i am in airport now, and hell i had to walk thru the 'memory lane' of shuttle train between T1 and T2! fated? what the FREAK! allow me to swear here, i freaking hate this feeling! i remembered how exhilarated i was at the internet kiosk when i read the email offer for my current job. i was so elated to share with him. oh God, it hurts like hell now.. FREAK!
quietly seated in this corner of meeting area, i find myself wondering if i'm strong as i hope, as strong as you people 'know' me to be, hope me to be. well, at least i had the courage to return to taiwan. this was scary for me, so scary that ian had to assure me that everything will be alright for my trip. that was 4 days ago. i really thank all of you for your love and concerns, perhaps even prayers.
the past 4 days were roller-coaster ride, thru pain, missing, panic, fear, tears, laughter and calmness. it's one hell of a ride, but i guess it helps. at least i know there are people who still cares for me despite distance. cant say they are best friends in need, but hey sure offer honest hurtful help. hurts the hell of me!
ok, back to the qns - will i recover? yes i will. will i accept that my darling has changed? to be very honest, no. yes i know i'm stubborn and i know people do change. but it's still hard to accept that my darling might have changed. i'd rather stay in the shadows of hope, waiting for him to face our reality with me. reality is never easy to accept. who has not withdrawn from reality in order to 'think it thru'? i had. and now i'm willing to wait and face it with minwei, when he's ready to face it. silly? naive?? stubborn??? whatever. this is my decision - no one can and will replace minwei whose efforts to gain my trust, my love in rship was obviously heartfelt. i know he is truthful to me. i still trust him, i still love him.
many of you told me to look forward to the next one.. how many next one will there be when i know he's the one? even if minwei decided to avoid me all his life, i'll still be here for him all my life. perhaps my definition of rship is old-fashion, but i still believe in giving my all to the one i love. love is never a gamble, it is a decision of commitment and faithfulness. i can never take rship as a gamble, as a trial round. kai told me i should look for pastor for rship, cos it's impossible to find such faithful guy on earth. well, i think i've found one and i am willing to wait for him. everyone has his fear, his time of withdrawal fr reality. but everyone has to face it one day. when minwei is ready to face our reality, willing to open himself to me, i will be here for him. meanwhile, i thank you people for standing in the gap for me, supporting me through these.
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