i'm reading this book 'eat,pray,love' *highly recommended by eirene* and so far the sentence that impacted me - 'when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt,this is not selfishness but obligation. you were given life;it's your duty and also your entitlement as human being to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight'
ok, i'm grateful for the girls' talk just now.. i (still) do have great girl friends and best guy friends who care,love me. now that i'm in better state to take on their direct honesty *i really appreciate their sensitivity to know when to be honest!*, i'm ready to take on all the knife-cutting words and analysis! but still, i'm hell NOT accepting that '3rd relapse' thingy!! kill me if it ever happens!! just KILL ME! i'll write my last will to be killed so you wont be blamed for it, lest i'd freaking hell jump down the block! i freaking cannot take anymore of this loveSHIT!
i came up with an equation today - rship=hurt=depression. and cos no one knows how horrible is depression but me, stop telling me it's just a phrase of life. seriously, if you think depression is being depressed, then you are freaking NOT reading my blog correctly! it's a MONSTER, creeping you on anytime anyday! sending you panic attacks just to remind you that he's around! and i have to go thru this twice! what the hell! this is really one hell of a darkness where you can never see any glimpse of light, yet you know you have to move forward, not knowing the possibility of deeper hell awaits you!
my colleague jane shared (reminded) me the law of positive attraction *read the book The Secret* as much as i know i should be positive to attract positive, but the hell is not letting me breathe at all! I HATE DEPRESSION! i seldom hate anything, but I REALLY HATE DEPRESSION! i'd rather be killed by car than to be in depression! no one knows the battle but me, yet i have to face the reality, the people even when i'm emotionally, mentally and physically tired from this battle. what the freak!
ok, anyway, i should hold onto the ankles of happiness to drag me out of this SHIT, no matter how slight, right? so i decided to (try to) focus on the positive each day and stop ranting abt this freaking depression! *does it relieve you people from reading all my pressure and stress?* ok, i really thankful for jennifer and cheryl who really lent their ears to my freaking old story of loveSHIT and depression. i really just need to curse it out (even in face of God) for the freaking hell shit i'm in! i thankful for their analysis on how all-giving i had been in rship, but hell, and yes, i just didnt learnt! i doubt i can learn not to be giving, loving in rship! i just dont know how to 'withdraw' or 'give slowly'! look, it's either i'm in or i'm out. and hell, yes, i'm out - painfully out!
ok ok, focus positive - let's see.. i look forward to 27Sep cos that's the earliest slot with my psychiatrist. i wonder how would it be? long sofa where i just sit and talk?? or can i just pass him my blog address so he can read for himself? anyway, i've always been very truthful in my all blogs - cant hide anything. by the way, if it gives you any pressure or stress from reading my blog, then HELL YOU ARE NOT READY TO READ MY BLOG! my blog is to rant, to release all my thoughts and negativity. of course, it IS stressful to read, otherwise why would i bother to blog it out? just jolly well, take it on face value - let me blog it out, and i'll be ok after blogging. i just need to rant it out, WITHOUT you getting overly-concerned on what i write! i'm just not those 'hey i blog happy things to make the world better' person!! go read other 'feel-good' blog if you feel stress/pressured reading my blog.
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