3 things i want to bitch tonight.
1) extract fr the book i'm reading -
'Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such sweet time of grieving.You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken,but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it-in a beautiful place of worship and surrounded by grace.Take this time,every minute of it,let things works themselves' 'But I really loved him' 'Big deal,so you fell in love with someone.Dont you see what's happened?This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching.You got zapped,kiddo.But the love you felt is just the beginning,you just got a taste of love,just limited rinky-dink mortal love.Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that.Heck,you have the capacity to someday love the love world.It's your destiny.Dont laugh.'
this freaking passage speaks to me like the Bible. i really love minwei, i really do. but i dont think i have the capacity to love the world, and hell, i'm not prophet, no big-shot in spiritual realm.. why me? it's freaking NOT my destiny to go thru depression (again?!) and possibly the 3rd time?! HELL YOU! i admit the first depression was a beautiful place of worship and grace, but this time.. hell! dont you dare bring me back here again, if i ever walk it out alive and sane!
2) my dept had our team-bonding session this afternoon. everyone just dropped our work (reluctantly!) and attended this cooking class. i must say, it's like back to my poly days - standing by the kitchen table, listening to menu instructions, surrounded by all the fine cooking utensils. as usual, i'm very comfortable in the professional kitchen, chatting with the chefs about new ingredients and menu. *i know how to make creamy smooth hummus now!* after 'teaching' my team member on vietnam rice rolls (my other team member is 'professional' housemaker chef), i was actually invited to go behind the 'training kitchen', into the professional REAL kitchen! i actually tried to make my first indian naan! one of my fav food! trust me,it's easier than prata flipping, but i just think my hands are a bit too small to 'clap' the dough bigger. and the joy of seeing it baked in tandoor is totally indescribable. i shared my first naan with my colleagues and it was pure sugary joy with warmth. i love their smiles when i feed them the naan. the joy of cooking and sharing food.. something i've lost since my last cooking/baking... i realised i kinda like cooking, esp when i dont need to wash up! (the cooking staff washed our mess as we experimented with our ingredients~) mind you, every food item turned up excellently great tasting! even our director was impressed by our teamwork and edible results! my team won the best team! :) i'm so happy.. the joy of cooking together, sharing and discussing food.. if only i have my own spacious kitchen where my mates can 'mess' it every weekends..
fyi, i'm not a fussy eater. but when if i want to have good food, i know my standards are pretty high. but hey, i'm trained in excellent service, trained in fine-dining.. what do u expect? i didnt waste my 3yrs in hotel management! as long as i'm not fussy in my daily meals, hey, i can eat all kinds of food though i dont eat much ok.
3) during our 'hard-earned' meal, my colleague from another division shared her rship with me. it's totally like what i went through - the sudden 'tap-off' withdrawal after all the planning for next stage in life! i tell you, i really can feel the hurt n pain she went through cos i'm freaking in it now! but i'm glad her bf then is now her hubby after the 'disappear' period. i know she really loves him a lot, and she's even planning to relocate for him (he's working in shenzhen permanently)... something i'm willing to do, prepared to do cos of this love..
i really miss my darling.. i know it's not healthy for me to mix my missing with depression, but ok, for now i think i can cope with depression.. hence, let me miss my darling, i love my darling.. i wonder if he misses me.. wonder if he still feels the same for me.. ok ok, i better stop here before the hurt comes and triggers off panic attack.
anyway, this is my day today. that stupid but realistic book i'm reading is supposed to help me (as per eirene), but it's kinda inspiring me to take a month leave to seek restoration (as the writer herself). she went italy and india but.. where can i go? taiwan again?? hmm.. i dont mind that actually.. i'm half-taiwanese as you people have known me, even to those who just known me. ok, i've taiwanese blood in me. shoot me if you're not happy.
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