i managed to drag myself to Mass today, to hear what God has to say to me.. after first reading, my body began to shiver again (fyi, i took the new medication n i didnt shiver this morning).. through the homily, my legs were starting to shiver uncontrollably too... i didnt want to go up for blessings, afterall the communion of Eucharistic was finishing - the last warden was receiving his Sacrament.. then something in me just 'what-the-heck' pushed me forward. the next thing i knew i was walking towards father kenny for blessings, with my arms folded. i bet a lot of people were surprised to see such 'late-comer' coming up to the alter.. anyway father blessed me with the Holy Spirit and the Cross..
this Spirit, this Cross on my forehead seemed to release me.. i'm not joking, not trying to be spiritual.. but i did feel 'there's an outlet' finally.. back to my seat, kneeling on the solid floor, i just cried.. cried bcos i really need help, help which no one can provide except Him; cried bcos i want to forgive myself; cried bcos i simply have no more strength to fight this battle; cried bcos i really dont know how to live another day with the panic attacks.. i just cried. finally, i really cried (which i'm so glad i'm actually crying)- tears rolling down my cheeks.. my face was really wet..
end of Mass, i remained in the main hall.. weeping like a baby girl, hands clasped in prayer for strength and comfort.. everyone had left, except me.. i hear doors being locked, but i dont care.. my tears just kept flowing . like a mourning widow, i cried to Him for help, for answer, for support and refuge.. for anything to get me out of this depression. i must be crying so badly that the keeper didnt dare to ask me to go.. by the time i 'calmed' down *yes i think i look horrible by then*, i hurried out of church hall.. he only left that door opened for me..
what did He tell me? .. what else but the 'usual' - Seek Him first and all these things will be added onto you. seriously, He's not very 'comforting', rather He's directive. but how? i need to get back my faith, before i can seek Him; i need to get back my confidence, before i can 'commit' again.. but at least, in midst of my tears, there's peace.. surrounding and protecting me in that main church hall.
i met with godma in the canteen (RCIA's canteen duty this week). though my tears are dried, smile returned to my mask.. but i cant help pouring all out to her again. i love my godma and godpa. they are like angels - always praying for me from a distance, always keeping informed of my life. to be honest, i'm not very close to godma, but today i just opened myself fully to her, and she really totally understands how i feel! 'though the rship is of short duration but there's no rush, j, take your time to recover', that's what she told me. i wish i could, but i really do not want to take another 2yrs to get over depression.. she understand how i 'hate' myself, but her words and understanding are just so 'right to the heart'.. i just hugged her, trying to fight back my tears. i know her own cross is not easy too, but i'm so glad she didnt compare, just encouraging me to keep on doing what is right, keep on taking steps (even baby steps) to let go.. i thank God for her physical hug of love, of concern (though i dont really trust Him now), but a hug is just what i need now..
in AR, i didnt know what did i pray.. in my exhaustion, i stayed in His Presence as refuge.. then i heard myself saying a prayer for my darling, but i really cant remember what did i pray! it's like Holy Spirit praying for him through my mouth - It just come, i say, i hear but i cannot register into my mind. *dont worry, minwei, it's all good prayers of love for u and ur family, Holy Spirit cannot curse~* then i slipped into peace.. peaceful rest in the Lord.. on my knees, bowing to Him, i slipped into such rest that i know no one, nothing (esp depression) can get close me. i really need this rest to fight this battle.. i walked out of AR 2hrs later... cant say that i've gained back my faith, but at least i truly rested in His Presence. nothing could come close me, nothing at all..
p/s: the new medication takes a while to effect, hey it's not miracle pill! i'm still shivering but less.. and i hope i can stop shivering tmr at work.. last thing i wan is to break down in office.
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