful for my team. my director told me before though i've only been few months with them, but i seem to be a regular 'old-bird' with the team. i take that as compliment, i think it's God's planning again... perhaps knowing well that i'm get depression attack (soon), He gave me this job just like He gave me the job in SAP. very supportive team, with great manager and director. you really cant blame me for being workaholic cos every job i had God just laid them onto my laps after first interview (with prayers,of course), including the do-nothing job in raffles place office.. and i really enjoy working. i seldom have to look around for second job option - usually first interview offer *proud of it*
yes i enjoy my work, even though i dont understand why HR in other companies can be so easy-life, yet mine is always so 'hard-labour'. but yes, i do enjoy my hard-labour job. not to mention i always have a great team supporting me - in work and in personal. the only 'guaranteed' promise God has given me is favour of my boss. every boss of me trusts me completely to do my work, leaving me a lot of freedom and space to exercise my functionality. perhaps they know i'm workaholic...
but coming back to ytd, it was horrible. i had to fight internal war against panic and fear and stop myself from shivering and crying, yet i have to be professional to handle my employees' inquiries and requests. this is one war which i failed badly in my previous attack. i was simply immobilised - going to office at 9am,leaving at 5pm without doing anything but facebook. serious, that was how i 'worked' for 1mth before i decided it's not contributing to company, hence i took a short resignation break. so, can i say it's an achievement this time?
but trust me, though hiding in the exclusive executive washroom is cosy n comforting,but it's not fun. one can just died of fear inside,without anyone knowing. i had to drag myself out after every hiding and crying. i have never felt the assurance from washroom till now. how i wish i can work from washroom. that 12hrs office hrs (yes, i worked late again) was really hard to survive but i did. at least i managed to clear my 3days' emails (it's horror!) and stay on top of issues now.
so, i made a decision today. i decided to go for professional help. yes, specialist for my condition will cost quite a bit. then again, i thank God cos my current company's medical and insurance benefits is one of the best in its field (perhaps that is why God gave me this job). i really want to get this depression monster out of me, i dont want to be burden for anyone, esp my darling. i dont want to be a emotional time-bomb. trust me, depression is a disease which i pray will stay clear from every one of you. even the word 'depression' is not justifying - it's so much more horrible than being depressed. it's a time-bomb, panic attack can pounce on you anytime anywhere. it's a 24x7 battle.
how i miss my normal living life in taiwan.. how i wish i really can just migrate there, to live like the locals with good friends around me. i miss taiwan..
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