i really thank all of you for remembering my 'big'day today - my appt w psychiatrist. thank you people for all the smses to 'chase' me out of office, and smses of concern to follow-up with my appointment.
though all of you (i really mean ALL) agreed it's a waste of time cos whatever my 'uncle' psychiatrist was telling me, you people have been doing so for past months.. EXCEPT he has the authority to prescribe medication :) not that i'm addicted to anti-depressants but i just need them till i can stand up alone (that's what my psych said too). in fact, i'm so open to him (this is just so j~) that i told him my long long history and how i am angry with myself and God etc. i guess the session took an hour. being controlling j, i even tried to 'counsel' myself in front of him before he could comment on me. in the end, my eyes were filled with tears and he grabbed the napkins as though 'it's normal'..
his professional analysis made me wonder if i'm too easy to understand, in terms of my all-giving in rship. his conclusion - i've been badly traumatised by relationship. people do break up and get on with it, but i am badly traumatised so much so that i slipped into depression. and his 'best' news - this depression wont go away from my life! all he can do is to help me to love myself. instead of defending and caring for my 'no backbone' ex-bfs *trust me, that is the word he used!*, i should learn to shoot arrows of blame on them, not hurting myself. he didnt even want me to hold onto any hope cos they are just not worthy of me. *see, i told you he's on the side of you people* but i still defended for my darling. not bcos i cant lose him, but i really love him. i cant convince him but i know i have to listen to him if i want to win this battle. he's my commander of war now - i will listen to him, whatever and however blunt he is. *frankly, he reminds me of ian except i dont have to pay ian to be blunt to me!* i suspect he's a Christian, cos he's kinda 'upset' when i told him i'm angry and faithless in God now. but heck it, I AM UPSET WITH THE HIGHEST!
overall, the experience is of normal doc consultation - how you'd relate your flu/cough condition to doc. there's a sofa armchair, but i dont think (hope not!) i need to use that. from today onwards, despite what 'waste of time' it might be, he's officially my psychiatrist now, totally in charge of my depression battle. he's even so nice to me that he called his close counsellor friend and instructed his secretary to arrange an appointment for me. and he specifically only want that friend of his to take care of me. he's just like a 'nagging' father doctor. ok, for the fatherly love, i think i can justify that cost of consultation. btw, his medication is cheaper than i thought! it's less than S$120 in total~
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