17 Sep 10 - 哭砂

full day of anxiety attack, so much so that i shivered helplessly in washroom.. i want to cry but no tear.. i want to scream but no sound.. i was just standing there, so afraid of everything, so nervous about everything.. i really hate panic attack. who says, they last for 10mins? this species i'm with can last for the whole damn day!  they are like raging beasts trying to break down my weakening fence of sanity. they really barge with all their might to break free, and i really dont know when this hell will break loose in me. i am so tired, so angry.. 

i was so angry that i quarrelled with someone close last night. not that i really care for his feelings (he told me i'm indulging in self pity!) when i'm steaming hot with anger, but i'm disappointed how we ended it. anyway, i've a great beast inside of me to worry about. like what he said, this is my own battle. a battle i wish i can recruit some help but i cant.. my own battle.

i was so full of fear today (i still forced myself to wear a calm smiley mask at work so my work quality will not be affected! can you imagine how tiring i am emotionally mentally and physically!!), shivering so badly that i had to hug myself all the while so my shaking hands wont scare anyone off.. i just hugged myself so tightly till i finally came to steam bath..

alone in steam bath, i cried in that little room.. crying out for God to take it away, trying to forgive myself for loving.. i finally cried.. not alot but at least there's tears.. it's as if panic attack was left outside the steam bath door, that i managed to feel 'peace' inside that room. the peace i so longed for, the confidence i yearned for.. i really need that confidence back.. the real confidence, not mask.. i stayed in that steam for 30mins. i know it's too long for my good, but i wonder if that beast is waiting for me outside that door..i really didnt dare to think, just trying to meditate on my breathing (just like the book narrates in her india yoga retreat) i really tried to meditate or just keep my mind blank yet occupied so that beast wont creep in.

so far so good.. i'm back home after my steambath and facial. i hurried home before anything might happen to me.. i know i miss my darling, but it's not the missing that triggers this panic.. it's me. just me.. something inside me triggers it, and seems to enjoy my suffering.. i miss my darling, i love him but i know this battle is not about him. it's with me and me.. i cant afford to lose but this time i have no idea how to win.. then this song came to me.

你是我最苦涩的等待, 让我欢喜又害怕未来,
你最爱说你是一颗尘埃, 偶尔会恶作剧的飘进我眼里.

宁愿我哭泣,不让我爱你，
你就真的象尘埃消失在风里.
难得来看我,却又离开我, 
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流,

你是我最痛苦的抉择, 为何你从不放弃漂泊,
爱的你是那么难分难舍, 你总是带回满口袋的砂给我,

难得来看我 却又离开我 
让那手中陷落的砂向泪水流

风吹来的砂落在悲伤的雨里. 谁都看出我在等你,
风吹来的砂堆积在心里. 是谁也擦不去的痕迹,
风吹来的砂穿过所有的记忆, 谁都知道我在想你,
风吹来的砂明明在哭泣, 难道早就寓言了分离,